Right after we ate in a somewhat awkward silence, I politely asked Liam to take me home. Of course he obliged, thinking I was absolutely crazy and needed to be locked up in a mental institution, probably. It was only nine when I arrived at my house, but I went straight to bed because I didn't want to have to think about everything anymore.
The next morning was exactly the same as every morning; I woke up and hurried to get ready so that I could catch a lift with my mum. I probably looked rougher than usual, but that was the least of my worries. I got to school at precisely eight-forty-four, one minute before lessons started, so I practically legged it to law to avoid walking in late.
Law was also the least of my worries; what I was most worried about was the free period I had afterwards and whether or not Harry would be there. I spent the whole lesson trying not to think about it, but thus thinking about it even more because I was trying not to. He told me he didn't want to talk to me until I'd told him my decision, so did that mean he was going to completely blank me if I saw him?
It made me angry that it was more than likely I was going to see him at some point, and he was probably going to ignore me like I mean nothing to him, or say something cruel that'll make me want to fling myself out the window with embarrassment, but neither of those things would result in me hating him like I should do and I didn't quite understand why.
As I left the classroom and headed to the common room, my heart started thumping and heat rose to my face. I opened the door and ascended the stairs slowly, hoping that maybe I'd be alone or I'd get lucky and it'd be just Mckenzie in there, but of course I'm not lucky — when I rounded the corner, Mckenzie, Harry and Louis were sitting there talking.
"Alright Jess!" Louis called out, making Mckenzie and Harry turn their heads to look at me, but with two very different facial expressions. Harry looked like he'd swallowed a wasp and immediately turned away — no surprise there, and Mckenzie smiled and watched me walk over awkwardly.
"I can't wait for the day you get caught and kicked out of here," I chuckled, trying to act natural whilst taking a seat next to Mckenzie and adjacent to Harry, glancing nervously at him.
"They wouldn't dare!" Louis stated proudly with a cocky smile, stretching his arms out over the backs of the chairs next to him and lounging back as if to boast that he was untouchable.
Louis went back to talking to Harry about whatever it was they were talking about before I showed up, and Mckenzie leaned towards me subtly and whispered, "How did last night go?"
"I don't want to talk about it," I replied honestly.
"Why? What happened? Jess, what did you do?"
"Did you not hear me? I said I don't want to talk about it," I snapped, glaring at her. She raised her eyebrows at my outburst but I think she got the message because she leaned back away from me and didn't say anything else.
"You know what? I really fancy a KFC..." Louis pondered aloud.
"Oh my god, yes! I haven't had KFC for ages, why don't we all go?" Mckenzie suggested.
"My car's fücked so we'll have to bribe Styles over there," Louis said, cupping his hand around his mouth and directing his eyes to Harry as if he was whispering, but speaking very loudly.
"Jess and I will buy you a meal if you take us?" Mckenzie offered, fluttering her eyelashes at Harry innocently. "Won't we, Jess?"
"Uh... yeah."
"Some people seem to think it's alright to just invite themselves," Harry scoffed under his breath, and I knew he wasn't talking about either of the other two...
"Don't be a díck, mate!" Louis joked, daring to kick his leg.
"Dunno if there's enough room in my car, there's a lot of shít in it. Might only have one or two seats..."
Was he actually doing this? Was he really acting like a five year old who didn't want that one kid to join in with the game? I wanted to rip my hair out at how childish and stubborn he was being.
"You can go, I better stay here and... do this work I have," I fibbed, my cheeks flushing so hard I felt like I was about to catch fire.
Mckenzie gave me this weird sympathetic look as though she was onto what Harry was doing, but Louis was completely clueless and probably believed his stupid little act. "Mckenzie can just sit on my knee or something."
"We'll get stopped by the police and I'll be done for." At this, I couldn't help but scoff and laugh out loud. Harry was full of pathetic excuses. He shot me a displeased look like he was about to blow up at me but he was holding back as I stood my ground and stared him out.
"I don't want to come, you go," I told them with a sarcastic and forced smile.
"Course you don't," Harry muttered, and I'd gone from embarrassed to angry in a matter of minutes.
"What was that?"
"I said of course you don't," he repeated more loudly — bitterly.
"I don't, wouldn't want to be a nuisance."
"Yeah, well, too late."
"Mmm, yeah," I said, nodding with the most sarcastic look I think I've ever come out with on my face.
"Look, do you want to fuckíng come or not?" he spat. I could see Louis looking like he'd just seen a ghost out of the corner of my eye now he was realising what was happening.
"No, not when you're being like this."
"I'm not being like anything, you can't fuckíng make up your mind as usual! You're being a stuck up b—"
"Don't finish that," I scowled, standing up quickly and storming out as fast as I could.
Once I'd left the room, I realised there was nowhere I could go from here, so without taking more than five steps I sank down and sat on the stairs with my head between my knees. I breathed slowly and tried to convince myself that I wasn't upset and I didn't feel like I was about to burst into tears.
As I sat in silence outside the common room I could hear Mckenzie, Louis and Harry frantically muttering between themselves. Harry sounded furious and Mckenzie seemed to be bickering with him, probably convincing him to find me and apologise, but Harry doesn't do apologies.
"Fine!" he suddenly roared, and his footsteps approached me in a hurry.
"You didn't get very far, did you?" he said, stopping and standing over me when he reached me.
"Go away," I mumbled, my voice muffled since my face was between my knees and directed towards the floor.
"Stop it, Jess. What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me?" I shouted, looking up at him with a single tear rolling down my cheek but feeling anger burning within me, "What's wrong with you?"
"Oh for God's sake, stop crying," he huffed. He always did that — he always told me to 'stop crying' as though the sight of someone upset to the point of tears scared him, but this time he was just being harsh.
"If you're going to continue being like that, what the hell are you doing out here?"
"Mckenzie made m—"
"Great. Good to know, thanks," I cut him off, not wanting to hear it. I turned away from him and stared at the wall at the bottom of the stairs.
"Fück, Jess," he grumbled, and he stepped down one stair and sat next to me with his arms resting on his knees. "I know you're stroppy but it's never usually this bad, what's wrong?" I wanted to get mad at him for calling me 'stroppy', but his voice was more gentle now so I assumed that was his attempt at trying to be nice.
"You. You're what's wrong."
"What? What have I done?" he sounded stupidly shocked as if his entire existence wasn't devoted to making other people feel bad about themselves.
"It hurts, Harry. It hurts to have someone you like make every excuse as to why you have to stay behind, calling you names and being spiteful in the process."
There was a brief pause, before he said, "Wait... what?"
"What?"
"What did you say?"
"It hurts to have someone want you to stay behind..."
"You didn't say that."
"I did..."
I didn't. I knew exactly what he'd picked up on and I was trying to avoid repeating it.
"Jess, tell me what you said. Say it," he pressed.
"You know what I said, drop it!"
"Seriously," he sighed, "Are you gonna tell me what's the matter with you or not?"
"Why does it matter to you?" I mumbled.
There was another pause. "It doesn't."
"Fine."
"Why does it matter to you whether or not it matters to me?"
"It doesn't," I carefully mocked him. Neither of us had even looked at each other for this entire conversation so far.
"You're lying," he stated matter-of-factly.
"No I'm not."
"Don't pull that shít, you know I can pick up on when you're lying."
"I let you get away with your lie so can't you please just let me get away with mine," I grumbled.
"No, why does it matter what I think?" he pushed, and when I mumbled something back he turned to face me, intensifying his question, "Why Jess? Why does it matter what someone like me thinks? Why can't you just let it go and walk away? Why do you keep hanging around but not telling me that it's over — that it's Liam that you want?"
"Because it's not! It's you — It's only ever been you! I don't want Liam, I want you!"
Silence.
Oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god!
"That— It... it just slipped out. I—"
I didn't mean to say it. I'm about ninety-nine percent sure my mouth had spoken without consulting my brain again, because I hadn't even decided that myself but I'd said it in the heat of the moment. Harry was still, just looking at the side of my face as I continued to stare wide-eyed at the white wall in front of me. I'm surprised he hadn't jumped up and shouted 'I told you so' in my face.
He was hesitant as he spoke, "Have you told him? Have you told Liam this?"
"I— No, I hadn't even told myself that..." I replied shakily.
"You need to tell him."
It felt like hours I sat there and thought before I said anything else, but it was probably about thirty seconds. Harry didn't rush me, he didn't even speak, he just sat and stared at me as I came to terms with whatever the hell I'd just blurted out.
"I know," I said, finally.
"Until you tell him, nothing's changed. You know that, right?"
"What?" I snapped my head towards him and looked him right in the eye for the first time. What did he mean nothing had changed? I'd just made my mind up on the spot and told him that I choose him, and he doesn't even show an ounce of emotion.
"Nothing's changed until you and him are over. That's a given, surely?"
"You're unbelievable, you really are," I huffed, standing up and starting to walk away from him and down the stairs.
"Where are you going?" he called after me, standing up himself and following behind.
"Home," I announced over my shoulder, striding away confidently until he grabbed my wrist and I came whirling back round to face him against my will.
"Jess..." he said softly, letting go of my wrist and suddenly drawing me towards him by placing his hand on the small of my back. My hands shot up to his chest to steady myself, but I avoided eye contact by turning my head slightly and gazing down at the floor. He pulled me as close as I could get to him and nuzzled my cheek with his nose as his hands ran over the bottom my back. He inhaled a deep breath and whispered out, "I'm sorry."
"You're not," I told him, trying not to snivel loudly enough for him to hear that I was on the brink of crying again, even though he probably knew.
"I am; I'm sorry. I know that was hard and I haven't been making it any easier for you."
"I thought nothing had changed yet," I pointed out peevishly.
"It has. Everything's changed."
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Remember to vote and comment if you're reading! :) And please check out my new story Elusive.
Thank you so so much for 10K reads on Illicit, 100 reads on Elusive and 200 followers, by the way! :)
This chapter isn't all that exciting, but she's half way there - she told Harry! A lot of you were on Harry's side so you'll probably be happy about that. What do you think will happen from here? I think you'll be surprised at what I've got planned, maybe you won't be on Harry's side for much longer? ;)
(P.s I've been really craving a KFC so that is portrayed in the story. Last time we went to KFC we got told off for parking in the car park before it opened because we got there early omg.)
Rather than a question for you, I would just really like to hear all your thoughts and feelings about the story and the characters etc!
Highlight with a question for me to answer in the next update please!
Love,
E x