please listen to 'time forgotten' (music that will make you cry - sad violin) as you read. it has no lyrics but it's just the instrumental of a violin but it's beautiful. anyways enjoy :D
Ariana.
"Why don't we go home and come back in the morning? Get some rest, maybe," Niall suggested.
Liam only shot Niall a shut-up-that's-a-bad-idea look before Niall nodded. We had been huddled up in this group hug for about five minutes as I clung tightly to any piece of clothing I felt as four arms wrapped around me comfortably. I was incredibly broken, the amount of heartache and agony I was in was immense. It was honestly unbearable, I felt it sizzling all over my being which only made it worse. Although I was mentally and emotionally wrecked, I had stopped crying.
I was on the verge of another breakdown, I let the vile in my throat rise and I felt the tears in my eyes almost spill but nothing came out. My breath came out in short, rattled spurs and my body shook with every sob that wracked through my being; but my eyes remained dry. The unrelenting sobs shook through my body over and over again but it was as if I had ran out of tears. The annihilating pain sizzled all over my body and seared a hole straight through my chest.
The ache in my chest was something I'd have to get used to, because this is what my life would be like. There would be no happiness, no warmth, no playfulness. There would be no one to lighten me, to teach me to see the beauty of the world. Most devastatingly, there would be no love, because there would be no Harry.
"I want to wait till he wakes up, I'm not leaving until he wakes up," I mumbled into Liam's chest. "I can't leave him."
After a few more minutes of being locked in our embrace I had managed to control my breathing and sit back down on the uncomfortable cushioned chair. My leg bounced anxiously and I bit my nails. Every second that ticked by seemed to stretch on for years and was chipping away at any emotional control I had left.
Anne and the rest of the few guest that happened to be related to Harry had returned a few minutes ago. There was not much news on Harry and his condition, though. When Anne walked back into the waiting area, her eyes were red and puffy, obvious traces of tears glistened in her eyes.
My hands were shaking and my skin was hot, my mind and body too overwhelmed with stress and anxiety. My breathing was shaky and every breath I drew came in short hiccups. My heart was pounding loudly in my skull and my pulse was strumming against my skull in a rhythm that only made my head hurt even more.
Niall and Liam had switched spots so Niall sat quietly on my right side as Dr Kissinger sat on my left side. Nobody talked much, we sulked in this dead silence and let our thoughts fill the silence of the room. A gentle squeeze of Niall's hand resting atop of mine ripped me from my deep thoughts. Everyone seemed to do that a lot because I was always in such deep agonizing thoughts.
My knee stopped bouncing as I shifted my attention to Niall, his eyes were red and puffy because we both have been crying for a while now. He intertwined our fingers in a friendly manner, comforting us both. He clamped his eyes shut before they shot back open, the blue irises glowing with traces of tears.
"Do y-you know why I feel so guilty, Ari?" Niall stuttered. I cleared my throat and stared at him intently, expecting him to continue. "I-I feel so guilty about this whole thing because I never got to make amends with him,"
"What do you mean?" I questioned, my brow arching up in confusion.
"Remember the time I was being a dick to Harry and we ended up psychically fighting in the middle of the street?" Niall asked. He struggled to keep eye contact with me as he let the tears fill his eyes but not spill over. I nodded and began rubbing the soft skin on the back of his hand with my thumb. "We haven't talked since then, I never apologized to him for throwing those cruel things at his face like that."
Niall wiped the corners of his eyes with his white tee shirt before drawing in a deep breath. "I was such a fucking dick to him, Ariana. What I said could've triggered him into s-swallowing all those pills, it's all my fault." He sobbed silently.
I pulled him in and let him rest his head in the crook of my neck as I gently ran my nails through his scalp. "It's not your fault, Niall. I know you feel bad for throwing that shit to his face like that but I doubt that triggered him into doing what he did; he is much stronger than that. He wouldn't let anyones words get to him."
"B-But what if he is doesn't make it," Niall sobbed. His words alone only shot a white-hot spear straight through my heart. I feared that ever since I saw his body lying on the ground with a bottle of pills in his hand, I just never thought some one would say it out loud. "I never got to say goodbye, I never got to apologize, I never got to hug him again, I never got to laugh with him again. If I never get to apologize to him the guilt will die with me, Ariana. I miss my best friend so fucking much." He choked out, his sobs echoing throughout the area.
A few people shot us saddened glares as they heard Niall release the rest of his sobs. Even Liam rubbed at Niall's back as he sobbed uncontrollably.
"I-I miss him too, but you have to stop thinking that he is gone because there is a possibility that he's not. We just have to hope for the best right now." I gently replied, mostly telling that to myself rather than Niall. I softly pressed a kiss to his forehead in a comforting gesture. He didn't react much to it, he only squeezed my hand tighter in his.
After repeating a few comforting things to his ear, Niall pulled away after pressing a gentle kiss to my nose. He didn't seem to stop crying, though, neither did Liam as they were locked into a manly embrace. The sight only warmed my heart and make a pathetic smile etch onto the corners of my lips.
My smile faded as the familiar looking doctor walked into the room which only made my heart plummet even deeper into the pit of my chest. I abruptly stood to my feet as I watched the doctor with hopeful eyes. Niall stood by my side and took my hand in his, his other hand occupied by Liam's.
"We had some minor complications during his surgery but he should be alright. He has not awaken yet, though."
"Can we see him now?" I asked again, my tone impatient and worried.
"Not yet, he is not in good shape at the moment." He murmured as he stared down at the clipboard in his hands.
"It's been six fucking hours, what do you mean he's not in good shape?!" I snapped, my impatience and stress getting the best of me.
"He is really weak right now, ma'm." He glared at me behind his glasses. "He didn't have much food in his system when we preformed the surgery, he was already in terrible condition."
"I'm his girlfriend, I need to see him now!" I angrily shouted, my hands clenching into fist. Niall gently squeezed my hand to calm me down but it only made me angrier. "Why can't I just see him!"
"Ma'm, please lower your voice." He gently pleaded. "I already said he is not in a great condition, the excessive amount of alcohol in his system only made it worse."
A flicker of anger burst inside me, my patience was growing thin and I was practically seething with anger now. I launched myself forward and dodged past the shocked doctor, trying to get to Harry's room because I was desperate to see him. I was only able to make it a few feet past the waiting room before I was dragged back by Niall and Liam. My body thrashed and my throat burned as I released an angry string of profanities as I was dragged back into the waiting area. I shouted and let the tears streak down my cheeks in frustration. I no longer wanted to be here, I wanted to see Harry but I didn't want to sit in silent room for another six hours.
"Let me go!" I shouted, my voice broken and weak. My breathing was quick and came out in uneven pants but that didn't stop me from thrashing in their arms.
"Ariana, stop!" Niall warned, his voice dropping lowly as he struggled to keep his grip on me.
"This is not fucking fair!"
"We'll see him soon, Ari, please calm down." Liam pleaded, his voice dripping with desperation and sadness.
"Let me go!" I repeated.
"If you don't calm down we won't let you go," Niall said.
My walls were quickly crumbling down, making me weaker by the second. My tears were unrelenting and my body shook with fear, anger, desperation, and stress. I had finally given up, my body was too weak to even fight back; I rather let them drag me back into the waiting room of hell rather than be restrained from moving another second.
"Stop," I choked out. "I'll stop, just let me go."
Niall shot a brow up at Liam before Liam softly nodded in approval. Their grips on my arms were slowly loosening as if they were afraid that I was going to run off again. Once they completely released me, Niall intertwined our fingers to bring me back into the waiting area but I stayed put.
"I-I can't go back in there, Niall." I stuttered, my mind whirling with all the possible things everyone could be saying about me, including Anne.
"Why not?" He asked, obvious confusion set on his soft features.
"I just can't, I need to be alone." I murmured.
"Alright," Niall nodded. "If you need anything I'll be there, just don't go through this alone." He pulled me into another quick embrace before he disappeared into the waiting area.
I drew in a breath before I began my walk to somewhere I could be alone. My knees wobbled with every step I took and my heart pounded loudly against my ribcage. All I could think about was my breakdown only seconds ago and Harry. It was a good thing I told Niall that I needed to be alone, I need to get my thoughts together.
I walk through the silent corridors of the hospital, and pass by the rooms with sleeping patients. I've always hated hospitals. I hate the sanitary smells, the eerie silence, the way your footsteps echo throughout the empty halls, the depressing colors, the sadness of it all. The silence of it all only made my thoughts even louder.
It was all my fault. I could've saved him, I could've stopped, and helped him. I only added onto his emotional pain by never coming back to him. I let him sulk in his loneliness, I was the reason why he overdosed.
I end up sitting down in the middle of the hallway, crying uncontrollably. I can't seem to stop.
I was slowly deteriorating into nothing but insanity.
"Excuse me, is everything alright?" I hear someone ask.
Why can't anyone just leave me alone?
I cry even harder and nod although I am lying. She scurries off as if she never saw me after that.
At some point, Kissinger finds me. Everything seems to be going by in a blur. I don't know how much time has passed that I have been crying.
"You're a real strong girl, Ariana." Kissinger softly whispered after a few minutes of silence. She sat beside me on the ground with her legs extended in front of her because her skirt was too tight to even properly move.
"Why?" I say in a barely audible whisper. I can't even look at her in the eyes.
"Look at you, you've held together for so long." She said.
"No I haven't,"
"Crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. Other people in this situation would break, mentally and emotionally."
"But I am not fine at all." I sniffled.
"No one is actually," She sighed as she stared at the wall before us.
"I'm not strong." I repeated.
"Y'know what, Ariana?" Kissinger sternly said, her tone harsh yet determined to prove a point. "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places."
"And you need to be one of those strong people at the broken places. You need to fight to stay happy because unfortunately, right now you are stuck at an incredibly broken place. You need to remain strong for Harry even if you feel as if your whole world is being crushed around you. Right now he needs you more than ever, you need to remain strong for the both of you to be happy. It's going to take one hell of a time but in the end you'll thank me for it."
It took me a few minutes to process her words. She was right. A small smile etched onto the corners of my lips and my eyes were pouring with tears. I couldn't deny the small spark of hope she just ignited inside me. Maybe Harry and I still had a chance, we could survive through this together just as long as we had each other. I needed to remain strong, not only for me, but for everyone else around me.
I reached out to her and took her hand in mine as I sobbed uncontrollably, my heart extremely thankful to have her at the moment.
"How do you know he'll make it, though?" I gasped through sobs.
"A positive attitude attracts positivity in your life; just as long as you can find that positivity in yourself things will be alright no matter the situation. You have got to believe in your mind, body, and soul that he will be alright and it'll come true if you believe hard enough." She said with a small grin on her lips. She looked as if she wanted to say something else, so I beckoned her to continue.
"Besides, about thirty minutes ago the doctor informed us that we are welcome to see him-" She began but I cut her off by abruptly standing to my feet.
My heart was beating so fast that I was sure it was about to explode any moment. While I was sulking in my loneliness and guilt, we were allowed to see Harry. He was alright. He was most likely awake and breathing.
"No fucking way," I breathed, my voice struck with shock. "Can we see him now?"
"Yes," She grinned widely at my sudden outburst of excitement.
"Is he awake?" I asked impatiently as I bounced on the balls of my feet. Although I was excited to see him, I was terrified that he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I was terrified that just looking at him would make me break all over again. I was terrified that just the sight of him would bring the image of his body on the ground like how I found him six hours ago.
I didn't even realize that I was shaking until Kissinger placed her hands on my shoulders.
"I guess we have to find out," She shrugged. "Are you sure you want to do this, Ariana?"
"Y-Yes," At least I think I do.
"Don't rush yourself into this, Ariana. Just because you can visit him it doesn't mean he is awake." She warned me, possibly preparing me for the worst. I deeply inhaled and nodded. She was right, I need to calm down and prepare for the worst right now.
"Breathe and remember what I told you," She gently squeezed my shoulders as she talked. "You are a fighter, fight for happiness and remain strong even at the most broken place."
Instead of nodding again, I pulled her into a tight embrace. I have never been so thankful to meet such a lovely and supporting woman. She was not only predictable, she went straight to the point.
"Thank you," I whispered softly before we pulled away. I held her hands in mine as I shot her a thankful grin.
"It's my pleasure," She returned just as softly. "Now go be a fighter, woman."
I nodded again before I pulled my hands away from hers and quickly walked down the silent corridors. My heartbeat was strumming against my skull and my palms were moistened. I was honestly terrified. All my negative thoughts of just a few minutes ago were completely shot down and swiftly turned into hope.
This moment determined whether Harry and I could remain strong even in the most broken places. It threw our whole future on the line. It determined whether I could fight hard enough to keep as unbreakable, it was all on me now.
And as I walked down the empty hallways of the hospital, I have never felt so anxious yet hopeful.
-
wow 5 chapters left of clueless i have never been so emotional my whole life it's been one hell of a ride writing this story I thank you guys so much for everything you all hold a special place in my heart.
the beautiful quote that Kissinger said to Ari is by the incredible Ernest Hemingway. just to refresh the quote was:
"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places."
I do not own that quote and I'm giving credit to him for that quote because it did inspire this whole story in the first place. I just finally got to write it in here haha!
bUT OMG GUYS YOU SHOULD TWEET ME ANYTHING I LOVE TO INTERACT WITH YALL MY TWITTER IS
@/brokenbutera
ILL REPLY AND FOLLOW BACK AND WE CAN BE BFFS :D
anyways I can't thank you all enough for all the sweet words lately, they are truly one of the sweetest things I've ever heard my entire life.
i love you guys so damn much you all are truly the bestest x
bTW YALL ARE TOO DAMN CUTE YOU GUYS MAKE ME SMILE AND LAUGH SO MUCH I JUST WANNA HUG YOU ALL *group hug*
ALL THE LOVE xx
- crystal :-)