Skrillex - Ease My Mind
Play that song again
Cause we were in love
Before, before the rain began
And if I cry I cover my ears
xxxx
Do you know when you cross your legs one over the other and after a while when you try to get up your feet is numb because just a bit of blood was running through?
It felt like this.
I watched Luke walk past me and towards her.
I watched the arms that I loved so much hold her like they held me.
I watched his lips crack the smile I loved to her.
I watched his nose nuzzling her neck like he did with me.
I felt numb so numb I couldn't even feel the pain. I just turned my heels and walked away. I went straight to Liz's office and told her my head was killing me so I wanted to go home, Calum was in there too talking about something about switching classes because AP chemistry is too advanced to him, so he offered to drive me home because I clearly wasn't okay.
"She came back" my voice cracked in several tones
"Who?" He asked turning left and into my street
"Ashley" I closed my eyes, feeling the dormancy take over my body
Calum didn't say a word he just held my hand with a squeeze.
"You liked him, didn't you?" he gets to this conclusion after he parked in front of my house and I couldn't move
"It doesn't matter" I sigh, thanking him for the ride and storm into my home
Gammy says something but I can't hear because it doesn't matter, I lost him. I walk into my bathroom and my body collapses onto the floor, my legs can't carry the weight anymore because the strength I had is long gone. I cry like I haven't cried my whole life. Tears burn my face making me cry even more.
I know it's not his fault. I know if I was in his shoes I would have done exactly the same. He couldn't know what I felt for him. I'm not crying because I hate him for choosing her instead of me, I'm crying because I'm so stupid. I fell for the one I couldn't fall for, I believed that I'd be okay if he didn't love me back, I led my idiotic brain to believe I'd be okay because no one breaks my heart, because I don't feel things.
I'm crying because I do.
I feel my phone buzzing on my back pocket, I fish it out and read his name
Luke <3 <3 at 11:42am
Where are you? I can't find you, didn't you want to talk to me? Are you okay?
I sigh and type fast
Me at 11:43am
I'm fine. You don't have to pretend you care anymore.
I lock my phone and throw it across the bathroom. I make my body crawl into the bathtub and take my pants off, without even thinking too much I get the razors and dig them hard over the nearly healed scars. Each cut makes my body cry in pain but I don't care. I repeat the process on the other thigh, keeping the motion of cutting my skin with stripes until the pain in my heart is numb by the blood dropping on my pale skin.
I rather feel the physical pain than the emotional one, it hurts so much being even more painful than my broken heart. I open my eyes staring the blood around me staining the white bathtub. I glance to the razor on my open palm then stare my hurt thighs then back to the blade, knowing that just like Luke it won't love me back.
The razor falls from my hand because of the sobs, I stare the bloody mess I made. And in this moment I don't feel empty anymore.
Now I understand it. Now I know what that void in me was: sadness.
Since I met Luke he brought a spark into my life, he removed the darkness and sadness from within me with his charm and care. Now that I lost him to Ashley, my old friend called sadness is back in its home: my heart.
I can feel it kicking in. The dormancy taking over control making my mind shut down every thing I could care about. Now I feel like me again, it's fucked up to realize that being sad and in pain makes me feel like me. Makes me whole.
It still hurts but I've been in pain every since I can remember so it feels like home. My heart is still broken but I'll survive, it has been like this since I figured out that love is torture. The pain is here haunting and taunting me making me go back to what I was before someone woke my heart up but I don't mind because it reminds me that I should take my distance.
And that's what I'll do. I'll wake up every morning with a broken heart and will bare the day with a fake smile, letting people think they know me but in reality they never will. I will keep broken inside because there's no point to fix what is doomed to be broken, and I will go back to being shallow.
My eyes are shut down collecting my memories with Luke and storing them in the back of my mind. I remember everything, but I won't allow myself to feel it anymore.
...
I stayed in bed for several hours, Gammy came to check on me and I said it's bad cramps. It's almost one am and I can't sleep, I couldn't eat or function. I leave the bed and go dress myself up, I need to shake it off. I pick a little black dress with a open back and make my make up dark on the eyes but light on the rest, skipping the lipstick. I call a cab and prepare my clutch and heels to leave. It's Wednesday night and I want to dance and get wasted.
I google about a night club and tell the taxi driver the address, after twenty minutes I'm inside and heading to the dance floor. The sparking lights blind me because of the contrast of too much light to a second of darkness. I see glowing sticks and glowing body paint going around along with LED glasses and shirts. My body moves along with the electronic beat and within a minute I'm dancing like I have nothing to worry about.
Like my heart isn't broken or my mind isn't troubled. Like I don't care about being sad and it makes me feel good. I dance like I was alive just for once. People around me are dancing as well, boys gather around to move their bodies along with mine. I smile and jump in excitement. It doesn't matter how fucked up is my life during day, at night I can rest with the beat. The blinding lights soothes me, keeping me away from seeing reality, the loud music makes me go deaf and prevent myself from hearing lies and empty promises or even listen to my own voice making me believe my own lies.
My favorite song was playing so I closed my eyes and moved along with the beat.
Tonight, I want to forget
I want lights to blind me
I want beat, want to disappear
When the song ended and another beat came along I dragged my body to the bar, I spot a familiar face behind the counter but I couldn't see exactly because I was too far, but when I reached the stool and sat down I saw Ashton's face.
"Liza?" he frowns his brows
"Hey dude" I smiled
"I didn't know the gang was here, it's school night for you guys and stuff" He says with a smile, looking around trying to spot our friends
"They're not here" I shake my head
"Are you alone?" he frowns his brows clearly concerned with me
"I'm a big girl, you know" I smile, leaning over the counter "I'm fine, really" I nod
"Alright, what's your poison for tonight?" he swipes his white towel over the counter
"Anything with absinthe" I smirk, flipping my hair and batting my lashes
After a minute he pours a blue drink in a cup and sits it in front of me
"Enjoy, anything you need I'm here" he gives me a warm smile and move on to serve other people
I sip it and it's very strong, good I don't want to remember.
Luke's POV
"You still eat this?" Ashley giggles after I ordered my sandwich
"It's the best and you know it" I smile and grab her hand from the other side of the table
"I love this place, it's my favorite" she looks around with a big smile printed on her face. Her long blonde hair spread over her shoulders and messy on the front is my favorite thing about her
"Me too, I come here every week" I look down, I missed her.
She was about to say something but gets interrupted by my ringing phone, I fish it out of my pocket and see Ashton's ID on the scree. I frown my brows and get up telling Ashley I'll be back in a bit.
"Hey mate" I say quickly "What's up?"
"So guess who's here drinking her weight in absinthe?" I can hear him screaming because of the loud noises in the club, he has been bartending there since he graduated from high school.
"Liza?" her name is the only thing pounding inside my head
"Damn right" he yells "She's on her fourth drink and I pretty much gave her lemonade because I'm sure she'll past out. Something's wrong mate"
"What?" I ask with frown in my face, she worries me. I think she cut herself again
"She seems fine and all put together but I know she isn't. I see it everyday in the club, people drag themselves here to heal their wounds thinking the loud music and blinding lights will fix it but after a couple of beers its all tears and angry faces" he pauses "But she's okay, she doesn't look wounded at all"
"Then what's the problem?"
"She should be sad and depressed but she's shutting it all down, you know what it does to you" he warns "I just wondered that you'd like to know because I know you care for her" he shouts
"Okay, thanks mate. I'll drop Ashley off and head to see Liza" I hang up and walk back inside
"Is everything okay?" she looks worried
"Yeah, Ashton needs my help with something" I sit down again
"Then you have to go" she presses her lips into a thin line "It's okay, I'll call Kira" she nods with a warm smile "Your mate needs you, just go!" she smiles and peck my lips "Call me when you get home, love you"
"Love you too" I mutter pressing my lips against hers again.
I drive to the club and get inside. I spot easily Liza because there're several boys around her like the usual, she's wearing a little black dress and high heels. Her hair is a mess but she looks so hot, so alive. Ashley would never wear a dress short like this, or paint her eyes black like Liza's. Ashley is more flowered dresses and pink lipstick.
I make my way to the bar and exchange looks with Ashton
"See what I mean" he points to her. She's dancing along the beat looking happy but when she opened her eyes I can see she's empty.
"I'll go talk to her" I stand up and make my way over there. I sop before her and she opens her eyes
"Hey dude" she smiles like we're long time friends
"Are you alright?" I ask, hovering over her so she could hear me
"I'm amazing!" She keeps moving her hips
"Can we talk a bit?" I don't wait for an answer and grab her by her thin waist all the way to the back of the club leaving from the back door and into the streets.
"What's up?" she asks, adjusting her dress
"Are you really okay? I looked for you this morning but you were gone" I tug my hands down my pocket, she looks so different. I look at her and the image she gives me its that I can read her through her eyes and smile but I will never know if it's the real her.
"Why wouldn't I be?" She asks, flipping her messy shoulder length brown hair
"I don't know, Ashley was at the school today and then I couldn't find you anymore. And that text you sent me"
"Yeah, about that I'm sorry. I was moody because of my PMS, sorry dude" she gives me a half smile and rests her hands on her hips
"But are you fine? Because we had something and now you look" I stop to stare her, she's a blank page. "Different"
"I'm really fine, we had nothing" she assures me, she sounds so serious
"Are you sure because I-"
"Luke, listen to me we had absolutely nothing" she leans to focus on my eyes "You get to that conclusion because of what? The glow in my bright blue eyes?" she laughs with a mock "Oh please, my eyes glow when the pizza guy rings the doorbell, it doesn't mean I love him" her eyes are piercing mine, making me shiver "It just means I'm hungry"
"But you disappeared" I mutter, feeling hurt because of her answer. "I just wanted to tell you that Ashley was here and its complicated-" she cuts me
"Dude, chill out" she giggles "You don't have to apologize or explain yourself. If the one that got away had come back for me I'd do the same" she shrug her shoulders "If the men I love was standing right in front of me I would hold on to him forever" her mouth says one thing but I know she means another "So just stop waisting both of our time and go back to Ashley, you guys love each other and have to be together" she lick her lips and leaves me alone in the dark alley.
How can I trust my love promises to Ashley when one single word from Liza makes me change my mind? I say I love Ashley but I couldn't tell her I was coming to see Liza, I say I love her but when I close my eyes all I see is the pair of sad blue eyes staring back at mine, challenging me.
I watch Liza go back inside like nothing could ever hurt her but I can feel her pain, I just don't know what to do.