Alyssa's view:
I just told Jake that we were going to have to move, and then Tom comes in and slams the door. I didn't know he was outside of the door. He looks hurt and pissed. I wish he never heard that.
Tom said, "What the hell Alyssa, did you just say you're leaving me for Booker."
I know he didn't mean it like that. And I would never leave him for Booker or for any man. I love this man. I know that now after my heart is breaking thinking of him and her.
I said, "Tom I." I stopped. I mean I can't really get onto him for barging in, this is his house. And I really don't want to get onto him for wanting to go have sex. He's a man. He needs it, and I get it.
Tom said, "Alyssa what did I do? Why do you want to move out? I thought things were going great. I knew you were lying to me, about not being okay. Because even though it's only been a short time, I feel like I know you, and I could tell instantly that you were upset about something. I've been trying to figure out what it is, wishing you would stop lying to me, and tell me, so I could fix it. But I guess it's me? What did I do?"
I said, "Tom I'd really rather not get into this right now. If you could give me a few minutes, I'll be out and we can talk."
He said, "Fine 15 minutes. If you aren't out in 15 minutes I'll be back in."
Tom's view:
I need to calm down. I know I'm acting like a baby. And I hate it. For the first time, in my life I don't feel like much of a man. The way this girl has got in my head. I feel like losing her is going to devastate me so much that I won't recover.
She hasn't even left yet, and the pain inside is so deep it makes it hard to move, to breathe.
What am I going to do? I will not be able to handle her living with Booker. Booker will flirt with her nonstop, and if she's crying, and he hugs her, he won't stop, he will try and get sex with her. He won't be a gentleman like I am with her. I'm not saying he will rape her, but he will try and seduce her. And if she's upset, who knows.
I'll kill him if he sleeps with her.
I need to calm down so that I can talk to her calmly, and not upset her even more. Yelling at her is not a good idea.
I hear the door to her bedroom open, and Jake comes running out. I take a deep breath. Calm down Hanson. Don't make her even more mad at you.
She said, "Jake let's go get you your lunch." She walks by me, doesn't look and doesn't speak and heads to the kitchen.
She comes back. I'm standing there. I look at her.
I said, "Alyssa I'm sorry to barge in on you and invade your privacy like that."
She said, "No use for me to get mad about it, it's your house. And I know that you have your own life. You've been really great to let me live here with you. I know that I have a lot of baggage and it's okay. I get that you have needs, and I understand, I wish it was any other girl, but still I get it. It's okay. But I just am worried about my stalker, I know I can't move home, and I'd be too scared to go there, but I can't stay here if she is in your room, and I don't know where else to go. Doug has a girlfriend, I doubt she wants me moving in, Harry is on a case. Judy is on a case. I don't know if Jordan will let me stay at his house. I know he has to leave town. I think I'd be safe there."
What the hell is she talking about. Calm down Hanson. Don't yell at her.
I said, "Alyssa can you please sit down." She sat down across from me in the recliner. I sat on the couch. Staring at her.
I said, "Sorry, I don't mean to snap at you, I see you're upset, and you know I hate Booker and he pushes all my buttons, so that triggers me so I'm not mad at you, but I don't understand what you just said. None of it Alyssa. It makes no sense to me."
I said, "What I am asking you, is what I've done to make you want to move out? Everything was fine this weekend, we stayed out on the couch, watching movies, laughing, today was a good day, until it wasn't. You were excited to get out, and wanted to go to that diner, then you don't. Then you won't look at me, you're trying to not cry in the car, you're being sweet, and lying to me saying you are fine when I am not blind Alyssa. I may not been tuned into any other girl that has been in my life, but I am to you. I knew instantly when you were upset. I thought maybe Rob posted something, or the guys criticized your singing, but I can't believe they would do that, you are a beautiful singer. I tried to let you have your space, and I didn't mean to barge in, but you need to tell me what I did, and explain what the f--- you just said, because I don't have a f---- clue."
She stares at me.
She said, "Tom you've been great to let me live here. I know that it wasn't a choice, you were told to, but it's been great. I feel safe here, but I know you have a life and needs."
I said, "Stop right there. What do you mean needs. What needs?"
She said, "Wow you really are going to be a jerk and make me say it."
I said, "yeah I guess I am. I guess today is a day for me to get called names, although jerk is better than the other one I was called."
She said, "What?'
I said, "it doesn't matter. I am going to need you to say it, because I don't understand what you're talking about. If you feel safe here, and you want to stay here, then why are you saying you are moving out and in with Booker. Alyssa you can't trust him. You can't move in with Booker. Over my dead body will I let you do that."
She said, "Then what am I supposed to do, stay locked in my room, and have to listen to you, I'd almost rather be kidnapped and stabbed to death, then have that torture hearing you."
I stare at her. I said, "What are you talking about? Listen to what? My voice upset you that damn bad Alyssa."
She said, "I'm talking about you in your room."
I said, "you don't want me to go to sleep in my room, because that's the only thing I'm doing in my room Alyssa."
I snapped that at her.
She stares at me. The look on her face. She's starting to get pissed off. Maybe that's good, because she will stop being so sweet and let me have it, so that I know what it is that has her upset.
She said, "You are such a jerk."
I said, "yeah you've told me that, but you haven't told me what the hell I did to make you mad at me."
She said, "I wasn't mad at you. Until now. The fact you want me to say the words. Fine Tom Hanson I will." She screamed it at me.
I screamed back, "Good say it."
She screamed, "I will so just shut up."
Jake comes running in standing in front of Alyssa, barking and growling at me.
I'm glad he protects her at all costs. Even from me.
Alyssa said, "Jake it's okay. You go eat your bone." She gets a bone from the treat box she has and he takes it into the kitchen.
I said, "Alyssa I'm sorry for yelling at you. But I don't know what is wrong and you need to tell me. I'm not trying to be a jerk."
She said, "fine I'll say it Hanson. I will not stay in my room and listen to you have sex with that skank. There I said it. Are you happy now Hanson."
I stare at her. What the hell? Wait is she jealous? I know I need to calm down and say something, But all I'm doing is staring at her. I'm just shocked at what she's upset about. Never would I have imagined she was upset because she thought I would, I don't even want sex with any girl but Alyssa, but I would never bring a girl here with Alyssa here. Does she think I'm that big of a jerk that I would do that. Insult her like that. She must really hate me. Has this all been an act from her, I thought we were friends.
I said, "Wow Alyssa you must really think bad of me. Tell me has this been an act for you?"
She said, "What."
I said, "I guess you have a bright future, you not only can be a singer, but do movies as well, because if this has been an act, then you are one hell of an actress. I really feel like a fool right now because I believed that you and I were starting to be friends."
She said, "Tom I've not been acting about anything. I don't understand. And I thought we were becoming friends."
I said, "Then you think I'm that big of a jerk, you think I'd disrespect you like that, Alyssa. That hurts that you think so lowly of me."
She said, "Tom."
I shut her down. Rudely I couldn't help it. I'm hurt.
I said, "Stop I'm not finished." I raised my voice but didn't scream at her.
I said, "Alyssa. I don't know what you're talking about. Trust me I'm not having sex with any girl. I haven't hooked up since two weeks before I met you in that wreck. But I would never bring a girl here for sex, with you here. The fact you think I would."
She said, "I know that you haven't left me alone, so obviously you haven't since I've been here but."
I said, "But what. Who is this girl Alyssa, that you think I'm having sex with. You are so ridiculous."
She said, 'I'm not ridiculous. I know that you have plans to meet up and have sex. Because that is all that girl does trust me."
As hurt and mad as I am at her, I'm also a little excited thinking that maybe she is jealous. She sure sounds jealous, and she is getting mad at me just talking about it. I know exactly which girl she is talking about, but I'm going to make her say it.
I said, "What girl Alyssa."
She is glaring at me now. She is pissed off.
She said, "I'm not stupid Hanson, so don't act like I am. You know damn well what girl I'm talking about."
I kind of am enjoying this. She is acting like she is jealous. And if so that means she has feelings for me, whether she realizes it or not.
She said, "I don't want to do this. Fight with you. Or get mad at you. You have been great to put your life on hold for me, and to let me move in, and to make me feel safe. I'm sorry Tom. You have every right to live your life, and I know you have needs."
I said, "Alyssa what needs? I don't have the need for sex if that is what you're talking about. And you aren't stupid, I don't mean to make you think that I think that you are. But you are so damn wrong and so far off base that it is actually hilarious to me, if it wouldn't piss me off so damn bad."
She stared at me. She started to speak but then stopped and staring at me again. I caught her off guard with that.
She said, "how am I wrong?"
I laughed. That infuriated her. She is hot and sexy when she is mad. I need to maybe not continue to piss her off, or she is going to see how my body reacts to her. I'm going to need a cold shower soon.
I said, "you are wrong with what you just said. About it all. Needs, my plans."
She said, "I know that you have plans."
I said, "yeah I do have plans."
She said, "I knew it."
The look on her face, triumphant, like she is right, well sweetheart you are wrong, this is going to be fun.
I said, "yeah Alyssa you're right, I do have plans. I have a hot date tonight with a beautiful girl."
She looked like she is going to be sick. She is jealous. I'm sure of it. She looks hurt, and tears are forming.
I said, "you Alyssa. I have plans with you."
The look of shock on her face. Then turns to a scared look on her face. Shit, I better make it clear I'm not talking about sex.
I said, "Alyssa I was planning on doing something with you tonight. Like you said earlier today, you are getting tired of not being able to go out, and I was thinking we could go do something fun. I didn't know what we could do or where we could go, but even a drive, just to get you out of the house. That asshole has taken over your life, you can't go to your home, you can't go out in public, you are having to worry about him nonstop. I'm surprised if you aren't having bad dreams. I thought we could do something tonight, get your mind off of him."
She said, "What? But I thought you got her number and made plans. I know you got her number; I saw her give you her phone."
I said, "wrong Alyssa. She tried to give me her number, she tried to give me her phone, but I told her I wasn't interested, and I did not give her my number or my phone. If you don't believe me, go on and check." I handed her my phone.
She stared at me.
She said, "What did you say? You told her no. You're not interested."
I said, "Right I told her I wasn't interested."
She said, "Tom don't lie to me."
I said, "Alyssa, it makes me mad that you continue to think I am a liar. I told you I hate liars and have no use for them in my life. I demand honesty at all times, and I give the same. I'm not lying."
She said, "But she's beautiful, and you were flirting with her nonstop, so I know you are interested. Did you say no because of the case? Do you have plans for after you catch the guy."
I saw fear in her eyes, I do think she is hoping and wanting me to say no it is not about the case.
I said, "Alyssa I'm not interested in sex with her. Not now. Not after this sicko is caught and behind bars. Got it. She and I are never having sex."
Alyssa stares at me, her mouth drops open. She's in shock. And I'm loving this. I wish I had my phone back to take a picture of her.
She said, "But why? All the guys trust me, no guy has turned her down. I have to hear all the details of every single guy."
I said, "I figured she was never told no, since she called me a string of names when I told her no."
I laughed.
Alyssa said, "Wait what, she called you names. Like what?"
I said, "let's see jerk, asshole, and oh my favorite I'm a dick for refusing sex. I told her it's usually the other way around."
I laughed. So did Alyssa. Finally, she's laughing and smiling. No longer sad.
Alyssa said, "Why aren't you interested. She's beautiful."
I said, "I won't lie to you. The guy I used to be, a year ago, 6 months ago, hell maybe 3 months ago, would have been interested, would have been making a move on her. But I have grown up, I guess. Because I don't want empty sex. I don't want to live with the consequences that having sex brings. And so, I'm not going to have sex with any girl Alyssa, not for quite a while. Not sure when."
I am speaking the truth, well sort of. The part I'm leaving out is I'm hoping and praying it's with you Alyssa. You're the only girl I want to have sex with, and I think you are the main reason of why I wasn't interested.
Alyssa said, "you mean a baby?"
I said, "no, although yeah I don't want a baby, but I use protection and anyway let's not talk about that. I meant consequences for other people in my life."
She said, "you lost me."
I said, "I'll explain but let's get back to this girl. She was hot, sexy, big in all the right places if you know what I mean."
Alyssa looked down, and sad.
I said, "Alyssa, but no part of me wants sex with her. And you're wrong, I wasn't flirting with her."
She said, " I saw you. It was hard for me to focus on the song, and I kept messing it up, and we would have to do it over. I finally had to force myself to look away. And ignore you."
I hate that I hurt her. Damn. I made it hard on her to do her job. And I hurt her. I had no idea. If I would have been paying attention to her, taking my pain like a man, instead of looking away.
I said, "Alyssa she was flirting yes, I was not. In fact, I was barely listening to anything she said. I got the feeling right off the start, that her favorite subject is about herself, and also that she is not very smart, and cannot hold a conversation. Yeah, I laughed when she laughed, but I was not paying attention. My head was somewhere else."
She said, "Then why Tom? Why would you even let her think you were interested? Why would you stand there and listen to her, and laugh, you just led her on, and trust me I don't like her at all, but I feel bad for any girl that is led on by a guy. It really hurts."
I said, "I guess I didn't realize that is what I was doing. Or I was being selfish. Do you want to know the truth Alyssa? At why I was over there, putting up with her boring stories."
Alyssa said, "yes."
I said, "I don't want to hurt you. But it's because of you. Because of your song."
She looked shocked. She said, "What?"
I said, " First, your voice is beautiful, like an angel, I'm convinced you could sing the phone book, and it would be magical and beautiful and a number one hit song. Every song you sing hits number one, I've googled all your songs."
She smiled. She said, "Thank you, for the compliments."
I said, "My problem with the song wasn't you. It's just I didn't want to have a bad look on my face, and then you think it was your voice, it's not you. It's just that song, it was disgusting to me."
She said, "What, why? I wrote it, well I wrote the words, Jordan helped, and he wrote the music."
I said, "Alyssa, you're young, and beautiful, he's old enough to be your dad. It's gross to me and you and Jordan were holding hands, looking into your eyes, you looking into his eyes, singing it like you were a couple. I didn't want to upset you and react bad to your song and hurt your feelings, so I tried to focus on that girl, but she was boring, so I just acted like I was."
Alyssa's view:
I don't know what to even think. My heart is racing, and the butterflies are back, is he jealous? I mean am I just hoping that he is jealous, so it sounds like he is. But did he say it is gross to see me and Jordan sing together, he talked about Jordan holding my hands, looking in my eyes.
I'm so relieved and so happy he has no idea how happy he just made me, when he said he doesn't have plans not now after the case to meet up with Kari or to have sex with her.
Not only that but he doesn't want to have sex with any girl right now. I'm a little hurt that he doesn't want to have sex with me, but at the same time relieved.
I know it sounds crazy, it's like I wish he wanted me like that, but I know I'm not sexy, so I get it. At the same time, I'm relieved he doesn't want sex, since if we did have sex, he'd hate it. He'd get another girl just like Rob did.
Tom's view:
Damn Hanson. Way to go. I can see that the wheels are turning in her head. You pretty much just f---- admitted that you are jealous. I need to think fast and save this before she asks me if I'm jealous.
I said, "Let me explain Alyssa. You are young, and beautiful, and I know you are going to find your dream man, and he will treat you so good, like a princess, and you will steal his heart."
I wanted to say like you have mine, like I would treat you if I had the chance to be your man.
I said, "I just hope that it's not with an old guy like Jordan. Because if I'm honest, I know I'm being judgmental, but I just think it would ruin your sweet girl rep. You're innocent. But a young girl who goes after an old guy, it looks bad. It looks like she is after money, after his money, and wants to be supported, and live off a man, and I know that you're not like that, I'm not saying you are, I just would hate to hear others say you are or read about people saying that about you. Because I know you're not that kind of girl. Now Kari yeah, I can see her go after an old guy and have him support her. Take his money, give him sex. But I know you wouldn't."
Alyssa's view:
I don't know what to say to that. Why would he think that Jordan and me. I mean Jordan is family to me. The only real family I have like had.
I said, 'Tom I don't understand why you would think that. Why anyone would think that. Jordan is like family to me. I wasn't close with my own family, and felt invisible to them, Jordan has included me in his family, with his kids, with his family in Boston. Jordan is like a big brother, that is how he treats me."
Tom said, "well that is not how it looked when you two were singing that duet."
I said, "Tom but that is how you sing a duet. How everyone sings a duet. You have to sell the song, sell what you are singing to your audience. I wrote a love song. It was when I was with Rob. It wasn't all just about me and Rob. But just about love. How love can change your life. How love finds you when you least expect it, and can turn your life upside down without warning."
I said, "Tom the song is about two lonely people, who had everything, money, a good job, friends, but were missing one thing love, they thought they were fine without it, thought they didn't need it, then fate brought them together, and they fell hard for each other, and they are singing about how their love has changed them, what it has brought to their life, they now feel complete, worthy, important, like they have it all, they didn't even know it was possible to be this happy."
"Tom to sing a song, you want the audience to feel it. If two people sing a duet, about love, and then don't look at each other, ignore each other, act indifferent to each other, the audience is going to notice that, and wonder why they don't like each other, and miss the song. You want the audience to buy into it."
Tom said, "I don't follow. So you are saying you want the audience to think you're in love with Jordan."
He looks hurt. Could it be possible he has feelings for me?
I said, "no Tom, and the audience no one is going to think that. They know that I am not with Jordan. Jordan is my friend, my boss, my manager, and like a brother to me. Jordan has referred to me as like family, like one of his little sister's. I meant when you sing a duet. Haven't you watched any award show, even country music where people sing duets."
Tom said, "no I don't watch award shows Alyssa."
I said, "okay well even happily married people when they sing duets with other artists, look into their eyes, hold their hands, I mean I've seen some artists when they sing a duet, get flirty even and in their face close, like almost touching, and it's all just getting into the song. I've only done a duet with Jordan, and ours is not like that, it's respectful, yes we hold hands, and look at each other, but we aren't over the top like most duets. I've heard from some artists that when they are on stage, singing a duet, and they do have a wife at home or a husband at home, that to make it believable the moment in the song, they think about their wife or their husband. For me I don't have that, I'm definitely not going to want to think about Rob."
Tom said, "I didn't know that is what you do on duets. I'm sorry Alyssa. If i hurt your feelings."
I said, "it's okay. I'm glad you told me. And I'm sorry for getting upset on you. It's just of all girls Tom, I'd rather it be any other girl than her."
Tom said, "Can I ask you something?"
I said, "Sure."
Tom said, "I'm pretty sure Kari thinks you are friends. I wasn't paying too much attention, but I did hear her bring your name up several times in stories."
I said, "yeah she thinks that we are friends. I don't want to be rude or mean to her. I know she doesn't have real friends. The girls who she hangs out with, talk bad about her behind her back, and I would never want to upset Marie. So I put up with her. I will do lunch with her when she comes to the studio, if she doesn't end up leaving with a guy. I just hate it because she usually has to fill me in on her latest conquest. In detail and I just don't want to hear it. I'm uncomfortable about it."
Tom said, "I guess I messed up. I'm sorry. I just didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I was wrong to even talk to her. I'm sorry Alyssa. I'm sorry I ruined your day, and made you upset. And made you worry about your safety. I want you to stay here. I will keep you safe."
I said, "Thank you so much Tommy." I hugged him.
Tom's view:
I feel like such an idiot right now. And I know I must look so stupid to Alyssa. My only defense besides the fact I was insane with jealousy is I didn't know that you had to sell the song when you sing a duet. She probably thinks I'm so stupid.
The way she described that song, is what she has done to me. Literally word for word. It could be our song.
I thought I didn't need love, didn't need a commitment, I was happy with the casual relationships, never keep a girl around for more than 2 months, on to the next one.
I didn't know what I was missing being in love. How good it can make you feel.
I can only imagine how much more I would feel if she felt the same. How happy I would feel.
Alyssa gave me a hug, and it feels so good to have her in my arms. It takes all the willpower I have to not kiss her, or ask her if I can kiss her.
I think about that a lot. Late at night, when I can't sleep, because of the beautiful girl sleeping in the next room.
I think about after this case is over, getting the courage up to ask her out on a real date, how I would do it, what words to say, where I would take her, and if I should ask her to kiss her, or just kiss her.
I've never asked a girl to let me kiss her, I've just done it, and they were ok with it, but Alyssa is not like any other girl I've ever met. She's different. She's special. She's like a princess to me, and I want to do things the right way with her. And that would be being a gentlemen with her, asking to kiss her, no sex.
Alyssa drew me out of my thoughts, when she said, "Tom what did you mean consequences of sex for other people in your life."
I was hoping she would forget about that. But I brought it up and told her I would tell her.
I said, "I have never had a real girlfriend, the girls I've been with that I've dated, our relationships were casual, and the longest I think has been 3 months. And most of the 3 months, I was trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship without hurting her. I was trying to be a jerk hoping that she would not be happy with me and want to dump me. She was a sweet girl, and had told me she loved me, and I've never been in love and didn't love her, but I didn't want to hurt her by dumping her."
She said, "so how did you end things, did she dump you?"
I said, "no actually she was murdered."
She said, "oh Tommy I'm so sorry."
I said, "Actually I felt like and still do feel like I got her killed."
She said, "Tom no I'm sure you didn't. Was it one of your cases? That is not your fault."
I said, "no it wasn't a case. She wanted to have date night, and wanted to go out to eat, and I was like I said trying to be a jerk, I was arguing with her, saying I didn't want to go out, and so she said fine be that way, why don't we just get food at the convenience store, so we did that, and there was a robbery she was in the aisle the guy shot her Alyssa, I saw it all, and I just stood there, it happened so fast, and I don't know why I didn't run and push her out of the way.
I still feel guilt about that, but now I wish I would not have told Alyssa. How could I just open up to her like that. Because now she's probably terrified that I'll let the stalker get her. I need to fix this.
I said, "Alyssa please don't worry. I know what you're thinking. That you are in danger now, because I'll mess up. I won't. I promise. I was a young cop Alyssa. First year on the job. Please you're safe. I will protect you."
She said, "I know Tom. I feel safe."
I said, "I still feel guilty, because if I would have just done the right thing, sat her down told her I didn't love her, I wanted to end things, date other girls, she'd be alive. I didn't want to hurt her, and we were in that store because I was trying to get her to dump me."
Alyssa said, "I'm sorry Tom. That you have to carry that guilt."
I said, "Anyway after that I didn't do any relationships, just hookup, not see the girl again. Then I met Jackie, and I didn't love her, but we were having fun, and she betrayed me. And because of me being with her, Adam could have lost part of his pension, he was suspended because I trusted her. I just realized that I need to make sure the girl I hook up with I can trust. I have thought about it, and I don't want my friends to pay the price for my mistake. Like say I'm with a girl and she's jealous and so Judy calls me because she is in trouble and needs me, I'm in the other room, this girl deletes the message. I don't know Judy is in trouble, and so I don't go. I'd never forgive myself if something like that happened."
Alyssa said, "I understand. I would hope no girl would do that to another girl, but I know that it does happen.