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I tucked my knees close to me, resting my head on their tops. The smooth concrete under the bare soles of my feet, warm after baking in the sun all day long. Lights twinkled in the darkness, illuminating everything around me in comfortable dimness. Before me the large rectangular swimming pool had tranquil water, as though laid with glass.
Everything was so perfect outside here. So calm and silent, that the only noise I could hear was the roar of my own thoughts reverberating in my head.
I thought you'd have the decency to at least take this seriously... I squeezed my eyes shut, tears trickling down my cheeks for the hundredth time. I wiped them away angrily- what would it take to stop them?!
It had been a few hours since I'd come home. After arranging dinner for the brothers I'd excused myself, prayed, and settled out here.
I knew they'd find me if they looked but I had a feeling they knew I wanted alone time. Yassin had tried talking to me several times but I'd brushed him away, not caring if it hurt him.
I was so done with these boys
I hadn't known going to school was going to cause such a huge problem. It honestly didn't even cross my mind anything was amiss, nor had Bilal mentioned it to me as he took me there.
I'd made sure breakfast and lunch was set out on the table, even moving the microwave so no one would have to do anything much. I'd arranged all of Yassin's meds in order of what times to take them, made sure there were a tonne of painkillers and a jug of water by Badr's side.
I wasn't perfect at looking after thoroughly wounded boys, but I'd thought I'd made a decent effort. Clearly it was not enough. Badr's words replayed in my head, we needed you! And you abandoned us! I winced.
Needed.
"I'm so, so sorry" I whispered to myself, sniffing.
I wanted Mama and Baba back. I wanted to relieve these boys of their burden. I could only imagine how annoying I was, how nothing ever seemed to work out with me. I was directly responsible for Yassin and Badr's state, and Bilal had to endure me instead of hanging out with Chloe, who was no doubt pissed off at the barrier I'd created.
The worst thing was, I had no idea what I'd done or why I was important in this whole situation.
Why was I worth protecting? There was only so much Baba could pay them right? They could still walk off the job. I felt as though there was something bigger in question here.
Oh fuck it. I thought venomously, shocking myself, this Buria can go take a hike. I'm not going to let them use me as an excuse to hurt others.
Because that was what they were doing weren't they? They were using me as an excuse to do drastic acts. At the game I'd never been in their line of fire- Badr and Yassin had. At Fankour it wasn't me who was shot but several Cedochi. Was it my fault? I didn't know, but a part of me felt directly responsible.
I inched toward the water as my thoughts consumed me, soon rolling up my pants to my knees and dipping my feet in. It was cool and refreshing, but I felt drained.
I want out, I thought childishly, just want to wake up and pretend it's all just a dream...
"Laila! Watch out!"
I jerked my head up but it was too late. I must have nodded off and started keeling toward the water, and Badr's voice startled me right into it.
I face planted right into the pool and scrabbled against the pool floor, pushing myself back up. I gasped for air, more drained of it because of shock. My hair spread out in coils around me, black and glossy, like ink. I blinked up blearily at an amused Badr, standing with his arms crossed over his chest.
We stared at each other for a few moments. I was sure my bloodshot eyes told him how much I'd cried, because his expression softened into something that I couldn't quite describe. Tenderness? Sympathy?
"Oh Laila" he murmured finally, his eyes sad, "come on out"
He extended a hand for me to take and I grudgingly complied, my dripping wet fingers in his warm, dry ones. He hoisted me up, his other hand on my waist for a fleeting second before he released me, watching as I rescued dripping wet hair out of it's tangled mess. Why did this happen to me? I might as well walk around the house hijab-less, the amount of times he'd seem me without it was kind of incredible.
"What?" I asked, catching him staring at me. His gaze was filled with something that I could only describe as longing, but at the sound of my voice he immediately looked away, his jaw working hard.
I looked down at me too, what was wrong with me?
Oh.
My clothes clung to my body, and I stood mortified realizing my Adidas shirt was white. I could feel my face burning and I turned away, my back to him, panicking silently.
I was such a fool.
I heard his footsteps behind me and I froze, my heart beating very fast.
Suddenly a warm black jacket was draped over my shoulders. Badr's jacket, judging by the cologne.
"Go get changed" he told me in a tone one uses with a child, "then come downstairs. I wanted to talk to you"
"T-thanks" I stammered and fled to my room, my cheeks the color of beetroot.
Badr:
I waited for Laila at the pool side, staring into the water's depths. It was now running with tiny waves after being disrupted, looking alluring and inviting. Hell my chest was burning up so much I felt like jumping in.
I tried to clear away the image of a wet Laila. How enticing she looked with her glossy brown-black hair, her face beaded with twinkling droplets of water, her lips full and so alluring. I'd never felt so much at war with myself, wanting her so much and yet actually respecting her boundaries. She'd been scared, I knew, which made my heart hurt. Did she think I was ever going to hurt her? But you did...an inner voice spoke to me in my mind. And it was true, I did hurt her very badly today. She's gone through so much effort to make sure everything Yassin and I would need was close to us in her absence. She'd stayed up most of the night looking after us anyway, if anything she wouldn't have wanted to go to school. I'd forgotten how school culture was. It was 'have to no matter what' kind of thing: I'd been unable to understand that and she'd been unable to understand my reaction.
And hell, I knew I'd made her cry.
I could tell by the redness around her eyes, her worn down atmosphere. Bilal had pointed out to me there was nothing Laila hadn't done that she could do for us. I knew, but I also didn't know how to approach her knowing I was the reason why she'd talked to virtually no one since coming back home.
I heard her before I saw her, those light footsteps on the concrete announcing her arrival. I turned slightly, pleased she'd come.
For a moment we just stared at each other, then Laila's lower lip trembled.
"Badr I'm so, so sorry!" She sobbed, and his heart clenched at those fresh tears, "I- I shouldn't have-"
"No, no Laila- stop" I said desperately wanting her to not cry, "I was wrong, I know I shouldn't have said half those things back there and I'm sorry. You do appreciate us, hell, more then anyone has ever done."
The last words ended on a bitter note, including my Baba, was the ending.
"Badr..."
"Honestly Laila"
She sniffed, smiling slightly, "l-let's call it f-fifty fifty?"
I grinned, thoroughly relieved, "let's call it friends again?"
Laila's cute smile grew, "oh Badr..." Her eyes twinkled, "you really are one of a kind"
"I get that a lot" I winked and she rolled her eyes.
Inwardly I laughed. I was about to prove my one of a kindness tomorrow when we went to school.