I began tearing up uncontrollably once I realized that Billie had actually left me. I had no fucking idea why. He refused to talk to me and acted like I didn't exist? Why would he do that? What could have happened that may have caused that?
I took a seat on his porch, waiting and hoping that he would come back for me. Did he really storm out because of the easy mac? No, he was leaving anyways. They always leave.
Time slowly passed by. A few minutes here and there. My tears kept streaming. One minute felt like one year, and ten years must have went by.
All of the sudden, the front door swung open. I quickly looked back and wiped back my tears to see who it was.
"Layla? Oh my God! Are you okay? I thought you left me, I couldn't find you anywhere!"
It was Billie Joe? It was Billie Joe!!!
"Billie?" I try to reaffirm through my sobs.
"Holy fuck! Why are you crying?" He came running over to me and immediately embraced me in a huge hug.
"How did you get back in the house?" I attempt to stop weeping like a child.
"What do you mean? I never left? Layla? What happened? You look like a mess!" He took a finger to my cheek and began wiping my tears one by one. "It hurts me inside to see you like this," he tells me.
I look him in his green eyes and can see how much he cares about me. What just happened?
"Where were you?" I question with sniffles.
"I was searching the house for my family. After five minutes, I came back downstairs but no one was here. I looked everywhere, but you were nowhere to be found. Tell me why you were crying."
He pushes my hair back behind my ear and tries to smile to cheer me up, but I was still so baffled by everything.
"Well, I was in your back room behind the kitchen, and I saw you trying to warm up some food, but you were ignoring me and getting all flustered. That's when you got a phone call and—"
Wait...Billie is in my dream, who could have possibly called him? He doesn't have a phone! Oh my God...did I just witness the real Billie? Actual Billie? I'm-living-in-the-real-world-Billie? Holy...
"And? Come on, Lay! Tell me, hun."
"Oh my God," I express.
"What's going on?"
"It was you! It was the real you! That's why you were ignoring me! You couldn't see me! I had another vision, or something of the sorts. Billie, you were making your lunch, and then someone called and you were swearing at them and on your way out of the house. I thought it was you, not the actual Billie, so I began following you out and yelling at you and nudged you, and you dropped your easy mac and left pissed off. I thought you were being a dick and ignoring me, but you were up stairs the whole time!"
"So, you saw other me? Again? I was here? Did you see my wife? My kids?" His voice gets higher and faster.
"No, I don't think anyone else was home. You were just talking to yourself. You seemed so frustrated at everything though. It nerved me to see you so upset."
Billie turned his head towards the street and squinted his eyes a bit.
"I remember."
"Remember what?" I ask.
"I remember being so edgy all the time. Everything pissed me off. I was always stressed the fuck out. The only moments I wasn't was when I was writing, playing music, or sometimes when I was with Addy."
I gulped. "Sometimes?"
"I love her to death, I swear I do," his voice gets a little shaky. "But we go through so many ups and downs that when I do see her, I can never tell if it'll be for the better or for the worse."
My heart nearly stopped hearing that. I love Billie...I want to see him happy. I don't ever want to hear that the love of his life can bring him anger, and I know that goes both ways.
"That's why I was so pleased when you told me you saw the two of us being happy together. It really gave me hope that everything was going to be okay."
I didn't know how to respond. He looked a little choked up. I pat his head and ran my fingers through his sticky hair. He instantly grabbed my waist and pulled me in closer. Oh my.
"I miss her." He finally reveals.
"I know you do," I begin massaging his back to calm him down. He was definitely the type to need some sort of touch to help him relax. Whenever he was wound up, he instantly cooled down when someone just patted him. I could tell he thought people worked like him, because every time I got worked up, he would grab my hand or hug me. Such a sweetheart.
"I'm such a prick!" He whines.
"Don't say that, Billie."
"Why not? I am! You just saw the real me, cursing at loved ones and leaving my fucking home a mess. I fucking freaked out over an easy mac. That's why my wife hates me sometimes, I don't have a fucking chill button!"
The tension began to grow between us.
"Billie, relax. The more you freak out, the more you become like him. Don't become like him. Just relax."
"But I am him, Layla! I'm a piece of shit. I treat everyone like a piece of shit. For the longest time, I thought I wanted to go back. Find my way back home. But what does that mean? Does it mean I become an asshole again? I don't want that. I like who I am when I'm with you. It's an adventure. It's a mystery. It's a whole lot of watching out for each other, but it feels right. It feels right, to be with you. Maybe that's why I'm here with you. To become a better person. I swear Layla, I fucking swear if I ever get home and I remember all of this, I'm going to change. I'm going to be a better person. For my fans, for my kids, for Tre & Mike, for my wife...and most importantly, for you. I'm going to be better for you."
His words struck a chord in me. Billie opening up to me always gave me chills and made me appreciate every minute I was with him.
"You weren't shitty when you met me, Billie. You were really nice for spending time with me," I attempt to make him feel better.
He nodded his head no in apprehension.
"Don't you fucking get it? I was only nice to you because you were the only one who recognized me for hours! If it were reality, I probably would have ran away from you, Layla. And that's the sickening truth."
He was literally killing me inside. I could feel the tension just build up in my heart. I want to protect him. I want to tell him everything is okay.
"I would have too, Billie! No one can blame you for that. I don't expect you to treat each and every one of your fans in the world to dinner. That doesn't make sense either."
Billie jumps up and paces around.
"I appreciate you saying that, but that's no excuse either. There's never an excuse to be an asshole for no fucking reason. You can't defend that, Layla. Don't try to, either."
"I won't." I tell him while standing. "No one is perfect, Billie. Everyone has pressure on them, especially people like you. No, it's no reason to be an asshole. But you've realized that, and now you can work on improving. That's what matters, Billie. Nothing else."
He turns to face me and looks me in the eye.
"How can I get myself to improve if I'm stuck in a little girl's dream?"
All these tough questions...did he really expect me to have an answer?
"You may be lost in my head now, but we're getting closer to escaping. I can feel it. Just have faith, Billie. Everything will be okay, I promise."
"How do you know?"
"I can sense it, remember my whole sense thing? I bet you can feel it. Just look in your heart, and you can feel it. I know."
The tiniest smile cracked from his face.
"Bullshit," his lips perked.
I grinned.
"Are you going to be okay? I'm here for you, Billie. I'm not going anywhere."
Billie nods his head in acknowledgment.
"You're the only reason I know it's going to be okay."
.* * *
"The guitar was in your room?" Billie questions with surprise.
"Yeah, but how does that make any sense? Where did you even get it from?"
Billie and I were sitting by the fire on a beautiful beach, roasting marshmallows for s'mores with some shit that we raided from his kitchen.
"I don't remember. It was just a dream, the guitar was conveniently there?" he assumes.
"I don't know," I trail off. "It was like the dream world was slipping into reality. It really messed up my mind, yah know? I haven't been that disoriented since that day in the park."
"Oh my God..."
"What? Is everything okay?" I quickly examine.
"Your marshmallow is on fire."
I start laughing. "Yeah, so?"
"Blow it out!"
"I'm not finished yet, dumbass."
"It's literally on fire."
"I'm aware." I begin watching the fire engulf the marshmallow. I don't blow it out until the whole piece is black and charcoaled.
"That's disgusting."
"Oh boohoo! You're probably one of those lame toasty brown people, huh?"
"Uh, GOLDEN brown, actually."
"Snob!"
I grab a graham cracker and split it in half, accompanying it with some chocolate.
"Ten years will go by before you get that thing perfect."
"So I'll wait."
Billie is so focused on perfecting his marshmallow that he was paying no attention to me. I waited for the perfect moment to get up, sneak behind him, and force his marshmallow into the fire.
"What the FUCK!" He screams. He attempts to resist but I keep forcing it in until it catches fire. "You fucking bitch!" He laughs.
I full on take the stick and make his s'more for him.
"Go ahead, eat it!"
"That piece of shit? No thanks!"
"Oh come on, I made it better for you."
"Get lost!"
I tried stuffing the thing into his mouth but he jumped up and began backing away. At that moment, I literally chased after him in circles around the fire. This was the best moment of my life, and I wasn't even awake. We were laughing and running around like kids. Literally a dream come true.
After twenty minutes or so of snacking on s'mores, we pulled out some beach towels and laid side by side. He reached his arm around my shoulders and I huddled close to his chest.
"It's so beautiful here," I tell him. "I've always wanted to move here. One day, I will."
"You want to move to Oakland?"
"Well, I'm not sure where, but definitely California. I'm sick of the cold winters."
"Mhm, don't blame yah," he agrees.
I held him tighter. Why was everything so perfect with him? I could smell the weed off his shirt with a little hint of whiskey, but it was so comforting somehow. He was amazing. He was 43 and he was amazing.
"If I stayed here with you forever, I wouldn't miss a thing back home," I admit while gazing into the stars with the fire crackling in the background.
Billie took a deep breath in unison with the waves crashing on the shore.
"I like things the way they are, right now. I wish you didn't have to leave. I feel so safe with you. It's so weird. I still have a hard time believing in it, yah know?"
He began massaging my shoulder with the one hand that was already wrapped around me.
"Billie, I feel a little bad. I know we aren't really doing anything wrong, and that this is technically a dream...but what about your wife?"
He didn't answer for a little while.
"All I have is you, Layla. I don't know when or if I'll see Addy again. All I have is you. I need to be touched to be okay. It's the only thing that helps me. And I love you, Layla. Without you I'm lost and alone. You get to wake up and remember everything. Right now, you are my everything."
I leaned on my right side to face him. We were so close together. Maybe we would get another chance. Maybe I should kiss him first. He leaned to face me, and we both smiled. We both pulled in a little closer.
His breaths got heavier. My whole body began shivering.
"Are you cold, princess?"
"Just a little."
He pulls me in closer until we are literally hugging in the sand. That's when things started to get real. He came in and pecked me on the cheek. I grinned like an idiot. He seductively giggled at my remark, and pecked me on the lips.
"How does that feel?" He smoothly questions.
"Kiss me, you fool."
Perfection got better that instant. His warm lips hit mine and caused this explosion in my heart. I can honestly say I had never felt better. His kiss was a remedy. It was a medicine to my soul. It was everything I could have ever wanted. It was short. It was sweet.
"I love you, Billie," I whisper to him.
"I love you, Layla."
We continued to holdeach other tight as we fell into a slumber. I had slipped into reality.