A/N: Hey, everyone!!! I've finally finished up this chapter, an WOW ITS INTENSE. LIKE I COOED AND CRIED (okay not really) WHEN I WROTE IT. It's actually pretty good to me, so I hope y'all love it!!!
I would also like to dedicate this chapter to the girl from my English class who talked to me on Thursday, you know who you are. I never did catch your URL, but this ones for you! Thanks for reading and getting me back on the saddle, you made my day! I can dedicate it officially if you comment below!
Anyways, enjoy this chapter and lemme know what y'all think!! :)
Chapter Twenty Nine
I left him before he could argue or ask questions, not wanting to create any elaborate reasons, or lie. I knew I couldn't tell him the truth, either.
Silently, I slipped up the winding staircase, past the gargoyle that was wide open, though I wasn't surprised; with the school in ruins and no one here to run it, I had simply guessed it would have been abandoned and unattended.
Tentatively, I walked inside. It was just as I had last seen it, to my great surprise. No one had ransacked the Headmaster's office, and all the books and nicknacks were left accordingly in place, nothing nicked over or broken. In further inspection, it appeared that everything had been dusted, as well. All of Dumbledore's previous possessions were left carefully where they were placed, and his portrait hung perfectly above the wall behind the desk. Dumbledore sat in his large chair, sleeping in the painting.
I smiled sadly to myself, walking further inside. It was like a small fragment if home was still here, perfectly in order and untouched by the animalistic an brutal war just outside. Almost like a blessing. Oh, how I missed this place. I missed sitting it the chair in front of the desk that I occupied so often, usually for a light scolding, though for a good pep and informational talk during my last year here.
It burned me to know that he was gone for good, and I never actually got to say goodbye. It's hard I believe that Dumbledore had just died. I knew he was only a person, but he always seemed to be immortal. Powerful. I never thought I'd see the day when he was gone away. I walked sluggishly down the bookcase, touching the spines as I passed, closing my eyes. I took a deep breath, imagining that I was still in my last year, back when things were so simple and wonderful. Back when I thought that I had it all, and that nothing would ever take it away. I had my two amazing and hilarious best friends, a great life of adventure, cohorts with an understanding and knowledgable Headmaster, and even for a while someone more snarky than me to hold and kiss.
I knew I missed him, no matter how hard I told myself that I didn't, or how much my pride tried to convince me otherwise. Every time I thought of him, of the times when he took me into his arms and kissed me, or even his slight touch, I burned inside. I yearned for his lips, his arms an hands. I wanted to breathe in the scent of parchment and potions that clung to his robes. I could never convince myself otherwise, no matter how hard I tried; at times, I doubted whether this was actual love or not. Surly, I couldn't feel so strongly inside about him for nothing? I couldn't have been away for so long and with someone entirely new, and still pine for him inside?
I hated myself for feeling this way. I knew that even if I did really love Snape still, it didn't change how I loved Fred. Yet, I felt guilt-stricken and caught in a tangled web of emotions still.
Eyes still shut, I wrapped my arms around myself, hands holding firmly into my shoulders. I needed to get a grip-- what was I even doing here? Sure, I was feeling nostalgic and still wasn't over my days here, but I knew I wanted to come here for more than just that. I knew I wanted to see him.
Maybe, if I could just have a reason, I could move on. I was happy with Fred, and I could see us together. Closure. If he just gave me that, I could be happier about my life. I hated the feelings that twisted within me, feelings of wonder and doubt. Not knowing why he broke us off so cruelly without a single reason. I sighed deeply again, letting my chin fall onto my arms. This was insane. I needed to get my shit together, big time. I couldn't just wander off, thinking thoughts like this! Not telling Fred where I'm going, while I run off to see if I can find the man I used to have son sick version of a relationship with. It was wrong, to Fred and to me. I ha to stop letting these emotions get the best of me.
From now on, I'll keep myself in order. I won't let this get the best of me.
I sighed heavily and opened my eyes. However, as my eyes adjusted and I took in my surroundings yet again, I noticed something looming in the corner of my eye, just beyond my vision.
Startled, I whipped my head towards it, freezing.
Snape. He was there, standing there just beyond his desk, glaring at me with a look of confusion and wistful anger. I felt almost as if I had slipped into a daze while my eyes were closed, that perhaps I was still standing, eyes tightly shut, still sifting through my old memories.
But it felt too real to be a fantasy. Like a lucid dream; obviously unreal, but not quite so. I felt like I hadn't seen Snape in a decade. He looked just the same, but I felt like I didn't. I felt like an entirely new person-- and I was, I suppose. I was an adult now, something I only wished I could be back when we were together. I swallowed hard. "Hello." I said, my voice quiet with prolonged speaking. It was such a stupidly ordinary thing to say, especially considering the things that happened between us.
After a seconds pause, he spoke. "Hello."
I was surprised that he replied with a simple greeting. I had half expected him to yell or interrogate me. His voice was seemingly neutral, though there was an underlying stress thy gave away recent events. I couldn't help but feel like I knew so much about what was happening, things no one else was aware of. I suppose now that Dumbledore is gone, I was the only other person that knew.
I parted my lips to say something else, just so speak. If I filled the air between us with words, perhaps he wouldn't leave or vanish. However, he spoke before I could.
"You look different."
His voice wasn't soft and alluring in any way, but it wasn't cold and emotionless, either. It was almost longing. I was taken aback by both his words, and his desire to comment on my appearance.
Shit, that meant he had been looking at me. How long had he been standing there while my eyes were closed? I must have looks like a complete idiot standing there, eyes shut for no apparent reason.
I got my thoughts quickly into order. "I feel different." I laughed nervously, shrugging my shoulders. Lets face it-- I was different. I wasn't a child anymore, and as much as I still wanted to be, I couldn't reverse that.
This was all so unexpected and baffling, I wasn't sure what to make of it. Snape had never talked to me in this way before; like an equal, or an old friend. We didn't exactly leave off on good terms, after all. I didn't even think he would want to have a normal conversation with me before we stole seeing each other, much less now.
I felt obliged to make conversation. "Being an adult isn't all the glitz and glam I thought it would be." And it really wasn't. I thought it would be freedom and the ability to use magic outside of Hogwarts-- the ultimate adventure. However, it wasn't at all that. It was responsibilities and upkeep, taxes and a whole new version of trapped. It was like I couldn't get out from under the shoe of life no matter how hard I wriggled, and no matter how long I waited. There always seemed to be something looming over my shoulder, keeping me in check.
Snape shook his head, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "No. It never is."
I gave him a puzzled look. "Why are you here?" I pressed. "I mean, aren't you suppose to be with... You know?"
He narrowed his eyes. "This is my office." He stated, as if I were an idiot.
I shook my head. "This is a war-- why are you here, of all places?"
He seemed to contemplate that for only a second. "I came here for a moment of peace." He said horsely. "But, it looks as if I won't be getting it."
I couldn't tell if that was an insult, or just plain honesty. My mind was too busy to think about that, though. Here I was, alone with him, in a section in the castle that no one would come into. This is what I've been waiting for for so long. There are two different paths I could take here. I could either talk to him and attempt to get some answers, or I could throw myself at him in a fit of passion.
I thought of Fred. Looks like talking is my way to go for now. I cleared my throat. "Can you just tell me something?" I asked, hopeful that he would at least hear me out.
It was a shot in the dark, but Snape was being civil with me so far, so maybe it would be okay. "You can ask, but that by no means entitles me to answer." He responded, voice partly monotonous, per usual.
I held bak a snort. Typical Severus Snape. This was it, this I what I've been rehearsing in my mind for over two years. This was my chance to ask him. I found myself suddenly nervous. "Why did you just leave me the way you did?" I finally said, my words almost forceful.
Snape looked a little taken aback by my outright question, though he remained blank-faced. "You wouldn't understand it."
A small incredulous laugh escaped me. "Here we go again. Two years later, and you still treat me like an insolent child." I exhaled.
However, Snape didn't snap back at me. He didn't hiss, or clench his jaw in irritation. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you weren't one."
I swallowed hard. I couldn't, and he knew that. "You didn't have to treat me like one. You didn't have to string me along." I said, my voice beginning to quiver. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would, saying all this aloud. I've rehearsed this scene in my mid so many times, and I always saw myself being angry, accusing. Yet, now that I'm in this situation, I could feel the years of angry longing swelling behind my eyes.
"I did what I had to do, Philomena. You wouldn't understand." He reasoned, voice hardening.
I threw my hands in the air. "How would you know? You've never tried to tell me!" Which was absolutely true. Countless times he has told me I wouldn't understand, but not once has he actually told me. How much faith can he have in me if he won't even talk to me?
Snape sighed, dispirited and tired. "I am protecting you." He insisted.
"Protecting me? From what, the truth?" I exclaimed, frazzled.
"From a cruel game." He answered, and though it was a seemingly riddled answer, he said it as if relinquishing some great secret, catching my attention.
A paused a moment, thinking. "What?" I asked at last, befuddled.
Snape walked closer to the desk, opening a drawer. "Why do you think Bella and the others were after you?" He pressed, mindlessly toying with the old Horcrux diary, a hole still slashed through it, the binding now curled with age and dryness.
I honestly didn't know. I never knew why they had it out for me. After all, I was really just a nobody to them. "I thought, maybe, it was because I got vengeful when they killed my mother..." I stammered, unsure, an positive it was much bigger than that. I never put a whole lot of thought into it, actually. These people were psychotic and bloodthirsty, so I didn't think they needed a reason most of the time.
Snape didn't speak for a moment. I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, moving to fully face him now. "That's not it, is it?" I asked, my voice almost a whisper from anticipation and fear for the answer.
He shook his head. "No, it isn't." Snape wet his lips, still fiddling with the old Horcrux, presumably to keep his eyes away from my prying ones.
When he didn't tell me right away, I stumbled forward a few steps, only a few small feet from the front of the desk now. "Then what?!" I nearly yelled. His head shot up, a flash if anger darting across his dark eyes. "I deserve to know." I added, voice calm and broken.
He knew that. From the way he grasped the edge of the desk supportively, he was going to finally tell me. I leaned forward. "It was only ever a game to them." He began. "A bet. Fun. Something to occupy them while they wait."
I didn't understand. "Why me? Why my mother?" I felt my throat begin to tighten, but quickly took a deep breath. This was no time to get all choked up and tearful.
"Your father was a very powerful Aura. He was responsible for the capture if many Death Eaters."
I pondered in this. It all made sense. Of course they would hate my father. "So they just decided to pick off his family?" I whispered. The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' came to mind, and I wondered if it was really worth it, knowing the cold hard truth.
Yes. I needed to know. It was only right for me to know.
"Slowly, yes." He responded gravely.
My fell fell somber. "Then why did they stop? I haven't had any trouble with them since school days." That was the main reason why I assumed they were just holding a small and unnecessary grudge for me retaliating for my mother.
"I have... Intervened." He admitted, almost sheepish as he sighed. His tone was almost sadly angry, as if he detested the thought of being sincerely good to some point.
I stood in silence. What would I say? Thank you? Why?
I gathered my composure and cleared my throat. "Why...?" I managed to say, my speech cutting through the quiet between us.
He only looked at me for a moment, our eyes meeting on a simple but tense ground, some uneasy feeling if distress and befuddlement lying there in the space between us, undisclosed. After a few seconds, without moving his eyes or wavering in the slightest, he spoke. "For the same reason I disallowed Bella to kill you that day you stumbled into her midst."
I looked down at my hands, twisting them. We both knew there was no other explanation needed there; I had only ever been in her 'midst' twice, ad only once did I stumble towards her, having underestimated her power and strength over me. I recalled that day, when he seemed I have saved me. I hated him then, thought he was just ruining some brave stand I was making, getting me loopy on some mystery potion to make me easy to carry off. However, I later realized how he saved me then. If he hasn't intervened, she would have killed me and won this sick little game. If he hasn't made me drink that fiery liquid, the pain would have even searing in my bones later.
Still reeling on this, I swallowed hard, feeling too shy and aware of the meaning behind his words to look back up at him. I continued to clasp my hands in distraction of the brilliant and frightening scene unfolding before me, of which I had dreamt of and pined for for so long. For Severus Snaps, a man I had wanted more than anything, to stand before me and tell me with sincerity in his tone that he wanted me. At least, wanted no harm to come of me.
Which was really almost the same thing. I still couldn't manage to look at him, but I had at least found my voice, "So, does that mean...?" I trailed off, my voice wavering weakly, and my stomach turned with nauseating excitement just from the thought of him insisting it with the answer I wanted.
"I've made so many mistakes, Philomena," He began, and I wrung my hands again, closing my eye now. "I don't want you to know them like I do. I didn't want you to have to face that danger because you we're close to me." His voice was sodden with a certain kind of sadness, that if which I've never heard before. Not when Dumbledore died, not when Fred George and I left our home here behind-- not even when we faced Hogwarts again today. And this sadness seemed so much worse, so much more personal that it hit a spot in my chest so hard and sharp, and I could feel a coolness began to spread from it like veins.
"I would have. God, I would have." My tone held such hopeless want it was pitiful. I wanted him to say that it was okay, and for very thing to work itself out. For the war to be won and for him to be with me, for Fred not to be hurt. God, Fred. I loved him, there was no denying that. But why I felt for that man effort me seemed to surpass such love by so much, saying love was like an understatement.
He sighed, and I looked bak up at him, his face deflated as he looked back over to me. "I know you would have. That's why I had to be the one to leave."
"You didn't have to leave. There are ways to work around things like this." I argued, though with a simple hope in place of anger. I knew though that it wasn't that easy, and I was really just trying to convince myself. I felt almost guilty, cheated out of him. All these years.
"You know that isn't true." He said plainly. I did. "Besides, you know that if they knew I was close to you, it would have only upped Bella's enjoyment of killing you." He looked away now, fiddling with something on the desk. "Or of making me do it." He added, more quiet.
I knew that. I just wanted not to believe it so badly. "But you want me." I said, my voice low as well. "To be with me."
Severus turned towards me painstakingly slow, setting down the object he was mindlessly fingering, looking back at me with sadness and joy and desire in his black eyes.
"Always." He whispered.