Matters Of The Heart--A PaNi FF

Chapter 9

Parth

The day could not have been better!

As I drove away from Niti's apartment, with a huge grin plastered on my face, that's the only thought that kept running through my head. My smile grew even wider as I recalled her stunned expression and absolute shock as she saw my car parked right outside her apartment. She had looked so innocent and adorable at that moment, that it took all my restraint to keep my hands where they were. A laugh escaped my mouth as I remembered her sharp comeback in response to my teasing about her height. Although her smiling face was my favorite sight to behold, but her astonished expressions or consequent irritation at my teasing were coming a close second. I realized I enjoyed eliciting reactions out of her immensely. The way her eyebrows would crinkle in confusion or the way she would roll her eyes at me in irritation or get back at me with a sharp comeback with eyes glazing with anger, I enjoyed all of it. My heart beat sped up as I recalled our conversation on the beach which had left me a little stunned. She had spoken aloud my thoughts as easily as if she were reading it directly from my heart. My mind wandered to the various instances when I had unsuccessfully tried explaining to people closest to me, what was it actually, that I desired out of life, what fueled my dreams and passions, why was I so guarded in my interactions with other people, why I found it hard to open up to someone, or the cause of my inherent shyness. But to my surprise, without having a proper conversation with Niti in the two months that we had worked together, she had been able to grasp the core essence, without my having to put it into words. I felt a surge of pleasure at that knowledge and a warm smile spread across my face.

As much as I was struggling with my own emotions and feelings towards her, still not sure what exactly I was hoping to get out of these stolen encounters and kisses, her reactions baffled me more. My smile turned into a frown as I recalled the initial days when she had accepted my ignorant behavior towards her so easily without even batting an eyelid, like it did not matter to her at all. My mind threw various instances at me when over the course of two months she had pretended I didn't exist as religiously as I had avoided her. Had it really not mattered to her at all, when I had not so much as spoken to her, or tried to be friendly? A small voice ridiculed me internally for even thinking like that. How arrogant was I? It was me who had set into motion these turn of events, avoiding her completely to the point of being rude and now I had to deal with it. In the last few encounters that we had had, I hadn't really given her a choice in the matter or a chance to voice her desires. Just because I had finally given in to my suppressed feelings and strong attraction towards her, didn't necessarily mean she was feeling the same for me. An image of Niti's petite body in my arms flashed across my mind, when she had so innocently offered me her plush pink lips once again in the vanity. I had felt her tremble at my touch and her eyes had been a dimmer reflection of the desire that had been raging in my own. Another image of Niti's disappointed face flashed before my eyes, as she had looked at me with annoyance when I had not kissed her as thoroughly before the camera as I had kissed her off it, just a few moments ago. She had clearly wanted more! My heart rejoiced and danced with delight at this realization, that she was not completely oblivious to me, that there was something there. Her words echoed through my head that love and lust kept the same company for her, and I latched on to them like a ray of hope. Although she had not put into words as to why she hadn't stopped me that day, but my hopeful heart was inclined to believe that it was indeed because she felt something for me too.

As I finally turned the car into my driveway and got out, a few other unsettling questions were reverberating at the back of my mind that I did not want to dwell on. If at all, Niti felt the same way about me as I did for her, where did I see this thing going? At this point I was not even sure about the emotions raging inside me, or what did I exactly see happening between us? I crashed on my bed and closed my eyes not wanting to think along those lines. Niti's innocent face captured my vision as she had spoken about love and how the selfless and passionate kind didn't exist anymore. Contrary to her words, her expression had been one of hopefulness and longing, giving her away, that she indeed believed in the eternal concept in all its glory and purity. I did not want to be the one to squash her hopes or destroy her belief in something she held so close to her heart. And it seemed to me that if I allowed my heart to wander on its own, I would inevitably end up doing just that. I knew I was being selfish, wanting to pursue something that I did not know what to do with. Not even sure that it would eventually transpire into anything, not because she would not be worth it, but because I knew that there was a strong probability that it would not be enough, that our destinations in life might not intersect at all. It is said that roads which do not converge at the final destination, should not be taken by two people who aspired to reach at different points. A heavy feeling of guilt lodged deep in my heart. My mind flinched away from this line of thinking and I turned my thoughts towards more pleasant avenues. To soothe my heart, I recalled the moment earlier today when I had kissed her good night, the feel of her skin against mine had been electrifying and I was left with a sense of longing and wanting more. My mind was just going around in circles, not sure what it truly wanted and my heart with all its raging and conflicting emotions was not helping.