Who said it and what's the context?
Sterling
She's dead. Gone.
Maybe not at this exact moment, but she will be. Sooner than I anticipate. Mostly because I have not predicted her untimely passing at all.
A tear trickles down my cheek as the words tumble around inside my brain in a loop.
I'm losing her.
I am sprawled out on my back staring up at the inky night sky. The constellations and atmosphere spins together in a dizzying whirl.
What is life without my best friend?
Where does one go when the person they seek comfort from is not there to provide it at the time when it's needed the most? Oh, the cruel irony that the arms that I normally find solace in will be the ones that cause me the most pain because of their absence.
A soft breeze whispers through the pines, carrying with it, the sniffles of a muffled sob.
I strain to listen, believing that my ears I have deceived me but no, it is most definitely a cry. Pulling myself up, I scan around but see only empty shadows.
"Hello?" I call but there is no answer. Chills prick my arms and I scurry back towards the cabin.
But as soon as my feet hit the dew on the grass, I spot it.
A darkened figure is hunched over at the end of the dock. Squinting my eyes, I make out the movements of trembling shoulders. I bite my lip, debating on whether to approach the person to inquire if they are alright or book it back inside, unknowing what I am potentially up against.
But humanity takes over and I take a few cautious steps back onto the sandy beach. "Hello?" I call again. "Are you okay? Is there something I can do for you?"
But still no answer.
With a sigh, I move in closer. "Do you need me to call someone? Are you hurt?"
I draw in nearer and realize that I recognize the broad outline of the frame and the worn in white t-shirt that clothes it. The beat of my pulse intensifies.
"Jackson?" I ask in confusion. "What's the matter?"
I don't hesitate to sit beside him and rub his back as I study him with a frown on my face.
He takes a shuddering breath, dragging his palms down his face and straightening out his shoulders. "I'm fine," he murmurs.
"You're clearly not." I gesture at his tear-stained cheeks. "What happened...?"
The question dies on my lips as I realize that I already know what has occurred. The same thing that has broken my heart has shattered his, leaving us both in devastated ruins.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, fully aware that my apologies will not heal the tragedy that has befallen his family. "I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you."
Jackson glances over at me, his eyes rimmed with red. "I'm terrified what my future will be like without her in it, Sterling." His voice is so quiet I can barely hear anything except for the excruciating pain that riddles his tone.
I laugh bitterly as I have been wondering the same thing.
He gestures at the lake. "What will become of my parents? Will they ever be the same? Will my mom turn into a hollow shell of her former self?"
It suddenly dawns on me why Jackson is so frightened of where is life is headed. There is only one solid answer and it's morbidly scary one. The only known of what awaits is the death of his sister at a way too young age.
He shakes his head. "I've been so selfish, Sterling. Gabby is dying and I'm moaning over the fact that I don't want to play the violin anymore."
He scoffs loudly and gazes up at the sky, anger pinching his features. "Imagine that. She's been robbed of any sort of future and I'm taking for granted the opportunity to do something incredible with mine."
Blowing out a breath, my gaze wanders over to the silver light of the moon reflecting off the ripples of the lake. "Jackson, you shouldn't feel guilty for following your heart. Don't you think that your sister would want you to use the life you've been given to do something that makes you happy? She would never want you to waste time being miserable."
The realization came barreling towards me as though it were a freight train, and I recognize that I should be speaking those words to myself. I have always kept my feelings for her brother sealed up tightly in a vault inside my brain out of my fear of what my best friend would think.
But the truth is, had she known, she would have encouraged me to go for it because that is the type of selfless person that she is.
With a sigh, Jackson runs his hands over his hair. "Then why is it that the only voice that I can hear inside my head is my mother scolding me for wasting the gifts that I have been blessed with?"
He draws in a shaky breath before slowly exhaling it. "I feel..." He pauses as his voice cracks. "I just feel that perhaps, it should have been me. I'm ungrateful for the life that I have, and I should have been the one diagnosed with Leukemia, not Gabby."
His face instantly crumples as fresh tears roll down his cheeks, turning his skin a blotchy red. He drops his forehead against my shoulder, his body heaving in a fit of sobs, and I stroke his back in silence.
"Gabby will never get the chance to fall in love and here I am, balking at your declaration as though it's nothing to me," he murmurs through his cries.
"You're confused," I soothe softly, rubbing circles over his shoulder blades. "This is a monstrous turning point in your life, Jackson. And couple it with trying to discover who you truly are..."
I exhale. "I would be losing it too."
He glances up, truly seeing me for the first time since that I've sat down beside him. "Sterling, you've opened my eyes to a side of myself that I never even knew existed."
His sights drift out towards the lake, and he shrugs. "Or perhaps, I did but was too scared to let it out. And I appreciate it but..."
I nod, anticipating where this conversation is leading. "But?"
His shoulders sag, the last ounce of strength he has, defeated. "I can't date anybody right now. Not for a good long while. I need to find out who I am without my violin and without..." He pauses, swallowing the lump in his throat. "My sister..."
Patting his knee, I force out an encouraging smile. "So, then we'll be friends. I think we could both use one of those right about now."
"Yea," he agrees, hanging his head. When he looks back up, he has wiped the sorrow from his eyes, pasting on the neutral expression that he has hidden behind all these months.
"Listen," he continues. "I'm sorry for forbidding you to get involved with my friends. I didn't have that right and if Brandon brings you joy, well then..."
He shrugs, the corners of his mouth lifting into a small grin.
I lean in, caressing his bottom lip with the pad of my thumb and he closes his eyes. "Brandon is sexy as hell," I say. "He's respectful, knows how to have fun and he wants me. And may I add, not afraid to show it but..."
"But?" Jackson presses with a smirk.
"He's not you." I drop my hand to my side. "I won't wait around for you to be ready to give me what I need but you're the one I want."
His lids flutter open and his gaze searches mine. "Why, Sterling?" He whispers. "What is it about me that you could possibly love? I'm a grouchy man who doesn't have his life together."
I shrug. "I don't know. The only thing I'm certain of is that it's true."
A stream of salt escapes his eyes as he presses his forehead against mine and clasps my hands. "I don't deserve you and that's the only thing that I'm certain of."
"Do you remember the pact we made at the beginning of the summer," I ask, lightly squeezing his fingers.
"Uh...you mean the one where you threatened to chuck my violin into the lake if I ever dared to try play it at the crack of dawn again?" He snickered.
I give him a nudge. "No, silly. The agreement we made to enjoy ourselves for the rest of this trip and if we decided that we wanted something real then we would meet at the dock on the last sunset of August."
"Ah,,," he replies. "That deal. What about it?"
I exhale slowly. "As I stated, Jackson, I won't wait for you to make up your mind on whether I'm the one that you want. But I'm a woman of my word, so until that final day...I'm here."
"In the meantime, let me be the person to try and help you figure it all out. No strings attached. And after that..." I continue. "We can both walk away and move on with the rest of our lives."
He arches a brow as his gaze sweeps over me and then slowly, he nods. "Okay."
Question of the day: Do you think Sterling should forget their pact and focus on Gabby instead of trying to help Jackson make sense of where his life is headed?