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IT WAS merely a press of our lips together. A brief moment when I finally found out how soft her lips truly were. I hardly had time to process it before reality sank in and I jerked away, effectively putting distance between us and ridding myself of her gentle, gentle touch.
Zora's hands fell to her side and she stared at me, eyes wider than usual and lips parted. I scrambled for something to say and my words came out in a barely comprehensible ramble.
"I'm sorry I didn't...I wasn't...you, yeah. I just wasn't thinking and I shouldn't have done that and fuck, I ruined everything, didn't I? It wasn't...I'm sorry. Are you...shit. Shit. Let's forget it happened. It was barely even a kiss, let's just pretend it didn't happen. Unless you," I shook my head, slightly panicking. "Nevermind. It didn't happen. I should, I need to go home, I think. Yeah. Just say something, please."
I was a mess. A hot fucking mess. Who had leaned in anyway? It had to have been me, right? But she'd held my face and leaned her forehead against mine. It couldn't have been one-sided, it was impossible. Maybe it was a lapse of judgment, a moment of confusion. Maybe she just wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl. That was possible.
When her silence started to become overbearing, I turned to leave. Before I could, her hand touched my shoulder and I stilled.
"Wait," she rushed out. "Don't go. I'm just...I don't know what to say."
Tensely, I said, "There's no reason for me to stay then."
She shook her head, almost desperately. "Yes, there is. Just give me a moment to think, please."
"I don't know if I want to hear what you'll say. I don't know if I can handle it," I admitted, more honest than I'd been in a while.
Her lips parted and for a moment my mind short-circuited as I remembered I'd felt those lips, even if only briefly. Her eyebrows drew closer, her mouth closed again.
"Why? Why wouldn't you be able to handle it?"
"Zora," I pleaded. "Don't make me explain."
Letting her hand drop from my shoulder, she clasped my hand instead. "Please explain."
I'm in love with you. How can you not see it even now?
How do I explain that I couldn't handle her breaking my heart? If I didn't leave, I would do even more things I would regret. I'd already broken my promise to myself that I wouldn't fool myself into thinking she could ever share those feelings.
"I can't," I said in nearly a whisper, a hushed tone reserved for shameful secrets I didn't dare admit.
"What do you think I'll say?"
"I don't know."
The crease that had formed between her eyebrows deepened. "Then how do you know you won't be able to handle it?"
"Because I know what you won't say," I said, removing my hand from her tender hold on it.
"You're making assumptions now," she told me, sounding a little defensive.
"Zora, you dated my fucking twin. What do you want me to make of this?"
She flinched, at the reminder or my harsh tone, I didn't know. Was it wrong to toss that back at her? Was I justified in holding a grudge? I was unsure. In this situation, it felt relevant, however.
"It was a mistake." I paled, my heart sinking to my fucking stomach. A mistake? My panicked reaction must have been too obvious because Zora's eyes widened and she quickly retracted her words. "Fuck. I didn't...I meant Avi and I. We were a mistake. It should never have happened."
Relief swept through me, although I was still on edge. "But it did, didn't it?"
Her tongue poked at her cheek. "Yeah. I know I can't take it back. But can you at least trust me when I say that I definitely wasn't thinking of Avi just now?"
Trusting Zora had been like second nature to me since I first met her. It wasn't until recently that the trust had been dented. The question was then, did I trust her now? I focused intently on her eyes and immediately I knew, yes, I did.
She was still my Zora. She was still the girl who had shown me what friendship was. Who had shown me she was there for me when I wasn't able to get out of bed. Who had shown me what love really was.
"I trust you. But why did you..." I trailed off, unable to voice it aloud. "Never mind, I'm going to leave, I'll see you tomorrow."
While she looked conflicted, Zora didn't make a move to stop me again. After packing my stuff into my bag, I left. The moment I was outside I placed a hand on my chest and felt the still irregular beat of my heart, my lips tingling with a phantom touch.
When I got home, I saw my brother in the living room. A wave of nausea settled in my stomach. He'd kissed her before. More than once. They'd been together, even if not officially. I essentially just kissed my brother's ex. Jealousy and shame mingled in my stomach, making for an unpleasant combination.
I rushed up the stairs, calling Mai before I could second-guess myself.
"What's up? Missed me already?"
"Always."
"Aww," she cooed, "you're such a little sweetheart. Now, what troubles you?"
I flopped down on my bed. "That obvious?"
"Yeah, you got the 'I'm totally stressing over something' tone. I've learned to read you, you'll never be able to fool me anymore."
A warm feeling spread through me. Having someone be able to read your cues and tell when something was off was pleasant, for lack of a better word. I'd only had that with Zora. It was nice to have it with someone I felt strictly platonically for as well.
"You're right. I did something."
"If you're about to tell me you murdered someone, it's actually the perfect time because I just colored my hair red and I'm wearing dark clothes."
I rolled my eyes with a smile. "No, Mai. Though you seem oddly prepared to help me get rid of a body. Something to tell me?"
"All I'll say is I'm loyal. If you need me, I'll be there."
"Noted."
On the other end, the sound of a door closing echoed, followed by Mai jumping into her bed, I presumed.
"Seriously though, what happened?"
"Well, I..."
Fuck. I hadn't thought this through properly. Maybe I shouldn't tell Mai. Whatever that moment was, I was pretty sure Zora wouldn't want me to just tell people.
"You what?" Mai urged me to go on after I'd gone quiet.
"Let's just say I may have fucked some things up and now I don't know what to do."
"Oh," Mai dragged out the 'O' as if she'd come to some crucial realization. "You kissed Zora, didn't you?"
"What? How? What? No."
"Yes, you did, didn't you?"
If she had figured it out herself, was it okay to tell her? No, I shouldn't.
"No, it wasn't...." I was a bad liar. "What made you think that?"
"Supernatural senses. I just know stuff, you know? You wouldn't get it."
I laughed. "Okay, Mai."
Her voice turned earnest again. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. We can change the topic if you'd prefer that. But I won't tell anyone if you do want to tell me."
"Promise?"
"Pinky promise."
After a deep breath and second-guessing myself one last time, I told her everything that had happened today, including my conflicting thoughts and feelings. Mai listened intently, even as I rambled on for an unreasonable long time about every single detail. Occasionally, she would chip in, but mostly she was quiet, taking in all the information I was dumping on her.
"Just fuck already," was Mai's insightful input at the end of my rant.
I breathed out a laugh. "Thanks, Mai."
"You're welcome. Maybe you would have if you didn't pull away when the kiss had hardly started."
"I was freaking out!" I defended myself. "Zora's had it tough lately and I just wonder if she'd been in a better mindset, maybe she wouldn't have wanted to kiss me. Also, she said she's confused. Didn't clarify what she was confused about, though."
"Look, you're scared, I get it. But I doubt Zora would risk your friendship if she didn't have some sort of genuine feelings. What if she's confused about her sexuality?"
"Then what if she just wants to experiment?"
"Once again, I doubt it. If she'd want to experiment, I think she'd be more likely to find a girl at some party."
"But what if-"
Mai interrupted me. "Naya, stop. You can't read her mind. It's as easy as that. What you need to do is have a conversation with her. Maybe not today, but in the near future. And also fuck."
A shocked laugh escaped me. Mai always managed to lighten up a situation. Even if it wasn't in completely appropriate ways, it did make me smile.
"I'm going to ignore what you said last and focus on the first part."
"That was the best part but all right."
Ignoring her, but smiling in spite of myself, I went on, "I know you're right, but I'm terrified of hearing what she'll have to say. I don't know what I'll do if she breaks my heart. How will I be able to move past that? Can I even?"
"Naya," she said sternly. "You underestimate yourself too much. You will be fine regardless of what happens, I promise you. I got your back, Caio's got your back, and I'm pretty sure Mara does too. What I'm saying is, you got a support system. You're not alone. I need you to really hear me when I say that. You are not alone, got it?"
For a large part of my life, I'd felt isolated from the world, from my family. I was the loner kid nobody wanted to interact with, who nobody wanted, not even my parents. Love had mostly been presented to me in conditional forms, and even then, only scarcely.
I had developed the belief that I was difficult to love. While Zora had proved otherwise, it wasn't easy to dislodge something that was so deeply embedded in me. But with each day that passed and with every friendship I built, a new belief began to bloom and take root inside me. One that opposed the self-sabotaging one. One that said 'You are able to be wholly loved for just being you.'
Maybe there was always part of me that would be affected by my parent's neglect and outright cruelty, but I wanted to think that I could let myself not be entirely consumed by it anymore.
The familiar feeling of tears building up in my eyes made me realize how much Mai's words had truly meant to me. I had people. People, plural! I wasn't alone. I wasn't alone.
I sniffled, alerting Mai to the fact that I was getting all teary-eyed on her. "Got it."
"You're fantastic, I really mean that. You're determined, you're really fucking strong, and you love with all your heart. Anybody who gets the chance to be loved by you and see all that is really fucking lucky, let me tell you that. If Zora doesn't feel the same, at least maybe the conversation can get you some well-needed closure, you deserve that. If that person isn't her, you'll find someone who's head over heels for you, I know that. Don't settle for anything less. I will hunt you down if you do."
Tears were flooding down my face and I let out a sob that Mai could definitely hear. How stupid was it to cry over the fact that I had friends? Not even just cry, full-on sob. But I was feeling so grateful and overwhelmed that I had people (once again, plural, that was still crazy to me) who thought so highly of me.
"You don't understand how much that means to me," I said after I was confident I could speak without choking on my words.
"Fuck anybody's who made you doubt that. Fuck them."
"I don't know if fucking them is the right solution," I joked, trying to lighten up the mood because all this sentimentality was going to make it hard for me to stop crying.
Mai snorted. "You're starting to sound like me. I've taught you well, child."
"I'm older."
"Not the point, I'm spiritually the old wise woman."
"Okay, Mai."
"That's an agreement if I've ever heard one."
I chuckled. "You're the best, Mai, really. Thank you."
"I know I am."
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Doomsday had arrived. And by doomsday, I meant the day of the presentation. We were as ready as we could be, but that didn't prevent my anxiety from running wild. Not to be dramatic, but I felt like throwing up. My lack of sleep didn't help. I'd been up tossing and turning, ruminating about the presentation and my current predicament with Zora. Since we were holding the presentation together, the two topics of my anxiety were inconveniently entwined.
All night and morning I'd been reciting my part of the presentation in my head. I knew it like the back of my hand, but the fear that I would blank when I stood up there terrified me. It had happened before and it was humiliating. At least it was graded individually, so if I messed up, Zora's grade wouldn't be dragged down just because of my mistakes. That was somewhat reassuring seeing as I only had to worry about my failures and not how they would impact her.
English was our first lesson, meaning it would be over after that. I was counting down the fucking minutes.
"Are you okay?" Avi asked when he caught me downing a glass of water in the kitchen, my hands undeniably trembling.
"I'm fine," I snapped, too anxious and irritated to care that I'd been unfairly mean.
"You look exhausted and stressed."
I shrugged. "What's new?"
"You can talk to me."
"Well I don't fucking want to, I just-" I suddenly felt the need to gasp for air. I tilted forward, my hands grasping the space just above my knees as I tried to breathe and stop shaking. "Fuck."
Feeling dizzy, I crouched down, rocking back and forth on my heels. I rubbed my chest with one hand, trying to ease the tightness that had built up there.
A hand grasped my shoulder and I jerked away from it. "Please, don't. Just leave me alone."
In. Out. In. Out. You're not dying. You're safe. You'll be fine. In. Out.
I thought he was gone until I felt something cold on my hands. Shocked, I tore my eyes from the kitchen tiles and saw Avi in front of me, holding ice.
"Squeeze the ice cubes in your hands, I've heard it helps."
Without hesitating, I held out my hands and let him place the ice in them. The cold sensation was startling, but grounding. I tried to slow my breathing and focus on the cold spreading across my hands. Faster than it perhaps otherwise would have, the panic attack ebbed away. When I felt steadier, I stood up and drank some more water, my mouth feeling dry.
"Thank you, Avi," I said when I trusted myself to speak again.
"Do you want to talk about what's going on?"
I shrugged, treating it like it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't. My brain was just being a drama queen like usual.
"It's just a presentation, it's fine."
"I'm sure you'll do great."
I wasn't feeling so confident about it, but I nodded, wanting to drop the topic. It was time to go to school soon anyway. I rubbed my eyes and suppressed a yawn, feeling incredibly drained, not only from the lack of sleep but also from the panic attack. Despite the plentiful I'd had in my life, panic attacks were just as shitty and exhausting every time.
"Are you ready to leave?" Avi asked after a few minutes.
No, but I'd rather die than be late, so I hummed in agreement, following him to the car after seizing my bag.
Zora was there, waiting outside the classroom when I arrived. She frowned the moment she saw me.
"Did you get any sleep?"
"No, I'm all right, though." What a lie and she knows it like always.
She took my hands in hers and squeezed. "We'll do great, Naya. We got this, okay?"
I really wanted to believe her.
Unable to speak with the ball of dread lodged in my throat, I only nodded, feeling a lot like pulling up my hood and hiding. Zora looked like she was debating something before she pulled me into a hug.
As nice as it felt, standing there and hugging near the classroom made me feel awkward, which in turn led to me having trouble enjoying the comfort that was her arms around me.
"Pretend you're just presenting to me. You know the stuff, I know you do."
The teacher was here. She opened the door to the classroom, ushering the students inside.
"I can't do this," I whispered, on the verge of tears.
"Yes, you can. Have faith in yourself. I'll be right there beside you."
I tried to trust her confidence in me as we stepped inside and sat down. The teacher immediately started the presentations, hardly giving us a second to breathe. Although going first sounded like a nightmare, I wanted to get it over with it. The anticipatory anxiety was typically the worst.
We ended up going third. When the teacher called on us, I wanted to throw up. Zora nudged my shoulder before we stood up, smiling at me reassuredly. Together, we walked up to the front, my hands clutching my notes, trembling and clammy.
Zora covered the introduction and I kept my gaze firmly planted anywhere but the audience. Teachers always stressed that eye contact was important, but if I looked at the crowd I wouldn't be able to speak properly.
I nearly missed my cue and my voice quivered as I spoke the first words. The first half I seemed to remember well and once I got started, it got a little easier.
At least until my worst fear happened; I blanked and started stumbling over my words. I was starting to sweat and seriously panic. My mouth kept opening and shutting as I racked my brain for the next words. Consequently, I was having difficulty breathing.
Desperately, my eyes landed on Zora. Coming to my rescue, she started to mouth the words to me and raised her eyebrows, encouraging me to go on. I took a deep breath and continued.
When it was Zora's part again, I could somewhat relax. I'd done my job. However, the anxiety of messing up had far from left me. After it was over, I wanted to cry in relief.
"We did well," Zora leaned in to whisper to me.
"I fucked up," I reminded her.
"You lost your train of thought for less than half a minute, it's okay, really. Don't beat yourself up over it."
Easier said than done.
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Presentations suck
Anyway, what do we think of the barely kiss and the pep talk Mai gave?
╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╝
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨!
©𝚆𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚖. 𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚍