A few days passed and we hadn't seen each other. Trevor had flown to LA and Atlanta to perform for some events and also do some business with other artists for his mixtape that he never informed me he was working on.
Anyway, his travel had him gone majority of the week so naturally I was unable to see him. But God, did I miss him. I prayed for him more than I had prayed for myself those four or five days. I practically lived at Katrina's house while Lee Lee spent time with her father during the time that Trevor was gone. He promised he would return in time for our appointment with Dr. Lovelace, and he kept that promise.
I was so anxious to see Dr. Lovelace after I completed all the steps that she said I needed to in order to work on Trevor and I. It amazed me how quickly Trevor had solved his issues, but at the same time he had been right with The Lord for so long he probably had sorted through his personal problems already.
How could he be so perfect?
I admired Trevor and was looking forward all that he had to offer my daughter and myself, so this appointment couldn't get here any faster.
I showered and washed my hair before dressing myself in a white button up with black dress pants and nude heels. I put on a diamond necklace and matching hoops, slicked my hair into a neat bun, grabbed my keys and a clutch and exited in a bit of a rush.
I had no reason to rush, I wasn't late but I was so excited to finally move on with my man I was willing to jog to the psychologist office if I had to. And I know I started on a new leaf with the fancy clothes, but this was a special occasion.
My first stop, was Chris' house.
He, on the low, switched out his party pad of a penthouse apartment for an actual house that was child appropriate, but still Christopher. When I pulled up to his house I was beyond surprised at what I was seeing. The gates to his driveway opened up as if the cameras recognized my car and I drove up a long, perfectly paved road towards the front steps.
The house reminded me of Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch with the two stories high mansion with pillars and trimmed bushes in front of the windows on the lower level. I rung the door bell and very quickly Chris came to the door.
He wore a white tee shirt and grey sweatpants. His bare feet slapped the hard wood of his foyer boisterously and he smiled at me brightly before opening the door. We hugged each other tightly and spoke for a second before he went to fetch Leanni.
I stood in the door way with one arm clutching my bag in the bend of it and the other at my side. Before, there would be no chance in hell that I would allow Leanni to see her father alone and there would be no chance in hell that I would be mending the broken relationships I had.
But here I was. Standing in the doorway of his house. Waiting for my daughter to come out from where ever she was in this grand estate.
She came running towards me with her arms open wide and gave me a tight hug. "Mommy!" She shrieked leaping into my arms. I grinned and squeezed her tightly. She was getting so big.
"Hey, I'm going to keep you with daddy just a couple more hours is that okay?" I asked her. She kissed my cheek and shrugged her shoulders.
"Wanna see my new room?" She said. She wiggled out of my embrace and latched onto my hand and drug me up the spiral stairs toward her room. I giggled and ran behind her just as excited as she was to see.
Her door was painted a baby pink with her name written on it in green paint. Leanni. With a heart to sign it off. She turned at the door knob and it swung open. The walls were painted like the sky and her bed was perched up higher than she was. She climbed four steps as if they were the stairway to heaven and then sprawled out on it releasing a great sigh.
I twirled around the room and cheesed happily. It was what she had always wanted. Her room at my house was painted the baby pink she had on her door and was princess themed, this must've been what she really wanted all this time. It was gorgeous and I commended Chris for doing such a great job.
"It's beautiful, Lee Lee," I said joining her on her queen sized bed.
"Isn't it, mommy?" She asked. She looked dazed and we laid there for quite some time. "Mommy, can I ask you something?"
"Yes, of course," I answered.
"You can't tell me something stupid because you think I'm too little to understand. I'm almost eight," she reposed. I giggled at her sassy remark and nodded my head promising to be honest. "Is Dad gunna die?"
"What? Chris is going to be fi--" I started.
"No, not daddy. Dad," she interjected. I was at a loss for words. How did she know that? I mentally paused. Who am I kidding, she wasn't dumb, she had seen so much. If she didn't know at least a fourth of what was going on, then she wasn't as tainted as I thought.
"We're all going to die some day, Lee Lee, but yes. He's sick," I explained.
"Sick how?" She questioned.
"I mean, what he has is rare and although most people die from it, they also live a long time," I reassured her. It was true, I researched it and the life expectancy if they continue being medicated could be well into their fifties. That was still young, but however long I have my Trevor is enough for me.
"I guess I don't feel so bad anymore," she said. "I was really sad, I didn't know what was going on. I'm glad you told me, mommy."
I kissed her forehead, "I love you and I promise if the truth is difficult to explain I will at least try to give you a straight answer."
"I love you too, mommy." Look at my big ole' girl. I almost forgot how old she was for a second. I sat up and then climbed off the bed.
"I'll be back in two and a half hours," I stated walking towards the door. She blew me a kiss and I caught it.
I sped off to the office like it was an emergency. Every stoplight, every stop sign, every pedestrian I had to yield to, felt like a lifetime.
Finally crossing that bridge and being able to sew back together the last few remnants of our relationship felt like a breath of fresh air. Being stuck in one phase for so long was exhausting, especially when all you've wanted was for it to be fixed since day one.
I pulled into a parking space and took a deep breath, still holding the steering wheel in my hands. I shut my eyes and it seemed as if everything that had ever happened to me flashed before them in quick five second videos. Some of the feelings in each moment came rushing back, but as I got towards the present day they faded away all over again.
"Disappointment is as permanent or as temporary as you allow it to be..." God spoke to me.
I exhaled again and felt warmth all over me.
Was this happiness?
It felt so foreign to me, so I welcomed it with open arms. All I've ever wanted was to be happy and at that moment, despite all that had happened and was happening, I had finally found it.
I got out of the car and pulled my bag over my shoulder before waltzing into the office.
The air was different.
Normally it was tense and hot and stuffy in the waiting area, but it was smooth and calm and fresh as if we were outside. I couldn't pin point if it was me or if it was the building, but I tried not to question it too much. I liked it.
I was right on time. And so was Trevor. He was sitting in the office with his hands clasped in his lap and his head held high, unlike usual. Usually he was reading a magazine or on his phone, but it was like he was waiting for something to come walking through the door.
Me.
He beamed as soon as he laid eyes on mine and I grinned from ear to ear. He gave me a look that almost said, "Today's the day". I replied with a smile, "I'm ready as I'll ever be".
I took a seat next to him and he watched me the whole way, as if he was in amazement. Before I could ask what the face was for, Dr. Lovelace came to get us. Trevor and I stood up and walked with Dr. Lovelace toward her office. She even seemed different.
Trevor and I took our seats and Dr. Lovelace smiled at us. "You guys look great! How are y'all?" She asked gazing at me, then at Trevor, then back again.
"I'm well. I'm doing very well. I feel refreshed," Trevor said.
"And you, Miss Myers, you're practically glowing!" She exclaimed.
"Yeah! I was staring at her so hard because it's like ridiculous how different she looks now!" Trevor shouted sharing Dr. Lovelace's emotion.
"I'm happy," I stated trying to fight the tears. Trevor instinctively wrapped his arm around me and squeezed me tight. "Like you don't get it. I'm actually happy. I've never been happy like this before, not since I had my daughter."
"That's great. That's where I've been trying to get you to. I wanted you both to get to this point of euphoria, so that you may move on," Dr. Lovelace explained. She was holding both of our hands, Trevor and mine, looking deep into our eyes. "Now lets start working on your relationship."
Her words were like music to my ears and just at the same time as I thought it, Trevor said "Finally." We all chuckled and released each other's hands.
"So Deanna, how do you feel about Trevor now that we've surpassed all that other stuff in the way?" she asked.
"I love him more than I ever have before," I answered. Butterflies were swirling all around my insides and I was trying to fight them so that I wouldn't smile too wide and give myself away.
"Have you accepted the fact that he's going to die?" She questioned.
"Yes. All I care about now, is being with him," I responded.
"Good. Good," she murmured. "Trevor, how do you feel about Deanna?"
"I have to agree, I love her more than I ever loved anyone and I can't wait to be with her. She fills a part of me that I think God left open so that Deanna could fill it," he explained.
"What about when she cheated on you? How do you feel about it now?" Dr. Lovelace inquired.
"Everyone makes mistakes, I completely understand how she felt and what drove her to it. I don't think she was doing it to hurt me or anything like that. I don't care about it anymore, I know that she wouldn't do it again," he elaborated. "She loves me too much."
"Great! Guys, you're all healed up! Both of you!" Dr. Lovelace shouted. We quietly celebrated and then Dr. Lovelace looked over at Trevor for a moment.
The look that she gave Trevor said something. I couldn't tell what it was, but it said something. I furrowed my eyebrows for just a second and quickly turned my head to Trevor. He was looking at me. What the hell...
"Dang flabbit!" Dr. Lovelace suddenly shouted. I turned my attention to her and watched as she got up to find her keys. "I forgot to roll my windows and it's getting ready to rain! I'll be right back!"
My eyes followed her out the door and then I turned to Trevor. My eyes were narrowed in suspicion, this was just... Odd.
"Deanna?" He asked turning his body towards me.
"Yeah, what was that--" I started.
"I love you," he blurted.
I cheesed from ear to ear, "I love you too."
"I want you to know something,"
"What is it?"
"I love you,"
"Ha, you just said that,"
"I know, I know. Um... Deanna, when you asked me to marry you I was caught off guard. It was so out of character for you to do something like that, I mean I would never expect a woman to ask a man for their hand in marriage. And the moment that you did it... It was all just so out of no where to me."
"I didn't say no because I didn't love you or want to marry you, I said no because you needed to know about my illness first. I didn't want us to be engaged and go through all this madness. And I also said no because... Because..."
My heart was pounding.
What was he going to say next?
Where was this going?
Where was this coming from?
The tight grip I had on his hands had me unable to breathe and his hands were growing sweatier and sweatier the longer he spoke.
"I wanted to ask you myself," he finished.
If a bitch could have passed out, I would have.
My jaw dropped and I suddenly had the urgency to pee. My heart was like a damn bass drum in my chest and my adrenaline was pumping furiously through my blood.
"W-wha?" I could barely get a real word out. This was just so crazy. I never expected this! I didn't see it coming a mile away!
He slowly got down on one knee and the blinds in the window behind him flew up. Leanni, Kat, Sean, and Ian all stood with a great big sign that said "Will You Marry Me?"
I burst into tears. The emotion was so overwhelming that that was all I could do.
That's why everyone was so different! That's why everything felt so different. It was happening today. Trevor was going to ask me to be with him forever, today. I was so overtaken with everything that unfolded around me that I started taking shorter breaths as I cried.
I was so thankful that God had blessed me with this amazing man and I was so thankful that God was allowing me this kind of love in my life. A kind of love most people will never see.
Trevor took his thumbs and wiped the tears from my eyes and with the sleeve of his shirt wiped the snot from my nose. I glanced up at my family standing with bright and smiling faces and down at the man that I met at an audition.
I recalled that day for a moment. God was with me.
And He's with me now.
I swallowed and I heard the door crack open. I turned my head to see, instinctively, and Dr. Lovelace stood with her head inside and a huge kool-aid grin. "Say yes!" She whispered. I chuckled and turned back to Trevor. He was now holding a ring in his hand and I gasped as more tears cascaded down my cheeks.
"Oh, Trevor" I cried. The ring in the box was beautiful, it wasn't flashy and designer, it was simple yet spectacular, displaying what our love looked like if one were to look at it.
"What do you say, babe?" He asked.
"Duh!" I exclaimed. The look on his face changed drastically and he picked me up and swung me around in a great big circle. I could hear our family screaming outside and even Dr. Lovelace screamed like a girl at a Chris Brown concert.
Trevor's tears soaked my shirt and my own tears wet my skin. I loved every moment of this. I couldn't get enough of it. I wanted to stay in this moment forever. I loved Trevor with all of my might and all of my being words just couldn't express it.
We continuously said that we loved each other and kissed for eternity.