(A/N: HI NEW FANFIC CALLED STAINED GO READ)
I shoved him off, eyes wide as I shot up from the couch.
"Dan? What is it, did I do something wrong?"
I shook my head, stumbling back and leaning against the wall. Phil looked at me worriedly. My eyes were watering and my body was shaking, the room beginning to spin.
"Dan what's happening?"
I took one look at him and burst out crying, dropping to my knees. Phil stepped back, staring at me with wide, concerned eyes. It was like being hit by a truck, but only feeling the pain in your chest. My head was pounding and my body was aching as I sat, my knees to my chest.
PJ died and I didn't tell him how much he meant to me.
I hurt Phil so many times.
My parents hate me now.
Chris left with nobody to talk to.
The weed. Jamie. Oh god, I got Jamie to turn his emotions off- and Tyler! What about Tyler? I never called Troye or Connor back about Tyler, he's probably out there- alone and angry.
The clubbing, the one-night stands, the fights, the swearing. The little girl I yelled at. That old man I was ignorant to. I hurt so many nice people.
Phil slowly crawled towards me and took me in his arms as I cried, clutching his shirt tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I repeated over and over, tears streaming down my face at a never ending pace. My head was throbbing from how violently sobs ripped through my throat, and my chest heaved. Phil just shushed me softly and reached out to pet my hair when I grabbed his hand, wanting to shove him but instead feeling defeated and intertwining our fingers.
"It's not okay," I murmured, squeezing his hand and letting it drop onto my lap. "I'm not okay, Phil! This is why I turned my emotions off in the first place, all this guilt, the pain, the sadness-"
"It's called being human." Phil sighed. I choked on a sob. "Dan, I couldn't let you live like you were for the rest of your existence. You deserved better. You deserved to love as much as you are loved."
"It hurts. It hurts- so fucking much. . . why are you here? Why don't you hate me?"
Phil shook his head, coming behind me and resting his chin on my shoulder behind me. "Because I love you. You do stupid things for people you love, but I trust you. You didn't intentionally hurt me, and I know that now. I mean as much to you as you do to me."
"It's so stupid. Love, I mean. You give people so much of your love, and then when they leave they take it with you- and you loved them so much that now you're left with no love to love yourself," I sniffled. "You're just alone and you hate yourself because you gave them your heart and they took your heartbeat and stopped it."
Phil nodded against me. "If it's not okay now, it'll be okay soon, okay? I promise. You just have to promise me that you won't turn your emotions back off. I can't lose you. Not again, baby."
I turned to him, pressing my forehead against his and letting out a shaky breath. "You won't lose me if you promise not to leave me."
Phil kissed my nose gently. "Never. I'll never leave you, angel."
I smiled sadly. "I won't leave you either, Phil." My eyes stung from crying and my breath was constantly shaking, my voice raspy and broken. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn't deserve me, like I didn't care, or like you were unworthy of love. I care about you so much, Phil- you have no idea. I'd protect you with my life if it means your beautiful smile will stay on this planet for a little longer. I'm sorry if I ever made you cry, which I know I did, or for those sleepless nights or the anxious mornings- I'm sorry if I ever made you feel stupid, unloved, or used- I never used you and I never will. I didn't have sex with you, I made love to you. I kissed you because I wanted to, I hung out with you because I wanted to, and I love you because I want to."
Phil's eyes opened, his blue orbs piercing into my brown ones. "What did you just say?"
I blushed. "Oh please, you heard me." Phil began giggling.
"No, sorry, I didn't? Could you repeat those last few words?" Phil teased, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth. I giggled lightly, reaching and taking both of his hands in mine, looking straight into his eyes before murmuring,
"I love you."
Phil's lips twisted up into a toothy grin and he pressed his lips to mine, then pulled away, only to throw his arms around me and hug me tightly. I immediately held his waist, nudging my head into his shoulder as he leaned the side of his head against mine. He squeezed me, as if this was the last hug we would ever have together- but really it was just the start.
"Do you feel any better?" Phil asked me after awhile, the two of us still intertwined. I shook my head. "What can I do to make you feel better?"
"Help me forget," I replied. He nodded, pressing kisses to my forehead a couple times before opening the door. Chris walked in, grocery bags in his hands.
"H- what the hell did I just walk into?" Chris blinked once he saw my tear-streaked face. I smiled at him, wiping my eyes.
"I'm back, Chris."
"Oh my god!" His jaw dropped slightly and he dropped his bags, running towards me and throwing his arms around me. I hugged him back just as tightly, smiling into his clothes. I furrowed my eyebrows when I heard Chris sniffle, noticing he was crying.
"Why are you crying?" I questioned, not pulling away yet. He pulled away, wiping his tears off his cheeks before flashing me a small smile.
"I just really missed you."
I giggled, my eyes watering again. "I missed you too, buddy." And then we hugged again. I exhaled, laughing slightly. "Oh c'mon, Chris, you're gonna make me cry again."
Chris chuckled. "Right, sorry. I'll go put the groceries up. Phil, take him out and make that little shit relive the happiness he once felt, okay?" He told Phil.
Phil and I laughed. "I will," Phil responded. We said goodbye to Chris and headed out, the time being around ten at night. Phil drove me to that same bar where we first met. I began to feel anxious, bad memories of fighting coming back up. Phil noticed, placing his hand on my leg reassuringly.
"I know you have bad memories here, so why not make some good ones?" Phil offered. I nodded. "We'll just eat here, then I'll take you somewhere else."
We sat down and ate, talking and laughing- Phil completely distracting me from my anxiety. I excused myself to the bathroom and called Troye.
"Dan?" Troye asked.
"Hi," I replied awkwardly. "I'm really sorry for not calling back- I just got my emotions back on-"
"Oh my gosh! Hold on a sec!" Troye told me. I waited. "Connor! Guess what?" I heard. "What?" I heard Connor say to Troye. "Dan got his emotions back!" Troye screamed. "Woooooooooo!" Connor yelled in sync with Troye.
"Okay, hi." He came back.
"Hi." I giggled.
"So what is it?" Troye asked.
"I want to help Tyler tomorrow, do you know where he is?"
"He's still living back at his house, but he's been ignoring my calls," Troye explained. "Now, go be with Phil and get some!"Connor burst out laughing in the background.
I blushed. "Screw you," I chuckled.
Troye laughed. "No, that's Phil's job! I just told you that!" He mocked. I groaned. "Now, have fun, alright Dan? You deserve it! Bye!"
"Bye, Troyeboy."
I hung up and walked back out, and once Phil and I were done eating, I got in his car and we drove. Phil had told me it was a surprise so I didn't know where, but when he parked I looked around. We were in the woods. "Phil, what are we doing here?" I asked. He ignored me but took my hand, dragging me along with him into the woods. I stopped when I saw a tire laying on the floor, partly covered by leaves and mud.
Phil looked down, running his fingers along the lone tire.
"This is where it happened."
I paused. "The accident?"
He nodded. I sat down next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"I figured, that if we replaced your bad memories with good ones, then we should do the same with mine?" Phil told me, looking up at me, the moonlight shining on his face as the crickets chirped and tree leaves rustled. I nodded, taking his hand in mine while the two of us lay down on the blanket he set down.
"Of course," I smiled at him. "So this is what it's like to have feelings, huh?"
"Pretty cool, right?" Phil told me.
"Eh, it's alright," I joked. Phil rolled his eyes.
"Shut up before you make me turn mine off."
And then we laughed, and I had never been more in love with Phil Lester.