"Jess? I... I don't know if you can hear me, can you hear me?"
Yes, I can hear you. Why wouldn't I be able to?
"Erm... well, if you can, then just hear me out."
I said yes? I can hear you.
"Oh God, I feel awful. I never meant to hurt you. What I did was... it was horrendous. I wouldn't be surprised if you hated me after that, I would hate me."
I don't hate you. Well, I do, but... I don't know, it's complicated. I need time to process th-
"I totally get why you would, I was out of line and I'm so sorry. I made so many promises and broke them all at once."
Why aren't you listening to me? You didn't even let me finish.
"I totally let my anger get the best of me and I'm scared I ruined everything."
Suddenly, it struck me that my eyes weren't open. How was I having a conversation with my eyes closed? All I could see was black and I was starting to feel confused, what was happening? Who was I even talking to? I could hear a voice addressing me but it wasn't someone's voice, just a voice. I felt the touch of a hand, but the person seemed so far away. I was so disorientated and it was like I couldn't get a word in edgeways.
"I'm sorry I brought Zayn into it, too. I know that annoyed you. I was just furious."
It did, he doesn't deserve any of the shít you give him.
Laughter. "You probably can't even hear a word I'm saying, for all I know this is like confessing everything I'm feeling to a brick wall. I'm just not sure I have the courage to say this when I know for sure you're listening."
What are you talking about? I told you I can hear you and I'm responding? Why aren't you listening to me!
A tired sigh. "I... I love you, Jess. I'm so sorry, and no matter what happened or what will happen from here on, I will always love you. I never say it - I'm not sure I ever have - but you mean so much to me. Please wake up. Wake up, Jess..."
Drifting away. I feel like I'm all too conscious whilst falling asleep, aware of my body shutting down. Or maybe they're drifting away? I can't tell. The darkness is overpowering, pulling me under and becoming the only thing I can see, feel, hear.
---------
"She's coming round!"
The first voice I hear is Niall's, I think. My eyes were slowly opening, revealing a harsh light that felt like it was piercing my brain. My head was throbbing, and before I was even properly awake I was taking note of the nauseous feeling in my stomach and throat. The room smelt sterile and everything was white, the mattress under my body firm, not like my own at home.
I'm waking up. Why am I waking up? I wasn't even aware I'd been asleep.
My brother's face is full of concern as his head pops into my eye-line. He's at my side when I lower my gaze to the room, looking both relieved and worried at the same time. I can't help but squint as the bright yellow light invades my eyes, making the pain worse. His face is battered - bruises and a few small cuts littered his pale skin, and he had stitches in his lower lip.
Before I can even think about where I am, what happened to us, or why my head hurts so much, I instantly remember the conversation lingering in my head, demanding not to be forgotten. Realisation strikes me like it's a bowling ball and I'm the pins, being knocked over all of a sudden. I tried to sit up quickly in my panic, but a sharp pain in my eye made me slow down and wince.
"Jess, carefu-"
"Where is he?" I found myself blurting out.
"Where's who?" Niall asked, glancing over his shoulder to give Zayn - who was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room - a puzzled look.
"Where's Harry?"
Both of their faces fell slightly. Bluntly, Niall told me, "He's not here."
"Where is he? He was here, I spoke to him." I felt like my mind had made that up on it's own, but it all made sense. The puzzle pieces easily slotted together and I could finally picture Harry's apologetic frown as he sat hunched over in the metal chair next to my bed in this very room. He looked so exhausted with dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, his hair messy and clothes grubby.
"He was never here, Jess," Niall insisted. He sounded sincere, but how could I believe him? Of course he was here, I spoke to him earlier on. I could see it so vividly.
"He was," I persisted, "He was sat next to me. And he was telling me he was sorry."
My brother rubbed his hands over his face in exasperation, and it only made me more irritated that they didn't believe me. Zayn noticed his discomfort and decided to step in to back him up.
"Seriously, Jess, we wouldn't even let Harry come with us to the ER. He hasn't been here, maybe you were dreaming."
"I wasn't!" I snapped. "It was him!"
And he told me he loved me! I wanted to say.
"It was me, Jess," Niall breathed over the silence. "I was the one sat here talking to you. I didn't think you could actually hear me, but it was me apologising and... telling you I loved you."
"But-" A choked sob rendered me silent whilst Niall nodded.
"I told you I was sorry for hurting you, that I didn't mean it. I was referring to the fact I left you to go and fight Harry... And smacking you in the head, obviously."
Hot tears were brewing in my eyes, my bottom lip quivering, tingling being felt all over my body. A droplet fell loose and slid over my cheek but I furiously wiped it away, not wanting reality and my naivety to get me down yet again. I thought it was him - I thought he was sorry. I believed that he'd come to be here for me when I needed him, I believed for a second when I woke up that Harry had told me he loved me.
"You must be confused," Zayn spoke up again sheepishly, "Why don't we go over what happened?"
I bit back the ugly sobs that I desperately wanted to set free, nodding and bracing myself for the reminder of why I was laying in a hospital bed.
Zayn looked expectantly at Niall to explain, and he inhaled steadily - bracing himself as well.
"I'll go from when I found you crying over that-" he stopped himself, trying to keep his cool and not let anger seep through, "...him. I sped off to go and teach him a lesson, but shortly after I found him at the lake, you and Zayn turned up. Long story short there was fighting, and I accidentally rammed my elbow into your eye really hard.
"You passed out and all of us immediately forgot what we were arguing about and rushed over to you. When you didn't wake up straight away we decided we needed to get you to the ER, and Harry was insistent on coming, but we told him he needed to stay away, so he got in his car and drove off. Now here we are."
"You've been out for about forty minutes," Zayn added.
It was all a lot to take in, yet somehow the only thing that stuck with what Niall had said was that Harry wanted to come with me to the ER. Maybe he did care after all? I shouldn't want him to care; I should hate his guts for what he did to me, but for some reason the idea of him being worried about me was all I could dwell on.
"What time is it? Am I okay?"
Zayn checked his watch, before announcing, "It's nearly midnight."
"And we have no idea yet, the doctors were waiting for you to wake up before they did any tests or anything."
"Tests? I got hit, what test could they need to do?"
"They said you could need a CT scan to check that you haven't damaged anything, or something," Niall shrugged.
"I'm gonna go out for a smoke," Zayn said, looking stressed out. We both acknowledged his exit as he slipped out of the door.
"What about you? Are you okay?" I inquired.
"I'm fine, just needed a few stitches since that bāstard split my lip right open. I can't wait to see him taken away in a fuçking police car," Niall spat, and my aching eyes managed to widen.
"No!" I objected before I had a chance to think about it. I was lost for words, but I knew I didn't want that.
"What do you mean no? We can get our own back on him big time."
"You can't. You can't press charges against him, Niall. You started it anyway!"
"You're joking, right? After what that díckhead did to you, you want to spare him?" He looked disgusted, and to be honest I don't know why I was defending Harry either.
"Please, Niall," I begged. "I know he's majorly messed up, but just... you can't get him locked up! He's on a suspended sentence and it'll only take something as little as this to-"
Oh God. I didn't mean to say it, it just slipped out. That I knew of, no one had put two and two together when it came to the trial I went to watch and Harry - no one in my life knew that I'd basically met him at court, but I'd just blown that. There's no way my brother would let that slide. We both stopped talking, hesitance to say anything being the main reason why. Niall gave me a weird, suspicious look as he caught on.
"What?"
"I- Urm... nothing."
"What do you mean he's on a suspended sentence, Jess?" Niall stared me down, his glare stern and intimidating, letting me know he was about to become angry once again. "And don't you dare lie to me."
I wasn't going to be able to wriggle my way out of this one. "Harry's out on a one year suspended prison sentence for arson, if he offends again he'll be locked up straight away..."
"He's a convicted criminal? What the fuçk, Jess, how long have you know that?"
I avoided eye contact and lowered my voice shamefully. "Since the day I first met him."
"You knew Harry was that dangerous and you still got involved with him? What the fuçk were you thinking! You know full well what people like that are capable of! You saw that first hand at that bloody trial you went t-..."
He'd clocked it. Niall knew.
"Jess..." he said, in a warning tone.
"Niall," I pleaded him not to say it. I pleaded for him to forget everything he'd just figured out and save me the humiliation.
"Please don't tell me..." Neither of us wanted to say it. "It was him, wasn't it? The guy you kept going back for at that trial was Harry."
My bottom lip started wobbling again. I was more embarrassed than anything. I thought I could keep it a secret forever, but I guess I really was naive.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, suppressing my sobs. I didn't know why I was sorry, I didn't really have anything to be sorry for, besides how disappointed I must have made him. He didn't become anywhere near as angry as I thought he would, and suddenly he looked like he felt sorry for me.
"Je-"
Before Niall could even begin, a young, male doctor entered the room carrying a clipboard. "Ah, nice to see you're awake," he beamed, oblivious to or at least ignoring the fact we were shouting our heads off at one another.
"Is she gonna be okay, doctor?" Niall questioned, suddenly back to his caring self and putting all the drama behind us. I think really he was just scared that I wasn't going to be okay and it would be his fault.
"Just fine, eventually," he smiled. "Jessica, you've got a fairly intense case of concussion, which is not life threatening, but the fact that you didn't wake up straight away could mean that your recovery is slow and possibly quite painful."
Niall sighed in relaxation at the newfound information, visibly letting his tense muscles loosen up. Despite being told I was physically going to be well soon enough, I knew that mentally, right now, I was far from okay.
"It is likely that you will experience headaches and nausea, difficulty in remembering and concentrating, slowness in thought processes, dizziness, and sensitivity for up to a couple of days. Basically you're probably going to feel a bit funny for a while," the doctor clarified, looking way too cheery for someone working in the ER at midnight.
"Do I have to stay here overnight?"
"No, we're pretty certain you're safe to go home tonight, but it is important that someone monitors you for the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours to make sure your condition doesn't worsen. Ideally someone should wake you up every few hours, and you need to get lots of rest and make sure you don't jump back into being active again too soon."
"I'll look after her," Niall notified him, and the young doctor looked like his heart had warmed. I was honestly surprised how supportive he was being after everything I'd just thrown at him, but then again he was my big brother and his speech to me earlier proved that he would always be there for me.
"That's good to hear. You're free to go whenever you're ready Miss Walsh."
Once the doctor had left, Zayn returned and we started readying ourselves to go home. None of us said another word about the Harry situation, we just gathered our things and left the ER to get into Zayn's car. He drove sensibly on the way home, dropping us at our house at nearly one in the morning. I went straight to bed, happily burrowing under the warm covers after a long day.
Niall stayed up all night so that he could wake me up every few hours as the doctor had ordered. I grumbled and groaned every time he shook me awake, assuring him I didn't feel any different each time and then falling back to sleep as soon as I could, but I appreciated the lengths he was going to for me.
Luckily our mum hadn't noticed anything was wrong when we got home a bit late, nor when we didn't wake up early the next morning for school. We hadn't discussed telling her what happened, and quite frankly I didn't want to. It was obvious she'd want to know why the hell Niall had stitches in his face and why I was so miserable and moody, but I liked to think we could find a way round it rather than telling her it was all because of Harry.
I didn't know how to feel. Being left alone with my thoughts as I lay in bed getting my much needed rest on Friday, I couldn't stop thinking about everything. I was still deeply hurt by what Harry had done, of course - my heart ached every time I thought about how he'd betrayed my trust like he had. I was on the verge of tears on and off all day. A small part of me wondered what he was doing. I wondered if he was thinking about me, if he regretted what he'd done, whether the thought of being without me pained him as much as thought of not having him did me. I hated him, but at the same time I wanted to call him up and talk to him, hoping he'd try to persuade me he deserved another chance.
The problem was, he didn't. He didn't deserve yet another chance from me. He couldn't keep messing up and hurting me and then just waltzing back around into my open arms to have me tell him it was all okay, because it wasn't. I couldn't spend my life convincing him he could be this amazing person when he didn't even want to try to be, I couldn't keep accepting his mistakes and waiting around for him when he didn't have it in him to really feel anything for me.
All along I knew getting involved with Harry was a bad idea, and everyone had told me that from the word go. I'd hurt Liam and introduced so much negativity into my life because of him, but I felt like I needed him. I couldn't imagine walking past him in the corridor and acting like we didn't know each other, I hated the thought of not being able to cuddle him when no one else was around, and the fact that my whole life now involved him and his friends meant I'd never be able to fully avoid him. Something in me just needed him.
In the midst of thinking about how much I needed him, I was forgetting one key element in the equation: he didn't need me. He didn't even want me, it seemed. He'd talked about me to his friends like I was nothing. He'd probably be happier without me, since all I did was pressure him into becoming someone he wasn't. Without me he'd be able to do what he wanted freely without having me nagging at him. He didn't have to worry about some idiot crying if he messed up, and he could go back to his old ways.
There was no way he was going to come running back, crying and begging me not to leave. He'd done it once but that must've been all an act so that he could 'crack' me, the thought of using me so appealing to him that he'd acted vulnerable - he could do it then because no one was there to witness it, to laugh at him. Now it was different. Now he'd gotten what he wanted and he didn't need me anymore. He never cared.
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I hope you thought that was kind of exciting because I thought it was lol. Before the A/N this chapter was EXACTLY 3000 words omg. Note: I'm trying to update this whilst making plans in a group chat with 10 other people so it's safe to say I'm stressed out and the update got delayed slightly.
Illicit reached 40K reads today and I'm really excited about it so THANK YOU SO MUCH! It was also ranked number 320 in Fanfiction and chapter 48 got 81 votes!!! I'm so glad you liked it. I'm honestly blown away by how far my story has come, I really appreciate every little bit of support :)
Highlight with a question for me to answer in the next update!
My question for you: What has been your favourite/most memorable moment in the story so far? (I'm so bad at these questions sorry)