Leave me alone.
Shivaay's skin crawled. It felt like thousands of insects had crept under his skin. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to take a deep breath. It worked this time around even though it was shaky. His hand however irritated rubbed the back of his neck. Now that didn't work. His skin continued to tingle. He got frustrated. He scratched his chest. Once. Twice. Thrice...
"Stop."
Anika's hand stopped his hand. Shivaay felt her roughly hold his hand. He opened his eyes to look at her. She was furious.
He sighed. Staring at her glaring eyes, he asked, "Have I pissed you off too?"
She momentarily closed her eyes. But the very next second, she pulled him close and wrapped her hands around him. She stroked his back.
"Rubbish!" Anika chastised him. "You can never piss me off."
Shivaay bit back a sob. He deepened the hug. Everything else was bullshit. Only this, Anika, the new life he was living, only that was the real deal. But then, why did his heart hurt so much on seeing his mother weep like that? Why did his breath hitch in his throat at the thought of his father being sick? Why did the vision of Om begging on his knees burn his mind? His Dadi...why did that threaten to crush his being? He shuddered.
Anika pulled herself back. She examined his chest and winced. "Shivaay, what have you done?
Shivaay glanced at his chest. It was now red and marked with scratches of his nails. He blinked. It wasn't new. There was a resigned sigh. He closed his eyes again. He let his head fall on Anika's shoulder.
"It's fine, Shivaay..." she caressed his hair. "Everything is okay. Yeah?"
"Yeah..." he answered gruffly.
He didn't wish to stress Anika out. It just didn't seem fair. And to be honest, they all would get over this issue too. He just needed to get a grip on himself. Though, Shivaay wanted to chuckle at the irony of it all. A few years back, he was on his knees, begging them to understand him. Now the roles had reversed and how.
"I just got a little overwhelmed. I am sorry." Shivaay dropped a kiss on the side of Anika's head.
She gave him a teary smile. "You don't need to be. You can always share anything with me. Just that, don't hurt yourself. Do you hear that?"
Shivaay nodded. "I hear you."
"Good." She smiled and rubbed his beard. She observed his features for a long time. Then she broke the silence. "I know what you are thinking."
Of course she did, Shivaay wanted to tell her. But he just let out a tired breath. She sadly confessed, "You know, I had a very different graph in mind when we landed here. But all this is just very sad. I agreed to come here because I thought that it would be over in a day. You will meet Dadi and then we will leave. All this is just...heartbreaking."
Shivaay's eyelids drooped. He whispered to himself and admitted, "It is."
Anika chuckled bitterly. "Dadi used to jokingly say that you are the neev, the foundation of this house. Without you, it would crumble. Turns out, she was right."
So she had noticed the state of the house too. It was indeed crumbling. He didn't want to think about it but in half a day, the things he was noticing felt like they were haunting him. If something happened to them, how would he feel? What would the world say? That the son couldn't save his own family? Shivaay shook his head. No. He didn't need to think all of that. He was putting his leg in the trap again. This wasn't his mess. He didn't need to clean it. But what if his mother...
He cursed. All these emotions - the fury, the guilt, the regret and then the love - he couldn't handle them. He didn't know what to do. He sprang up from the bed. He paced towards the French window of his room. His fingers found the fabric of the curtain. He tugged at it.
"Anika," he struggled to keep his breath even. "I am...lost. Yet again."
He was. He had walked back into the dark labyrinth of intense emotions once again without enough preparation. But really, the truth was that he was never going to be prepared. The healing that Anika talked about - Shivaay knew that he had to go through all this to process his hurt and earn closure. He just didn't think that it would be so tough. In a few hours, all his wounds had reopened and were bleeding again.
Shivaay wanted his family to see what they had lost out on. He wanted to feel the glee. He had thought of it as his revenge.
And well, they all had seen it now. They had seen how content he was with his small family.
But fuck. Why didn't he feel any happiness on seeing their sadness? Where was the glee he thought he would feel? Why was he feeling bad for them instead? Where was his anger?
"I..." Shivaay tried to speak. He couldn't articulate any of his thoughts. He shuddered and let himself go quiet.
He felt a hand on his shoulder. Anika turned him around. She smiled sadly. "It's fine. Calm down, okay?"
Shivaay suppressed another shudder. Then the words bubbled out of his mouth, "I don't know how to feel or what to do. I am overreacting? Should I forgive them?"
There. He said them finally. The thought had been running in his head since morning but he could say it only now. He scanned Anika's face was anger or surprise but he found understanding. She obviously knew what was going on in his mind.
"I think," Anika pressed her lips in a thin line. Then she looked at the empty pool. Shivaay followed her and saw Rudra sitting by the pool. "You should talk with Rudra about this. This is about your parents and your family and that is why the decision should only be his and yours."
*********************************
"Are you okay?" asked Rudra with a worried gaze.
Shivaay rubbed his forehead. "Well. I can hear you now."
Rudra nodded. He reached out for Shivaay's hand. "You scared me."
Shivaay snorted. "I scared myself too."
That made Rudra chuckle. He let out the breath that he was holding. His brother was fine. Everything was fine. For now at least. Partly relieved by it, he let his gaze wander around. He didn't like what he saw. Come to think of it, everything felt strained and empty. The Mansion didn't feel like how he remembered it to be. It had worn out. There were signs. Subtle but they were there. And he was sure, Shivaay had noticed them too. There was a reason Shivaay had panicked. There was a reason why it felt like Shivaay was contemplating forgi...Rudra couldn't dare to complete that thought.
He deliberately and hurriedly diverted his mind by commenting on the pool. "Why would they empty the pool?"
Shivaay fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt. "It's expensive to maintain a pool, you know?"
Rudra's heart sank. He knew what Shivaay was talking about. The family was financially struggling.
After leaving with Shivaay, Rudra wasn't living the rich life anymore. Their status had dwindled to being middle/working class. But there was so much peace and happiness in their daily lives that Rudra loved it that way more. He never itched to have expensive bikes, cars or vacations. He was content in their small house, playing with his nephew and two vacations per year. He couldn't be happier.
Even then, the state of his former home made him sad. He couldn't deny that the pool was where they had spent the best times. To see it in such a sorry state felt wrong.
"I can't even say that I am surprised..." Rudra remarked. "There are signs all over the mansion."
Shivaay slowly bobbed his head. And then he ran a tired hand through his hair. Rudra stared at his brother's face. Intently. Carefully. One look into his eyes and Rudra's insides quivered. He knew what Shivaay was thinking. He understood what Shivaay was holding in his heart, what he wanted to say. He knew his brother was just waiting for a chance to somehow begin that dreaded conversation.
Rudra's eyes burned. He bit his lower lip. He knew what that meant. Another change in their lives. He didn't like it. He was settled into his new life and liked it like that. He was not ready for it to exchange it for anything now. But there was also a whole different angle to the same. His Shivaay Bhaiya.
His eyes remained on his Bhaiya. The reason he left his family was because of the man sitting next to him. And well, it was only poetic justice that the reason he would mend the bridge with his family would be this same man.
Maybe because it was never Rudra's battle. It was Shivaay's. He was just fulfilling his duty and promise of standing by his brother. So it was only fair that he got to make this choice. He had to again fulfil his duty and stand by him. Shivaay would never be alone in anything. Never. Even if it meant killing his ego for what his brother desired. Rudra would happily do it.
Rudra steeled himself. It didn't matter what he wanted. Shivaay's peace mattered the most.
"Bhaiya..." Rudra cleared his throat.
Shivaay looked at him languidly. Rudra smiled at him. Then he touched his brother's hand. The softest touch.
"Forgive them, Bhaiya. Do what your heart is telling you to do."
Shivaay went rigid. Rudra watched his mouth open and close cluelessly but there were no words. There was silence for a long time as Shivaay made sense of his own emotions, thoughts and what Rudra had just asked him to do. Rudra allowed him that space. It was the least he could do for Shivaay.
"But you...I heard..." Shivaay looked bewildered. His confused and tormented gaze wandered around cluelessly as he tried to speak. "I...you were on the terrace. I heard what you...said to Om. And Anika...just. I dunno."
Rudra moved closer to Shivaay. He held his hand. "Remember what Dadi used to tell us? Forgiveness is not for the weak."
Shivaay looked at him making no attempt to hide the fresh tears that had formed in his eyes. Rudra rubbed them away. "Don't think about what I did or said or what Anika Bhabhi wants. This isn't about us. I am weak. I still have to learn."
He pushed the hair fallen on Shivaay's forehead back. It was a habit that he had unknowingly picked. During Shivaay's panic attacks, the only thing that worked was this. Rudra now did it even otherwise. He stroked his brother's head again.
"But you have walked this path. You have learned. You are brave. You can forgive even if I can't..." Rudra spoke clearly. "Anika Bhabhi loves you too much. She will never forget what the family did to you. It's tough for us. Because we can never see this objectively. However, that does not mean that you shouldn't heal. If you think that you need to forgive them, do it. You were the biggest victim in this fiasco. We got affected but we weren't victims. We just stood by you."
He watched Shivaay's face closely as his words registered. Rudra secretly crossed his fingers.
"He is right."
Rudra looked up to see Anika standing near them. Shivaay's head snapped up and he sighed. She sat next to him and took Shivaay in a side hug.
"Shivaay, you cannot subject yourself to these thoughts anymore. You cannot remain a slave to these thoughts. And I swear, there were a few more today. You cannot punish yourself like this. This hurt is hurting you the most. It has. If you don't break this loop, it will keep on hurting you. Forgive them and break free."
Her hands run up and down his back in comforting strokes. She insisted, "Do it for yourself."
Shivaay's desperate eyes turned to look at Rudra as if he was silently seeking his approval. Rudra pulled him into a hug. Shivaay latched onto him like a small child wanting comfort.
The three of them stayed like that for a long time before Rudra spoke, "I promise things will get better. Please do what you deem right. We are with you. Always."
This time, Shivaay gave them a small nod. He sniffed as he held Rudra. "You have grown up."
Rudra grinned. "I had to. You raised me."
It made both Anika and Shivaay smile. He kissed Rudra's palm. "You make me so happy. You are my pride."
"Love you too, Bhaiya..." Rudra reciprocated meaning every single word he had said to Shivaay. The rest, nothing mattered. It never did. It would always boil down to what Shivaay needed and nothing else.