The pain came slowly. It would start in the morning. I would be doing something simple like brushing my hair and suddenly feel a twinge of discomfort somewhere in the middle of my head. It would become an afterthought as I proceeded with my day. By lunchtime, I would have to take some pain relievers to quell the headache. By bedtime, the headache would graduate to a migraine and no amount of pills could control the unrelenting pain.
I kept very quiet when I had a migraine. I would tell Harry I was going to bed early and I would slip between the sheets just after the sun had set. In the dark, silent tears would trail from my eyes as I bit my lip to keep from crying out in agony.
Harry knew something was wrong, but he didn't press me for details. He would let me go to bed without question. He would sleep on his side of the bed without so much as an effort to brush against me during the night. He would wake up early and make me tea. For days we were both at the mercy of my migraines.
____________
I had been sleeping for most of the afternoon in Harry's bed. He had asked one of his housekeepers to hang thicker curtains to block out the light in his room for me. The sun would only intensify my headaches I slept most of the day because I was awake all night with the pain of the migraines.
I heard the front door of the townhouse open and close and then I could hear light footsteps coming down the hall. The bedroom door opened and closed. In the darkness of the room, I could see the outline of Harry.
"How are you feeling?" His voice was so soft.
"Miserable," I whispered.
"Can I turn the bedside lamp on?" When I nodded, Harry turned the lamp on and a dim golden light illuminated. It didn't hurt my eyes. "I brought you something."
"What?" I asked out of curiosity.
Harry reached in a paper bag and pulled out a bottle of pills. "I called your doctor. He explained that it's normal for migraines to come weeks after getting the concussion. How long they last depends on the person. He recommended I buy you these pills. They're a higher dosage of pain relief specifically for migraines."
I was so desperate for pain relief that I was willing to try anything. "Thank you, Harry."
"You haven't eaten in two days. Let's get you up, get you something to eat, and you can take the medicine."
"Okay," I breathed.
Harry took my hand and helped me out of bed. I latched onto his arm as we walked out of the bedroom. A combination of not eating and not getting out of bed had left me weak. He walked carefully for me.
"What sounds good?" Harry helped me onto one of the kitchen stools and opened the refrigerator.
"Absolutely nothing."
"Come on, darling," he cooed impatiently.
The migraines had stolen my appetite. I would sleep all day when I should normally eat and when I was awake at night, the pain was so severe it consumed all of my thoughts. "How about a banana?"
Harry sighed and closed the refrigerator door. "Kate, I know you don't sleep at night. Neither do I. How could I sleep when the girl beside me is writhing in unbearable pain? I can hear you cry in the night."
"It's not that bad," I whispered.
"It is that bad. I know you well enough to tell. So, please, pick something to eat so you can take these pills. You can't take them on an empty stomach."
Harry convinced me to eat two pieces of toast and half a banana. It was late afternoon and the sun was setting early like it usually did in the winter. I could see light peaking through the closed blinds in the kitchen. He sat patiently beside me as I ate. When a single crust from the bread remained on the plate, Harry gave in. He got me the pills and I swallowed them quickly.
"I'm going to get in the shower," I told him.
Harry put my plate in the sink and walked me to the bathroom. I leaned against the bathroom counter as I watched Harry get me a towel and turn the shower on. He walked over to me and rubbed his hand up and down my upper arm. "Call for me if you need anything."
"Thanks, Harry."
Steam swirled around me as I stepped in the shower. I flinched under the hot water. I watched as my skin turned red as a result of the temperature. After several moments, the water felt soothing, not irritating. The heat numbed the pain in my head and all of the frustration I had been feeling.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, the conversation I had with Louis was causing me some trouble. I had promised Louis that I would speak to Harry about everything I had been feeling. I hadn't yet done that. I felt guilty for leaving Harry in the dark. I knew Louis was right about me needing to be upfront with Harry.
When all of the conditioner was rinsed from my hair, I turned the water off and leaned against the cold tile of the shower. I squeezed the remaining water out of my hair and stepped from the shower and wrapped the towel around me.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. "Yes?" I asked hesitantly.
"Sorry to bother you, love. I left my phone on the counter. Can I come in and get it?"
"One second!" I called. I dropped the towel to the floor and pulled on the clean clothes Harry had set out for me. When I tugged the t-shirt over my head, I glanced at the counter and saw Harry's phone. I picked it up and took it to the door.
"Hey," Harry said when I opened the door. "Did the shower help?"
I handed him the phone. "A little."
Harry tucked the phone in his front pocket and stepped closer to me. He turned me around and guided me back into the bathroom. The room was hot and humid from the shower. Carefully, Harry stopped me in front of the mirror. He reached around and picked up a hairbrush.
"Harry, I have a headache." I knew what he was going to do and I tried to stop him.
"I'll be gentle," he promised.
For several minutes, Harry cautiously brushed my hair. He smoothed the tangles. His fingers chased the brush though my locks. His hand was steady as he held the brush. He knew pulling too hard on my hair would heighten the pain my headache was already causing me. His care for me was so evident with each stroke of the brush.
"There," he whispered. Harry set the brush down and looked in my eyes through the mirror.
"Thank you," I whispered back.
Harry watched as I left the bathroom and went straight back to his bed. I tried to ignore the frown on his face. He leaned against the bathroom doorframe as I settled into the mess of sheets and pillows.
"I thought you might want to watch a film with me. We could take it easy tonight."
"I'm really tired." I hoped I sounded convincing.
"Of course, love." He walked to my side of the bed and leaned over me. I felt his lips meet my forehead for a moment before he stood up again. "Feel better."
____________
I woke up when Harry got in bed. The time on the bedside clock indicated it was just after midnight. I felt the bed dip under Harry's weight. The duvet shifted as he pulled it over his chest. I heard the heavy sigh as Harry settled in the pillows.
The intense migraine hadn't subsided. The medication had initially worked, but the aching had returned. The pain was sharp, intense. It was not confined to my head, but traveled down my shoulders and back. I felt my body twitch involuntarily as a result. Certainly Harry could feel my convulsions as he lay next to me.
Tears formed in my eyes after several minutes of tremendous aching had overtaken my body. I was lying on my side with my back to Harry. I was shaking uncontrollably and wanted any form of relief. I needed something. I needed anything. I can't survive if this is how it's going to be, I thought.
A warm hand snaked up under my t-shirt and carefully caressed my stomach. Harry had moved close to me and began soothingly rubbing my sides. His lips were close to my ear and he began whispering to me, "It's okay, I'm here."
"Can you get me more pills?" I begged.
"Yes."
Harry was back immediately with a glass of water and more migraine pills. I quickly took the medicine and lay back down. Harry placed the water on the bedside table and watched me intently for a few moments. Etched on his face was worry. His eyes were a blazing green and his lips had formed a tight line.
"I'll be okay." I wasn't sure if I was saying it for my benefit or Harry's benefit. The tears streaming down my face weren't convincing for either of us.
Harry turned the light out and got under the duvet once again. I was still slightly shaking. When I closed my eyes, I felt him move. Harry settled his body against mine. His chest was touching my back. His legs were resting against mine. He draped an arm around my middle and held me tightly.
I didn't say anything. Despite the pain still coursing through my head, Harry's touch had stopped my shaking completely. I relaxed into him and I felt his body relax as well. "Harry?"
"Shh. I've got you, baby."
____________
It was early in the morning when my eyes opened. Harry was sleeping in the center of the bed. His legs were touching mine. I glanced at the clock and it was just after five. I closed my eyes in an effort to find sleep again, but I knew it was useless.
My legs swung over the side of the bed and I pushed myself up. In the dark, I found a pair of leggings on the floor. I pulled them on and found a pair of trainers. I opened Harry's bedroom door and slipped out noiselessly. At the bottom of the stairs, I found a jacket and pulled it on. I took the spare key from the table beside the front door and I left the house.
The air was freezing and a thick layer of fresh snow covered everything in sight. There were tracks in the snow from a few faithful runners that had braved the cold. I wandered down the street slowly. I breathed deeply and watched large puff of steam emit from my lips into the still air around me. Frost had created delicate patterns on the windows of cars and buildings. Steady streams of smoke poured from chimneys.
A car drove by and slowed down near me. As I glanced over, the car sped up again and continued down the street. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, unsure of what the driver had been doing.
I continued my walk for nearly an hour. I saw a few people slowly walking their dogs curiously prodding at the snow with their noses. The owner of a corner coffee shop opened the store and turned all the lights on. I found a bench along the street and brushed off the snow so I could sit down. Being out of the house felt like such freedom. I could breathe real air and actually think straight without the pain of a headache or the guilt off seeing Harry without telling him how I had been feeling. Part of me wanted to get a taxi to drive me to my flat, but the better half of me wanted to stay with Harry longer.
When the streets started filling with more people and one woman pointed to me and said my name, I turned around and started walking back to Harry's townhouse. It was clear that the driver of the strange car had tipped people off that I was out. I climbed the steps and fished the key from my pocket. I turned the doorknob and kicked the snow from my trainers before relocking the door and slipping silently into the house.
Harry was as I left him. He had moved closer to his side of the bed now. He was lying on his stomach with his mess of curls poking in every direction. The duvet had slipped down to his hips and the hem of his shirt had ridden up so a small band of skin was showing between his shirt and the top of his Calvin Kleins.
I stripped off the leggings and put my shorts back on. I pulled the jacket off and stood in my t-shirt to pull back the duvet. I got back in bed and fell back asleep to the quiet sounds of Harry sleeping.
____________
Later that morning, Harry was working in the kitchen when I came down the stairs. His laptop was opened and he was intently staring at the screen. His eyes were distorted by confusion and the corners of his mouth were turned downward to complete a frown. I walked up to him and placed my hand on his forearm.
"What's this?" he demanded.
On the computer screen was an image of me. I was standing alone on a street corner. Judging by the lighting it was nearly night...or nearly daybreak. After a moment of thinking, I realized it was a picture of me that had been taken when I snuck out of Harry's townhouse to take a walk just hours before.
"I photo of me," I muttered.
"When was this taken?"
"A couple of hours ago. I woke up early and went for a walk. I needed to clear my head."
Harry sighed and his eyes looked agitated. He closed the laptop and paced around the kitchen for a few wordless moments. "Hours ago? Hours! You have to be more careful."
"About going on walks?"
"About going out in general, Kate."
"Why?"
"Because you're my girlfriend!" He raised his voice at me. "Everyone wants to see inside my world and you can't be so careless about letting them in!"
"I'm your girlfriend? This is your world? So this is all about you?"
"That's not what I meant." I couldn't read him.
"You're overreacting. I went for a walk. Hardly anyone was out."
"Yeah, well clearly someone recognized you and now you're being printed in magazines."
It was then that I realized my mistake. I had assumed that I just needed to get reacquainted with Harry. I had completely failed to understand that I had to get reacquainted with this world. I had misjudged the magnitude of the task of my recovery. My voice quieted, "This is all too much."
"What?" His voice dropped.
"This is complicated!" I yelled. My hand gestured between us.
"But it doesn't have to be! You just keep saying that as an excuse not to talk about how you feel. I'm walking through the dark here! You have to help me understand!" Without words, the subject had changed and we were no longer talking about the photograph of me. We were now talking about our relationship.
The things I had admitted to Louis flooded my mind. It seemed like the time to really shed some light on where Harry and I stood. I took a deep breath. "Harry, don't you see? I'm ruining everything for you! You have had to put everything else aside to take care of me. I'm a mess and you're wasting your time by trying to pick up the pieces. You have gotten out of obligations, ignored friends, and put you life on hold for me. I've been nothing but a burden and I don't think I'm worth it. You've given me so much and I hardly feel capable of returning any of it. You're wasting your time!"
"I am not wasting my time. I don't care about anything else! You are worth everything to me. I only care about you!" His voice was frantic.
"That's the problem," I said under my breath.
His face changed. His eyes looked cold and the color drained from his face. He backed a few steps away from me. His lips parted in disbelief at the words he heard me say. He looked horrified for an instant. Then his face changed again. Just as Harry regained control of his emotions, I lost control of mine. Tears were freely falling down my face and my breathing had become erratic as it dodged powerful sobs.
"Do you want to go home?" he whispered.
"You want to drive me to my flat?"
He shook his head. "No. I mean do you want to go home."
At first, I missed his point. Then I understood perfectly. He was asking if I wanted to spend some time away at my parents' house. Having time away to figure things out sounded like the best possible solution to the anger and frustration I was feeling. I needed to get away from this crowd. I needed to get away from London. I needed to get away from Harry.
"Yes."
"I'll buy you a plane ticket."
____________
Within an hour, Harry and I were at my flat. He was on the phone with an airline representative about booking me a ticket on the next available flight. I had left him alone to work out the details as I went up to my bedroom to begin packing.
I had mixed emotions about leaving. I was a little sad to leave Harry. I had grown fond of him over the past weeks together. But I was also more than happy to be getting away from his chaotic world. Socials and charities and photographers and fans and rumors were all too much for me to handle at this point. I needed room to breathe for a little while. In the back of my mind there was also a little worry about what would happen to Harry and I after I left.
I put a few tops and pairs of jeans in a small suitcase. I stuffed makeup and a toothbrush in a cosmetics bag that went into the suitcase as well. I was mindlessly packing. The emotions I was feeling were too distracting to put a decent string of thoughts together.
"Hey," Harry's low voice came from the doorway. His arms were crossed against his chest and his eyes lacked the vibrant green color they usually had in exchange for a dull forest shade.
"Hey," I returned.
"So I spoke with the airline and I booked you a ticket on a flight that leaves in two hours. I have a car coming to pick us up. We're going to need bodyguards at the airport when I drop you off so they'll be there too."
"Right," I muttered.
"I made your trip for three weeks. Is that going to be enough time? I can make it longer if you want. When you get there, you can just call me if you want to extend it."
"Three weeks is fine, Harry."
He nodded slowly and nodded to the suitcase on my bed. "Do you have everything packed?"
"Yes." I realized he was referring to the small suitcase when I was going to be gone for three weeks. "I have clothes at my parents' house still."
"Okay. The car will be here soon. I'll take your suitcase downstairs."
"Thanks."
I watched as Harry effortlessly picked up the suitcase and disappeared out of my bedroom and down the stairs. I found a handbag in my closet. I made sure I had my wallet and then went to my bedside table where a book was resting. I took the book and put it in my handbag before turning out the light and descending the stairs.
____________
We weren't even at the airport for five minutes before people recognized Harry. They were at us in an instant. Pieces of paper and pens were being shoved in his face for autographs. Girls were screaming at Harry and running frantically toward us. The bodyguards that had accompanied us encircled us and kept the girls at bay. Even though we had bodyguards, Harry still wrapped his arm around me protectively and held up his hand to shield my face from photos instead of his own.
Special airport officials approached us. One took my bag and assured us it would be taken to the plane immediately. Another official handed Harry the envelope containing my plane ticket. Harry thanked the official and we were led to a secluded waiting area.
"We have ten minutes before you have to go through security and then board the plane," Harry told me quietly.
"Okay," I nodded.
"I got you something," he smiled.
"What is it?"
He handed me a pack of gum. "Your ears usually get plugged from the pressure on the flight...I just always used to give you gum whenever we flew somewhere together. Because the gum helps you pop your ears. Something to do with chewing helps relieve the pressure...anyway." He suddenly looked unsure of himself.
Though I didn't remember him giving me gum before, I thought it was cute. "Thanks, Harry."
The bodyguards took us to a private room and waited outside for us. Harry and I were completely alone. He stood directly in front of me. He was biting his lip nervously.
"I shouldn't have raised my voice at you earlier," he nearly whispered. "I guess I'm just really protective, you know, of you. I don't like that people photograph you and want to talk about you. It was wrong of me to shout at you."
I took one of his hands in mine. "It's okay, Harry. We're both adjusting."
"Yeah." He squeezed my hand.
"Harry?" I looked up.
"What?"
"Thank you. Not just for the plane ticket, but for letting me go."
His face looked sad for a moment. "I would do anything for you."
I bit my lip and smiled at him. The corners of his mouth turned downward and his eyes looked glassy. Dark curls stuck out from beneath his beanie. Without a word, I stood on my toes and leaned into Harry. He got the hint and leaned in as well. His lips found mine and he kissed me hard. The kiss held so much emotion. Through the kiss, I understood how much he wanted me to stay. I hoped that through the kiss he understood how much I needed to leave.
His lips left mine and ghosted up my jaw until he reached my ear. Then he said it. He said exactly what he didn't know I needed to hear most. His lips got close and he whispered, "I'm yours."
He knew just what to say. He knew that if he had said, "you're mine," I would have pulled away from him. I would have distanced myself emotionally. At that point, that sort of possessiveness would have scared me off. But he didn't say that. He knew me.
The door opened, but Harry didn't move. His strong arms were still wrapped around me and my hands were clutching the shirt against his chest. "Mr. Styles, we're ready for Kate in security." The door closed and we were alone again.
Harry continued with his voice raspy and hushed against me, "I'm yours and distance cannot change that."