WARNING: This gets very sad.
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I can't believe I had just done it. I had just given birth to my daughter.
This feeling was sureal. It was like I'd waited my whole life for this moment, and, before, I'd never thought I'd want children. Now I felt like I wanted more. Of course, I'd have to wait because I was only a teenager and couldn't possibly raise two children at once. But that was fine. Zayn and I could wait.
Ah, Zayn and I. We were new parents. We-or still prohaps Harry and I- had just brought joy into the world through a child. Zayn'd always talked about settling down before this mess had ever started. When we first started dating, he used to tell me how one day he'd make me his princess and buy a huge mansion for us to raise our future children. At the time I think we both figured this day would come much later in life, but things don't always work out the way you want them. Sometimes bad things happen when you least expect them and end up turning into the greatest moment in your life.
I couldn't tell you how thrilled I had been when they wheeled me back to my room. I was still a little sore after being stitched up, but I had expected that as soon as I had awoken after the C-Section. I had drifted off after being given too much of the medicine, so I didn't remember a thing. They had already taken the baby out by that time and said I could see her later.
I was wheeled through the door by the pretty nurse named Karla and the other two, Mae and Jared. I had a smiling look on my face. I was told Zayn would be waiting in the room for me when I got back, but, as the nurses set my bed into place, I did not expect to see someone else there too. Three someone elses.
"Liam! Danielle! Eleanor!" I could hardly believe they had shown up. I hadn't seen them in months. Not since that incident at the hotel, I believe. I still couldn't think straight from the medicene.
Everyone excluding Zayn looked at me solemnly. Zayn had his face in his hands, obviously upset over something. Danielle and Eleanor were both rubbing his shoulders out of a seeming comfort. Were those tears rolling down his cheek? I couldn't see him very well, but it sure looked to be so.
It wasn't just Zayn. As I looked at each person in the room, I saw red, puffy eyes and wet faces. They were all crying. Liam slowly came and sat in the chair next to my bed. I paid little attention to this action because I was busy trying to get a glimpse of Zayn.
"Why are you all here?" I asked puzzled. "What's wrong? Is everything alright?"
Liam placed his hand on mine and squeezed. He stayed gazing into my eyes, not in a romantic way but more sympathetic. He always was the sympathetic one.
"Kate, something horrible has happened," he said. He took a deep sigh and looked away at the wall. I could tell he didn't want to say what he was about to say next, but he knew he had to. "Kate, the baby-"
"Guys were back with some food from the vending machine," came a voice bursting in. This cut off Liam's words and left me hanging for the next part. It was Niall followed by Louis. They were carrying two armfuls of junk food. Niall began passing cookies and M&M's and other treats out to everyone in the room. He even tried to give Zayn one, but Zayn didn't even look up at him. Danielle had to shoo him away.
I looked over at Louis. We made eye contact, mine questioning the situation and his looking sadly at me. He quickly pulled away and looked at the tray where he set his handful then took a spot next to Eleanor. I was so confused.
Everyone was here - except Harry, and everyone was sad, even Niall now that he looked at me. He got very quiet after that. All the attention was either on comforting Zayn or Liam's unfinished sentence. Liam stared at my hand.
"Liam, what is going on?" I said as sternly as I could.
"Kate." He took a deep breath. "Kate, the baby didn't make it."
My heart dropped. My baby didn't make it? How was this possible? The doctors had told me when I was in the surgery room that I would be able to see her when I got back into this room. I said all of this to Liam who just sighed again.
"The baby was fine at first. Then they took her in to do some tests - you know, premature baby tests- and it turns out her little heart gave out on the table." He said all of this slowly, pernouncing every syllable carefully. This didn't help. I still couldn't wrap my mind around this thought that the child I had just given birth to was gone.
I looked up and scanned the faces in the room. Everyone's faces were damp with tears. The sight of this made mine swell up with salty water. The facts hadn't hit me, but I couldn't stand to see everyone in this room cry.
Just then, Dr. Ron came into the room with Karla and Mae trailing closely behind. He and both the nurses had that look of sorrow that was already surrounding me. I guess even the people who deliver the baby and have no connection to the parents even feel sad at situations like this. It was just an innocent baby after all. My innocent baby.
The doctor spoke softly. "I would like to ask everyone to leave the room at this time. We need to examine Kate."
Everyone did as they were told, even Zayn, who seemed paralyzed. I turned to the doctor and his nurses, who were staring at the floor, and let all my tears fall out. I guess seeing the people who had taken the child out of me and brought it into the world upsetted me more than my friends.
That's when it suddenly all hit me. Zayn and I's plan to have a family and live in the big mansion were ruined. My child was gone, and there was no bringing her back. I would never have the oppurtunity to kiss her hands or see her smile back at me. There would be no first Christmas or first birthday or visits to grandma's and grandpa's house. No late night feeding or up-all-nights ahead for me. Just silence. The confinment of silence in an empty nest.
I couldn't take it.
"Mrs. Malik," Dr. Ron began. "I'm very sorry about you child. We did everything we could to-"
"I want to see her," came blurting out of my mouth. I don't know where in my sorrow I got the nerve to say this, but I did. And I meant it.
He looked taken aback. "Kate, I don't think that's a very good idea."
"I want to see her."
He exchanged looks with the nurses. Mae shook her head know, obviously thinking it was a bad idea. But Karla didn't. Karla thought it was a good idea and advocated for me. She ended up convincing Dr. Ron to let me see my daughter. He told me she was in a special room and that I could be wheeled in a wheelchair to see her.
Mae was obviously not happy about this and had no problem voicing her opinion. She huffed herself out of the room when Dr. Ron stuck to his plan. Karla, however, was very supportive and helped me into the wheelchair along with Dr. Ron.
As we were headed for the room, Dr. Ron was called to another patient. Apparently someone was giving birth the old-fashioned way and needed it now. He was hesitant, but Karla assured him she'd take care of everything. He sighed and let her have her way. Karla is a very assurtive woman.
We pulled up to the room. It had no label, but I knew a few things I'd like to attach to it. She opened the door and wheeled me in. It was dimly lit, not helping the emotional pain, and very big. There were boxes stacked on individual shelves and alphebetized. This seemed like a nightmare. All these boxes were filled with babies, I realized. Babies who didn't make it. This made me cry even harder.
Karla bent over me and took my hand inbetween both of hers. "Hey, it's going to be alright."
"How can you say that? I just lost my daughter," I cried, pulling my hand away. It was no use; she just grabbed it again like she'd been the one to drop it on accident.
"Kate, it will. In time. I know how you feel." I looked up at her. She knew? This beautiful nurse who had been so kind in my time of need knew?
"What?"
She shook her head sadly with a faint smile. "I lost my son a few years back."'
"What?" I was not good with words.
"Yeah, I was seventeen and very crazy running wild. I had all these boys after me. They were the beautiful dangerous ones. The ones your parents would hate if you brought home and swear they'd send you to a private, all-girls school." She laughed.
"Did they?" I asked.
"Oh yeah. They did. I brought one home just to tease them, and they changed my school the next week. And I swore I'd make them pay. So I became worse than I was. I hung out with the bad crowd. I tried every drug I was offered and drank every glass of liquor in front of me. All the boys loved me. I know it sounds conceited, but it's true. They wanted me, and all I wanted was this one guy.
"He was beautiful. He was like a dark night in a leather jacket and a motorcycle, very cliche. But we got together, and I loved him. I mean, I really loved him. More than anything. You've got to realize: I was a hopeless romantic and truly innocent, no matter how much I tried to get past my good-girl status by being daring. None of it worked, because at the end of the day, I was still hopelessly in love with this boy, and he told me he loved me too."
She took a long pause her and stared off. I wanted to know the rest, so I asked, "So what happened?"
"I slept with him. A month later I learned I was pregnant."
"What about him, the guy?"
She laughed again. "He was thrilled. You see, he'd never had a real family, so this was his chance. But when my parents found out, they insisted on sending me a way to live with my aunt in Ireland. I was forced to go, and he came to rescue me." She got quiet again and a very distant look on her face.
"He came after me and ended up getting shot by my crazy uncle who was told to do so by my aunt. I was never the same. I was two months premature with my son, but he lived. I was on my own after running away from my aunt's house, and I couldn't take care of him. I had to give him up, and it was the worst thing I've ever had to do. But it was for the best, I know it was. I swore I'd help every pregnant woman in any way that I could. I got this degree as a nurse and decided to make the world better through children."
"Wow," was all I could say.
"I know it isn't like you, but I still haven't been able to see my son in ten years. But I know he's in some place better, just like your daughter is." Hearing her say this really helped me, but I still needed closure. I had to see my daughter. I told Karla this, and she nodded her head. She found the box marked "Malik" and brought it over to the table. She came back to me and wheeled me over.
When the box lifted, I knew at once who's child it was. The curly locks of a child four months premature amazed me. She was definitely Harry's daughter. I couldn't believe it. I had spent months convincing myself that it was Zayn's child, and now I find out it wasn't his baby at all but his best friend I had slept with months ago.
I stared at her for a long time, contemplating what I should do next. I knew I had to tell Zayn and Harry the truth. They needed to know. At least Harry. I don't think I had the heart to tell Zayn after all he's done for me. I just couldn't break his heart. But I knew this would break Harry's, so maybe I shouldn't. Oh boy, I didn't know!
Karla wheeled me out of the room and locked it behind her. It felt more than just locking a door. It felt like locking away a part of me I could never get back. It was bittersweet in a way. I knew my daughter was in a better place, but I wanted to love her the way any mother would feel.
Karla had to take me a different route because there was a mess the way we had came. We wheeled right past the infant room where all the newborns were kept. I told her to stop and leave me there. I wanted to look at these children. She left me alone and said call when I was ready.
I looked through the window at the future. These children would be back here some day looking through the glass at their own children, or they'd be like me, a girl who just lost hers and wants to see innocence first-hand. I couldn't help but feel sad staring at all these babies. Mine should've been in there. She should've been crying with all the rest.
I was done with this. I wanted to go and see everyone else and check on Zayn. As soon as I turned my head, I saw someone standing next to me looking through the windows. I hadn't realized it, but they had been there almost as long as me.
"Hi, Kate," he said.
"Harry," I breathed. "What're you doing here?"
"Zayn called and told me everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything."
I stared at him, but he didn't stare back. He didn't even act like I was there by him. He seemed alone. He seemed sad. Tears bubbled in his eyes and he looked down at the ground and back at me, his heartbreakers glistening.
"I'm sorry for everything," were the four words he said, and, some how, it made everything a little bit better. "Zayn forgave me, but I still need you to. Please forgive me, Kate."
"I forgive you, and I'm sorry, too," I replied.
He shook his head. "I was an ass. I shouldn't have done that. It's Zayn and your's child, not mine. I should've just accepted that."
"Actually, Harry. I have something to tell you." He looked at me still crying. "She was your baby. Curly hair and all."
He stared at me flabbergasted like I had just stabbed him in the heart. He couldn't believe I was saying this, obviously, and didn't know how to respond. So he twisted and shifted around like a madman and hit his palms on the window. He closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the ground. After a moment of this, he looked back at me.
"My baby," he said plainly.
"Your daughter, actually," I told him.
"My daughter. My little daughter." He shook his head and smiled. It wasn't happy and seemed more hearbreaking than anything. "Did she have a name?"
"No, I hadn't thought she was coming so soon."
He nodded like he understood. "Darcy."
"Pardon?"
"Darcy," he repeated. "Could we call her that? Darcy?" I pondered a moment. Darcy. It seemed strong and innocent, just like I figured my daughter to be.
"Darcy sounds lovely," I smiled at him. He returned it graciously.
"Darcy." He turned his attention back to the babies in the room. "Rest in peace, Darcy."
I stared at him. After not being sure why my child was taken from me, and I still am not sure, I knew he was right. That was the one thing she deserved: peace. I don't think I'll ever be over her and I'll never know why I didn't get to hold her, but she's in a better place, and I guess that's what mattered most in that moment.
"Rest in peace, Darcy."
'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.
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The sequel "If I Let You Know I'm Here" has just begun! Go check it out! IIt will have MUCH MUCH MUCH more 1D and all the boys in it. I'm very excited because it will be still dramatic but not as sad and depressing as this one.
I hope you all liked the ending.
Let me know your thoughts!!
-Hannah:)