ROWTAG
"Row... Rowtag, wake up!"
Huritt's face is above me as I open my eyes. The alarm clock next to my bed says it's 4:47 a.m.
"The ranch better be on fire. What the hell is going on?" My voice comes out hoarse and my mouth feels dry.
"I heard whimpering coming from your room. I thought maybe Hunter was stuck in here, but found you trashing around in bed."
I sit and rub my face. This is the second time this happens in a week, only this time one of my brothers noticed.
"Same dream?" Huritt asks, and I nod, but it's a lie.
This nightmare isn't the same that used to plague me growing up. In this one, a silver-gray wolf chases me through the forest that then turns into a resort. I skid on the ground flooded with blood. Kitchi lays dead next to a turned golf cart and Istu hangs from a bush with a thorny branch protruding from his chest. Huritt lays broken on the floor, but his eyes are open. I stand between saving my brother and being killed by the snarling wolf.
"What do you think is causing it?" Huritt sits on my bed facing me.
"Don't know. Maybe Kit's episodes are freaking me out."
"Glad to know I'm not the only one. Last night was the worst I've seen him."
Usually I'm the worrier among us and now Huritt's words makes my guilt bigger. Kitchi came last night into the living room after taking a shower. He was wet and naked and looked scared and confused.
"Get a damn towel!" Huritt said harshly from the kitchen. "You are leaving puddles everywhere!"
Istu and I looked at each other when we saw how Kit was shivering and how he looked as if he had lost his mind. Istu stood up from the couch with his usual calm and placed an arm around Kitchi's shoulders. Huritt then realized Kit wasn't acting on purpose and took a few steps towards them.
"What's going on? Are you okay?" Istu asked him.
"I can't fucking find it," Kitchi cried. I've never seen a grown man sob like that.
"What can't you find?" I asked, feeling confused at his behavior.
"In the bathroom," he pointed to the direction where he came from.
Being careful with the water on the floor, we all went to the bathroom and found his towel on the floor, so I grabbed it and covered him with it. Istu keeps a journal of these events to share with his doctor, but this one was more than just a blackout or forgetting something.
"Kit has his doctor appointment to discuss his scan soon. He will get the help he needs," I say.
"I want to say that I hope nothing is wrong with him, but it's obvious that something is."
I couldn't agree more with him. Since we were both up, we got dressed and had breakfast while catching up on what his teams are doing. The evening program is almost finished and the sport team is the biggest hit. Not only they are good; they make everything so amusing people come just to watch.
"These two middle-aged ladies follow Bart and Miguel everywhere, like cheerleaders. The guys feel flattered as hell," Huritt grins.
"What about the theater troupe?" I ask while drinking my coffee.
"Alex is incredible. He acts like an idiot to make people laugh, but he knows what he is doing. Did you know he was about to get evicted from his apartment when we hired him? He had trouble getting a gig in the city and was running out of savings. He alone has planned the shows, resources, materials. The other team members listen to him. I'm thinking about promoting him to entertainment manager."
"Not a bad idea. You should then promote Amy to children entertainment manager. It should free you to work on your collaboration plans with the valley businesses."
"Let's run it by Istu to see if we can afford those changes."
We head to our office area and greet the kitchen employees arriving to log in their work time. I open my inbox and see an email from Samantha, Dad's personal assistant, and feel my blood draining as I read it.
"Your hand is shaking. What is going on?"
After removing my trembling hand from over my mouth, I have to clear my throat.
"I got an email from Samantha."
"Are Mom and Dad okay?" He sounds anxious.
"Yeah, they are. They are coming here tomorrow," I say in a strangled voice and feel my stomach churn.
"Tomorrow? But tomorrow we open the camping site officially! We will be too busy to entertain them," Huritt paces the office in annoyance.
"They are on their way and will stay for the weekend."
I feel the bile in my stomach hitting my throat. She will blame me at every possible moment for what's happening with Kitchi. I've never been able to please her. Nothing I've done has ever been good enough. And I will never be forgiven for injuring her sons.
"And they couldn't fucking give us more than- Row?" My brother puts a hand on my shoulder and looks closely at my face. "What is it? I know this is an inconvenience, but you look as if you are about to throw up."
Huritt can't find out. None of my brothers should know why her visit upsets me so much.
"It's nothing. Maybe breakfast didn't fall good. I need fresh air," I stand up, grab my phone and hurry down the stairs. I hear Huritt curse; he knows me well enough to know that besides feeling ill, I'm also avoiding the topic.
I take the path towards the campsite and walk through a row filled with the first tents and caravans. When I reach the edge of the forest, I place my hand on a tree, feel the breeze on my face and the queasiness leaves me, then I get my phone out and dial my life line...
As it rings, my head and heart have a battle of unpleasant feelings.
"Rowtag!" The happy round face of my grandmother appears on my screen and I feel relieved. "What's going on?" Her face turns into a worried one when she sees mine.
"Can we talk?" I ask as I find a fallen tree to sit on.
"Of course."
"My nightmares are back and are worse than ever. I'm not seeing them hurt anymore, but dead or almost dead."
"Our heads seem to enjoy playing with our fears. I assume that everything is all right with your brothers."
"As far as I know Huritt and Istu are doing well. Kit, on the other hand isn't."
I update Grandma on everything that's happening lately, and she listens without interrupting me.
"And to top that, Dad and Karen are coming to visit us tomorrow. I only got an email today. When she sees how he's behaving, she will use every moment we are alone to remind me whose fault it is."
Grandma frowns and I see her take a deep breath. "Hopefully she will get bored and leave soon. Try to stay out of her path as much as possible. I know she gives you the hardest time, but she doesn't treat your brothers right either."
"Except Kitchi."
"She treats him like an invalid and that is as bad. Even with his limitations, your brother is a capable man. Rowtag, you should talk with your brothers about what happened on the day of the accident. After so many years, you need to get that off your chest."
"I've spoken with Huritt. He tells me I need to forgive myself and that it wasn't my fault. Grandma, I'm the oldest and should have known better. I should have put a stop to the crazy plan and go to the pool instead."
"Rowtag, you were a child. It wasn't your responsibility to look after the others. Huritt is right, you need to let go."
"Why does Karen have this power over me? She isn't my mother and I'm an adult."
"Because you respect her, even when she doesn't deserve it. Try not to spend your energy on her. Now, tell me, how are things with Olivia?"
"Olivia?" I'm taken aback by the sudden change of topic.
"You are not the only grand kid who calls me," she chuckles. "You should ask her out."
"And ruin her life?" I gaze towards the pool building where she works at.
"You are ruining yours by not giving yourself a chance. Huritt told me she has a son; why not do an activity with the three of you? Something simple like going to the movies. You could use some distraction, and why not do it in the company of someone you like?"
"I- I think I can do that."
After chatting with Grandma about her chickens, orchard and bees, and the people we know in common, I say goodbye and head to my office feeling more at peace. Grandma supported me through my treatment and afterwards has been my shoulder to cry on many times. I'm the man I became thanks to her and Grandpa's care.
As I enter the lobby, I find Olivia looking at her phone with a worried face. I arm myself with courage and approach her.
"Olivia, is everything okay?"
"Seth is sick and I can't reach the babysitter or that good-for-nothing father of his," she whispers with a hint of anger while watching the little boy curled in an armchair.
"Why don't you go home?" I place my hand on her arm to comfort her.
"I can't, Row. Brian has a course today. There won't be anybody to cover the first aid post and tons of people checked in today."
"You are right. Is it okay with you if I take care of him?" I say without giving it a lot of thought.
Olivia looks at me with a shocked face.
"Only if you feel comfortable about it," I say. "He can lie down in my bed and I can check on him often since the office is right next."
"Are you sure you want to do that?" She asks, and I nod. "Rowtag, you are heaven sent."
I receive a kiss on my cheek and Olivia wakes Seth up. Once upstairs, I open our apartment and Olivia takes in the place. I motion for her to come inside my bedroom, and she hesitates by the door so I leave it open and wait outside.
"He fell asleep immediately. Radio me if he needs me. Thanks, Rowtag."
Olivia gives me a hug. I've imagined many times how she would feel in my arms and it's better than anything. She gives me a grateful smile when we separate and walks down the stairs. I look at my charge and for a moment, I also imagine how it would feel to have them both in my life.