Harry wasn't one to broadcast how he feels. I'm not even sure he, himself, understands how to deal with emotions. I thought about whether it could be because he'd experienced something that made him feel he had to block out his feelings as a defence mechanism, or whether it was just his ego telling him that's what he had to do to obtain and keep this image he has going on. Sometimes it was easy to fall into this state where I was worried and wondering what it was he actually felt — not just about me, about everything.
He's getting better at loosening up when it's just the two of us, he hasn't said anything nasty on impulse to me for a while, but still when we're with other people or out in public it feels like he's distant and almost as if he doesn't want anyone to know he's involved with me in whatever way. I tried not to think about it though, understanding that he finds it difficult, and just focused on the way he treats me when we're alone.
When we're alone I see this other side to him. Whereas most people would be afraid to try and get Harry to open up in case he snapped and just accepted that was somewhere you don't go with someone like him, I was intrigued. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he frightens me and I get nervous that he's going to explode at a simple question, but the thought of delving deep within his mind and pulling things out to help me understand him overpowered the fear and made it worthwhile. I like to think that the fact that I can go there with him means something — I guess I like to think that there's something he sees in me that he doesn't see in anyone else. Otherwise why would he trust me the way he does?
From the outside, no one sees the Harry that I see when no one else is around. He can be caring, respectful, he's extremely protective in that he can't bear the idea of me being in danger, he's passionate, funny, intelligent. I know things about him that he hides from other people, things that make you think better of him. I just couldn't help but want to know what he thought about me.
On Thursday afternoon, five days after the get together at his house, I walked home from sixth form at one in the afternoon and found myself laying across the sofa with the TV on. Niall was upstairs with another one of his friends — I knew because I could hear shouting and sound effects from whatever game they were playing — and my mum was at work as usual. I was bored out of my mind, picking at the buttons on the television remote, so I decided to text Harry and see what he was doing.
Me: what you up to? i'm boredddddd
I continued watching replays of CSI whilst I awaited an answer. Constantly clicking the home button to check if I'd missed the reply through two and a half episodes, I was getting tired of waiting. I didn't want to be that annoying, clingy person that sends message after message because they're paranoid and lonely — he could have a perfectly reasonable explanation.
I pressed my thumb against the white button on my phone and unlocked it, tapping on my messages mindlessly and going onto the conversation with Harry. My eyes immediately fell upon the 'Read 14:03pm' sign underneath my message and I felt a twinge of hurt. He'd read me off? I'd sent my message just before two, so he'd opened it almost straight away but not replied.
I shook my head, clearing my mind of negative thoughts. I couldn't get offended over something so minute. There could be a million reasons why he didn't reply; for example he could be in class and didn't have time to reply after he'd opened it, or he could've opened it by accident and not even read it. Getting annoyed over someone not replying to text was completely stupid.
When the finishing credits for the third episode of CSI started rolling, I was irritable and desperate to know why he hadn't answered by now. I didn't care whether he thought I was annoying or not, I was going to text again.
Me: thanks for reading me off:):):):) I take it you're busy
Only minutes later, my phone went off.
Harry: I stayed in art for a bit after the lesson ended, just left. Don't cry about it.
Me: i'm not crying !!! ok well do you wanna come over or something?
Harry: Is Niall home? I don't think he'd appreciate that...
Me: yeah but he's got a friend round and he doesn't run my life so he'll have to deal with it
The little bubble with the three dots indicating that Harry was typing kept appearing and disappearing for about ten minutes after my message had been read, until finally he replied,
Harry: Ok.
I assumed his vague response meant 'ok I'll come over', but I wasn't certain and didn't want to check, so I just went with that. I heaved myself up off the sofa and checked my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Running my fingers through my hair a bit and reapplying some powder to my face, I decided that would do and reassumed position on the sofa in wait.
I watched episodes of CSI, Criminal Minds, The Simpsons and Futurama and Harry still hadn't turned up. I was beginning to think either I was taking things the wrong way or something weird was going on, hopefully the first one though.
Me: what time are you coming ???
Me: are you coming or not
Me: it would be helpful if you could REPLY so I know what you're doing but ok
All of my messages went unread and unanswered. Where the hell was he? I decided if one person wasn't going to respond, I'd try another. Pulling out my phone again, I tapped Mckenzie's contact and pressed call.
"Hello?"
"Hi, what're you doing?" I asked casually, probably sounding as bored as I felt.
"Going out to meet Louis and a few others soon, what about you?"
"Nothing. Have you spoken to Harry? He's acting weird — he said he'd come over like three hours ago but he's still not here and not answering my texts..."
"I think Louis said he was coming with us?" she said as more of a question than a statement.
"What? Really?"
"Yeah, I'm sure he mentioned Harry as being one of the people he was with."
"Why would he agree to seeing me if he's with his friends?"
"Maybe that's why he's being weird," she suggested. "I don't know." I sighed dramatically in response and Mckenzie spoke up again, "Do you wanna come with me and see if he's there?"
"I guess," I shrugged even if she couldn't see me, "I've got nothing better to do."
"Okay," she chuckled, "Meet me in the usual place in twenty minutes?"
"Sure. See you in a bit."
"Bye."
I rushed to get my coat, leaving straight away and power-walking to the place Mckenzie and I meet which is on a road in the middle of our houses so it's an equal distance for both of us to walk when we go out. December was drawing in on us, and from the weather you could definitely tell. It was dark out already and the air was bitterly cold, making me hug my fluffy coat even tighter around myself. Harry would be having kittens if he knew I was walking to meet Mckenzie in the dark, but then again he was acting strangely so he had no right to tell me off right now.
I was the first to arrive at our meeting point, with Mckenzie getting there shortly after. As we walked, I explained the situation of the day further to her and she gave her input, saying that it was indeed fishy but at the same time I shouldn't jump to any conclusions just in case.
We carried on walking for a while before coming to a scabby looking house in what I believed to be a fairly rough part of town. The house itself wasn't too bad, it was the cutter lying around in the front garden and the slightly yellow tinted windows that made it look a bit grim. I recognised both Louis and Harry's cars parked up outside on the curb, and I could hear talking from the back garden.
"Whose house is this?" I questioned cautiously in a whisper as we approached the side gate to let ourselves in.
"Dunno," she replied, "Some kid called Elliot, I think."
"Have you been here before?"
"Once, briefly."
As Mckenzie pushed the gate to the right of the house open, I suddenly realised what it was I was doing. I was turning up uninvited to practically confront Harry in front of his friends, and I felt my stomach twist at the thought now we were here. I certainly did not think this through.
The damp wood creaked shut behind us as we walked up the dark passage to the back garden, the sound of predominantly male voices and deep laughter getting closer, as well as the scent of suspicious smelling smoke. I was incredibly nervous to even be turning up at some stranger's house, and I felt like when we came into sight they'd stare at us like your classmates do when you're late to lesson. I had no idea how Mckenzie wasn't even bothered.
As we emerged into the dimly lit garden, I took in the sight of five or six boys and two girls sitting around a patio table. They looked to be Harry and Louis' age, maybe even older, and I was definitely intimidated. The group of them were smoking and passing around what I gathered were joints, the ends glowing red in the darkness and a cloud of smoke lingering in the air.
I spotted Harry as we approached the group, wearing jeans and a greyish green jumper and slouching back in a chair with a joint between his slender fingers — his arm hanging lazily at his side. I swallowed hard at the mere sight of him, the realisation that he'd rather be here in this dingy garden getting high than spending time with me dawning on me. Was he even bothered that he'd given me the impression he was coming to see me and then left me waiting for so long?
A few heads turned as we reached the table. Mckenzie greeted everyone normally and I followed her as she headed to Louis, standing by his side and bending down to talk lowly to him as he listened with an arm around her legs. Allowing my eyes to search each face slyly, I looked to see if I recognised anyone, but besides Zayn, I didn't. When my gaze fell upon Harry, he was glaring back at me with a look of disbelief but also maybe a hint of anger, his mouth in a hard line and his eyebrows furrowed deeply. After we'd stared at each other across the table for a while, he cocked his head at me, signalling for me to go over.
A chair beside him was vacant so I sat down and he leaned towards me, turning his back to everyone else. The smell of smoke on his clothes and breath almost made my eyes water.
"What are you doing here?" he fretted, drowsy-looking eyes boring into mine with a sense of panic deep within.
"What are you doing here? Last I heard you were coming to mine, yet here you are sitting in some guy's back garden totally stoned as if I don't even exist," I shot back.
"I never said that," he mumbled defensively, not entirely sure of himself.
"Well I don't know what your intentions were because you never answered your phone," I reminded him.
There was a pause. "You can't just invite yourself to someone's house, you should go."
"Alright," I shrugged carelessly, standing up from my seat quickly. "I'll be going. Just so you know, we walked here — Mckenzie and I, I mean."
I could see the fury in his eyes as he grabbed my wrist tightly to stop me from strutting away from him. His fingers curled around my bone so harshly it hurt, but I didn't say anything. He muttered something violently under his breath and I sat back down, looking at him with a cocky and pleased expression since I knew exactly how to manipulate him.
"Don't look at me like that, I'm not fuçking happy," he growled before turning his head away from me and taking a long drag of the joint and finishing it off.
"Oi, Styles, is this the bird you were talking about?" a guy in a cap with a short beard called at Harry, gesturing with his eyes over to me.
"No," Harry replied bluntly, not even looking at me.
What were they talking about? Was he really talking about me and denying it, or has he been talking to his friends about another girl whilst I wasn't there? Maybe that isn't even what he meant at all, maybe he just mentioned a girl at school that'd píssed him off or something.
"Jess!" I heard a familiar voice shout, and I glanced around to find Mckenzie and Louis gawking at me. Mckenzie mouthed 'are you okay?' and I nodded with a displeased look to tell them Harry was being an arse. The identical look of concern on their faces made me uneasy.
When I looked back to him, Harry was eyeing Mckenzie and Louis as well. He suddenly turned to me again, with a much softer expression, and whispered, "Listen, why don't we just go?"
I examined him, trying to work out why he'd had a change of heart, but when I came to no avail I decided to just take him up on the offer and get out of here. "Okay."
"Go and wait out front by the car, I'll just tell the guys I'm going and I'll be out in a sec."
I stood from the chair and started off back down the passage leading to the gate. I made it out and did as Harry said, standing by his car whilst I looked around me. It was pitch black, only a few street lamps illuminated the path yellow. A few moments later Harry came through the gate, and just as we were about to get in the car, Louis burst out of nowhere with Mckenzie trotting along behind him.
"Wait!" he yelled, striding over. Harry gave him a weird look and I observed how nervous Mckenzie looked when she reached us. "Harry, don't be a fuçking arsehole."
"What?" I spoke up, but no one took any notice of me.
"Don't," Harry warned his friend.
I was confused when Mckenzie came up to me and carefully tried to take me away from the boys. "What's going on? What's up with Louis?" I asked, fighting against her trying to pull me away.
"You may be able to scare Jess into doing what you want so you can walk all over her but I'm not letting you do it to me, mate," Louis said, surprisingly calmly. "You know you're acting like a díck. You need to let it go and man up, Jess isn't her."
At that, Harry lunged at his friend and both Mckenzie and I rushed over in an attempt to stop a fight from starting. I shoved Harry's firm chest as hard as I could and Mckenzie backed Louis away.
"What is going on!" I demanded to know loudly, looking between Harry who was heaving behind me and Louis who looked stressed out.
"You're not going with him, Jess. I'll take you home."
"Why not?" I queried.
"No you won't. Mind your own business!" Harry snarled at Louis, trying to push past me to get to him, but luckily I somehow managed to keep him with me.
"Louis, don't..." Mckenzie uttered sombrely.
"No, I will," he insisted almost sarcastically, before turning to address my question. "Because I'm not letting him manipulate you into forgiving him when he's been talking shít about you all night!"
I tensed up, staring at the apologetic blue eyes opposite me. I blinked, looking over at Mckenzie who looked equally as sympathetic. A horrific sinking feeling made itself known in my stomach, and I took a step away from Harry.
"W-What?" I croaked, on the verge of tears before I'd even heard the full story. I couldn't look at Harry, I just couldn't.
"He's been bad mouthing you all night, Jess. I can't just sit back and listen to him talk about you like that and then let you leave with him — he'll convince you to forgive him and I won't let him take advantage of you like that."
-------------------
Please remember to vote and maybe leave a comment or two :)
Remember when I said you may not be on Harry's side for much longer? Yeah... What are your predictions for the next chapter? I love comments (hint hint).
Life updates: Went back to sixth form on Friday and my first lesson was cancelled so I had to sit in the common room from 9-12 waiting for my next lesson when I could've been at home asleep:):):):) I walked in on someone having a wee in McDonald's in the early hours of the morning AGAIN last night omg. This boy got the blame at first, though, and it was hilarious.
Q: derailedthoughts: Is it becoming difficult to keep up with votes and comments etc on your story as you get more reads? Like at what point would you turn off your notifications?
A: No, I don't think so. Mostly because Wattpad is RUBBISH and I rarely get notified through the notifications tab on the app or through email when people comment anymore and I have to actually go on the chapter to see that a lot of the time. But I'm a bit of a loser so I love clicking onto Wattpad and seeing I have notifications, but it's not like I get hundreds haha. I'm not sure that I ever would turn off notifications, even if my story miraculously became huge! Emails, okay, maybe I'd turn those off because I hate emails anyway, but I don't think I'll ever turn notifications on the app off because they don't come through as push notifications on my phone (I'm not sure you can even get them to?), so they're not a bother at all :)
Q: harryhmm: What're your hobbies and interests outside of the fan fiction/1d sphere?
A: I don't really have any hobbies because I'm boring, but idk I guess just the usual like going out with friends, music, I love travelling (especially to London) to meet my friends I made through the internet, going to concerts is a favourite. I used to ride horses but I kind of grew out of it, I'd love to start again but lessons are expensive and I find hacking out in the forest boring.
Highlight with a question for me to answer!
My q for you: What is your favourite song at the moment? Awful question but I can't think or anything else lol. I would say mine is probably Hills by The Weeknd.