Vanessa
I had surprised myself.
As Christmas break wore on, I found myself pacing back and forth with a sort of restlessness. As I paused to gaze out the window, the bare branches of the oaks scraping against the windowpane, it dawned on me where the unease was stemming from.
For once, I longed for the city skyline to greet me instead of a towering tree and in a turn of events, it was Manhattan that I ached to return to.
I need to apologize to Ryan, my fevered thoughts played on a loop.
My intense desire to make-up with him had turned into an almost obsession and I chewed my nails down to the quick, anxious that every minute that passed took me further away from receiving his forgiveness.
Matt glanced up from the book he was reading as I made another lap of his bedroom. Setting aside the reading material, he frowned at me. "Are you alright, V? You haven't laid down since we came up here and I'm worried you're going to trip over my clothing pile."
A grin spread across his face, but I was too distressed to appreciate the joke.
I sighed. "I'm just thinking about school is all."
With sympathy in his expression, he nodded. "Are you still truly that unhappy there?"
Averting his gaze, I bit my lip as I contemplated how to answer the question. Technically, I was miserable because of an incident in New York. Did Matt really need to know that it was a person that had caused my agony instead of a place?
"I'll sort it out when I return," I replied, crawling beneath the covers.
Rolling over onto his side, he planted a kiss on my lips. "Well, perhaps, I can take your mind off the matter for now."
I hadn't been in the mood to be intimate with him since arriving back in Connecticut and had managed to evade sex by claiming that I was on my period, but I wasn't certain if I would be able to push my luck for a third week.
"I have a headache," I responded, nudging him away.
"Oh, alright then," he answered, picking up his book but I had caught the flash of hurt that had darkened his grey eyes.
A speck of guilt gnawed at me, and I knew that it wasn't fair for me to isolate my boyfriend because I was too stuck in my head over another man.
"I guess you could go down on me," I offered, feeling selfish for throwing him a breadcrumb that would only benefit me.
"Sure," he agreed, tossing back the comforter. "As long as you are alright with that."
I lifted the hem of my nightshirt up past my thighs and slipped off my panties. "Have at it."
Chuckling, he lowered himself in between my legs and began flicking his tongue against my slit. I moaned softly as I closed my eyes.
I suppose I have missed the sex.
But as Matt continued to lick and tease me with his tongue, an image of Ryan's soft green eyes gazing into mine infiltrated my brain. In my mind, he gave me a seductive grin before stroking his fingers over the damp spot between my legs.
He slipped a finger inside of me, exploring me for the first time. But the touch wasn't enough. He needed more of me. He craved to know what I tasted like.
And suddenly, it wasn't Matt giving me oral but Ryan. With a shiver, I writhed against the mattress, picturing every movement of my boyfriend's tongue as belonging to another.
I tangled my fingers into Matt's hair, visualizing that I was raking through strands of chestnut. A moan slipped from my mouth, and I had to clamp down on my tongue to keep out from crying Ryan's name.
But just as I was getting into it, the cold metal of Matt's piercing pressed up against my skin and I was thrust back into the reality of who was actually eating me out.
With a grunt of annoyance, I slid my palm down to my boyfriend's forehead and nudged him away. "Ouch!" I cried, flinging my eyes open. "I think your tongue ring scratched me."
"Sorry," he muttered.
"Just forget it," I murmured, pushing him even further back with my foot. "A climax isn't going to happen for me tonight."
He stared at me, confusion twisting his features as he wiped his glistening lips with the back of his hand. "Do you want me to try something different? You seemed close."
"I said no!" I snapped. "What part of that don't you get?"
Shrinking away from me, he grabbed the comforter and covered my naked lower half with it. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be pushy."
With a huff, I rolled over on to my side.
He remained still for several movements before cautiously settling against his pillow. Silence shrouded the room and even though I couldn't see him, I had a feeling that he was likely staring up at the ceiling and trying to piece together what had occurred for him to suddenly be blasted with a cold front.
"Can you turn the light off?" I spat out. "It's too bright in here for me to be able to sleep."
Wordlessly, he shifted towards the nightstand and within seconds, the room was enveloped in darkness. The soft sounds of a video playing shattered the quiet and I sighed loudly. "Can you please not watch videos right now? The noise keeps me up."
Matt set his phone down on the tabletop and turned to face me. "V," he began, his voice small. "Did I do something to upset you? I feel as though you're highly annoyed with me tonight."
Your existence is irritating me.
Shame immediately stabbed at me for thinking something so cruel about a man who had done nothing except love me with everything he had.
But somehow, it still wasn't enough. Or perhaps, it was too much.
"God," I bit out. "Don't you ever listen? I already explained that I'm bothered because of school."
"Okay," was he replied, probably because he was fearful to speak anything more and get his head completely bitten off.
The conversation ended there, and I listened in the darkness for his breathing to even out and indicate that he had fallen asleep. I'm not certain how long I had spent sprawled out and completely still, gazing out at the shadowed shapes of the trees, their branches curling towards the night sky as though they were fingers.
But when Matt finally succumbed to sleep, did I dare glide my touch down my abdomen and between my legs. Then fingering myself, I conjured up Ryan's face once more. It was his hand that swirled circles around my nerve endings and it was his palm that rubbed against me with fervor.
I pressed my lips together to stifle my sighs.
Even though no one would know the act of treason that I was committing, my heart still thudded wildly against my ribcage. In an instant, I had betrayed everything that I had built with Matt for an indulgence in my forbidden fantasies.
Even though it was my hand, Ryan was the person who sent me falling into a dangerous black abyss of immense pleasure. And as terrifying as it was, I didn't want to escape.