Note: inshaAllah this chapter will be awesome...and heartbreaking. I think this is the last mystery of the AbdulQadir family, and I hope you can understand their pain. Vote and comment if you enjoy it! I want to hear your thoughts ❤️ this chapter is dedicated to So_Relatable for always making me so excited about my next piece. Unedited.
"Laila, wake up"
Someone was shaking my shoulders gently. I grumpily shrugged them off. I was so tired, could I not have a few more minutes at least? It felt as though I'd only just closed my eyes.
"Laila come on" the voice belonged to Badr. I snapped an eye open murderously. I was sure it was red and puffy due to the very few hours of sleep I'd obviously received. His expression was one of worry but he laughed at my response.
"What?" I snapped.
"Please get up, you're usually up before this time anyway"
"Yeah that's because I-" I bolted up, my heart beating very fast, "Dammit!"
I shot off the sofa and quickly flew up the stairs, almost slamming into the opposite wall in my semi- unconscious state. Badr followed, right on my heels, and though that was strange of him I couldn't care less- I needed to pray.
I hurriedly made wudhu, threw on an abaya and looked around for my janamaaz (prayer mat), trying not to pay attention to the lightening sky outside.
"Laila wait a minute" Badr said, stepping in my way, "I need you to get ready quick, we're going somewhere"
"We?" I asked, momentarily confused.
"You and me yes"
"Where?" I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. When he didn't grin or smile or wink did I realize there was something wrong with him.
"Badr are you okay?" I asked him quietly. He ran a hand through his hair, looking frustrated with himself.
"Will you come?" He asked through gritted teeth.
"I- sure. Just give me fifteen minutes"
"Okay" he curtly exited the room.
I prayed and got changed into black skinny jeans, a black and white striped top which was long and a thin hooded black coat over that. Debating on a couple of scarves I threw on a nice dull gold. My face looked terrible- I had dark circles under my eyes they were rimmed red. My cheeks looked slightly hollow and my lips a shade darker. On second thought I applied a tiny bit of lipstick to make them normal, even thing I kept overthinking how it looked and ended up licking it off. All in all I felt terrible. Something churned in my stomach that made me feel uneasy and sick, and my head throbbed. I felt weak and fragile and if I trusted myself I could swear my forehead was burning up.
Maybe it was the new meds?
I shrugged it off and head down to meet Badr at the foot of the stairs. He hadn't made much of an effort, just taken a quick shower, pulled on a pair of black pants and a dark red shirt on top. He still looked incredibly handsome, despite the impatient look on his face.
"Sorry" I muttered, hurrying alongside him as we headed to the car. He shook his head.
"Don't be. This is a little out of the blue"
"Do you mind telling me where we're going?" I asked timidly, "is there...are we in danger?"
Badr gazed at me for a few moments, and I wondered how he still drive straight.
"You're not in danger" he said finally.
Seeing as he didn't answer the first part of my question, I assumed he didn't want to tell me.
Wherever we were going was quite far away. He drove for what seemed like a good hour and a half- mostly in silence where I dozed off- and when we stopped the first time I eagerly looked out of the window, wondering what was so special about this place.
"You want to go to Burger King?" I asked after a few moments of me staring at the only open place and him staring at me, "this early?"
"We didn't have breakfast" he shrugged.
Oh yeah I thought, I almost thought you didn't realize the first five times my stomach talked.
We walked into the outlet, probably surprising the semi- asleep workers. The girls seemed to wake up when they saw him. Badr looked around the place with a very judgemental expression. I raised an eyebrow at him.
"What?"
"You don't usually come to Burger King, do you?"
Badr scoffed, "I don't go to cheap places period"
I rolled my eyes, "you'll never know real food unless you taste this stuff"
He wrinkled his nose, "burgers, fries, fried chicken...?" He looked disgusted.
"Aside from burger it's all sooo good!"
"Wow" he mulled this over, then he grinned that really mischievous grin when you knew he was going to drop a virtual bomb, "never knew you were a real pig inside"
My mouth dropped and heat rushed to my face. He laughed at my reaction but I turned away, embarrassed and a little angry.
"Aw Laila I'm sorry" he said, still laughing. I glared at him from under my lashes, and promptly walked up to the counter.
"Two large fries packed please, an apple pie and choco-coffee smoothie and a hash brown"
"Is this for both of you-?"
"Oh no" I replied with sweetness, "this is just for me! My cousin is still deciding"
With that I winked at a shocked Badr and found a table by the window, pretending to be very interested in my phone.
A few moments later he sat opposite me, and I could feel his gaze on my face.
"I ordered a burger" he offered.
"Great" I replied nonchalantly.
"With extra cheese"
"Awesome"
"It's my first time"
"So?" I looked up, "should I give you a certificate?"
He grinned, pleased I'd reacted, "you could always give me a 'I'll do whatever you want' voucher"
I rolled my eyes, "as if"
My order arrived, surprisingly fast, and Badr watched with wide eyes as a whole tray full of fatty foods arrived my way. I only intended to eat the apple pie, the rest was for lunch, but he didn't need to know that.
"How you're so skinny is beyond me" he remarked, watching as I daintily bit into my food. I hated eating in public and if it meant eating the the thing crumb by crumb to ensure minimal embarrassment I would do so. I was so focused on my food I didn't realize how closely Badr was inspecting me. His smile was gone and replaced by a hard set jaw. I stopped eating.
"What?" I asked him in a small voice.
"There's something wrong, isn't it?" He demanded. I shook my head, bewildered, "what??"
Before I could move the back of his fingers was on my forehead, feeling the temperature.
"Can't tell if it's a fever" he muttered more to himself then me. I gently shook him off.
"Relax" I told him, "I feel a little sick but it's more like a cold. I get all tired and stuff if I don't sleep enough"
"We're still going to the doctor's"
"Sure?" I replied incredelously, "there's nothing wrong with me Badr, you're just too paranoid"
He was suddenly so serious, his eyes gazing into mine with a look that I couldn't give a name to. He picked up my fingers off the table in his hand with a questioning look. I didn't pull away, partly because I was so shocked and partly because I wasn't sure if you could break out of Badr's grip.
"I have to be" he said softly, "I promised amu Faris I'd look after you"
Oh.
I said nothing, completely frozen in that haram touch that was sending shocks down my arm.
"It's more than that" he continued, his gaze now fixed on my thin fingers in his hand, "I...I trust you Laila. I don't trust a lot of people, but the ones I do I'll make sure nothing hurts them"
"You can't protect me from sickness" I replied gently, "only Allah can do that"
"Why do you think like that?" He exclaimed, "why do you think God has your back? That He's even there?"
"Because when you have no one, you have Allah. And you'll realize it soon enough" I answered after a moment, "when you read His book you're somehow at peace. When you're in prayer something commands your respect- what is that? Feelings tell you there is an Allah, not hard evidence although there's that too"
"I've been alone forever, never saw a trace of Him"
"What was it every time you should have died and you didn't" I pressed on urgently, "or when you shouldn't have been able to- to accomplish something but you did- that's where you really see you're not the only one in control"
He was looking at me thoughtfully, his brow furrowed in concentration. I gazed back, wiling him with all my might to understand what I was trying to say.
"We should go" he said finally, "but we're not finished here"
"Okay" I offered him a small smile which he returned and we made to leave.
"Um Badr?"
"Yes?"
I gestured to our hands where his was enclosed around my wrist. He rolled his eyes and pulled me along.
"Come on Laila"
I walked after him in flattered outrage. He didn't leave my hand until we were in the car, and he kind of needed to drive.
In the fifteen minutes of silence all I could do was battle with my guilty conscience. I need to tell him this touching stuff was so haram. The worst part was my inability to move away. It felt like his hold on my wrist was protective and strong and yet gentle. It felt like he cared more then he showed...but I did have a tendency to start dreaming off tangent.
The sun was now more then a gigantic semi circle glowing in the horizon, the sky had lightened up, revealing grass and trees that twinkled with beads of water and dew. SubhanAllah I thought. We were well out of the city now, and farmlands divided with stretches of forest. Cattle made their way back from milking, sheep grazed, and at one point I excitedly watched a group of horses canter across their high fenced field. I loved horses, they had so much power and elegance...they were only tamed by people who earned their respect.
It was a while before Badr spoke, almost making me jump.
"We're almost there"
"Where?" I pleaded.
"Evantide" he replied curtly, "it's a centre for the mentally disabled. The finest in the state"
He caught my confused look and his jaw clenched, almost as if saying the next words caused him pain.
"My mom" he managed, "this is where she is"
I felt my heart plummet like stone, shatter as it hit something hard. It felt as if all the beauty I'd just seen was suddenly non-existant, as if the warmth of the sun was gone.
Badr's mom was mentally disabled.
Since...?
Bilal's words came back to me, it drove my mother insane. Literally.
I could suddenly understand his uneasiness. If I could read him right this was the most painful thing that he had to live with- the fact that he was the reason, the direct reason for his mother's state.
It's a centre for the mentally disabled. The finest in the country.
He'd tried to fix it all up an it made me want to cry. Little Badr, trying to solve a mistake he'd never meant to make.
"Stop that" he said suddenly, glancing at me from the corner of his eye.
"S-stop what?"
"Looking at me like you're going to cry. Like you feel sorry for me"
"Feeling sorry is sharing someone else's pain to make it easier on them" I replied softly, "is that such a bad thing?"
He didn't reply for a while, then began to speak, his eyes fixed on the road.
"When I was ten, a couple of guys from Buria broke into our apartment and tried to gang rape my mom" a muscle in his jaw jumped, "I had begun my training for Cedochi, and was doing well. My mom didn't know of our involvement- only of my father's. She told me to run, and run I did...only to steal Bilal's pistol from this loose floorboard which I'd discovered earlier on. I took it, I didn't even know how to fucking use it for goodness sake! But I was brave, and I came back for Ummi. They laughed at me, said things like 'nice toy you have' and all that crap. I showed them then. I just knew what to do, maybe from watching target practice, so I fired at the main guy, and then I fired at the others, until the whole thing was empty. All of them died" his voice was a whisper now, his eyes glazed. I said nothing, transfixed.
"When there was silence I ran over to her but she didn't let me near her. I was no longer her little Badr but a monster. That night my mom screamed into her pillow again and again, and when there was silence I tried approaching her only to find she was gone. Yassin and Bilal looked everywhere. They didn't blame me, I think Bilal took it on himself. We didn't find her, not for four years after that. She vanished"
"In that time Derek, this top notch Cedochi started taking me in field. I learnt most of what I know from him. He saw potential in me, so I was his first and last pupil. He knew of our situation, and he sent his men to look for my mother. They found her admitted in a low finance hospital. She'd lost parts of her memory and was partly insane. Derek told me first and I told him not to tell Bilal or Yassin. I didn't want them to see what had happened to our mom because of me. They knew she was scared out of her mind but mad? Not really. In that time I arranged for her to be taken to Evantide, people said patients got better there even. I told Derek to take a cut of whatever I earned to pay for her stay here. I don't come here very often...Bilal and Yassin know I know where she is but they've given up trying to make me spill" he laughed a hollow laugh, "I'm such a monster Laila. I never want them to see what I'm responsible for but they'll never forget. And now Baba's here..."
I felt tears spill over and wiped them hastily away.
"It's not your fault Badr" I told him, trying not to cry, "you were just a kid-"
"But in the end it was still me. All me" his voice broke and I realized he was crying. Angrily, trying not to, but crying all the same. I thought desperately of what I could say to comfort him.
"L-listen Badr" I tried, "what else could you have done? You were ten, they were much older and stronger- they would have traumatized her even worse if you hadn't stepped in. You were brave and strong! It's not something you could change-"
"But I don't get her back!" He shouted, slamming his feet on the breaks so that I was almost flung against the windscreen.
"Badr-?!"
"I'm sorry" he closed his eyes and inhaled, fatigue and pain etched all over his face, "we're here"
I blinked and looked outside. Sure enough, nestled in gardens and trees was a beautiful pale gold and cream building, spreading in all directions. On an archway were the words in sea blue Evantide.
I stepped out of the car, drawn by the simple pleasurable atmosphere of the place. It looked like a piece of heaven, a concealer of all the sadness that onlookers felt.
"Come on" Badr muttered, storming up to the entrance. I followed him, slightly enchanted by all the beauty around me. I could tell this place must he so expensive, everything about it screamed money.
We walked into the foyer where beaming nurses and caretakers bustled around with their charges, their tones sweet and caring. One patient was extremely old with wisps of candy floss hair. He stared at his feet the whole time the nurse chatted away to him, occasionally muttering something. I offered him a smile he didn't see and caught Badr staring at me. He looked away, slightly embarrassed but I shrugged it off.
"Good morning! How may I help you two?" A good natured middle-aged woman at the desk asked.
"We're here to see Hikmah Saleh" Badr replied in a tight voice.
"And you are?"
"Her relatives" I answered. The woman raised an eyebrow incredelously.
"Relatives?"
"Y-yes?"
"No one has been to see Ms Saleh in years- it is amusing to see you've kindly remembered her"
"Please pay attention to your job" Badr replied coolly, "your comments are highly unprofessional. Where can I find her?"
"Bronze Wing, section four" she replied tersely.
"Thank you!" I offered apologetically.
We were led to the place she talked about, and I watched patients go about doing whatever they did, feeling happy and sad at the same time. There was no better place for them than here I'd decided, everything was perfect...and yet there was something incredibly sad too.
"Section four, sir" a young male nurse told Badr, "Ms Saleh should be here somewhere. I'd try her room first"
"Thank you"
Badr seemed to visibly prepare himself as he scanned the place with his gaze. I followed it, wondering who here could be Hikmah Saleh. We began to wander around section four wordlessly, not speaking to anyone or each other. I began to think he was angry at me, but soon after he slid his hand into mine and held it tight. I cringed at his gesture but it also reminded me just how hard this was for him. If he'd put his trust in me, dared reveal what hurt him the most to me, I had to show it was worth it. I squeezed his hand back reassuringly and tugged him to the only door that was shut. A handsome wooden plaque read Hikmah Saleh. And under it "Verily after every hardship comes ease"
My heart leapt with excitement at that, while Badr's expression softened, as though the words touched him too.
"It's okay" I whispered to him, "do you want me to go in first?"
He gazed at me for a few moments before nodding, an urgency in those black-gold eyes.
I knocked on the door.
It swung open after a few moments and a young girl with dark brown hair and enormous eyes stood before me. I blinked. Hikmah?!
"Hi there!" She said all bubbly and excited, "I'm Charlotte, Ms Saleh's nurse! Are you here to see her?"
"Y-yes"
She clapped her hands in delight.
"Ms Saleh! Look you have a visitor!" She winked at me and then grinned hugely at Badr before excusing herself with "I'll give you two some privacy!"
I stepped inside the room.
It was spacious and pleasant, with a pretty rug and queen sized bed alongside a floor length window. There was an armchair too, and on it sat Ms Saleh herself, gazing outside.
I let go of Badr and approached her slowly, transfixed by her.
She was beautiful despite her age, with beautiful black hair that had streaks of silver grey, pale skin and large doe like eyes with full lips. She was so beautiful mashaAllah, I couldn't imagine how she must have looked in youth. She turned her head when she heard me approach and her face broke out in a smile.
"Habibti!" She exclaimed, standing up. I was devoid of words as she pulled me into a hug. I hesitantly raised my hands around her too, wondering why the sight of me made her so happy.
"This makes me happy" her voice had a slight arab accent as she tugged at my hijab. I smiled back despite myself.
"I lost mine" she continued, looking around, "many years ago. Have you seen it?"
"I think I did" I replied softly, reaching into my handbag. I always kept a spare scarf in case it rained. I pulled it out and offered it to her. She took it, running her hands over it, her fingers trembling slightly.
"Wallah you give me what I want for so long"
"Here" I draped it around her head, and turned her to the mirror, "how beautiful is that? mashaAllah"
"N-no" she backed away from the mirror suddenly, making me jump, "don't w-want this"
Ms Saleh thrust my hijab back to me, now no longer meeting my gaze.
"Why?" I asked, my heart plummeting. She shook her gorgeous head uneasily, eyes wide as if she could see something I couldn't.
"Reminds me...of what I don't want to remember..."
Oh.
"What's that?" I asked gently, although I knew I was pushing it. She looked back at me helplessly.
"I don't know"