July 2019
**YOUR POV**
I stared up into the sky, sitting out there at night with tears falling down my cheeks when I heard Harry coming outside and felt him sitting down beside me. Without even looking at him, I leaned against him and he pulled me closer to him instantly, so I was leaning against his chest.
„I thought this was all over." I sniffled.
„It is over, baby. This is not happening again." He whispered before pressing a kiss to the top of my head. „It's all gonna be okay."
„How can you say that? I might have cancer again, Harry." More tears ran down my face. „Knowing my body, it's gonna be cancer, because what else could it be?"
„I'm saying that, because I know it's not cancer. It won't be back, you don't have to go through this again. I won't let that happen to you again, sweetie." He said. „You're my everything and I won't let anything happen to you."
„Maybe...maybe I wanted too much too soon and this is payback for me being happy for more than a year..."
„No, that's not true." He rubbed my back. „You deserve to be happy, not just for a year, but for a lifetime." He said. „Listen, we don't know anything yet, so let's not come to any conclusions right now."
I nodded. He was right, but I still had this feeling. This horrible feeling that it was gonna be cancer.
„Haz?"
„Yes, love?"
„If it's cancer...I don't wanna get any sort of treatment anymore. I can't do this a fourth time. I'm tired of this and I simply don't have the strength to go through chemo anymore..." I told him eventually. Something I had thought about the whole day. „If it's cancer again, it must mean that this is my fate, that this is my destiny. I'll live the rest of my live with you and I'll be happy, because I'm with you and I love you...until eventually the time comes."
„Stop it, Y/n...You're talking as if this was the case." His voice was trembling and I could tell tears filled his eyes by the way his voice sounded. „We don't know anything yet! It could be nothing, so don't think like this...please." He sniffled. „I cannot lose you, Y/n. I cannot fucking lose you! Please don't forget that I'm here too. I'm your husband, I love you and I don't wanna fucking lose you!" He started crying, almost panicking which made me regret all the things I said immediately.
„Hey Harry, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I cupped both his cheeks as he cried harder.
„I can't lose you. If you die, I die." He cried.
„I know, I know, I'm sorry, Harry. I shouldn't have said this. You won't lose me, I promise. I promise, H." I wrapped my arms around him tightly what made him hug me back immediately too. „I love you, I'm sorry." I whispered, running a hand through his soft, brown curls, trying to pull him even closer.
He stopped crying heavily, but was still kind of panicking which I understood. This all happened so suddenly today and this uncertainty was killing us both.
„Harry, baby, you need to breathe." I rubbed his back, not wanting him to get an asthma attack. „Harry, breathe please." I told him again and pulled away from him to look at him properly. He tried, but it didn't work too well. „In and out, baby. In and out." I reminded him, breathing with him until eventually his breathing calmed back down and so did he.
„I'm sorry, H. I didn't wanna make you feel like this. I didn't think...I really don't know what the hell to think." I admitted. „My thoughts are all over the place."
„It's okay..." He wiped the remaining tears on his cheeks away. „I don't know what to think either, honestly, but I know it'll be okay...We always find a way and whatever happens tomorrow, we'll find a way again. I'll make sure of that." He said silently.
I nodded. „Okay...sounds like a plan." I sighed. „I'm just...I'm so fucking scared."
„I know you are. You have every right to be, but let's try to think positive...for the sake of our mental state. I'm here, I always am, but you have to let me be here for you." He said and I nodded again.
„I pushed you away I know...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." I apologized. „And I didn't wanna scare you with what I said."
„It's alright, Y/n. It's not easy especially with what you went through throughout the years." He pulled me closer again by my waist.
„I love you so much, Harry. Thank you for being here." I looked up at him. „Without you, I wouldn't have noticed anything on my neck this morning."
„Love you more, Y/n. I'm always here and I always will be, you know that." He kissed my forehead softly. „You know right now we can't do anything than simply wait, but we should get some sleep or our thoughts will drive us crazy." Harry said, letting go of me before he stood up and helped me up as well as he stretched out his hand for me and I gladly took it, following him upstairs and back into bed.
We laid close to each other, as close as we could, our foreheads touching and his hand placed on my waist, holding me close to him.
„It's all gonna be okay." He whispered with a small smile. „I told you when the year started that this year it's gonna be different, that you were gonna be happy and I still mean it." He said. „So it's gonna be okay, we gotta have some faith." He moved his hand up to my face and gently ran his fingers through my hair.
I nodded with a little smile. „I hope you're right...but I just need to know...what if it really is cancer? What are we gonna do then?"
„What do you wanna do?" He asked, gently, emphasizing the ‚you'.
„I uh...I don't know...I'm just tired of the constant fighting and battling with it." I told him.
„I understand, love." He nodded against his pillow. „If it really is cancer, we'll see how bad it is and then we'll see further, but again, we don't know anything yet. It could be absolutely nothing and you're completely fine which is gonna be the case, baby." Harry softly smiled at me what brought me at ease a little bit, because he made everything better just by being there, just by holding me or letting me feel his endless love. I was so stubborn and wouldn't let him near me as soon as life would get hard, I'd push him away, but in the end he was the one that would help me in situations like this. He'd guide us through. Always. I could always count on him what was already so assuring. I loved him to infinity and even more. I loved him endlessly.