"You never thought you'd get this attached, did you?"
****************
One month Later...
Nikolas's POV
I was enveloped in a calm state of serenity, my mind almost at ease and my body relaxed, until just two seconds ago.
Why, you might ask.
The isolated sanctuary I'd created for myself, away from everyone, was fractured as low chattering sounds reverberated from outside my house, accompanied by the unmistakable clinking of keys—I could have sworn that I had confiscated my keys from him, so, how in god's name did he manage to get them back again?
The muscles of my jaw worked as I heard the main door open and footsteps echoed close, someone walking into my house like he fucking owned it.
Summoning all of my willpower, I sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep calm. There was no need to disturb my peace of mind with him and his antics. I am calm.
My gaze drifted from the TV's screen to my lap, where Nachos lay peacefully asleep, blissfully unaware of the impending disturbance.
His eyes blinked open as the unwelcome guests approached, and he rose to his little four paws, stretching his body before affectionately nuzzling beneath my chin. With a gentle leap, he climbed up my chest, reaching my shoulder and curling into a snug ball by the crook of my neck. He's gotten much bigger lately but somehow he still fits there.
Drawing closer, I pressed a tender kiss to the top of his furry orangy head.
"Jesus Christ," Alex's startled mumble broke the peaceful silence, causing me to lift my gaze. He stood in the doorway, gaping at me with slightly terrified eyes. Right next to him, Ronald took a pause, lines creasing his forehead as his eyes fell on me.
Calm...I will stay calm. Fucking calm.
Ignoring the two unwelcomed guests, I averted my gaze back to the TV, trying to focus all of my senses only on it and nothing else —But when did I ever get what I wanted in this life?
Alex walked closer, standing right across from me and obstructing my view, he said something but I had already clogged my ears, prohibiting them from listening to his voice. Tilting my head to the side, I tried to resume watching the football match.
Groaning in annoyance, Alex picked up the remote and turned the TV off, not used to being ignored.
He discarded it away and out of my reach before sitting on the center table right across from me, crowding my personal space in ways I despised. He gave me a knowing challenging look, his eyebrow raising before his eyes flickered all over me and lines etched his forehead, his eyebrows pulled closer, "God, look at you," He said in a very dissatisfied tone, "When was the last time you took a shower?" He added and I kept glaring at him, "Or even shaved? Or cut your hair?" He said, carrying on insulting me before his gaze flickered further down my body, "And since when do you wear shorts?"
Confusion tightened the lines between his eyebrows and he tilted his head, "I think this is the first time I am actually seeing your legs," Amused, his eyes met mine again and he nodded approvingly, "Wow."
And no, he wasn't done yet.
"You look so miserable," He added.
God, I was okay; why was he here, now? What does he want from me?
He turned to Ronald, "I am the better-looking brother, right?" He questioned, smiling brightly at the notion.
My eyes went to Ronald, who returned Alex's words with a very faint smile. His gaze met mine and I could still see it in his eyes, buried beneath the heavy waves of blue; all the devastation, all the exhaustion, and the pain. It was still there.
Unable to meet my scrutinizing gaze for too long, he broke it and looked away, swallowing hard before he scratched at the back of his neck.
I haven't seen him since the day I dropped him at his...sister's house. I don't know what happened after and I didn't want to know so I steered away, clinging to the serene peacefulness of being alone. I was okay, up till now.
Alex's eyes flickered back to my legs and I shifted in my seat, "Stop looking at my legs!" I shot out, finally speaking because he was making me uncomfortable.
His eyes met mine, "Hey, I am just amused," He shot back, his eyebrows pulling closer, genuinely curious, "How much do you work out on leg's-day, huh?" He asked.
Calm and easy, Nikolas. Calm and easy.
He is your little brother and you love him.
Calm and easy.
His eyes went to Ronald, "Anyway, does she look like this, too?" He asked, "As miserable as he is looking right now?"
Ronald nodded grimly, "Yeah, if not worse."
Alex's eyes widened in mock horror, "God, there's worse than this?" he exclaimed, gesturing towards me with a hint of disdain, "Is she not showering too?" he added, his tone lacing with sarcasm. I felt a surge of irritation rising within me. I had showered this morning right after my run—why was he being such an asshole?
His gaze flickered back to me, particularly toward my legs, gesturing at them, "Is she also flaunting her toned legs for all to see?" he asked, a mischievous glint in his eye as he lifted his eyes and gave me a wink.
I hate him, sometimes.
"Why are you here?" I grumbled out.
"Actually, it's me —who wanted to see you," Ronald spoke, grabbing my attention to him, "I need a favor."
"I've done you enough favors, leave me alone," I said in annoyance, having no energy for this or them as I climbed up to my feet, ready to storm off to anywhere else but here; apparently I can't even rest in my own fucking house anymore.
Nachos jumped off my shoulder, his paws landing on the floor, his little tail swinging left and right as he strode off, getting annoyed too by these people.
Alex's hand landed on my chest, stopping me from escaping and he tried to push me back into my seat but of course, he couldn't. His eyes flickered to where his hand was, glaring at my chest, "God, what are you made of?" He grumbled, choosing today to be impressed by my body for some fucking reason.
He curled his hand into a fist and playfully pushed it into my chest, testing, "Wow," He said, amused before he looked up at me and rolled his eyes at my harsh deathly glare, "Just sit down and hear him out, don't be so unpleasant."
Finally, he took his hand away from my chest, one second longer and I was going to ram his face into the nearest wall. A loud, exasperated sigh escaped my lips as I sank back onto the couch. Frustrated, I ran a hand over my face and through my hair, pushing back the strands that had fallen onto my forehead. Alex was right—my hair had gotten longer.
I looked at Ronald, "As you can see, I am in no condition to be granting anyone any favors, so—"
"It's Natalie," He cut through, interrupting me.
My jaw ticked, teeth nearly grinding together with the intensity of my frustration. Did I not make a fucking rule, for her name to never be mentioned in this house ever again?
"Look Nikolas, I never thought I'd ever ask something like this from you, but I really don't know what to do anymore," Ronald spoke, helplessness seeping through his words as he edged closer, trying to make his point clear.
I fought against the thoughts that threatened to consume me—thoughts of possible outcomes, of her wavering state, of her face and eyes. It was enough that she haunted my dreams and nightmares; I preferred not to let her haunt my wakeful moments too.
Before Ronald could continue, I shook my head, cutting him off, "It doesn't concern me, Ronald. She's your sister," I replied, coldness creeping into my tone, "Deal with it. She's your responsibility. I don't want to be dragged into the middle of it."
Alex, clearly not satisfied with my response, moved to express his displeasure, delivering a harsh kick to my leg and shooting me a glare, "Listen to him," he gritted out.
"Nikolas, she is not okay, she—"
"Of course, she is not okay, Ronald," I shot out, my anger bubbling beneath the surface as I held him with a glare, "She lost her brother, she is grieving."
Ronald shook his head, the frustration evident in his tone with each word, "No, that's the thing—she's not. She's not grieving; she's just isolating herself from everyone. She doesn't listen to me, not even to Dad. She hasn't spoken, not even a single word since... since it happened," His voice wavered with emotion, each word feeding the growing sense of unease in my chest.
"She's not eating, she's not sleeping... she's slowly deteriorating, and I don't know what to do anymore. She's slipping right through my fingers."
He shook his head, furious, "She is all I have left, Nikolas," His voice tightened at the bitter truth, the pain still pretty evident in his voice and body language, "I can't lose her too."
My fingers twitched, again, and I curled my hand into a fist over my thigh, trying to control the chaos that tumbled through me.
I looked at him, "Why me?" I asked with a low sigh.
"Because you are so unpleasant and you happen to push everyone's buttons, so he is hoping you'd push hers too," Alex grumbled in mockery while glaring at me, "Why else, Nikolas," He shot out; like it was so easy to figure out, "You love her, she loves you, just figure the rest out."
"She is refusing to face any of this," Ronald added, "So, maybe if she saw you, if you talked to her, maybe she'd listen to you out of everyone," He shook his head, powerless against the unfolding events, "I don't exactly have any other options right now."
A heavy breath pushed off his lungs, "So, please," He added, desperate, "This will be the last thing I ever ask from you."
I tore my gaze away from him, briefly meeting Alex's eyes before lowering my head to my lap. My hand moved over the back of my neck, tiredly rubbing at the aching muscles. A lump formed in my throat, a burning sensation searing through my chest. Aren't they taking into consideration the fact that me facing her, would only result in ruining us both instead of fixing her? Can't they see it?
I rubbed my eyes, defenseless because it was her after all. I nodded my head, "Okay," I mumbled lowly.
Ronald's tensed shoulders dropped down, breathing out a low breath before he crashed on the couch next to me. Alex's eyes flickered from him and to me. He shook his head disapprovingly, "But first we need to do something about this," He said, gesturing at me, addressing my current state, "Go take a shower and shave, wear something nice and cover those damn legs, I can't have you breaking hearts left and right, come on," He added, his tone part serious, part playful.
He met my annoyed gaze with a small smile, trying to earn forgiveness for being extra annoying today. Still, I couldn't help but question his desire to help Natalie when he had shown his disapproval of her many times, "Weren't you angry at her, what changed?"
My words made his smile drop down, "I still am so mad at her," He grunted in response, "But I love Ronald, so I am choosing to forgive her for his sake," He pulled up to his feet, edging closer and ruffling Ronald's hair, who pushed his head out of Alex's reach, which in its turn made Alex smack the back of his head playfully, "Don't run away from my loving touch," He warned.
Having enough of this and trying to speed up the process, I got up to my feet, ready to get this over with.
"Where to?" Alex asked as I walked away.
"To take a shower," I said, feeding into his nonsense.
Chuckling, he asked, "Want help?"
Pausing, I turned around and stared at him in utter bafflement. I shook my head, "You make me question a lot of things," I mumbled lowly.
He chuckled and waved me off, "Shut up, you love me," He said as he turned around, "Now, go and dress up for your girlfriend. Be quick, we don't have all day," He added before he disappeared down the hallway.
I am calm. I am so fucking calm...
Locking the door behind me, I stepped into the bathroom, the cool tiles under my feet a stark contrast to the heat raging through my chest. Pausing by the sink, I rested my palms on its edges, my gaze fixed on the reflection staring right back at me. I tried to suck into a deep calming breath but failed, each one felt like a struggle, as if the air itself resisted entering my lungs fully.
How do they expect me to go and offer her comfort, to help her deal with this when I can't even deal with it myself?
The weight of his absence pressed down on me, a heavy burden I couldn't shake. How could I tell her to move on, to grieve and find peace, when his memory still lingered in every corner of my mind? I can't...can't possibly shake his fearful voice out of my brain. I can't stop imagining his tears; his pain and his agony in those last few moments...
With a clenched jaw, I released my grip on the sink. Blinking away the haze, I reached for the razor, the metallic scraped against my skin as I shaved away the remnants of stubble before I stepped into the shower. The icy water cascaded over me in a futile attempt to wash away the agitation accumulating within. But even the cold couldn't numb the ache in my heart or grant me the strength I needed to face her.
After I was done, I changed into casual attire, fixing up my hair before I picked up a jacket and left my room, heading back to where they were seated and waiting.
Alex's eyes were on the phone as he munched at his apple. My footsteps grabbed his attention, and his mouth broke into a satisfied smile, nodding his head in approval, "See, now you look more like someone I can call a brother," He said, getting up to his feet and walking closer as his gaze flickered at me from head to toe. What's with him today and his fucking interest in my appearance?
He threw his half-eaten apple at Ronald who startingly caught it. "You know what, we don't have a picture together, come here, let me take a picture," He said, opening the front camera of his phone and snapping a few shots without my permission.
He lowered his phone to have a quick look at them. He opened the first one and made a tsk-sound, "Nik, my sweet pain in the ass, when you are taking a selfie, you should actually look at the camera," He opened the second and sighed, "And you shouldn't be frowning," he flipped to the third and let out a low groan, "And you shouldn't be glaring at me!"
Lifting his gaze to meet mine, he shot me a hard glare, "You are so tiring to deal with, you know that?"
He means himself apparently because as we all can see, I haven't even spoken a word and he didn't shut up since he invaded my house.
I ignored him for the sake of my mental health. Silently, Ronald got up to his feet and followed suit as we exited the house. I was heading for my car but Alex's hand grasped at my sleeves, forcing me to halt, "No, you come with me, I will drive you there," He said.
My eyebrows pulled closer and I shook my head, "No, thank you. I am perfectly capable of driving."
He shook his head, "No, not happening. I don't trust you," He said, grasping at my arm and pulling me toward his car, "I know you, you might just run away and never go there, or your suicidal self would run the car off a cliff," He opened the passenger seat, "Get in."
I was so close to curling my hand over his shirt and pushing him away and maybe punching him or something. I was so close. He is really testing my patience today.
I looked at Ronald, questioning if he was going to join me there, or if I was supposed to be alone with her, within the confines of four walls; not a wise option I might add. He shook his head, "I will go check on Dad, and," He said, inching closer and handing me a spare key to her apartment, "And if anything happens, just call me," He mumbled, a tiny little hope on his expression, wishing I'd be the one to break through her walls and shatter them.
He gave me an appreciative nod, "Thank you," He mumbled lowly before he bid goodbye to Alex and headed for his car. Alex let out a low sigh, "That kid sure pulls at my heart," He mumbled, the apparent shift in Ronald's old positive energy not settling well with him.
Shaking all those confusing troubling thoughts away, I climbed into the car, and Alex followed suit. He turned the engine on and drove off. After a short while, he looked at his phone, reading something before he glanced at me, "Hey, is it okay if I pass by home first?" He asked, "For just a minute."
I silently nodded my head. The longer it takes for me to face her, the better.
When he arrived, he parked the car in the driveway and opened the door, "I will be quick, just a minute," he informed and I nodded, having no problem with it at all.
He headed toward the entrance, opened the door, and walked inside. Feeling the need for some fresh air, I went down as well. Leaning my back against the car, I could do nothing but stare ahead. I couldn't help but recall the last time I was here; how the drug drove me to the point of utter madness, pushing me to overstep my boundaries, seeking answers from Cara.
My throat bobbed as I swallowed hard and my gaze fell to the ground, a grey cloud taking over my head when I couldn't shake the reality of everything that Natalie had done to me.
My eyelids fell down, I tried to think, to rehearse what I was supposed to do or say to her. I could hear Alex's distant voice, then his footsteps started to echo near. I gathered my thoughts and inhaled a calming breath. Alex's steps were much closer now, his voice piercing right through the madness in my head, and he seemed to be talking on the phone with someone.
"Yeah, I told you about it before, why can't you-" He was rambling something over the phone, a hint of annoyance in his tone and I finally allowed my eyelids to glide open, lifting my head to look at him as he was edging so close to me now.
It all happened so fast that my brain short-circuited, refusing to accept the reality unfolding right before my eyes. Alex had...something, someone wrapped in between his arms, and all of a sudden, he pushed it into my chest, moving his phone away from his ear, "Hey, can you hold him for a bit," He said, like this was so fucking normal, "I need to take this."
My trembling hands grasped into what he suddenly pushed into my embrace, my wide eyes only on Alex's retreating back as he strode away from me, the phone pressed to his ear as he went on rambling again.
I felt a wave of hot and cold wash all over me. It felt as if the world was moving a bit faster, then faster, so fucking fast, till it spun out of control, leaving me gasping for air in its wake.
I couldn't fucking breathe.
And I couldn't lower my gaze, couldn't manage to look or face what was held and nestled between my quivering terrified hands.
Then, a low little squeal broke through the chaos tumbling in my veins, the soft delicate sound pierced through the cacophony, tore into the darkness, and shattered my heart into a million different pieces.
Finally, I...I slowly...slowly and cautiously lowered my gaze down, my heart erratic, beating in my ears as my eyes met his big innocent green ones. He was looking up at me, a bit confused and curious and he blinked. In his tiny hands, he held a small cracker, nestled between his little fingers, so little fingers, and pressed against his rosy lips as he suckled on it with delight.
He blinked and I finally blinked too, finally managed to suck in my lost breath. My heart skipped a beat, or two, or maybe three...I didn't know, everything in me just spiraled out of control.
The wave that hit me was uncontrollable and I just felt it, hot and cold as it trickled down my cheek, followed by another, then another as I gazed at him, trying to understand everything I was feeling but I kept failing.
I failed to understand this foreign feeling pressing so fucking tight over my chest.
I failed to comprehend what was happening to me.
He pulled the cracker away from his lips and allowed it to fall to the ground before he let out another soft sound, a low babble as if trying to communicate with me, using his very own language. His face mirrored the sounds he was making, his little hands moving, his chubby cheeks dimpled with a small smile, his rosy lips forming the most adorable pout as another soft coo erupted from his mouth, and his tiny body shifted between my hands.
Involuntarily, a very small smile lifted my lips and I finally gained control over my body and muscles, using my arms to pull him closer, cradle him right up against my chest, tightly grasping into him, scared my nerves would fail and my hands would malfunction and he'd fall out of my grasp.
He stared up at me, and he curiously brought his little hand to my face, his fingers fluttered and moved over my cheek, over the few tears that involuntary spilled out and I smiled again, breathing him in as I whispered, "Hey."
He responded with a low babble and my heart leaped, soared, it flew, it fell, and crashed, experiencing every emotion out there, both good and bad.
Keeping him tucked so close to my chest, to my erratic heart, I brought my other hand, my quivering fingers rested over his warm cheek, gently brushing his soft skin; it was so white, so pure, he felt so fragile, like he could shatter underneath my touch.
My fingers moved, brushing the few delicate strands of his hair away from his temple. They were so light, a chestnut brownish color, a total contrast to my darker ones. But...but those eyes —they were my own.
They were just lighter, tenderer, and so innocent; unaware of the cruelness this world holds, and god, I never wanted them to taste even an ounce of pain.
His little fingers resumed their discovery, gently fluttering over my face, discovering as they went over my nose and my lips. My thumb brushed the top of his warm pinkish cheek, "You don't know who I am," I whispered, my heart breaking all over again, "But I feel like I know you."
Lines etched tight at my forehead, "Do you know that..." I spoke, my voice so low, "Do you know that a part of me kept fighting only for you," I added, the heavy emotions filling my eyes again, "Because I wanted to make this world a better place for you."
Silently, he just listened to me, almost like he understood me, innocently blinking, and his tiny hand stayed on my face, his sweet touch forging a connection so deep, etching it into the core of my being.
"Because the only thing that could ever fix me," I added, "Is to watch you have everything I couldn't get. To witness you become everything that I am not," My smile was bittersweet, the look in his baby eyes breaking my heart and healing me altogether, "And I am sure that you will," I leaned down, my eyelids falling as my lips gently pressed over his forehead, my lungs sucking in his beautiful heartwrenching scent, storing it somewhere inside, "You will be the best there is."
My arms tightened further around his frail body, my lips pressed into his temple and cheek, my nose buried in his hair. He smelled of shampoo, of soap, and a very unique baby scent that was just him.
I never wanted to forget what he smelled like, what he felt like cradled between my arms. I never wanted this moment to end. I never wanted to let go. I just wanted to be locked in here forever.
But I know that I can't.
I know that eventually, I will have to let go.
I know...I know...
Tears gathered in my eyes again because this was stripping everything away from me. My control and my logic eluded me. My shattered heart wept in my chest, unable to understand how he was being healed and torn apart at the same time.
God, I knew, I knew that —he was both my reward and punishment.
He was the only good that came out of the bad.
A good I will have to protect at all costs, even from far far away.
My arms tightened and I buried my face in his little neck, my tears flowed through as I brokenly whispered, "I love you so much."
My logic started to kick in and I knew that I needed to get a grip on myself, to gather my wavering pieces together, that Alex would come back any minute now, that he did all of this on purpose, he did it for me and I didn't know what to feel anymore.
Keeping him up tight against my chest, I used my free hand to wipe my tears away. His baby eyes followed every movement I made, and he was just so calm, his expression so serene, yet powerful enough to put an end to the hurricane raging in me.
I smiled, because how could I look at his face and not? His lips twitched and he brought his hand back to my face, poking my eye as he let out a low sound of delight, gurgling as he reached for the side of my hair and pulled at a couple of strands.
I couldn't help but chuckle lowly at everything he is; couldn't help but catch that little glimmer in his eyes, one that was so familiar, "You are gonna be just like Alex, aren't you," I mumbled, the thought alone so calming.
"I want you to be just like him, because, and you can't tell him I said so, but..." My gaze flickered to him at a distance, still pretending to be engrossed in his phone call just so I could have this moment. I looked back at Max, "But he is the best there is."
I carressed his face tenderly, "You are so lucky," I said.
Babbling still in his own language, he reached for my hair again, clearly enjoying tugging at it way too much. Just then, I heard footsteps drawing closer, "That's my boy, pull harder," Her encouraging voice made my head shoot up, a bit taken aback by her appearance.
She paused right across from us, a smile on her face as she gazed at him. Her eyes flickered to me and her smile fell down, glaring at me nonchalantly before she pulled the beanie in her hand up, and showed it to me, "Alex forgot his hat," She mumbled, edging closer to fix it over Max's head.
I kept looking at her because I knew, I knew that Alex would've never done this if she hadn't accepted it first and she did. She is allowing me to see him, to hold him, she is giving me this chance; why would she ever do that?
My throat burned, my brain was overwhelmed as I questioned everything.
She keeps proving to me that she is stronger than anyone I've known, that she is better, so much better; that she is a great mother. He was lucky indeed, so lucky. My erratic heart calmed down a bit because nothing else mattered but this. Nothing was more important than this very fact. That even though I will be far away, that he will always be beyond my reach, at least he will be okay. He will be safe.
Only now that I understood this foreign feeling clamoring in my chest, it was selfless love; one I'd never experienced before toward anyone, an instinct that developed within me so fast. With Lilly, I was selfish, even with Alex, I loved him selfishly, and the same goes with Natalie.
My eyes went to Max, watching him clap his hands excitedly, smiling and laughing with his mother as she fixed the beanie over his head and I realized that; I love him, selflessly. I don't matter in here, only he matters. I don't expect anything in return. The agony of being away from him doesn't matter. His safety, his happiness, his health, and his wellness, that's the only thing that matters.
He babbled more to his mother and she scrunched her nose at him, adorably smiling back at his happy self before she leaned down and kissed his forehead, "Keep pulling at his hair, okay?" She whispered to him, but made sure I was hearing too, "You can spit on him too. Also, keep crying in the car, never stop disturbing them," She added, playfully pinching his cheek before she pulled back.
Her eyes flickered back to me and I mumbled lowly, "Thank you," Because I never even dared to imagine this moment yet here she was, granting it to me.
She rolled her eyes, "I am not doing you any favors," She said.
Before we could say another word, Max started to excitedly jump in my embrace, his overhyped energy almost causing him to slip from my grasp if it weren't for my tight hold. That's when I noticed Alex approaching us, Max's eyes fixed on him as he bounced and babbled excitedly.
Alex chuckled and paused beside us, cupping Max's face in one hand and planting a big kiss on his cheek, "Love you," he said, and Max responded with a delighted coo, his attention solely on...on his father.
As I watched them, a smile tugged at my lips, my crazy heart calming down, reminding me that there was still so much good left in this world.
Alex's gaze flickered to Cara, edging closer and quickly pecking her cheek, "I will drop Nik at his girlfriend's house and be back," He informed and she nodded her head with a small smile.
"She is not my girlfriend—" I hissed under my breath, annoyed with him saying that word over and over again.
Alex rolled his eyes at me and Cara couldn't help but mumble lowly with a sigh, "Oh, the poor girl," She added in pity.
Alex opened the backseat door, urging me to buckle Max in his baby seat. Cara waved one last bye at him, warmly smiling as she said, "Give them a hard time, okay baby?" Max responded by raising his hand and waving it in a bye-bye manner, still bouncing and happy, his excitement palpable now that he realized he was getting into the car.
I carefully settled him into the seat and secured his seatbelt. He looked up at me, smiling with that little adorable dimple before as he lifted his hand and pulled at my hair one more time. Yeah, he was his mother's son after all.
Gently, I took his tiny hand in mine, smiling wholeheartedly as I planted a soft kiss on it before stepping back. Alex flashed him a smile too before he closed the door, and we both got back inside the car before he drove off.
I couldn't help but glance back at him, checking that he was safely seated. His little hands were grasping at the seatbelt, inching it closer to his mouth and trying to suck at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Alex glanced at him through the rearview mirror, "He is the cutest little thing in this whole world, isn't he?"
I breathed in, my tensed shoulders relaxing as I nodded my head, "He is."
My gaze went back to Alex and he briefly turned to me, catching the appreciative look in my eyes. Before I could say it, he shook his head and waved me off, attempting to switch the conversation to a playful one immediately, "You see, this is why I fixed you up," He said, gesturing at me from up to down, "Couldn't have you meet him looking like that miserable thing you were."
My lips twitched, and I shook my head at him. As I relaxed back into my seat, Alex turned up the radio, filling the car with the sweet melody of a baby's nursery rhyme. The music captured Max's attention immediately, bringing a big smile to his face. His few teeth peeked out as he clapped his hands to the rhythm.
He bounced and laughed all the way, till all of his energy got depleted and after a while, he relaxed into his seat, his eyelids dropping down as he sank into dreamland. I couldn't help but drink into his peaceful features for a moment too long, trying to capture every little detail of his face and etch them into my memories.
Alex slowed the car when we reached our destination, coming to a stop by the side of the road. I sucked into a deep breath before I turned to Max one last time, trying to gather my strength to face what was coming.
"Call me, okay?" Alex said, and I nodded my head. He turned his body around, gazing at a fast-asleep Max and a warm proud smile broke over his lips. He looked back at me, his eyebrow raising, "Try not to be so unpleasant," He warned, "Despite everything, she needs you now."
I nodded my head, aware of that fact, but it didn't make it any easier.
His smile wavered and he added, "It's not that easy to lose a brother, you know that," Oh, I knew it better than anyone.
With one last exchanged look, I went down and walked inside the building as he drove away. Climbing up the stairs, I reached her apartment, pausing by the threshold of her door. I rested my eyelids for a second before I curled my hand and knocked, attempting to give her a chance before having to use the keys.
A couple of minutes passed and not a single sound echoed from inside. Based on Ronald's description, I figured she wouldn't open the door. Sighing lowly, I used the keys he gave me and opened the door, stepping inside before I clicked it shut behind me. My gaze flickered around the house, assessing my surroundings and trying to catch any clue of what could've transpired here in the past month.
I heard a soft pitter-patter sound, my eyes drifted and landed on Natalie's cat as she exited the living room and walked down the hallway, sensing the other presence in the house as she gracefully walked toward me. Crouching down, I smiled as she nuzzled herself into me, meowing lowly as she tried to rub her face all over my legs and arms, seeking affection.
I gently brushed the top of her head before I climbed up to my feet and headed forward to the living room in search of her owner.
I paused by the door, the image of her after a whole fucking month halting me in my steps. My heart harshly rattled against my ribcage as my gaze found her. Silently, she was sitting on the couch, like a small fragile little thing. Her legs were pulled up, her elbow pressed into the armrest, and her cheek resting wearily against her palm.
Blonde strands of hair escaped her messy bun, framing her face, which seemed paler and thinner than before; Energyless and empty as the weight of her inner struggle tried to resurface but she never allowed it to.
Her vacant gaze was fixed on the TV screen, but I knew she wasn't truly watching or listening to a single word. It was just a background noise to fill the void, I'd know. I was doing the exact same thing.
I took a step inside, then another one. She blinked, registering my presence from her peripheral vision but she didn't turn to face me yet. The hand she had resting in her lap twitched, her fingers quivered and she curled into a fist. Yeah, she saw me.
I took another step closer, "Natalie," I softly called for her.
The muscles of her jaw worked at the sound of my voice and her name, but still, she refused to turn and face me.
My gaze fell beside her, where two empty bottles of liquor lay on the ground by the couch's side. The burn in my throat amplified as I tried to imagine all that she had been going through over the past month.
I rushed a hand over my face and forced myself to move closer and crowd her personal space. I paused, standing right across from her and obstructing her view. She kept staring ahead, at nothing in specific, not once daring to lift her head and look me in the eye.
Realizing she never was going to do it. I lowered my body down, crouching across from her, leveling our faces together. That's when our eyes finally met, the blue waves clashing with my green forest, drowning and suffocating them.
My heart quivered, the force of her gaze alone propelling me backward and I wanted to run away from here, to escape, and never have to face her.
She hid it well; the pain, she covered it under wraps but it was so close to breaking through, and the longer I kept looking at her, the faster it seemed ready to unravel. I brought my hand forward, gently resting it over hers. The second our skin met, she seemed to slightly wince, almost like I'd scorched her.
The palm cradling her cheek fell and finally, a different expression broke into her features; anything other than that vacant look was acceptable to me now.
She pulled her hand from my touch and she looked away, aware of the fact that I was so close, that I could shatter through her walls like she can do to mine.
"You're not going to say anything," I spoke.
The muscles of her jaw worked and she turned her head back, facing me again.
"I knew Ronald would send you," She spoke, her voice a bit hard, choosing anger as her defense mechanism. Now, I realized why Ronald asked me to come here; at least I made her speak, accomplishing in mere seconds what they couldn't in a month.
I nodded my head, "He is worried about you," I said.
She scoffed, mockery woven in her voice, "Yeah, probably scared I will do something reckless, like what he once did," She said, her tone tight as she tried to press harder on the lid covering each one of her troubled feelings.
I shook my head, "He is scared of losing you, Natalie."
Her jaw tightened and her gaze flickered down to the little empty space between us, "Can you...move back," She said, her hard tone almost wavering.
"Why?" I asked.
"You're so close," She mumbled.
"And?"
She looked up and held me with a glare, "And I don't want you to be close."
I shrugged, "I am not even touching you, you can move yourself, if you want."
She understood what I was doing; My technique to push her limits didn't settle well with her. Her jaw was so tight, it was ready to snap under the force she was exerting. Her eyes went right, trying to scoot away so she'd be able to push herself off the couch but my palm landed on the couch, right next to her thigh, blocking her attempt.
Her eyes fell into my hand and she whipped her head toward me, "Move," She grated out, angrily.
My eyebrow raised and I shook my head. A low frustrated groan rumbled from her throat and she pressed her hand over my chest, using whatever power left in her to push me away. Her feet fell to the ground when I edged backward but she wasn't done. I climbed up to my feet as she did, and her hands landed on my chest, "Move, leave, get out of here," She shot out, panting, struggling to get a grip and she clung to the rage, her little hands curling into fists as she pushed me away.
"Get out!" She grated out, her voice bellowing into the four walls, but its echo was quivering, "I don't want you here—"
"Why? Because you know that I can make you face all of this," I said back, refusing to step back as she let all of her fury out on me.
My words made her pause in her attack. She edged backward, breaking contact, and her eyes, those blue flames, were blazing, lethal, and enough to destroy me. I didn't like the look that took over her face, I didn't like it one bit, "You all think you are so smart, you all think you know exactly what I am going through, don't you," She said, her voice lower now but somehow more deadly.
"I know what I am doing, okay, I know what I am supposed to do, I don't need you to come here and help me face it, I know exactly how to face it," She said, pressing her hand to her chest, "Remember, I have a degree in this field," She added in mockery.
"When my mother died, I had to grief her so quickly, I had to do it the healthy fast way, I had to stand on my feet, be responsible, and resume my life, I had to because I had no other choice, I had to survive somehow, and I did," She added and bitterness coiled my stomach, "I couldn't slip down, I couldn't be reckless, I couldn't run away, I had to do it, all of it, because I was alone, because I had a dad to look after and I needed to do everything by the fucking book—"
"So now, now, I deserve this, I deserve to run away, I deserve to shut everyone out, I deserve to block it, to turn it off, I deserve to do it as everyone else does it, I deserve to be reckless, to be selfish, to be stupid, to refuse to deal with it, I deserve this—" Her hand was shaking as she curled it into a fist and pressed it to her chest, "And when the time comes, I will face it all, I will grieve it the right way, I know how to, don't worry, I don't need...you or Ronald or anyone else to teach me."
"And what do you plan to do till then?" I asked, even though she was doing it willingly, I was not letting her ruin herself this way, "Isolate yourself from everyone? Sit over there and drink yourself to oblivion...is that how you are going to do it?"
"It's none of your business how I do it," She shot back, "I don't see you out there trying to make world peace, so I could only assume you've been doing the exact same thing," Oh, she still knew me so fucking well.
"Nikolas, you didn't come here the day he died," She added, the blame scratching at her throat and she shook her head, "So, I don't want you here now."
I nodded my head, "You're right, I didn't."
Her broken eyes flickered all over my face, they were dry, so dry but they expressed so much more than tears could ever speak of, "No, instead you sent Ronald alone, because you knew that you couldn't face me," She added, always reading me like an open book, "Because you promised me...you promised me that you'd keep him safe and you didn't."
I shook my head, "I didn't," I said and even though every word, every truth was breaking me apart, I wasn't going to give up till I pushed her to the limit, "I didn't, and —he died," I took a step closer, "Do you know that I talked to him on the phone that day?" This ought to unravel her like it keeps doing to my sanity, "When he was trapped inside, I talked to him."
And there it was, that little twitch in her eyes, the slight tremble in her lips and I pushed harder, "Do you know what he told me?" I added, a part of me breaking as I attempted to break her alongside me.
"He said that he didn't want to die," I said, his weak voice replayed for the millionth time in my head, "He begged me not to leave him in there—"
"Nikolas, st...stop," She said, still trying to stay strong but she was shaking on the inside, "Leave, now," She added, strictly.
I didn't stop. "He said that he wanted to go out," I continued, "That he wanted to be with you, with Ronald, and even with me," He trusted me, "He said that he wanted to see the world, that he was just a kid," I grated out, the pain clogging my throat, the pain that made her chest heave, unable to catch her next breath and I kept pushing, "Just a kid, Natalie, a kid who wanted a normal simple life."
"A kid who didn't want to die—"
She marched forward, her hands curling over the collar of my shirt, grasping so tightly, "Stop!" Her voice pushed and pulsed, it echoed into the whole house, "Stop, stop," Still, no tears, but redness rushed through the white of her eyes, the veins ready to explode if she pressed any harder, "Why are you telling me this, I don't want to know, I don't want to know, so just stop!"
I brought my hands up, resting them over hers, curling them around her shaky fingers, "Why are you doing this to me, just go, please, just leave," Her voice lowered and so did the the speed of my heartbeats.
I shook my head, "I am not going anywhere," I said.
She was panting, her chest pushing up and down, brushing mine with every breath she tried to suck in, wheezing under the affliction I was forcing on her, "Why are you doing this—"
"Because you know that it's the right thing to do, you can't run away from this, Natalie," I whispered, "Believe me, I know, I've tried it so many times," I shook my head, my gaze flickering all over her face, "I can't lose you to that darkness."
Her lower lip trembled slightly and her shaky fingers let go of my collar, retrieving them back from my hold as she edged backward, building distance and trying to get a grip on herself, on the heaving of her chest and the feelings that were ready to overwhelm her.
Her face twisted into something resembling pain, a physical discomfort, and she took a faltering step backward. Lines etched her forehead, and her eyes pressed shut, "Oh god, no," She mumbled lowly in distress, her hand flying to her mouth before she whirled around and stormed away.
My eyes widened and I quickly followed after her, pausing by the bathroom's door as she fell to her knees, her palms grasped into the edge as she let it all out. Most probably the alcohol she had consumed, her lack of nutrition, and this stressed agitated state, all worked up against her and weakened her body.
I moved closer, crouching down by her side, my hand reached for the loosened strands of her hair, pulling them back, and my other hand settled on the back of her neck, fingers moving in soothing circles.
But she pulled back from my touch, her hand moved, trying to pry my own away, her voice barely a whisper as she mumbled, "Go away." Refusing to meet my gaze, she flushed the toilet, yet remained slumped on the floor, drained of strength, "Go," she murmured weakly, "I don't want you to see me like this."
Gently, I curled my hand over her arm, "Come here," I urged as I aided her to get up and settle on two flailing feet. I led her to the sink and opened the faucet, taking cold water into my palm, and gently running it over her pale face. She retrieved the mouthwash and used it as I pulled the towel and inched it closer to her face.
She looked down at herself, "I got it on my clothes...and on my hair too, no," She mumbled to herself in disappointment, huffing out. Her fist curled and she slammed it against the sink in a low frustrated groan, angry at herself beyond measure.
God, when did she become an angry little thing like this?
I discarded the towel away, "Hey, hey, it's okay," I said, carefully picking my words before she goes lashing out at me too. I led her to the bathtub's edge, "Come here, sit down for a bit," She lowered herself to the edge, finally listening to me, as her energy seemed to get drained away by the second.
I reached closer and turned the faucet, "A warm bath will help you relax, okay?" I suggested. Natalie's eyes followed the water as it cascaded into the tub, then she turned her gaze to me, offering a weak nod. I grabbed a bottle of bubble bath from the corner and poured it in, the delicate scent filling the room.
Natalie did nothing but watch the water pour down, her attention lost in its streaming force.
I closed the faucet when the water reached the brim. I looked at Natalie and my heart sped in ways I didn't like. She looked so vulnerable, so little, so fragile as she sat at the edge, her eyes agonized as she stared vacantly at a distance.
"Nate," I whispered softly, grabbing her attention to me. Her eyes settled on mine. My hands reached forward, curling gently over the hem of her t-shirt. I expected her to protest but when she didn't, I carefully lifted it up, pulled it off her, and discarded it away. My fingers reached for the hem of her shorts and I tried to keep my gaze on her face only as I let them slide down her legs.
Slowly and silently, she placed one foot inside the tub, then the other and she sank into its bubbly warmness.
Heat billowed, fogging the mirrors and saturating the room with its presence. It seemed to seep into every corner of my body, igniting a fire within me that I struggled to contain.
With my jaw tight, I leaned closer, picked up her shampoo, and uncapped it. Squirting some into my palm, I rested it away before I edged closer, taking off her hair tie, and allowing her hair to cascade through.
"Your clothes will get wet," She mumbled in a low voice, finally speaking with me normally, not screaming, not glaring, just...speaking.
I looked at her and brushed it off with a shake of my head, "I'll survive."
With each meticulous, soft movement, I washed her hair, cleansing each strand and massaging her scalp with firm gentle strokes. The rhythm of my fingers seemed to coax her further into relaxation, and she leaned against the side of the tub, her eyelids drooping.
Her lashes brushed delicately against her cheeks, her uneven breaths gradually evening out into a steady rhythm.
She started to calm down, but I didn't, I couldn't. Every muscle in my being tightened and pulsed with so many different feelings. It wasn't just sexual; the simple act of running my fingers through her hair sent my heart into a frenzied overdrive.
My hands moved to her neck, massaging it delicately before they fell to her shoulders, the feel of her skin, bare against my hold, killed me. Then, it brought me back to life.
The irony of the situation didn't get lost on me. I was neck-deep in blood, yet I was the one attempting to clean her. Her...she was pure. Despite everything she did to me, I knew she was pure. I knew it, felt it, tasted it on my lips.
Only a sinner like me would know what angels tasted like.
Natalie reluctantly pried her eyes open, her wet lashes framing the intensity of the dark waves in her gaze. She fixed them solely on me, silent still as I bathed and tended to her. I would've killed to know what she was thinking about at the moment, those eyes were giving me nothing.
Heat pressed so tight over my chest and I needed to put an end to this before I go overstepping every limit. Retreating back, I ran a hand over my neck, my gaze drifting around in search of her robe. I didn't find it in sight so I picked up the big towel I found resting over one of the shelves.
I moved back to Natalie's side, who understood that we were done so she slowly climbed back to her feet. I kept my gaze focused anywhere else, my jaw fucking tight as I wrapped the towel around her body, covering it from me. With a gentle touch of her arm, I helped her get out of the tub. I grasped another small towel, my arm snuck around her back as I led her out of the bathroom and into her room.
She paused to a stop when we were close to her bed. I used the towel in my hand to tenderly dry her hair and she kept looking at me. I sucked into a deep breath, my throat bobbing, dry, and burning still.
"I lied," She mumbled, making my eyes drift to hers, pausing my movements as I tried to understand what she meant.
My eyebrows pulled closer as she explained, "I said that...that when the time comes, I will face it and grieve it, but," Lines of anguish pressed into her forehead, "But I can't," She shook her head, wet strands flying around her vulnerable face, "I can't," She repeated, her voice heavy, "I've shut it down so hard that I can't...that I am incapable of feeling it anymore. I've been trying, I tried, but it didn't work."
A low hitched breath parted her lips and she brought her hand up, her warm fingers resting over my cheek, "But...seeing you," Her gaze was on her own hand over my cheek, "Seeing you...feeling you," She whispered lowly as her fingers slowly moved down and reached the corner of my mouth, her thumb paused when it brushed my lower lip, "It's almost...working."
Her gaze flickered up back to mine, "Help me feel it all," She whispered, almost like a plea or a whimper, "Make me feel something, please," She added, her eyes glistening but the tears never came and she sucked into a stuttering breath, "I can't cry, I tried, but I can't...can't find my tears," She mumbled, "Please Nikolas, make me feel something."
I let go of the small towel in my hand, allowing it to fall to the ground, fully understanding what she meant and what she wanted. My hand swept across her face, traveling to the side of her neck and pulling her closer to me, her chest crashing into mine as my lips fell into hers, consuming and taking.
Something snapped in my heart at the mere sensation, her sweet taste like the dose of heroin my depraved brain had been craving for the past month. My hand moved to her hair, bunching up the wet strands, cradling her scalp, tightening my grip as I pulled her even closer to me, my movements no longer gentle.
She kissed me back, her pace just as feverish and she allowed me to take and take, consuming every last breath from her lungs till she was shivering in my arms.
She moved her hand over my face, over my cheek before they fell to my neck, their tips reaching my scar and without breaking the contact of my lips, my hand went and tore it off me, bringing her hand down as I devoured her mouth.
I broke contact when I needed to breathe, my lungs ached with desperation. Natalie looked up at me, her lips red and swollen by my simple attack.
She blinked, "Do you hate me?" She asked.
My hand moved over her cheek, caressing her skin and I nodded my head, "Yeah," I said, my jaw twitching, "I hate you," I hate what she does to my weak heart, how she messes with my depraved brain, and how she weakens and strengthens me altogether. I hate her sadness, her pain, the quiver in her lips, the twitch in her hands, I hate...I hate anyone who managed to hurt her, I hate this world as it took from her too, I hate it. I hate how helplessly and hopelessly in love with her I am, "So much," I added.
She nodded her head, "Good," She mumbled lowly, her gaze going back to my lips, "Now, fuck me like you mean it."
******************
Natalie's POV
Needing no further affirmations, his hand curled over the towel that covered my body, letting go of the knot that bound it together, allowing it to fall into a pool to the floor by my feet, baring me fully to him.
He edged his body closer and curled his thumb and forefinger around my chin, the contact alone electrified me. He was making me feel things and I knew he would continue, he would keep going till he ruins me, till I feel that pain, all of it.
I heard the sound of his low exhale, "I'm so mad at you," He murmured to me, growling a little, barely controlling himself as she dragged those fingers over my face.
My breathing quickened; lost, so lost, as if he had just thrown me off a cliff, and maybe, maybe he did, maybe he will.
"Nikolas," I breathed helplessly.
"So...fucking...mad..." His eyes were heavy-lidded, especially as they focused on my lips, his jaw jutting out, "So mad I can't see straight," He kept looking at me as if all the fires of hell were churning inside of him, "I close my eyes and see you. Just you, it's maddening."
His touch was tender now, and delicate as he ran his fingers over my face, feeling every edge, touching every little detail, "Your eyes, your lips, your hair. Your face, your smile," He added, his voice strained and needy.
My eyes blurred, but with no tears, just my body's cry of pain, my inner struggle trying to pave its way out, "I hurt you," I mumbled.
His jaw clenched just a bit tighter.
"You hurt me," He affirmed, "I am so angry at you," His jaw was squarer than ever, his eyes, greener than ever, "But I can't let you go. I can't, even when I want to," He confessed in a tight whisper, "You are this sweet melody in my ear but also the mournful wail in my chest that I can't shake off," He said, "You are this sweetest nectar on my lips but also the sharpest knife that ever penetrated my skin."
"You are the price I have to pay," He added.
I brought my hand up, reaching for him, wanting to touch his face, to absorb some of his agony. His gaze flashed, eyes burning and he grasped my hand, prohibiting me. He will do exactly what I want him to do. He will ruin me today, won't he?
I kept staring at his hand, curled over mine and pining it down, away from him. I opened my mouth and the next words felt so foreign to my ears, "I want a chance," I said.
A chance to rewrite everything...
I closed my eyes, scared to look up, and see betrayal in his eyes.
Weakly, I lifted my head, my lungs seizing at his torturing expression. God, he looked...like a man returning home after being shackled away from it for centuries. He looked at me so possessively, like he wanted to imprint me into his core but also wanted to extract me out. His eyes were blazing, like he was drowning in the fires of hell and I am the one who placed him there.
He let go of my hand and I felt his fingers, soft and harsh altogether as he slowly ran them up my belly, causing me to shiver, lust whispering dirty thoughts between us.
His fingers reached the area right below my breasts, "I want to forget you, Natalie," He said, "Now, I will make you feel everything, and in return, make me forget you," he wanted one thing in return, just one thing, a thing I wasn't capable of giving.
"How can I do that?" I whispered.
He shook his head, "I don't know, teach me," He said, "You taught me so many things —you taught me how to love," My heart squeezed so hard, "Now teach me how to forget."
**********************************
The chapter was getting too long so I decided to divide it into two parts. Part two will be up tomorrow. And it goes without saying, it will have mature content xD
So, so, we finally had a Nik and Max reunion *emotional tears*
I hope you liked the chapter. Please do vote and comment.
See ya soon :)