#SAT9S
DEDICATED TO : SHARMAINE MAE BULUSAN
CHAPTER 54 : CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
No one wants to talk about it. I also don't want to open it up. It was like an open secret between me and the Marvals. One should pay respect to a family's seclusion, particularly if you're an outsider. I am the outsider and I shouldn't have witnessed them struggle. It was a private matter and I am no family member. At certain times, I castigate myself. If it has nothing to do with me, then why the fuck did I stay? If the random occurrences weren't as good as what I've expected, do I still have to witness the rest of it?
The feeling is foreign. I can't name it, or maybe I refuse to recognize its label. For the first time, I've got a hard time thinking of a solution to a problem which wasn't totally about me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagsasayang din ako ng oras para mag-isip tungkol ro'n. The most strangest thing that I have to deal with was the promise I've said to Rhea. It slipped on my tongue like a common quote, like it was the most natural feelings that I've put into words. I don't feel any regret upon saying it but it terrifies me to death. It's like I was impel by menace. Nakakatakot dahil noon ko lang 'yon ginawa.
Rhea breaks one more record. The effect is earth-shattering and I end up asking myself how many of my records can she break. Hindi pa rin kami masyadong magkakilala at wala rin naman siyang ginawa para magkalapit kami. A give-and-take agreement isn't my forte. I don't usually compromise with people if the advantage wasn't on my side. That's my way to ensure my own benefits. The way I negotiate in my business is another case. You may say it's inveterate selfishness. Self-regarding isn't as bad as what other people think. Hindi ko gawaing tumulong ng walang kapalit pero dahil sa nangyari sa kanya, mukhang magagawa ko ang hindi ko nagagawa dati. I usually go for what's favorable on me but here I am, putting my word of honor on stake. Placing a bet to a fifty-fifty proposition with no benefits to receive after the deal.
I almost laugh on my own stupidity. Deal? Who am I kidding? Rhea haven't deal with me. Neither the rest of her family. I willingly offered to help. Out of pity? Anger? Fuck the reasons behind my decision. I can't take it back. Hell or high water, I won't take it back.
"I'm sorry. Minsan ka na nga lang magbakasyon, ito pa ang mangyayari." I was able to have a sensible talk with Rex. Ryan refused to talk with anyone out of anger. Roy also kept mum about it. No one knows what was running to his head. Kahit naman no'n ay siya ang mahirap basahin sa magkakapatid. While their father tries his best to make his children look on the positive side. I admire his will but it seems pathetic.
I didn't answer back. For now, I can't rely on words.
"Kailan ka babalik sa Amerika?" Tanong niya.
"Two weeks from now." I cleared my throat. "What about Ryan and Roy? Hangga't kailan sila rito."
"Next week sana." He paced the floor as he let out a deep sigh. "Hindi ko alam kung iuurong nila. Aalis rin sana akong Auckland. May tinanggap akong project sa countryside."
"You can't just leave without solving the problem." I almost snapped.
"Papa might stay."
"Your sister might need you. Paano kung sabay-sabay kayong aalis? You can't leave her like that, emotionally drained. She needs assistance." I don't know why I seemed very affected. Maybe it's due to. . .
He nodded. "We're finding a good doctor-"
He didn't say anything wrong but something urged me to cut his words. "That's just secondary. She needs a family to depend on."
A big advise came from someone who despise his own family. Great, Aslejo. That was one hell of a joke.
I don't know why I seemed piss about their choices. Priorities should be done first. Oh, hell, I know it! They have jobs to keep, dreams to ponder, goals to achieve or whatever they want to reach but fuck those things without thinking twice! There are things to consider before that. Things that matter the most. Masmahalaga ba ang mga 'yon kaysa sa kapatid niya? And who the hell am I to interfere? I should've fuck myself first.
"We'll see." Rex said with uncertainty. I fight the urge to punch him. The asshole must be numb or we simply don't have the same wavelengths for him to understand my logic. I thought he's smart. I wonder if Ryan and Rex will answer the same thing. Hindi ko na dinagdag ang huling tanong ko.
They stayed in the hospital for three days. They offered to let me stay in their home which I politely declined. I didn't want to intrude further. I fight the urge to ask for more details. I was trying to kill my curiosity by living afar from them, and dying to know Rhea's condition at the same time. On my fifth day in New Zealand, Ryan pay me a visit.
"I thought you change your mind." I crossed my arms and leaned my back on the wall. Ryan sat on a single couch. Halata ang pagiging problemado.
"I didn't. I changed my plans due to. . ." He didn't finish the sentence and just shook his head.
"What's the difference?"
"Kailangan ko bumalik sa New York. I only have 3 days left."
I frowned. "Who will stay with your sister?"
"Papa might stay for a month. Rex already left yesterday. He'll come back in three weeks. Naka-schedule ang flight namin ni Roy sa Friday."
I didn't trust myself to speak back because the words in my head are willfully meant to offend him. I grinned sarcastically. I thought they were different. I've stayed with Rhea's brothers for years and I even thought they are a good replacement to my real brothers because I fucking consider them like one. But I guess I was wrong and that made me pity Rhea at the greatest extent. Hindi ba alam ng mga taong 'to kung ano ang sinasayang nila?
Don't get me wrong. They are still my friends. Nothing much have changed. I just realized that their family aren't as ideal as what I thought. There were flaws. Ang buong akala ko ay matatag sila. Yung klase ng pamilya na malayo sa kinalakihan ko. I was wrong. May kaunting pagkakapareho rin pala.
"How is she?" Hindi ko napigilang magtanong.
"Coping up. Nakakausap na namin kahit papaano. Ayaw niyang manatili nang masmatagal sa ospital. Ayaw niya na ring magpa-check up."
"You should've forced her. It's for her own sake." I snapped. That was one stupid suggestion, I know.
"We can't. We're afraid. Baka suicidal pa rin siya. We're still thinking a better plan. Sa ngayon, wala pa kaming desisyon. Papa wants to take her back in the Phil. Ayoko naman pumayag dahil baka mas lalong hindi makabuti sa kanya." His face grim. "We never thought na aabot sa ganito. I've never seen my sister that helpless."
I didn't want to conclude, nor assume. There will always be a better version of the story and the one who've been on that situation is the best person who can narrate it. That's only Rhea. I wanted to hear it from her. Though, forcing her to speak up was out of my idea. I just want to dig deeper. Malaman ang masmalalim na parte ng kwento.
"May I see her?"
He sighed as he leaned on his seat. "Actually, she was asking for you. I never thought she'll get attached to you."
I stiffened. I never thought she would ask for me after the little conversation we had on the hospital. That piece of information brings warmness inside me. The things she could make me feel without inserting much effort. Such an unusual emotion. I think I'm going crazy.
I couldn't explain why I suddenly felt antsy before I enter her room. Maybe I was afraid she would remind me how foolish I had been when that promise slipped out of my mouth, or maybe because I don't want to witness more of her sufferings. There were a lot of ideas running into my head along with these stupid reasons. Habang dumadagdag ay mas bumibigat sa pakiramdam.
"Hindi ka naman siguro rapist?"
I got startled when someone suddenly spoke behind me. Nakita kong ang ama nila Ryan 'yon. "Sir?"
"Can't you understand Filipino? I heard you talking with Ryan earlier."
"Nakakaintindi."
He frowned. "Sino ang nagturo sayo?"
I tried to be polite. He seems unpleased by my words. I wonder if I said something wrong. Oh, shut it. I'm old to be polite. "My nanny. Nung bata pa ako. She's a Filipina."
"Hindi ka ba niya tinuruan mag-'po' at mag-'opo' sa nakatatanda sayo?"
I think about it for a moment. I shook my head when I finally convinced myself that nanny haven't mention something like that. "Sorry, Sir. I didn't know."
Then, he smiled and tapped my left shoulder. "Not a big deal, hijo. Kilala mo ba lahat ng anak ko?"
I nodded. "Yes, Sir."
"Even Rhea?"
"I met her last year. Nagbakasyon ako rito dati."
"Glad to hear that." He paused for a moment. "I want to thank you for paying her a visit. As you can see, we don't want to spread the news. Gusto ko sanang may dumalaw na kaibigan niya rito pero ayoko ring mag-iba ang tingin ng mga tao sa anak ko dahil sa ginawa niya. Ayokong may maririnig akong kung anu-ano patungkol sa nangyari kaya masmagandang atin-atin na lang ito. Mapagkakatiwalaan ka naman siguro."
"Yes, Sir. You don't have to worry. I can keep it a secret."
"Aasahan ko 'yan." He frowned, then gave up a lifeless laugh seconds apart. "Kinakausap kita pero hindi ko alam ang pangalan mo."
"Shinn Aslejo."
"I'll count you, Shinn." He tapped my shoulder once again. "Please, bear with my daughter. She badly needs a friend right now."
Robi Marval's pleading words added more pressure but I didn't seem to mind. I've been working by myself for years and years of independence made me misunderstood the people who mostly depend on others. I thought they were naturally born as weaklings. How insensitive of me to think that way.
Rhea made me understand. The misjudgement was corrected and I think there's more to find out.
The door made a screeching sound as I opened it. I saw her typing in front of her laptop. She turned to me when she felt my presence and suddenly stopped what she's doing. She closed her laptop. She wasn't as pale as before but she was skinnier. I let out an exasperated sigh. I hate to see her like this. She used to be a sophisticated lady.
"You look like hell." I pulled a chair and sat in front of her bed.
"Perhaps, I've been there." She croaked, and I cursed myself. Agad kong pinagsisihan ang sinabi ko.
"I'm sorry. Can't hold my mouth." I sighed once again. "I won't bother ask if you're fine. It's obvious that you are not." Matabang kong dugtong.
"At least, you won't stress the obvious." She hugged her pillow. "Tell me, ano na ang tingin mo sa akin? Mababaw na ba ako sa paningin mo? Do you think I'm insane or-" She stopped on the middle of the sentence to bit her lip. Pinipigilan niyang umiyak. "I feel horrible. Siguro tinatawanan mo na ako."
"I don't think suicide is a laughable topic."
She closed her eyes tightly. "It's foolish."
"It is, but not in the way you think."
"I just want to escape." She answered in a hoarse voice.
"You should've called me. That's an easy piece, Rhea."
Guilt rushed down on me. I was the one who refused to communicate with her. I was the one who cut all the strings because I took these fucking strange feelings as bad signs. I got scared. No. It got me terrified. I don't want the feeling of being uncertain, that's why. Now, I realize who was the real coward. Rhea was brave enough to face death, while I had lack of braveness to face the truth. Who's on the worst case?
"I throw all the choices. Parang wala naman kasing para sa akin. It's all worthless."
"That's not enough reason to end your life. There will always be a better choice. Not death. Don't be unfair, Rhea. That's not even self-satisfying." I didn't want to preach her about it. I might end up hurting her already battered feelings.
"Then, what? Wala namang makakaintindi." She said bitterly. "There was no other escape. I don't want to experience the same pain."
I didn't speak back but in my mind, I want to assure her that I'm willing to understand her reasons, no matter how shallow it would be.
"I told you I'll find another escape for you." I murmured.
I never offered my kind of escape to anyone but her. I wasn't good on advises because I'm far from being a saint. I only have two types of influence - the shrewdness of a businessman and the badass attitude of a bad boy. What was the escape I offered to Rhea? It's a part of my world.
"B-Bakit tayo nandito? Gabi na. Ba't pa tayo pumunta rito? I. . .I thought we'll just gonna buy something." Tanong niya sa akin nang papasok kami sa Sky City.
"We'll party."
"You should experience Auckland's vibrant nightlife. Spending time with a friend in a grandeur cocktail bar and dance the night away at a live gig. Come on. This is gonna be fun."
"I don't usually drink and party-"
Nilapit ko ang bibig ko sa tainga niya. I whispered sensually. "Cut all the ties, feisty. Loosen up. Remember the escape?"
She looked at me incredulously. "A-Are you serious?"
"Dead serious." I said drily.
We enter the hall. Hindi naman mukhang bago sa kanya ang lugar pero nararamdaman kong naiilang siya sa sobrang lapit namin. I grinned and pulled her more.
"Shinn, ano ba?"
"The escape has rules. Suicidal creatures aren't excluded." Her face flushed. She must've felt shame. "Too late for regrets. We must swallow it whole or forget it temporarily for tonight. Masmadali yung huli, di ba?"
She gulped. "What rules?"
I grinned mischievously. "You'll see."
So, we dine first. Then, we waste the night by drinking cocktails. I gave her the hard ones.
"One more Noble Hobbit." Nang makuha ko ang order ay inabot ko ulit sa kanya. Sinimsim niya 'yon nang paunti-unti hanggang sa maubos.
"You're a bad influence, Shinn." Bulong niya. I almost roll my eyes. That's just her fourth shot and she seems totally blasted.
"You're a stiff like your brothers." I shook my head in disbelief. "Is this your first time?"
Nagulat ako nang paluin niya ako sa braso. "No! Marunong ako uminom! Hindi lang palagi!"
I winced. "Tone-down your voice. Lasing ka na."
"No! Kaya ko pa."
"Sure?"
"Sure!"
"Then, let's dance." I drag her to the dancefloor.
"H-hey!" Hinapit ko siya sa akin. I started to move along with the music and she's not moving.
"Come on. Move with me." I grind my body on her. I held her hips but she started to resist.
"Shinn." Natauhan siya. I grinned. Come on. Fight me. I don't want you weak. I don't want to see you helpless. I won't give you a name that doesn't suits you. You're feisty, right?
I gently bit her exposed neck and I heard her gasped. Tinulak niya ako at sinampal. My grin widened. That's it. I pulled her once again. "Number one rule. No reservations for tonight." I placed a kiss on her cheek down to her neck once again. She froze for the second time. "Only for tonight. You can kill me tomorrow morning."
I bet, by tomorrow, I have to face not just Rhea, but also the wrath of her brothers. We never go beyond kissing. I was the one who initiate and I never thought she can be a real stiff. I didn't feel her move. She didn't kiss me back. How shameful. She wasted a very precious chance.
The rest of the night was a fail. She vomited and I was forced to wash her up. Hindi ko na siya naiuwi at napilitang mag-check in sa malapit na hotel.
"Babysitting you isn't included on the list." I was a little bit tipsy but was trying to fight the urge to close my eyes.
Her eyes was slightly open. She point a finger on me. "This. . .is. . .all your fault. Sum. . .bong kita kay Papa."
"You're twenty-two pero nagsusumbong ka pa rin?" I scooped her into my arms. "You're a daddy's girl, aren't you? Ahh, so much for my pity."
Nawala ang antok ko nang sampalin niya ako. "Fuck!"
Then, she laughed. "Serves. . .you right." She hiccupped afterwards.
"You take. . .advantage of. . .me! Sumbong kita kay. . .Kuya." I placed her own the bed. Binagsak ko ang sarili ko sa tabi niya.
"Go on. Bluff all you want. I'm gonna sleep." I already closed my eyes when she speak again.
"You kissed me. L-Lagot ka. . .kay Ren." Humina ang boses niya sa huli. I opened my eyes once again and turned to her.
"Tell me about your jackass ex."
"He's not my ex." She throw her arms at me. Malakas na bumagsak 'yon sa tiyan ko. I ended up wincing on the impact. "He's. . .my soon-to-be-husband. We. . .should've been married this year."
"How did you two meet?" And why am I asking about them?
"Can't remember. He's always there. Always been there." Her voice was low. Must be hard for her to speak about the past.
"Childhood friend?"
"Nah. We're enemies at first. We weren't in good terms. . .'til our last year in high school." She answered in a sleepy voice. She's getting a lot of sense when she's drunk, huh? I should've recorded our conversation but I was too lazy and tired to get my phone. And fuck, where the hell is my phone?
"Then, how did you end up loving an enemy?"
"I. . .can't remember." She let out a lifeless laugh. "And did I. . .ever mention to you that he's a bully? He loves making me cry. Then. . .and now. Didn't have a good childhood memories because of him."
"Really?" A bitter smile formed in my lips. "That makes the two of us. I didn't have a good childhood memories, too."