I collapsed on the nearest chair as soon as I heard the vanity door close. I closed my eyes and concentrated for a while on just breathing in and out, rubbing my temples profusely. Breathe in. Breathe out. This was dangerous, more than dangerous it was unhealthy. I could not let him have that kind of control over me. Here I was, all flustered and nervous, my emotions all over the place, my body beyond my control, just because he happened to give me the light of day, after months of ignoring and pretending that I didn't exist. Our last two encounters , right here in this vanity, were etched in my memory in perfect detail, each moment, each expression seared with perfect clarity. The way the chocolate in his eyes melted when he was reassuring me that everything would be alright, the gentle way in which he kissed me leaving me wanting for more, the memory of his touch on my cheeks as he caressed it softly, the burning fire that seemed to ignite somewhere inside my body when he pulled me closer. What was wrong with me!
No, this was not on me. I had not initiated this turn of events. I was perfectly at ease with the situation that we had created for ourselves. Ignore and avoid, that was our mantra. It had taken me a while to accept the way things were, but I had made my peace with it, carefully burying all the unresolved feelings I might had had for him in the deepest corners of my heart. He had no right to barge into my life like this and invade my personal space. What had changed, my mind threw that question at me and I was forced to go over the last two days trying to find some logical sequence of events that would indicate as to why had he suddenly decided to wreck havoc in my life and the reason behind this sudden change. An image of Disha's devastated face flashed before my eyes followed by Parth's helpless expression as he had stared into my eyes that day. The expression that had changed into something more, something my mind rejected to understand. I recalled his own admission that they had broken up and immediately withdrew from this line of thinking. I didn't want to reach any conclusion.
"Ma'am, the shot is ready," the spot boy's voice made me jump and I instantly pushed all such lingering thoughts away from my mind. I gave him a nod indicating that I was coming and turned around to face the mirror. I refreshed the make-up, making sure that my face did not give me away and the volley of emotions that were churning inside me.
As I walked out of the vanity to face the camera, trying to concentrate on what was to come, there was a last unsettling thought still lingering in my mind that refused to fade away.
Why hadn't I stopped him?
" No, Niti, I am not feeling the moment. There is something missing," Shanshank, the director called out while trailing his fingers across his forehead. He looked at Parth and me in frustration and said " Let's take it from the top once again."
I cursed him inwardly and looked up to curse some more at the heaven above. Surely someone was enjoying this tremendously up there. I lowered my eyes to find Parth looking at me with an amused expression and smiling a crooked smile, mocking me. I ground my teeth together cursing him to the burning pits of hell. I gave him an annoyed expression, turning my face away from his handsome one. I heard him chuckle at that, but did not look at him lest I lose my self control completely and end up punching him right in the face. He wouldn't look so irresistible with a black eye, now would he? I balled my up my hands in tight fists just in case his smirking face drove me to do something I would regret.
It was a simple enough scene, not even as intimate as some others that we had done without batting an eyelid. Parth had to gently trail his hands up and down my arms while I had to just respond to his touch giving appropriate expressions, ultimately ending in a passionate hug. Compared to some of the more intimate scenes that we had shot this was a cake walk. But the director, he seemed to find something missing in my expression, like I was not feeling it from inside.
Of course I wasn't feeling it from inside! For the last five minutes, I had trained my mind not to respond to him, not to feel anything and here he was ruining all my efforts. I let out a long breath, as the director called action one more time.
I looked into Parth's eyes once again, trying sincerely to do justice to the emotions that we were potraying, trying to the feel the love story, rather than concentrate on the unsettling feelings that he ignited in me. As I stared into his chocolate brown eyes, drowing in their depths, he touched my upper arms lightly and I felt electricity zap through me, leaving me breathless.
Touch had a language of its own, it had a memory of its own.
I had read this quote somewhere but couldn't really understand its meaning up until that moment. He had touched me a hundred times before like this in front of the camera, and not once had I felt uncomfortable or awkward. He had been thorough gentleman in that regard, never stepping over the line and always maintaining restraint. It had been one of the qualities that had initially intensified my regard for him, although I was secretly disappointed that he could do that while I found it extremely difficult to control my reactions around him.
He never lost control over his body or emotions like me, and that caused me to ponder that he never lost hold on his feelings because he didn't have any for me. That thought had left a searing ache in my heart and over time I had been able to soothe it, accepting the fact that it was not meant to be.
But now as he trailed his fingers over my arms and hands, I could feel something different in his touch. Like it was trying to communicate something more, more than the emotions of the character that he was playing, something beyond that. His touch communicated an unspoken desire, a warmth and something else so entirely foreign to me that I cannot even begin to describe it. I could feel my insides melting and a warm fuzzy feeling settling deep in my heart. He gazed into my eyes not wavering from them for even a moment as he gently pulled me closer in a hug. I found my arms going behind his back, of their own accord and I had a sudden thought that all I really ever wanted was right here in my arms. He wrapped his arms around me fiercely and I savoured his touch, instilling its memory and language in my memory.
"Cut!", Shashank called out in a loud voice, pulling me out of my trance.
I instantly released my hold on him, trying to find my place as my emotions had once again betrayed me and run wild. I pulled apart dreading looking at his face, recalling the last time I had lost hold on my emotions during the kiss and his mocking smile in response to that. I could feel his intense gaze on me, and I kept my eyes lowered refusing to be mocked at again. This feeling was too close to my heart to be teased about.
He continued staring at me and I was forced to look up only to find his face adorned with the softest and warmest of smiles I had ever seen grace a human face. I was left breathless at the sheer beauty and purity of it. It spoke of a shared moment, reverence and warmth. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks, colouring them a dark crimson. I looked away from his eyes not wanting him to see the havoc he wrecked on my body and emotions with his mere expressions.
"That was great Parth and Niti. Especially you Niti, that was damn real", Shashank said in a complimentary tone and announced pack up for the day. I heaved a sigh of relief and headed straight for my vanity, not sparing another glance at Parth.
I quickly changed and gathered my belongings in a hurry, not wanting to have a third encounter with him in this vanity. I didn't think my senses could handle such continued torture. I rushed out of the vanity and in my hurry bumped into whoever was coming from the other way.
"Ouch", I heard Utkarsh cry out in pain. He instantly sobered up as he saw me. In the few months that we had worked together I had become extremely fond of him. He was an easy going person, a little childish and immature at times, but was innocent at heart. I always saw him as the brother I never had. He was a younger to me and new in this field.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't see where I was going," he said apologetically and then smiled at me.
"It was my fault Utkarsh. Please don't apologize," I said, giving him a warm smile."Where were you going in such a hurry?" I asked him.
"Oh, I was just coming to see you only, to see what you were upto?" he replied, and his voice had a nervous tone attached to it that I couldn't understand.
"Nothing really, it was a long day. I just want to go back home and sleep. Barsha is waiting for me at home for dinner", I replied smiling at him, hoping to put him at ease, and take away the nervous look from his face.
His face fell a little and he seemed disappointed by my answer."Oh I was just thinking if we could grab a cup of coffee together....but no worries, some other time," he said in an unsure voice.
"Of course, anytime," I smiled widely at him to make up for disappointing him.
He walked away after giving another smile and I smiled back at him. As I started walking towards my car again, I heard the vanity door behind me bang loudly and Parth came out with a furious expression on his face. Before I could even react to it, he walked past me in haste, not even sparing me a glance, leaving me staggered. What was wrong with him? I could never fathom out this boy! After giving me the most angelic smile ever, he goes and behaves like that. I shook my head in frustration, and ignoring him completely continued on my way to the car.
As I approached the parking lot I saw Charlie standing near her car, which was parked beside mine and was talking to Parth. I reached my car and waved a hi to her, completely ignoring Parth. The other cast members on set, were used to our standard policy of no-contact with each other and no one even noticed it anymore. It was a forgone conclusion and no one brought it up anymore. They had accepted things the way they were.
As I was getting in my car, Charlie called out," Hey Niti, wait. Are you up for a cup of coffee? Parth just suggested a great place that has opened recently. Are you in?"
My eyes flickered to Parth and he was looking at me with a blank expression. I got more annoyed at his attitude and replied," No, sorry. Barsha is waiting for me at home. We are supposed to have dinner together."
He just rolled his eyes at my reply and I raised my chin a couple of inches higher."Maybe you and I can check it out, some other time," I replied in a sugary sweet voice, smiling widely at her, emphasizing on you and I .
He seemed irritated by my reply and that pleased me to no end.
I started walking towards the driver's side of the car, when I heard a familiar voice call out my name." Niti, wait."I turned around to see Zain, walking or rather jogging towards me with a grin plastered on his face. I smiled at him and waved him a greeting. Zain was the newest cast member to join the show and in the short span that he had been shooting we had become great friends. He was really fun to be around, always cracking jokes and smiled easily. I thanked my stars everyday that there were such easy going people on the sets who smiled and talked to me, Utkarsh, Charlie, Zain to name a few, otherwise if not for them I don't think I would have survived this long. If it were upto some people, whose moods changed as fast as the pendulum of a clock, I would have had a nervous breakdown by now. I turned around to glare at Parth as I thought this, only to find his eyes already glued on me with an irritated expression on his face. I instantly turned around and smiled back at Zain who had reached me by now.
"You are done for the day?" he said in a breathless voice as he reached me.
I touched his shoulder to calm him down,"Relax, breathe. Yes, I am done. Are you?"
"Yes, I am done too. Actually I didn't get my car today so was hoping to catch a ride with you," he replied, winking at me.
"Of course, let's go.", I said punching him playfully on his arm.
"Ouch, that hurt," he said in a dramatic voice, pretending to be hurt.
I laughed at his antics and gestured him to get in. As I drove away, the last thing I remembered was Parth's eyes staring furiously at my car and his hands balled up in tight fists.