I didn't even watch Harry leave, I just stared at the floor and tried to stop my chest from heaving.
How dare he? How dare he do that and then expect me to sit back and let him call me 'baby' like it's all okay. Abusive was what he was. Treating someone like that and then expecting them to forgive and forget in a matter of seconds just by the use of a stupid pet name was abusive. I believed he would never physically hurt me, but he made up for that in all the emotional hurt he would cause.
The front door slamming — indicating Harry was gone — was what pulled me back into the harsh reality. I didn't want to look up at Liam in front of me in fear of what I might see — how he'd taken it. My cheeks were still covered in tears, and a few were caught in my eyelashes making my vision blurry.
"Jess?" his weak voice spoke out, and ultimately I straightened up to look at him. He looked upset but he wasn't crying, he didn't seem to be angry, I could tell by his body language that he was just as exhausted as I was — his shoulders were slumped and he just stood before me looking... disappointed.
"I'm so sorry," I breathed, holding a certain emptiness in every way possible.
"Tell me what happened, Jess. I need to hear this from you."
"I ca— I can't... I don't want to say it out loud, because then it becomes real," I admitted shakily.
"How long? How long have you been sleeping with him?" he asked exasperatedly.
"I haven't!" I was quick to defend myself. "I haven't— he... I never let him touch me. I know that doesn't make it better but I wouldn't let him do anything like that while I was still with you. But... two months."
He nodded slightly and we just stood in silence, neither of us knowing what to say.
"I'm sorry, Liam," I blurted out in a cry, "I'm a selfish bítch and what I did to you was unforgivable. I know I can never expect you to forgive me but I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"It's okay?" I repeated, slightly shocked at how collected he was being.
"It's okay, Jess. Well... it's not... but what's done is done."
"You're not gonna cry or yell or something? You're just gonna come out with 'it's okay'?"
"Of course I'm upset — I'm absolutely heartbroken, but what's the point in getting angry and acting out? It's done, there's nothing either of us can do now. You can't help who you fall in love with," he shrugged sadly.
"I don't love him," I shook my head firmly. "I know you won't believe me but I don't. I love you, just not in the way I should."
"Okay, Jess," he forced a smile to comfort me, and I knew he didn't believe me that I don't love Harry. To him it would make no sense that I'd go behind his back with someone else if I didn't really feel passionately about them, but it's just not like that. I don't love Harry.
"I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry you had to hear it like that. You deserve so much better, Liam, you deserve someone who's going to love you with everything they've got and never stop loving you until they day they die, and I'm sorry that person isn't me."
He offered me a meek smile and I had to bite back the rest of the tears. I hated myself for what I'd done, and I hated even more that it was Liam I'd hurt, because he really didn't deserve it and definitely would've never expected it to happen because he tries to see the best in everyone, and sometimes that positive outlook blinds him.
"Don't let him give you any shít, Jess. You hear me? I know what guys like him are capable of, and I think you do too, so don't let him hurt you. You stand up for yourself, okay?" His hand reached out to caress my cheek and I squeezed my eyes shut as I nodded and held his wrist, the tears that fell over the edge were ice cold against my hot cheek having been sat in my eyelashes for a while. "I'll always be here for you want to talk about anything, even if it's him, okay?"
I couldn't believe how calm Liam was about all of this. He'd mentioned he was heartbroken, but here he is telling me to be careful with Harry and that he would still be around if I wanted to talk to him — that we could still be friends. I didn't know whether his reaction was a blessing or a curse, but anything was better than the way I'd imagine Harry to react if the roles were reversed.
I couldn't stop myself from throwing my arms around his torso and hugging him tightly. I didn't regret any of the time I'd spent with him before I met Harry, and I would hope we could always be on good terms. He held me close and stroked my hair soothingly as I let the tears fall freely against his tshirt, which he didn't seem to mind.
"I'll always love you, Liam," I sobbed against his chest.
"I know. And I'll always love you," he cooed.
After a few minutes we both let each other go, and Liam left. He left my house to go home and I stayed standing there staring at the door after him. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, but at the same time I felt like my heart was even heavier. I'd gotten one problem out of the way by finally telling Liam about what I'd done and ending things with him, but another arose in that Harry was on my hit list and I was feeling very broken inside.
What was I supposed to do now? I'd chosen Harry over Liam, but I wasn't about to go running into his open arms after the shít he'd pulled. I think we both needed to cool off a little before seeing each other.
I decided to go and feel sorry for myself in my room, climbing under the blankets with my laptop and watching episodes of shows online to distract myself from the hollow feeling in my chest. I just needed time — time to calm down, time to get over Liam, time to think about Harry and time to get myself feeling the way I felt before all this happened. How much time I wasn't sure.
———————
I didn't speak to anyone for four days after that afternoon.
I mean, I responded when spoken to — although very bluntly — but I didn't make conversation. For some reason no one really asked what was wrong so no one found out. I didn't tell anyone that I'd broken up with Liam and was on iffy terms with Harry again, not a single person. I avoided the common room at school at all costs, only going to my lessons and then spending any free time in the library so I didn't have to see Harry or Mckenzie. It worried me that no one noticed how shítty I was feeling, but I guess that's life.
I was nervous to tell my family that Liam and I were no longer together. For one, I knew they all loved him and they were very close to him and his parents, so it'd break their hearts. But also, if Harry and I did end up together they'd know I'd been seeing him whilst I was still with Liam, or they'd just think I moved on fast, and either understand would probably cause them to be disappointed in me.
I spent the weekend tucked away in my room, doing whatever I could find to do to keep myself busy. I watched TV, browsed through the depths of the internet, looked at old photos, tidied my room, painted my nails, cleaned the house, anything that would keep me occupied.
Monday morning rolled around quickly as usual, and I looked even more of a mess since I got up late and had fifteen minutes before I had to be out the door. Not an ounce of makeup was applied to my face to attempt to cover up the redness and brighten my pale complexion, and my hair was shoved up into a knotty ponytail.
I kept my head down as I walked through the front gates of the school after getting out of my mum's car, and I was nearly knocked flying as I smashed into someone walking in the opposite direction towards me. I looked up apologetically and mumbled about how sorry I was, before stopping dead upon realising who I'd stumbled into.
"Jess, it's been a while!"
"Hi, Louis, err... it's only been a few days," I replied, embarrassed by my appearance and general mental state at the moment.
"Feels like loads longer!" he said cheerily laughing, that is until he noticed how uncomfortable and even more quiet than usual I was and his face fell a little, "You okay darlin'?"
"Umm... yeah," I tried. This was the first time I'd been asked if I was okay in days, and I had that reaction where the question just makes you feel ten times worse. My mouth started to turn upside down and quiver at my failed attempt at trying not to cry. "No," I corrected, the sob I had tried so hard to hold back breaking through.
"Hey hey hey, what's up?" he asked gently, his hands gripping the tops of my arms as I put my hand over my mouth to muffle my cries and hide my ugly crying face. I'd never seen Louis act so caring before, and I was embarrassed that it was him of all people that had to be the one to see me like this.
I didn't answer his question, I just kept trying not to let my crying reach full effect in front of him. "Do you wanna talk about it?" he offered, but I shook my head no, not that he was having any of it. "No, come on, you need to let it all out, love. Forget about this shít hole and come with me."
Louis wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me with him back out the gates. We walked into the graveyard situated next to the school and sat down on an old bench under a big oak tree so that we were out of sight.
"Right, what's the matter?"
"You don't need to worry about my problems, I'm sure you've got somewhere better to be right now," I said miserably, still crying but not as much as I was before.
"Are you joking? I don't have to be at the garage today and I was just about to make myself at home in your little room in the sixth form building until I saw a teacher wandering around." I choked out a laugh and he smiled at me. "Talk to me. Is it Harry?"
I choked out yet another sarcastic laugh at the fact he was able to hit the nail on the head on the first try. I guess it was just a given that if I was upset it was because of Harry, or maybe it was a given that anyone associated with Harry would be upset because of him. Either way it said a lot about him.
"What's the bástard done this time?" he said irritatedly.
"He forced me to tell Liam about us in front of him, and when I got scared he blurted it out himself. He was so horrible and then he tried to make out it'd never happened two seconds later," I explained vaguely through sniffles.
"For fück's sake, he is such a—"
"I know," I cut him off, knowing that whatever it was he was going to say, I agreed with.
"So you've ended it with Liam?"
I nodded, "Five days ago."
"Have you spoken to Harry since then?" he asked carefully.
"Nope. I chose him but he fücked up so figured I had to be mad at him before I could even talk to him, and he hasn't even tried to contact me."
"That's the thing about Harry, Jess, he's stubborn. He won't come running back pleading for your forgiveness. It's like... you need to go to his house and shout at him about what he did wrong and then maybe he'll apologise, but he won't be the one to initiate the apology," he told me, and I totally understood what he was saying. It's like when we weren't on good terms last time and I stormed out, he was forced by my friends to come out and talk to me, and when he did he apologised and was sweet in the end.
"So you think I should find him and start an argument in the hopes he'll say sorry and we can work it out?" I clarified.
"I know that sounds fuckíng ridiculous and like really stupid advice, but yeah. You can't let him fück you over; you've gotta put him in his place and show him who's boss," he chuckled. That was exactly what Liam had said.
"I think you're right," I agreed.
"Of course I'm right," he winked. "Does Mckenzie know about all this?"
"No, no one does," I said awkwardly. It was weird that the first person I was opening up to about my feelings and problems was Louis.
"She's gonna be píssed if she finds out you told me before her," he laughed, and finally I did too. He was definitely right.
"Well you were the first person to notice I was upset, so..."
"She didn't even notice?" there was astonishment behind his voice and written on his features, even more so when I shook my head in confirmation. "That's awful, what a bítch!"
"Louis! You can't say things like that about her, she's your... well, I don't know what she is but you two are like..." I smooshed my hands together in a weird gesture to try and put across what I meant.
"Fuckíng?"
I grimaced and Louis threw his head back with laughter. "Umm... yeah, that."
"Oh Jess, as much as I think Harry is the biggest díckhead going, I sure hope he takes some of this innocence away from you soon," he cackled, and I grimaced even more — physically cringing. After he'd calmed down from his hysterics, he said, "But seriously, Jess. I've told you once and I'll tell you again; Harry likes you. We all know he's closed off and doesn't really know how to act on his feelings, but I'm about ninety-nine percent certain that he's trying really hard to make you see it in his own weird way. He has a past and maybe even a present that he doesn't want to dwell on, so it's hard for him, you know?"
I did know. I totally got where he was coming from. Harry liked to hide behind this act that he had going on because he doesn't want to come across as vulnerable for whatever reason. I knew that I'd already got him to open up to me in ways that he hadn't before, and he was definitely making exceptions for me in terms of how he behaves, but one thing that Louis had said intrigued me. He said that Harry has a past and maybe even a present that he doesn't want to dwell on, so what does that mean? Has Harry done things that are even more terrible than the barn incident? Was he currently involved in things that would make me think less of him? If I was ever going to trust him, I needed to know what dirty secrets he was hiding.
"I'm gonna go and talk to him. Thank you, Louis, for listening and giving me advice," I smiled.
"What are friends for, eh? You go and put Harry in his place, love."
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Please remember to vote and comment! And please check out my story Elusive :)
I'm usually very predictable in my writing, like someone will turn up and I'm like WHO'S IT GONNA BE and y'all are like is it Liam and I'm like lol yeah, so I hope this is slightly more surprising ;) No Harry in this chapter for once, how do you think it's gonna go when Jess talks to him?
Highlight this with a question for me to answer in the next update (about anything)!
My question for you is: Do you ever dream about 1D? If you do, what's the weirdest dream you've had about any of them?
Ok this question came to mind because last night I had a dream that I was dating Harry and we went on holiday with a big group of our friends, and on this holiday it'd been a week since I'd seen him and I was getting sad that he wasn't joining in with what we were doing like playing cricket and shít idk, anyway I thought he was ill but when I found out he wasn't I got really mad and went looking for him. When I found him I found out that he was VOLUNTEERING TO WORK AT A RESCUE CENTRE FOR PUPPIES AND HE WAS ALL EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT AND IT WAS CUTE AND I'M STILL DEAD.
Ok that's it lol, love
E x