The next morning
Even though my reasoning for leaving so briskly last night was because i was tired, i did not sleep a wink.
Instead, i practiced some healing and cleaning up charms because it had seemed apparent the only way i could calm myself down or even sleep at night was to cut and i needed a better way to clean my messes up after me.
As of this morning, i have harmed myself about 5/6 times. It was becoming a habit which i couldn't quit.
I only really used the cleaning up charms as i don't like to heal my injury's because if i healed them, id have to do it again and again. Once they aren't as visible anymore, i need to create another one.
I am extremely nervous for today as Lupin is bound to want to continue last nights discussion we were having, and i wont have any excuse for leaving this time.
I quickly get up, change, grab my things and leave my room.
I don't want to give Remus another reason to be speaking to me so i decided to go sit in the hall for breakfast.
I walked into the great hall and sit down furthest away from the teachers table, trying to avoid Lupins gaze which i can feel on me as soon as i walk in. I grab a pumpkin pastie and a cup of water and take my charms book out my bag. I'm just going to try and study over anything that i might've missed from yesterdays class this morning. I take a small bite out my pumpkin treat and i can already feel that sickly feeling in my stomach. Trying to ignore it, i take another small bite out and place it down on my plate then i take a big gulp of my water.
I quickly glance over to the teachers table and lock eyes with lupin who had be looking at me. I quickly turn away and concentrate my eyes on the piece of text in front of me.
The feeling of anxiety is sitting at the bottom of my throat like a boulder weighing me down. Pushing my hair back out of my face and pinching the bridge of my nose, i continue trying to read the page. I have managed to read the same sentence over 3 times. I can feel heat rushing to my cheeks and down my neck and my hands start to shake. I close my book, grab my things and briskly rush out of the hall, running to the courtyard and sitting down.
Since everyone was eating their breakfast, the courtyard was empty. I put my head down and grasp at my chest. My breathe quickening every second. I can feel the pastie threatening to come back up in my throat and my leg is trembling.
The door to the great hall goes and i turn to see Professor Lupin glancing out the door in my direction. As soon as our eyes lock, i jump up and speed out the other door of the courtyard.
I can hear him calling my name in the distance but i don't listen and just walk even quicker to the girls bathroom.
~~~
I clean up the bloody mess i made in the bathroom cubicle, place a plaster on on my freshly made wound that i grabbed from my bedroom and put it in my bag, then i grab my things and start heading to my first class, transfiguration.
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The lesson went by pretty quickly and without any issue. Transfiguration is more working on your own rather than working in partners or groups, which i greatly preferred.
After break had finished, which was spent with me just reading, it was charms class. When i go there i explained to Professor Flitwick what happened the previous day which he was fine with and went on with the class.
I gave lunch a miss as i still felt quite sick after eating this morning, then i had herbology which, thankfully Neville Longbottom spoke to me a bit in and for the last lesson i had Defense.
I slowly walked to the lesson and i can hear my heart pounding in my head, trying to control my breathing as much as possible in fear that i will pass out. My hands are trembling slightly but i clench them into fists. What do i say to him if he asks me anything else? I've reached the doorway of his classroom, with a deep breathe i step in and walk over to the chair at the back of the class with my head down.
Lupin glances my way, hesitates, then begins the class.
I can feel the trios eyes on me because of I'm assuming what transpired in potions class.
Today we were doing basic defense and attack spells so i needed a partner.
Before i could raise my hand to address my lack of a partner, i see Hermione approach me .
"Can we be partners?" she questioned, averting my eye contact so she wasn't looking directly at me for longer then 2 seconds. "uh.. i guess so" i said confused, " i didn't think i would be your first choice in partners to be honest" i exclaimed. "Well, Harry and Ron are partnered with each other, everyone else is taken, and plus... i wanted to speak to you about something". I eyed her dubiously, "oh kay? about?" She took a deep breath and came close towards me so that only me and her could hear the conversation going on. "What was up yesterday in potions?" My breathing hitched and my eyes widened, 'FUCK' I thought to myself. "Wh- what are you talking about?" I try to laugh to hide my wavering voice, "you know exactly what I'm talking about Abby, with snape.. and your robe?" She said this statement a bit louder then intended causing some curious stares from a couple of people including a quick look from Remus while he was helping another pair. "Keep you voice down, Jesus" I exclaim. "you cost us point deductions so what was it about?" she said still at the same volume as before. I look around me and see people staring and my hear rate starts to quicken. "uh, listen, i need to use the bathroom so I'll be right back" "wait!" Hermione exclaims but I've already walked of, telling lupin in passing that i was using the bathroom.
I rush out the door and I'm hyperventilating now. 'Where does she find the audacity to ask about MY business, like it has nothing to do with her.' I run into the bathroom and into my designated cubicle and pull out my piece of glass. I roll up the sleeve of the already scarred arm and create two more cuts. 'she's right' i think to myself, 'I've caused the whole house to loose points just because I'm fucked up, this is why i deserve this' i look down at my arm and tears start forming in my eyes, 'i deserve this'.
On that thought i push the glass against my arm as hard as i can and drag it across. The gash i created starts pouring with blood. I grab a clump of tissue paper and press it against the open wound, trying to clean the blood up as much as possible. While my hand is on my arm, my watch catches my eye 'shit! I've been here for almost 15 minutes, i really need to get back to class before i cause any more suspicion.' I clean up the blood from the floor and as much as i can from my arm with just a tissue, slap a plaster on and rush out the bathroom. I can feel a slightly damp bit of my robe from where it got my blood on it but because the robe is black, the color blends in. 'thank god' i thought. I rush back into the classroom and back to the area where Hermione was.
"where did you disappear to" she exclaimed in an angry tone, "we're supposed to be partners you cant just disappear" "sorry" i said quietly, "lets just get on with the task we're supposed to be doing" i say. She just looks at me in disbelief and we start practicing the different charms.
Remus POV (i don't know how i feel about doing it from this pov so i might only do this once or twice when its needed for the story but let me know what you guys think!!)
I was helping another student with how to cast the perfect defense charm when i see Abby charging past me telling me that she is going to use the bathroom. Before i can even get a breath in to say something to her, she's gone out of the door. She doesn't return back to class until about 15 minutes later and she rushes past me back to the area that Hermione granger resided in. I swear that in her passing i could smell a slight scent of blood...
I make a note to myself to question her once class is over.
Normal POV
After what felt like eons, class finally finished so i grabbed all my things as quickly as possible to leave the class. 'i need to get out of here straight away' i thought to myself.
I weave my way around groups of people trying to leave and get back to their own common rooms, but before i can get my foot out the door, Professor Lupin is by my side. "Wait a minute miss Clark" Remus' voice bellows over the bustling noise of chatter and i turn around to see him facing me. "A word, if you don't mind." "Actually sir, I've really got to be somewhere right now" i say. not a complete lie, i do need to be somewhere, anywhere which isn't this room. "it will be quick as a flash, i promise" he reasons with me. With a bit off a huff i enter further into the room and walk towards him. He steps past me to close the door and gestures me to sit down which i politely decline. He looks at me questionably but quickly brushes it off and i start to speak. "What's up then sir?" i question, trying to keep my voice steady but my heart is pounding. "Well, i just wanted to speak to you about a couple of matters if that okay with you" he say, acting like he's giving me much of a choice. I shrug in response and he continues. "what happened during breakfast this morning Abby?" he asks, slight concern in his voice. Gaining no responses from me he says "I understand if you don't want to talk about it but its better to talk about these things then keep them in, you know that right?" he tilts his head awaiting a response from me, "um, i guess so?" i say. With him still looking at me with question, i continue. "Nothing happened this morning sir, i just wanted some fresh air is all." i lie. He continues to look at me with worry. "you ran out the courtyard when you saw me?" he says all matter-of-factly. "That wasn't anything about you, i just felt a bit sick so went to the bathroom before class started". "hmm" is all he says in response.
"I've also been meaning to ask you what happened to your hand" he references to the bruised and cut hand that i had hurt a couple of days prior and just took the bandages of this morning.
I follow his gaze to my hand and then look back up to him. "nothing" i say plainly.
He looks at me and raises one of his eyebrows slightly. "It doesn't look like nothing" he responds with. "well not nothing in that sense." i exclaim and he leans back slightly, referencing me to continue "i just meant nothing as in like nothing really happened, like its not important, you know." i ramble and stutter during this explanation and he sighs and sits on the edge of his desk. "I've told you that I'm here to help and that you can come and talk to me Abby." he say in a soft, kind voice. "I know you did but seriously, nothings happened, i just bashed my hand, really! that's why its all messed up and i had the bandage on it." I can tell he doesn't believe what I'm saying but he nods his head in response and crosses his arms over his chest. "I see" he says.
He looks at me without saying anything for a solid 5 seconds while i shift uncomfortably under his direct gaze.
"can i go now then?" i say, trying to turn my body to head out the door. He falters for a second but then says, "just one more question". i look at him in response and he says "do you have blood on you?" I stop dead as my heart drops and i stare at him. Unconsciously i move my arm to hide it behind my back and start biting my lip. "no?" i respond, my voice wavers which he picks up on, he stands back up from his desk and his eyebrows knit together in confusion and worry. "Miss Clark" he says slightly sternly but still with a soft touch and i take a step back. He steps back against his desk and put his hands up in defense, "whoa, woah, what's wrong Abby" he says, concern written all over his face. i look back down to the ground and start fiddling with my sleeve behind my back. My arm is starting to burn for the cold glass against it. I'm getting a bit agitated at this point. "Nothings wrong" i say through slightly gritted teeth. "I just want to go so i can get ready for food". He squints slightly then looks down at the arm i hid behind my back at the mention of blood, tilting his head and furrowing his brows before looking back up at me. I try and avoid his eye contact. "ok, ok" he says " i will walk you down to your dorm then" I groan slightly under my breathe but walk towards the door, hands down by my side.
I'm walking slightly ahead of Lupin and i can feel his eyes burning a hole in my scalp. I'm just trying to get my common room as quickly as i possible can so this torment can end.
We finally reach the doors to the common room and as i turn to walk through the door, Lupin grabs my arm to try and stop me and i completely tense up, wincing slightly at his touch on my fresh cuts and yank my arm back to my side. He takes a step back and again puts his hands up in defense, "okay, okay" he says and looks down at his hand which now has a slight bit of blood on it from touching the bloody sleeve. I gasp under my breath after looking at what he was looking at and i put my arm back behind my back. "Listen Abby.." he says slowly "lets just go back to my room and we can talk, okay?" he try's to place his hand on my shoulder but i quickly say the password for the room and step inside, leaving Lupin standing outside the door in shock.
I run to my room and lock the door. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.. my lungs feel as though they are full of water. I can not breathe, my hand clutches my chest and i fall to my knees. I aggressively shove my robe of my frame and search for the glass from my bag. After finding it i drag the sharp end against my skin multiple times. I can feel my breathing slow down and my heart rate decreases slightly. I bring my knees up against my chest and sob.
I didn't come out of my room for the rest of the night.
OMG OKAY HEY GUYS. This chapter was slightly more intense then the others!!
How did we all feel about this chapter? its the longest one so far soooo!!!!
How did we feel about the different POV, yes? no?
i hope your enjoying so far and stay tuned for the next chapter!!
dont forgett to vote and thanks for reading <3
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