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46. a sister's guilt
On Monday morning, it's time. After breakfast and a last check-up, Treech is finally released from the hospital. His excitement is palpable, the relief of being able to leave the Capitol evident in the way he carries himself.
June thinks he looks like he's about to burst at the seams from both happiness and anxiety.
If her mentorship has confirmed one thing, it has to be the fact that money gets her as good as everywhere. That might just be the one thing her father was right about - money makes the world go round.
There's a small pit in her stomach that begins to grow with every second that passes. Around the time they leave the hospital and are picked up by Cas and the family's driver (who was also, again, bribed into silence about this trip), she knows Sejanus is most likely leaving the Capitol. And while she wonders what his final decision might be, she has other things to be concerned about for the time being.
The ride from the hospital to the Beaumont family's house is quiet.
Although they bribed the man, they don't want to let anything slip regarding their plan. The only noise in the car is the classical music coming out of the radio and, from time to time, the sound of Treech and June talking.
Treech is in awe, unable to stop himself from marveling at the landscape of the Capitol. Even during the rides to the arena and the Academy, he was never able to see anything since they were in the back of the van. But now he finally gets a full view of what the Capitol really is. It's obvious to even him that they're still reconstructing parts of it, but what's really baffling to him is the sheer size of some of the buildings. They're taller and closer to the clouds than anything he has ever seen.
It makes a good distraction as well. June points out little landmarks,explains some things, and shows him some of the apartment buildings her friends live in. And in a sense, this is helping her as well. With her good memory, having a last view of what she's leaving behind in the Capitol in her mind is good. Although it's strange to know she will never see these buildings or walk through these streets again, she knows every little step away from here is one step closer to freedom.
By the time they get to their house, Treech's mouth is agape and his eyes are wide. The car stops, and he still looks out of the car window when June gently taps his wrist, reminding him to unbuckle the seatbelt. He has never been in a car before; this is all new to him. He knows trucks and the back of vans well enough by now, but not the comfort of a car's leather seat. And yet, he likes it.
When he manages to open the door, June and Cas are already out of the car. Cas is carrying June's bag, and the girl takes Treech's hand, squeezing it in reassurance as he keeps on looking up at the building in front of him.
It's massive, looking like something straight out of those fairytales his mother would always tell him and his siblings when they were younger. "This place is huge. And this is just for five people?" He questions in disbelief. "It's like a castle or something."
"Well, it's just us here. Most of our classmates live in apartments because their families lost a lot of money during the war - ours didn't," Cas explains with a little shrug. He takes his keys out of the pocket of his jacket, and with the other two following him from behind, he approaches the door. "We're really just lucky, I think."
"This is the main house," June adds. "We have another a bit out of the city where fewer houses are, but we usually only go there over summer break. I would've loved to show you our garden, but we're on a tight schedule."
Cas hums thoughtfully and says, "Yeah, we've got around thirty or forty minutes. Max is here, though; we should be quiet."
June frowns and is about to ask when she remembers that her little brother's summer break has started. She swallows, watching Cas unlock the door, and her grip around Treech's hand tightens a little bit. She hopes they'll be able to get this behind them soon; she doesn't want to let him catch them. But knowing Max, he should still be asleep and in bed.
Following the twins inside, Treech looks around in awe once more as he enters the front room. Cas closes the door behind them quietly, and when Treech sees June slipping off her shoes, he quickly follows suit but is still unable to stop staring. His fingers run over the expensive shelf in the room, finding not a single speck of dust on anything. June opens the door, and when he catches a glimpse of the corridor, Treech's head almost spins. It's as good as endless.
Thankfully, June's room isn't too far. Cas excuses himself, giving her her bag, and says he needs to do something in the kitchen, leaving the couple on their own for now. June thinks it's a bit silly that she feels so nervous at the thought of bringing him into her room. Sejanus has been here plenty of times, but she knows this is different. It's like sharing a bed with him all over again.
But since she's leaving her old life behind for him, literally, she doesn't mind giving him a small glimpse of it anyway. She twists the doorknob and steps inside, taking a deep breath and feeling more relaxed almost immediately. This is one of the only places in the world that calms her nerves.
The first thing he notices is that it smells just like her in here - her hugs specifically. When he closes the door behind him, he's trying hard not to stare, but he can't help it. It might be impolite, but seeing how neat and tidy her room is, he has to run his fingers over the soft satin of her blue bedsheets.
"Soft," he mumbles more to himself, his eyes wandering across the room. "It's like a cloud."
June laughs. "You'd be surprised, but out of the three of us, I'm not the one that has the softest mattress. It's Max," she says, fetching a plastic bag from the drawer of her desk.
Technically, it's a trash bag. However, all things considered, she really just needs something that will keep her belongings away from her clothes during her trip. She has a normal bag, but she doesn't want to risk any accidents.
The first thing her eyes flicker to is the picture on the desk, the very one her mother took of June, Cas, and Sejanus the evening after the reaping. Their smiles are tired, but there's still genuine happiness in their gazes, and June forces herself to swallow the lump in her throat. When her fingers brush over the framed photograph, she feels Treech behind her, looking over her shoulder.
"This was three weeks ago," she tells him, a strange feeling of nostalgia overcoming her. She clears her throat and forces herself to go on. "My mother took this the evening of the reaping ceremony."
Treech hums as he takes in the picture. There's Cas, visibly trying to look put-together, although his hair is already messier than it should have been; Sejanus, who forces himself to smile for his best friend's sake; and June, holding on to her best friend's arm while smiling softly. As always, he feels butterflies in his stomach just from the sight of her.
But to him, it's also surreal. Just three weeks ago, he didn't even know her and thought he was going to die soon. And now, three weeks later, he's so in love with this girl that he's taking her back home with him. While she was with her family, smiling and laughing, he was in the Hall of Justice with Lamina, waiting for the train that would take them to the Capitol.
Such different situations led them to one and the same place. In a sense, he finds something tragically beautiful in that.
"Makes you think, doesn't it?" He muses after a momentary silence. "I mean, it feels longer than that."
"It does," June agrees with a nod, forcing herself to stop staring at the photograph. She puts it in her plastic bag, along with one of the siblings that their mother took.
She swallows, trying not to let her emotions get the better of her. "I thought that by now... You know. The whole mentor thing was new for all of us. I think without it, I might have been in here right now, doing something without knowing you ever existed."
"And I'd be dead," he says with a frown, his arm slipping around her waist to pull her closer. He rests his chin on her shoulder and inhales deeply, the floral scent clinging to her calming him down immediately.
She doesn't reply, but he sees her reaching for another picture. It takes him a moment, but he recognizes one of the girls as Jessup's former mentor and another girl with long raven hair. Then, one of the former mentors of the pack. Even though he feels a tad irritated, he knows he's being illogical. She's leaving everything behind for him; he doesn't need to be jealous of the man in the photo.
"Would it be horrible of me to say that I'm glad we met?" She asks after a moment of hesitation. "I know that our circumstances were..." She trails off and shakes her head. "I hope you understand what I'm trying to say."
A small smile tugs on his lips. "It's not horrible, sunshine," he says, leaning closer to her face to kiss her cheek. "For you, I'd go through all of that again any day. You're worth it."
When she frowns and looks like she's about to say something, he chuckles. "Don't argue with me, sweetheart. I know I'm gonna need some time to pull myself together, but..." He sighs. "I don't know. Goin' home will make things better for me, you know?"
June blinks back the tears that were threatening to spill and nods, turning around in his embrace. Last night was horrible for the both of them, with Treech waking up from his nightmares every now and then. But he's doing his best to rest and get some sleep; June considers that a step forward.
He's eating, sleeping, and taking care of himself. Her worst fear was him slipping away into a state of apathy, but he's here. Although he often spirals and is almost attached to her by the hip, she doesn't mind. The Capitol did this to him. Perhaps a tiny part of her feels like she, as someone from the Capitol, should take responsibility and try to help him to the best of her ability.
"We'll be okay," she says, brushing the back of her hand over his cheek. Her eyes soften at the look in his eyes, an expression so vulnerable and tender that she can't help but feel choked up. But this isn't what they need right now.
They need to leave as soon as they can.
She clears her throat and hopes it will clear her mind as well. "I might need your help, by the way. Do you mind?" She asks, looking over at her closet. "I'd like to blend in as much as I can, but I don't really know what's appropriate for Seven? I don't want to stand out."
As it turns out, Treech is a good help. Despite the fact that he often stops to poke fun at the price of some of her dresses and clothes, he's good at picking out some things that will make blending in easier. She'll definitely get her own wardrobe in Seven, he'll make sure either he or his sister or mom help her, but he can work with what she has in her closet.
The people in Seven tend to stick to earthy colors, but he knows that darker red tones are also pretty popular among the women. With how clean everything is, he knows that anyone in Seven will be able to tell her apart from those born there, but it's a start. As much as it seems to hurt her to leave the colors blue and purple behind, she quickly makes peace with the clothes he suggests. She makes sure not to overpack, knowing she'll be wearing those clothes for more days in a row than what she's used to here.
She picks out her undergarments on her own, though. Treech takes the initiative to explore her room and the en-suite bathroom in the meantime, and when she hears him messing with the shower, she has a hard time not laughing out loud. She picks out some other things, such as her hairbrush, her chapstick (Treech reassures her that his sister knows how to make lip balm, which puts her at ease), and her perfume, much to Treech's delight. She adds a few small knick-knacks - things she thinks she might miss - but decides not to take anything that reminds her of her parents too much, her photo album aside. She'd like pictures at least.
And a few books. Her favorites, ones she knows she'd never be able to live without.
Last but not least, she kneels down to fish out the money she had hidden in her bedside table's drawer.
Treech lets out an impressed whistle, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He tests out the mattress briefly, feeling how soft it is, but his eyes almost bulge out at the sight of the money anyway.
"Shit," he says. "You sure we need all that? Are you trying to buy us a house so early?"
June lets out a laugh at his words. The thought of a future in a home of their own makes her feel funny, but she decides not to dwell on it for too long. "It might come in handy. Maybe we'll need to bribe some people, or," she says and gets up, "Who knows? Maybe we can use it for something else."
He can tell she doesn't have anything specific in mind, which makes him smile as well. "I hate to burst your bubble, sweetheart, but money won't get you everywhere in Seven. Some places would rather trade than take your money" he says with no malice in his words. "But for bribing, it's definitely good," he adds when he sees the perplexed look on her face.
"Trading..." June mumbles, her eyes sweeping over the contents of her bedside table's drawer. There are quite a few things in there she's sure are worth more than she could ever hope to guess. She picks up a pair of pearl earrings and asks, "What could these get me if I decided to trade them?"
Treech blinks and looks at them closely, the gold shining alluringly under the light. The soft glow of the pearls makes him certain they're real and authentic. "A lifelong supply of the best food Seven has to offer," he answers blankly.
She shoots him a look, and he laughs. "I'm just saying a lot. If you took those to the Pine, they might actually let you rule the place."
"'The Pine'?" June repeats, tilting her head to the side in confusion. "That sounds cute. What is that? Is that what you call your market?"
He watches her slip the earrings back into a little satin bag, only to put that into the plastic bag with her knick-knacks. "Close enough. It's the black market. The normal market will take your money, but at the Pine, they'd prefer to trade. It's how things are," he explains. He raises his eyebrows when he sees her bewildered expression. "What? With the Capitol deciding everything, getting your hands on what you need isn't always gonna be easy."
June hums, pondering his words for a moment. She knows the Capitol has a black market too, but truthfully, she has never had to go there since her family is so well-off. But from the sound of it, Treech is familiar with that in Seven. But it shouldn't surprise her, knowing that the Districts are starving. It doesn't scare her. If anything, her respect for him grows even more.
She smiles and says, "I'll get used to it."
Amusement flickers in Treech's eyes, and he stands up from the soft bed, encircling her waist with his arms to pull her closer. "Don't really have a choice, sweetheart," he says, leaning in to let his lips brush over her dimple. "You'll be just fine."
"I'm in good hands," she agrees softly, looking into his eyes.
She didn't think she would ever have him here. Not where she lives, especially not in her room. It makes everything feel so much more real to her. June knows it might be hard for her at first to adapt to a new life so different from what she's used to, but she doesn't mind. He calms her down.
His nose brushes over her cheekbone, and he suppresses a sigh when he feels the warmth radiating off her. He always thought his brothers were gross for how touchy and affectionate they are with their wives, but now that he knows what it's like to be in love, he knows that he's just like them. Sometimes he feels like touching her makes her feel more alive than anything else in the world.
If the circumstances were different, he might spend a little more time in her room. Perhaps he'd kiss her until she's dizzy, maybe cup her face in his hands, and tell her exactly how much she means to him, but he settles for a lingering kiss instead.
Later. They'll have plenty of time in Seven - all the time in the world.
June knows slipping the letter into Max's room is next, and despite the dread she feels at the thought of it, she knows she has to do this for herself as well. Once Treech and her disentangle from each other, she tells him to go find Cas in the kitchen. He understands, taking her bags with him.
June takes a last look into her room, the very place that has been her biggest source of comfort over the years, and inhales deeply. But she decides to stay strong, knowing that she still has to do this one last thing before they can leave for good. With shaky hands, she closes the door and steps down the corridor.
She hears Treech and Cas talking in the kitchen, even though it sounds more like murmuring from afar, and smiles to herself. Knowing that they get along only makes it so much more obvious to her that Treech is the right one for her. Not that Cas is unapproachable, far from it - she just thinks he'd act differently if he didn't like Treech. As much as her feelings outweigh anyone's opinions, having some familiar support lifts a heavy weight off her shoulders.
When she carefully twists the doorknob of Max's door, she has to swallow. The light from the corridor floods into the dark bedroom, and her eyes soften at the sight of him curled up beneath the sheets. The brief flicker of light allows her to see the drool on his pillow, and she stifles a laugh.
Is this really going to be the last time she ever sees him? She feels nauseous at the thought and blinks her tears away.
Closing the door behind her, she tiptoes to his bed and places the letter on his nightstand. As her eyes adjust to the dark, she takes in as much of his sleeping face as she can and bites her tongue so she doesn't sob. Bending down, she brushes his hair out of his face and presses a kiss on his cheek.
Max stirs slightly, letting out a tired hum. Still, his eyelids flutter open when a familiar smell hits his nose, and he realizes it's not his mother kissing him goodbye before she leaves for work.
There's only one person in this house who smells so sweet and like lavender.
"June?" He rasps, rubbing at his eyes in exhaustion. He can't see her face in the dark, but knowing she's here makes him feel better. She was absent for almost an entire week, and he missed her. "I'm not ready to get up yet..."
Out of all of them, Max always had the most trouble getting up. June herself isn't so bad and Cas manages so long as he hasn't drowned himself in posca the night before, but Max? Getting him out of bed is as good as impossible.
June has some trouble respecting her parents, but the one thing she admires is that they always get that boy out of bed. They don't make the maid do it or even hire a nanny, they've always spent time with them in the morning or the evening. Still, June can't help but feel like her parents did less raising them than places like the Academy did.
She's thankful for the dark, happy that he can't see that she's trying not to cry. "You can go back to sleep, Max," she says, her voice wavering a little bit. "I was just checking on you."
The boy hums, curling further into his blanket. "Okay," he mumbles. "Did Treech leave already?"
A part of him hopes not. He's sure Treech misses his family, but maybe he likes it here. Then again, Max has to remind himself that he didn't like it here. The prospect of him leaving makes him sad anyway as he really liked him, no matter if he was born in the Districts or not.
"He's about to," she replies quietly. She'd love to take him into the kitchen with her, but she knows that Max is clever. "His train will be leaving soon," she tells him.
And hers too.
If he realizes what's happening, she knows he might beg and plead to go with her. He might cause a scene, and as selfish as it is, leaving him in the dark about it until he wakes up again is probably the best for all of them. She consoles herself with the knowledge that Cas is still here, and as guilty as she feels about it, she trusts him to explain things to Max to the best of his ability.
"Are you sad that he's leaving?" Max asks. "I am. I like him."
She laughs, "I know. I like him too."
But she knows that's an understatement. She's not surprised she finds it so easy to stick to her words; he's still Treech. He's not the same - he's wounded, vulnerable - but she cares for him just the same. She doesn't have the words to say how happy she is that they found each other, she just wishes their circumstances had been different.
Max, despite being tired, catches himself remembering the way his sister looked at Treech. He has been thinking about it a lot more than he'd like to admit. That's a look of something more than platonic care. He knows how June looks at Sejanus, and it's not the same thing.
He blinks tiredly. "Are we going to see him again one day?" He asks. "I kind of want to..." He yawns. And he's sure she does as well. After he saw how she looks at him, he's sure his departure is causing her more pain than she lets on.
He wishes Treech could stay. He'd even clear out his own room for him so his sister can be happy.
"If you want to, you will. He'll be waiting to see how much better you've gotten at juggling," she reminds him softly, leaning down to kiss his cheek again. He smells of sleep and freshly washed linen, a scent that evokes a sense of nostalgia within her. "Just stay strong and be good until then, alright? I'm sure he'd like to see you again one day. He liked you as well."
Max nods, exhaustion washing over him. His eyes close, unknowingly robbing him of the last glimpses of his big sister. If he knew, he'd likely do anything to keep them wide open. Her face fades in front of his eyes as darkness threatens to overtake him, sleep pulling him in more and more.
"Okay..." He stirs, his voice sleepy as he continues speaking.
Something else, something unimportant itches in the back of the little boy's mind. Unaware that this is goodbye, his thoughts drift off to a request he made a while ago, and when he speaks up next, his voice is quiet and tired. "Is Mona back yet? I wanted chocolate..."
At the nickname for their maid, Desdemona, June only shakes her head with a smile and says, "No, I didn't see her. You should go back to sleep; Cas said she left around ten minutes ago."
She feels the guilt eating away at her from the inside out. In any other case, she'd likely urge him to get up soon so he doesn't spend the entire day in bed. But not right now. She needs him in his bed, so he doesn't grasp the true meaning of his sister coming into his room at this hour.
He lets her fix the blanket and hums, slowly beginning to drift off to sleep again. She wonders how differently things would be if he were just a bit older, but has to stop those thoughts out of fear of waking him up with her sobs.
June heaves a heavy sigh. When she's sure he's far gone, she runs her fingers through his hair and kisses his forehead. Her fingers trace the shape of his cheek, the soft and untouched skin almost feeling like silk beneath her fingertips. "I love you, Max," she whispers. "And I'm... I'm sorry."
The last thing she would ever want is for him to turn out like their parents. He's a good boy despite how spoiled he is, and he hopes his views will turn out to be close to hers one day.
And so, although every fiber of her being is yelling and screaming at her not to, she leaves his room with a heavy heart and tears in her eyes. She closes the door behind her, regret taking over her entire being. June has to lean against the frame for a moment to support herself, but decides she needs to keep pushing on.
This is no time to get sentimental. This is for the better. This is the only choice she has.
And in the long run, for her, it will be the safest option. She just wishes it wouldn't hurt so much. She hopes he'll understand one day. If anything, her letter will clear things up for him.
But is that the truth, or is that simply what she's telling herself to justify the cruel reality of her actions?
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and i'm sorry i left
but it was for the best
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me for 5 chapters: WE'RE LEAVING SOON I PROMISE. except now we are frfr! only the goodbye to cas left and then they're on their way, i swear!!!
i hated saying goodbye to max. my little demon :(
it was so hard writing the goodbye because he clearly has a vague idea of what's happening, but he's also too young to fully grasp it?? i feel bad for him. but at least he still has cas!! for now
also like... i'm about to write one of the later chapters today and i just wanna know where to put the cut for when things get a bit non pg-13 ish. like i know this story has a warning for mature content but that's because it's a tbosas fic and people are dying
okay to cut it short: i'm not gonna write filth (or if i do i'll likely not publish it?? unless you guys want that) BUT if things get a bit more spicy i wanna know where to draw the line so no one is uncomfy. so how much are you guys comfy with?
probably overthinking this ^ but what else is now. i can barely write implications without giggling
this was cas' post-reaping fit btw in the photo i described. but in blue
(i just wanted an excuse to put this here. he's so fine)
have a nice sunday, see you on tuesday!!<3
memes!