- major trigger warning -
"Is Luke coming today?" Zoe asks jumping on my lap
"Do you want him to come?" I ask tickling her sides
"Yes! He promised he could give me a piggy back ride!" She smiles, giggling.
"Alright, let's call him then" I fish my phone out of my pocket and she takes it from my hand
"I want to call him!" she unlocks my phone and taps the green app with a phone then tapping the last call I made "Lanky Jerk?" she twitches her face
"Its a sweet way to call him" I laugh
"Let's change to Luke <3 <3" she types changing the contact name. she press to call him and puts on the speaker
After a couple of rings he answers
"Hi babe" he says with a hoarse voice, I think he was asleep
"Ewww, it's Zoe" she yells, Luke laughs from the other end of the line
"Then Hi princess, how are you doing Zozo?"
her face turns red, she has a major crush on him
"Liza wants you to come over because she misses you" Zoe says with a big smile
"Liar!" I shout and tickle Zoe's belly
"Is that so?" Luke says in a playful tone "I'll shower and be there in 15 then" his voice is sweet
"Okay, she's very happy" Zoe says and I roll my eyes
"Little snake" I pinch her cheeks
"See you two in a bit, bye love bye Zozo" we say goodbye and he hangs up
"You little monster" I tickle her ribcage until she slides her body onto the floor begging for mercy
We hear the door beings slammed and Mom and Dad walk in arguing. I take Zoe in my arms and press my hands over her ears
"You always do this, Charlotte!" Dad yells, without noticing that Zoe and I are in the living room, there's just a wall separating them from seeing us
"It's not my fault David!" Mom shouts back
"Of fucking course it is! You moved all of us here and now you'll have to spend three months in Seattle?!" Dad's voice is so angry, normally he's so calm.
"I told you, my boss wants me to train the team back there!" she drops her things onto the floor, I take Zoe without making a sound and tell her to go play at dad's studio at the back. She just runs there and I walk back in the living room, sitting on the couch hiding my body from being seen "Three months will fly by then I'll be back here"
"Charlie we moved here because of you, you can't just go back to Seattle and leave us here. No one likes living here!" I can't see his face but I bet he's red
"David there's nothing I can do, I have to get my things ready my flight leaves in two hours"
"You know what, I'm done Charlotte" his voice is serious, oh Lord please don't say you're leaving too "I'm done being the only one that tries making this family work"
"David..." Mom begs, probably feeling what will follow
"No, Charlie" Dad shushes mom "I've never been more alone in my life, you're never here. It feels like I'm the only one in this marriage. And I'm very done with that. I just can't, I deserve to be happy too"
I hold my knees and close my eyes, praying to whatever source of divine power to help us.
"I have the divorce papers in my drawer for quite a while, I'm signing them tonight" he sounds so sure, how can he bail on us?
"And what about the girls?" Mom asks, wow now you remember we exist
"Gray can take care of them, she has been doing a wonderful job anyways" he sighs loud "I'm packing my things, I can't stand this house"
By now tears are flooding my face. I hear steps climbing the stairs shortly after that I hear mom's heels entering the living room. I crawl to behind the other couch so she can't see me.
"Great, now I'll lose Elizabeth for good" she's thinking out loud. I hear her phone ring and she walks away heading upstairs
I storm out of the house and head to the back to get Zoe. She's messing around with Dad's drums
"Whats wrong, Eli?" she asks, heading my way
"Come here, love" I hold her tightly "Let's find Gammy" I take her hand and we walk around the garage into the yard, Gammy is sitting down on the tea table reading
"Gammy can you watch Zoe for one moment? I have to see Luke" my voice is shaky, Gammy notices something's wrong
"Of course, let's have a tea party Zozo Bear" she places Zoe on her lap
"But I want to see Luke too!" Zoe pouts
"You will, I just have to talk to him in private first" I hear Luke parking his truck "I'll be right back with him" I kiss her cheek and run to the front
Luke was about to ring the bell when I shout his name. He looks at me, observing my wreck situation
"What's wrong?" He says and all I can do is run towards him and bury my face in the crook of his neck
He doesn't ask a thing, just rub my back making me feel comfortable. I sigh, controlling my tears and pulling back
"Let's go to the back, Zoe is dying to see you" I wipe some tears and fake a smile, he holds my hand with a frown on his face
"Are you alright?" he asks even knowing that the real answer is no
"Yeah, I'm fine" I shrug my shoulders
When Zoe spots Luke she runs towards him like the ground is on fire, he picks her up spinning her around. I sit next to Gammy
"Mom is leaving for Seattle and Daddy is signing the divorces papers" I whisper, not feeling like delivering the news sweetly because there's no point
"Wait, what?" she turns her book down and faces me, I bite my lower lip
"The office wants mom to train the new team in Seattle, Dad had enough and said he feels alone so he's divorcing her and leaving us" I focus my eyes on Zoe, she's in Luke's back pretending they're riding through the wild west.
"They can't leave" She says sighing
"They are" I look at her eyes "It has always been you, Zoe and I. Now they're gone for real"
"But your mom is coming back, right?" her voice is shaky
"She left us a long time ago, since when she accepted the offer right after Zoe was born. She was never home back then even" I focus on the details on the table, there're flowers and leaves carved onto the wood piece
"I'm sure we'll work things out" she pats my shoulder
"I'm worried about Zoe. She thinks dad is superman and mom is wonder woman" I glance to see her smiling, playing with Luke "I can't break her like that" I look back to Gammy with tears in my eyes "I can't turn her into me, she can't hate them too" my voice cracks
Gammy holds my hand and kisses my wrists "She will be just fine, we all are" she smiles, warmly
Dad said he had to take a trip and Mom had already left for the airport. Dad kissed Zoe and Gammy but I kept still beside Luke and Dad got the message that I knew about the divorce and wouldn't talk to him. He just nods and leaves.
Zoe and Luke are helping Gammy bake a cake in the kitchen and I go upstairs feeling like crying. I just need a moment to take it all in. Since I was 10 I had to be the strong one, the one who keeps the family together, even back then it was hard enough because mom and dad were never paying attention. Then Zoe came along and I thought it would fix our family but as soon as mom was released to work she almost never set foot in the house, beside dinner and occasional breakfast.
[TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM]
I enter the bathroom and take my shirt and jeans off, jumping into the empty bathtub in my underwear. I turn the shower on feeling drops of cold water hit my warm skin. I cry hard, just thinking how Zoe will be hurt when they tell her about the divorce and that Dad isn't coming home anymore. I know that the right thing to do is rip the band aid now and tell her but I can't do this to her. Like I told Gammy, she can't hate our parents like I do. The last thing I want is to Zoe turn up like me, skeptical, cynical and dead inside.
The pain in my chest is so big that my mind list what can I do to ease it. Feeling physical pain would hurt less so I lean to the drawer and take a set of razors. I hold the sharp metal in my hands and run it over my thigh, side to side, creating beautiful red stripes. The blade stings against my pale skin making me forget about the shit hole my family is in.
Soon enough the water around me is pinkish and both of my thighs have four bloody stripes. I close my eyes and my head against the wall feeling like shit. The physical pain soon is numb bringing my heart to ache one more time.
The bathroom door is open, I forgot to lock it, Luke stares me holding a razor.
"Babe" he sighs and walks towards me "What's up with you? Just talk to me, I'm here for you"
"Just go, Luke" I drop the razor and he tops before reaching for me "Just get out! You don't fucking care! Just leave!" I snap, throwing the bottles of shampoo on his direction.
[END OF TRIGGER WARNING]
he frowns his brows like he's hurt because of what I just said. He walks slowly out of the door, closing it behind him.
I curse and hit my head against the wall wishing I was dead. After a few minutes I turn the shower off and wrap my body on a towel. I take a deep breath before I open the door. When I walk back in my room I find Luke sitting on the edge of my bed holding his hands together.
"I thought I said you to leave" I say under my breath, holding the towel against my body
"I said I'm here for you" he lifts his head up and I bite my lower lip "I don't know what's going on with you and it's okay if you're not ready to tell me but I'm not leaving" he stands up and walks towards me, I take a step back making my body hit the door. "I'm not gonna let you get hurt" he touches my face with all the care in the world in his fingertips
"I'm already hurt" I say, looking down
"Then let me take care of you" he smiles, kissing my forehead "I'm here for you Liza, no matter what" he takes me into his arms and I feel like I can finally breathe, like I don't have to be strong when I'm in his embrace because he will be strong for me
I'm falling for him, I really am.
This feels so real but I know it's an illusion. I'll allow myself to be broken, I'll take the pain because even if this is just a lie it's sweeter than live in reality.
But I can't deny that half of me wants it to be true for him too. Half of me believes something changed in the middle of the bet, that he's falling genuinely for me too.
I rather him telling me sweet lies then sour truths.