Hey guy's quick author note Since I'm back in High school I've been really busy so My update's will usually be on the weekends and sometimes during the week I don't really know I'll try to update twice a week to keep it flowing :-)
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C H A P T E R 3 9//L I F E L E S S
I jolt awake to a ringing sound in my ear's and tiredly look to the side of me At my ringing alarm clock telling me I had 1 hour and 23 minutes to get up and get ready for work.I roll out of bed robotically and smash my hand down on the annoying ringing alarm clock silencing it.With out a word I push my self of the hard unforgiving bed and head towards the bathroom Blinking the tiredness out of my eyes.
I walk inside and spare a glance at my self through the mirror and instantly frown I looked...Horrible My once pure white hair has turned a dull Blondish color as if the life was sucked right out of it,I had giant bags under my eye's from lack of sleep and My eye color was the worst of all.It remains a Dull dull Gray it just looks so lifeless.It's been Four day's Since I've Walked away from Eisuke Four miserable Exhausting days.
I hang my head lower and swallow hard I couldn't even stand to look at my reflection anymore the cut on my calf has been healing steadily but I'm sure that it'll leave a nasty scar.I put my hand over my chest feeling my heart beat Slowly and I close my eye's slightly just imagining how wonderful it would be if it stopped.I actually felt as if I had nothing left to live for I haven't seen Faith in forever My mom is gone My dad Is gone But still living somewhere,Eisuke left me.
Honestly Is there anything left to live for?It could be so Easy Just a couple pill's too many or an 'Accidental' Tumble off the roof of the hotel and my existence would be Gone I would be a memory and worst part is No one is left so no one would care I would be just another Suicide.That though settled in my stomach and suddenly I started to feel sick...Very sick I rush over to the toilet and kneel down Throwing open the lid.Vomit raised from my throat and I was forced to let it out Since I haven't Eaten in a awhile I was basically dry-heaving.
After I was done I sat back on my heels shaking slightly tears running down my face It Really hurts To dry-heave.I frown slightly and wipe my mouth with the back of my pale hand I've been throwing up a lot lately mostly from over thinking and To say the truth I hated it.I hated being so weak,I hated Eisuke for everything,I hated my mom for leaving me,I hated my sister for not being there for me,Most of all I hated Me I couldn't stand to even talk anymore I was so disgusted with my self for everything.
It take's a lot to hate yourself thats what everyone says But that right there is a lie Im pretty sure That it could take one mistake and you could hate yourself.
I shake off everything and start getting ready.
~At the hotel~
I hated working here now but it was a good distraction from everything It was easy to forget everything and just work.
I passed by Erica looking ahead of myself lifelessly,I could feel her intense glare burning into me but I ignore her and take in a deep breath.That's when I could hear her whisper to her little lapdogs right next to her "Look's like someone finally out her in her place To be honest I mean really what did she expect She's not even that pretty why would he keep her?" I stop walking and turn my head behind my shoulder and look at her My face blank.
I could see all hint of amusement vanish from her face and she slightly backs up looking slightly scared.I blink twice at her My face still blank.I could give a shit anymore.
I blink one more time and turn my head back to the front of me and continue walking to my next room That I need to clean My hand's limply at my side's.A swarm of people where in the lobby I try to push past them just wanting to get to my next room and get it done.I make my way to the front of the crowd relieved I finally made it through the mob of people but that relief washes away and I freeze to my spot.
I could see his brown silk brown hair slightly messy Falling around his face His Yellow eyes scan the crowd Slightly and settle on me for a second.I meet his eyes but instead of screaming or flipping him off I just sigh lightly feeling my heart have a familiar aching feeling.
He doesn't care Catarina just go to your Room you need to clean.
Iv'e been listening to that tiny voice in my head for awhile now and I wasn't about to stop now.I look at him blankly Not a care on my face I turn away from him Frowning lightly I walk robotically away I could feel his stare pierce into my back but I make myself not look back.Clenching my jaw I gnash my teeth together.
I don't even care anymore why should I?
I enter the room and I widen my eyes sightly seeing Takahiro Straighten the vases.I clear my throat and he snaps his head up at me He give's me a little smile but I just nod my head at him.I haven't smiled for awhile Hell I haven't even Really talked for a while I stay silent and do my work.I go over to the bed's and smooth out the sheets while fixing the pillow's My mouth in a grim line.
"Hey Catarina?"Takahiro call's out over to me I straighten my back and look at him Over my shoulder nodding my head letting him know it's okay to talk to me A small smile still on his face he open's his mouth and nervously asks me what's been on his mind."Uh can..."He bite's his lip ad suddenly straightens out instead of a small smile he flashes me a heart warming one I slightly narrow my eyes waiting for him to spit out what he want's to ask me.
"Would you like to go to the bar with me tonight?"I widen my eyes and Look at him confused "I mean it doesn't need to be a bar we could eat or something..." I look down Getting lost in my thoughts.Is he asking me out?I think he is....But it wouldn't be good if we go to the bar Considering I know I'm going to go crazy on the drinking and I don't really eat anymore...
Slowly I look back up meeting his gaze and nod two time's He look's quite relived that I didn't shoot him down and he smirk's lightly however When he smirked It felt emptier to me.You just miss him Catarina get over it He tossed you to the side he's a man-whore You knew that from the very start.I allow a very very smile to be shown to him I go back to the bed and tilt my head to the side.
Yeah I just need to forget about him I never feel in love it was just an illusion As I've said before many time's Love is not real.
I blink away my emotions and continue to work silently.
~After work~
I head out of the hotel and see Takahiro Leaning right against the brick wall I walk up to him straightening my White blouse and let my hair fall out of the ponytail it was in all day.I tug at his sweatshirt instead of announcing that I was next to him.He snaps his head over to me Surprised at first but soon that surprise melted away to something else that I couldn't quite read.
We both start walking towards the bar I stay quite not Saying any objections I'm not going to drink anyways.Haha watch me break that 2 seconds later..
You know it's funny I though I was Lifeless and cold hearted before well from before compared to me now I had no idea What it meant to be so....Lifeless.I hate it,I hate feeling numb and tired all the time there are now nights where I just beg for it all to just go away I would kill myself if it wasn't for that I made a promise to My mom before she died that I would try To find a way to be happy and like I said before I fully intend to at least try.
If I Died now I would break that promise and I'm not going to disrespect her like that.Now I know some people can wonder how I forgave her so quickly Considering I grew up in fear because of her the answer is quite simple If you really think about it.
I'm not a forgiving type of a person I hold grudges for a very long time But when you see your Mom in pain and So pale so Lost to this world And you see that she is truly sorry It's hard not to forgive a person after you witness that.I just wish I never had to witness it I just.....
I'm so sorry.
It was my selfishness Thats ruining everyone and myself.Yet I will not stop being the way I am Simply because I do not know how to stop,I can try but it would be close to impossible That's what makes me a horrible person.What makes me so horrible Is I do not regret Ignoring her all those years,I do not regret Walking away from her years ago,I do not regret telling her to her face that I hated her when I was younger.
I do however regret becoming the way I am a disgrace to our family and to my mother.
I stop my thought process by looking over at Takahiro he seems to be in his own little thought process to Until he senses my eyes on him He turns his head in my direction my tired eyes fallowing his movements.
So tired....
I try to shake it away and he Tilt's his head to the side slightly "What is it?" He questions Looking at me confused I simple shake my head to indicate It was nothing he raises an eyebrow and stops walking all together I stop to as well a little farther up than him."I haven't heard you talk in a long time."I comment's the obvious I shrug my shoulders And purse my lips together Tightly in a line."People are worried about you,You know Cat..."He states almost accusingly at me and I narrow my eyes at him almost scowling.
I call Bullshit alert name one person who actually gives a shit about me!
I want to scream that at him but instead settle for another simple shrug.He sighs possibly aggravated He reaches his hand out to me Instinctively I swat his hand away quickly Backing away from him Now full on scowling.This action seems to surprise him more than hurt his feelings His backs away a little bit to holding his hands up in a surrender Position.
Don't you dare touch me.
I suddenly stiffen Releasing I was acting idiotically I downcast my eye's to the ground feeling slightly guilty,I didn't need to swat him away it's not like he was going to molest me.I sigh lightly and lift my head up to him Lifting the corner's of my lip's into a small smile as if to say 'I'm sorry' he seems to understand and just smiles at me back.Feeling awkward I shift to my right foot fidgeting slightly until I just turn back around and walk towards the bar I could hear his voice call out to me from behind of myself.
"Will you talk at all?"
I frown to myself and bite my lip.Chances are no I haven't talked to anybody In about 3 days now and for some reason I just didn't feel like Talking.I smirk slightly so he couldn't see and Shake my head a 'no' a couple times.What's talking going to do?Absolutely nothing It will possibly only hurt more Plus I couldn't even stand my own voice not at this moment.
Then the two people I was hoping to not see for awhile Exit the bar His arm wrapped around the girls waist almost protectively and he places a kiss on her lips it was a quick gesture but It still tore my heart In two.My throat suddenly felt dry and my stomach did a large backflip Jealousy and sickness surged through my veins along with pain and Hurt.
He really did Toss me to the side for another girl who wasn't a Emo or a suicidal freak someone who didn't trouble him someone who would do anything for him someone who wouldn't argue with him over every little thing.That someone wasn't me...
I wanted to slap myself For thinking like that but deep down I knew it was true.
I look to the side to avoid looking at them and I run over to the grass kneeling down on my knees I pull my hair out of my face and start to dry-heave Making sicking noises.I was driving myself insane over a single person A person who didn't care about me a person who used me.To be fair I did know he was using me Thats the only reason why he bought me Even when I was stuck int hat cage he didn't care about me he just wanted someone to help him.
I could feel Takahiro's worried gaze cut into me but that just makes a sob leave my lips I quickly try to cover it up knowing I was in public and in front Of Eisuke along with Takahiro I wont Break down that easily I don't care If I'm dying on the inside I have at least that much dignity.
"I know I'm perfect and all but that's just sad that your still crying over me."
Im going to jail tonight for murder....