I sat in the newfound silence of Harry's car on his driveway completely by myself. I was gobsmacked, confused, a little bit upset, a fraction angry; but I just sat there with wide eyes not knowing what the hell had just happened.
He was angry with me, I knew that, but I thought I'd had the upper hand for a moment there. That was, until he suddenly flipped and stormed out, leaving me to 'drive my fuckíng self home'. Yeah, I'll definitely do that Harry, I'll take your car with my imaginary key and my imaginary driver's licence and I'll drive myself home, thanks.
A small part of me believed that if I sat here long enough, he'd feel guilty and come out to apologise, but then I remembered who it was I was talking about and wiped the idea from my mind. I think that was when it hit me; the reality of who it was I was dealing with. As I'd gotten to know him over the past few months, the fear and anxiety had eased, making me forget that Harry was actually a criminal.
He was a criminal that I'd met at his court trial, a trial he was given because he burnt a barn down with his friends after a night of drinking in a field. He'd basically insulted his way into my life, but somehow he managed to get inside my head, and now I was having to choose between him and possibly the sweetest person alive, and it seems obvious that I shouldn't choose him for so many reasons, but somehow there was this voice in my head telling me I wanted him — that I needed him.
The trouble with Harry is that his outside persona and his inside persona don't match. On the outside he's this tough, angry person that everyone's intimidated by. He has a lot of money, a lot of respect from other people, and a lot of hatred. But on the inside, whether he wants to admit or not, whether others can see it or whether it's just me, I know he's just misunderstood. I don't know why he's built this wall that keeps anyone from seeing the side of him that I've been able to see recently, but it was like I was determined to take a sledgehammer to it and show everyone who I know he can be. He has feelings, he just doesn't want to let them show. Maybe he thinks it's a sign of weakness?
Whilst I was deep in the midst of my thoughts, I hadn't even noticed my phone was vibrating in my hand.
"Hello?"
"Hey," it was Mckenzie — no surprise there, since she, Liam and my family are the only ones who ever call me. "Do you wanna come over? I just got home and there's no one here, so I thought I could play therapist and we could watch TV or whatever."
I rolled my eyes, despite the fact she couldn't see me. By 'I could play therapist', she means 'I could listen to all your problems because I love hearing about everyone else's shítty lives as it fuels my very being'.
"Sure," I agreed. It's not like I had anything better to do, and maybe letting some of what I was thinking out into the open could help.
"Sweet, where are you? At home?"
"Uh... no. I'm currently sat in Harry's car on his driveway."
"Oh really?" I could hear the amusement in her voice, and she was probably smirking to herself as we speak. Shame it wasn't what she was thinking at all. "Okay, well, have him bring you over here?"
"I don't think he'll be coming back out to take me anywhere any time soon. Long story, I'll tell you when I get there, but I'll be walking."
"You're in his car but he's— What? Okay, whatever, I'll see you in a bit."
"Yeah, see ya."
I hung up the phone and sighed, resting my head back against the headrest for a second before grabbing my bag and finally getting out of the car to begin my walk to Mckenzie's house.
————————
"Lay down on my sofa so it feels professional."
"I am not doing that," I tell Mckenzie with a completely straight, unamused face, "This isn't a counselling session, this is me talking to my best friend about my mess of a life."
"Fine," she huffed, and we both sat on the sofa with snacks in front of us on the coffee table and the TV playing in the background. "So, you were in Harry's car, or something? Let's start from there."
"Eugh, okay, well he waited for me after psychology and offered me a lift home completely out of the blue. I was a bit weary but I agreed, and then I was even more weary when he took me to his house instead of mine. He didn't even tell me, he just drove to his house."
"I told you he was weird," Mckenzie butts in, nodding whilst she stuffed a whole pringle in her mouth.
"Yeah, and he said he wanted to talk to me, and we didn't even make it out of his car before we were arguing about how he basically thinks I'm just automatically going to want to be with him without even giving it a second thought."
"He thinks that? What has he said?"
"This is the second time he's brought it up. He's said... like... 'Do you want me to tell Liam it's over?' when I haven't even said a word to him about a final decision."
"Are you sure he hasn't just got the wrong end of the stick? Are you giving him mixed signals?" she was treading very carefully, and definitely pushing it.
"No! I keep telling him I need time but he just assumes things! He gets really angry when I tell him I haven't decided though, apparently he isn't going to speak to me now until I've made up my mind."
"Well maybe you just... should, Jess?" she said, and I got the impression she was sympathising with Harry. What the hell? I didn't sign up for this! My best friend was always supposed to take my side!
"Mcke—"
"I know this is not what you want to hear, but it's just not fair on anyone, including you. To keep stringing Harry along and not telling Liam about any of this is... just not good."
"You're supposed to be helping me, not telling me what I already know!"
"I know, but that's all I can think! You just have to choose, I guess," she shrugged regretfully.
"It's just not that easy," I could feel tears pricking at my eyes and I knew the deeper we got into this conversation, the higher my chances of breaking down and crying my eyes out were.
"You know me, Jess, I'm not gonna be able to help you decide because I'm biased..." by the sorrow in her voice, I could tell she could sense I was getting upset now. "But if you want to talk about it — to get it out of your system — I'm happy to listen."
"It should be a blatantly easy decision, but it's not! It's like... Liam is kind, caring, an old friend that loves me, but what does Harry bring to the table?" I started to sniffle, my eyes welling up and my voice getting shaky, "What is it that's making this so difficult? What is it about him that's holding me back from telling him I don't want him? Harry's just some self-centred arse that thinks everyone's at his beckoned call, but... there's just... something."
The flood gates had well and truly opened; I was sobbing, and Mckenzie scooted over to comfort me.
"I just— I... I don't know! And I'm coming to realise that I'm a total bítch for what I'm doing to Liam, and as much as I don't want to say it, it's not fair on Harry either. Either way I'm going to make someone mad by what I do."
"Liam wouldn't be mad," Mckenzie cooed softly, stroking my hair like I was a lost puppy. Part of me wanted to go off on one about how she was doing the exact same thing Harry was by assuming I would choose him, but I knew that she was really trying to assure me that Liam wouldn't be mad, but she couldn't exactly say the same for Harry.
My phone started buzzing on the coffee table, interrupting this heart to heart. Twice in one day? My popularity levels must be rising.
Mckenzie picked it up and looked at the screen, almost cringing when she looked over it. "Speak of the devil..."
"Harry?" I hate that I was kind of hopeful.
"Liam," she corrected, and I swore I started crying harder.
"I can't answer it!" I panicked, waving my arms at her like it would benefit me in some way.
"I will," she stated, and before I could protest, the phone was at her ear.
"Hi, Liam, it's Mckenzie," she put on her best fake happy voice. "She's... lost her voice," she looked helplessly at me, definitely not content with her on the spot fib.
After a few moments of silence, Mckenzie said, "I'll ask her, one second."
"Okay, Liam wants to pick you up and take you out and you're going," she told me, and I felt a wave of worry pass through me before I started slapping her arm and begging her not to tell him I would.
"She said sure, pick her up from my house. Okay, bye!"
I was screaming. I was in full on 'I'm-about-to-die-please-turn-back-time-and-undo-what-you-just-did' mode — crying hysterically. Was she crazy? Did she want me to run away and never come back?
"I know you hate me right no—"
"Understatement of the year!" I screeched, still slapping at her.
"But this is what you need! The more time you spend with him, the more you'll come to realise he's a boring sap—" I glared at her angrily, "I mean... It'll help you make up your mind."
"I'm going to die! I'm going to actually drop dead right this second!"
"Oh shut up, stop overreacting and let's make it look like you weren't just throwing a strop."
———————
When Liam came to the door to pick me up, I was beyond reluctant to go. I wanted to hold onto Mckenzie's leg or hide behind the sofa like a baby so that I didn't have to go with him, which was pathetic.
He was ever so polite, as usual, and he was chatting away non stop. I didn't have a lot to say in response, but I tried not to look like the miserable cow I was being. Of course he brought up the fact that I was in fact speaking, and wanted to know how I'd gotten my voice back so quickly, which I kind of had to bluff and just say I didn't know and that it was a miracle, blah blah blah.
He took me to the shopping centre to have a look around and stop somewhere for dinner, which would've been lovely if I wasn't thinking about whether or not I actually liked him anymore the entire time. I couldn't stop myself from comparing him to Harry, and being disappointed when I realised Harry would never do any of this for me, but still trying to make excuses for him. He could hardly bare being seen with me in public, yet I still liked him.
"That's nice," Liam said as I took a brief glance over a dress on a rail in whatever shop we were in. I was just walking around and looking at random articles of clothing, pretending I was at all interested, with Liam following me.
"Yeah, it's okay," I commented, starting to walk away.
"Try it on," he urged, and I turned to face him nervously. He was looking at me happily — cluelessly — as he picked up the hanger and held it out for me. "Please? For me?" he batted his eyelashes at me and chuckled.
An instant pang of guilt, was what I felt.
"Umm... okay," I gave in, taking the hanger from him and walking towards the changing rooms.
I walked into the empty change room after Liam sat down on the bench outside, insisting I come out and show him how it looks when I'd changed. I took off my jeans and jumper and put on the dress — it was a very light pink, almost nude colour, with a few sequins or whatever they were here and there. it was tight at the top and flowed loosely at the bottom, kind of like the type of dress you'd wear to a prom or wedding or something. Quite fancy, but nice.
As I looked at myself in the mirror, the dress wasn't what I saw, though. I looked awful — my face looked awful, I mean. It was obvious I wasn't happy and I had no idea how Liam hadn't brought it up. All I saw staring back at me was a selfish, ungrateful brat.
I composed myself and walked out to the entrance of the dressing rooms to show Liam the dress, my heart feeling like it'd broken in half when his eyes lit up and he smiled in adoration.
"You look amazing, Jess. You have to get it! I'll get it for you."
"Uh— No, I don't think... Umm..."
"I'll get it for you, don't worry about it," he was still smiling and I wanted to tear off my own head I felt that horrible.
Ignoring his offer, I went back into the little room and changed back into my clothes. When I found him again afterwards, he wouldn't take no for an answer. I agreed to buy the dress, but I wouldn't let him buy it for me, I couldn't let him do that.
We went to the tills and I put the dress on the counter. The overly-dressed girl behind the desk scanned it, taking her time folding it up and placing it in a bag for me, before saying, "That'll be 49.99 then, please."
Another smack to the face. I hadn't realised it was going to be that much, and there was no way I would've bought it if I'd have known, but it was too late now and my anxiety was screaming at me not to embarrass myself by telling her I didn't want it anymore.
Liam must've noticed my apprehension and he pulled out his wallet, "I'll buy it, Jess, seriously."
"No, Liam, I— No. I've got it," I fought back shakily, pulling out my own purse and silently praying I had more than enough on my card. I could just return it another day and he wouldn't even know, right?
"Don't be silly," he persisted, rummaging through his wallet and pulling out cash.
"Liam—"
"Jess, it's okay."
"Liam, please!" I cried out desperately. I'd snapped. I don't know why, but I was almost crying again. My hands were shaking and my eyes were filling with water and I felt like I was going to break down for the second time today, but I couldn't do that in front of the cashier and anyone else who happened to be watching. I must've looked completely insane almost screaming about who was going to pay for a dress, but I was slipping. "Please just let me buy it, please Liam. Just... please."
He backed off, understandably. His eyes were full of concern and confusion as he held out his hands like he was trying to calm me down. He put his wallet back in his pocket and I could see him thinking, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
"Okay, okay," he said softly, "You pay."
I breathed, turning back to the store employee with slight embarrassment as I shoved my card into the machine to pay for the stupid dress. She was very careful when she spoke to me, like she was treading on eggshells as we continued the purchase, and she her expression when she told me to 'have a good day' was one of complete nervousness.
Afterwards, we headed upstairs to the floor where all the food places were located, neither of us saying a word. We got in line to eat at an American diner type place in silence, and the waitress escorted us to our table way too cheerily, not having a clue what'd just happened.
Once we were sat down and scanning the menus, I knew Liam was dying to say something.
"Jess, are you... Is everything okay?"
Pause.
"Yeah."
"Are you sure? You don't seem okay..."
"I'm sure, Liam. I don't know what came over me," I lied, "I'm... I'm sorry. Back there, that was ridiculous," I forced a smile and diverted my gaze back to the words in front of me that weren't going in no matter how many times I read over them, I just wanted him to drop the subject.
I wasn't okay. I was losing it.
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Remember to vote and comment if you're enjoying the story!
I'm gonna jump straight into my question(s) for you first:
Do you feel sorry for Jess or do you think she's being a cow? What about Harry, what do you think about how he's behaving?
The answer you're all waiting for is quickly approaching, so what do you think is going to happen? What do you want to happen?
Q: @all3gra (it never lets me tag you, soz): do you plan out the events that you want to happen before you write them or do you just let it all out and see what you come up with on the spot?
A: In the long run, I've planned out some of the main things I want to happen in the story, but not everything. When it comes to writing each chapter, I kind of have an idea of what I want it to come out like, but I just start writing it and see where I end up really, hahaha.
Highlight with a Q!
I can't believe this story got a whole one thousand more reads since the last chapter, by the way, that is insane! Thank you so much to everyone who reads Illicit, I love you all! I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it.
Love,
E x