On the weekend I rode my bike and went to the river alone. I needed time alone and I didn't know why. I took a book with me and read with the sound of the waves going back and forth. It felt so peacefull to me, as if I had been needing that for a long time.
And on Sunday I went on a really long walk with Tom. We made this little celebration and he gave me a small letter which I put in my purse and thought of reading later.
- To the prettiest of all - he said, smiling at me with his light brown eyes. He could be really sweet sometimes. I, every now and then, felt like I didn't deserve such a kind boyfriend.
That day when I got home I opened the small little paper feeling very curious and read his words.
Well, I don't know why but I decided to write a little thing for you. I know that we're not going to be parents right now but someday I really want to have a family with you, you know? You'd be a great mom, I know you would. And I'd try to give them the best version of myself. I'd love to take them to the beach with you, see them grow every single day a little more, listen to them while they're playing, see you holding them in your arms.
You are so beautiful, inside and out, even though you don't believe it Hann and I can see it happening to us one day.
I'm never leaving your side, even on the darkest days I will be next to you and even if we had children at twenty one, I would've never thought of leaving your side because I really love you, no matter what.
Tom.
I felt tears in my eyes when I finished reading the letter and all I knew was that Tom meant the world to me too. After reading it I put it in a box where I kept all of the little gifts he made me and every now and then, when I was feeling sad or mad at him, I'd open that little box and feel better after seeing all the things he made for me with love like little drawings, a song we wrote together, pictures of us having nice moments at the beach, in a restruant, at my house or at his, singing together. I had a buch of photos in that little box of us and sometimes we'd look at them together.
But that odd feeling just didn't leave me and I didn't know what it was. I couldn't get it out of me even though I distracted myself with studying and doing the things that I liked to do.
There was something inside of me that needed to get out. I could feel it knocking on the door of my heart, pleading to see light.
On Monday I had this dream which I hated. I tried to repress it, forget it, erase it. But there it was, floating in my mind and consuming my thoughts.
It began like this: I was walking on the sidewalk and I remember having this feeling of weight in my body. There were people walking constantly in opposite directions, everyone seemed to be occupied and they all had these serious expressions which I found a little depressing. Nobody spoke, they just walked. Suddenly more and more people started to fill the street and I didn't even know where I was going, or if I was walking at all. I couldn't see myself between so many walking bodies and I couldn't feel my legs, arms, face. I felt numb at a certain point.
I dropped onto the sidewalk and when I hit the floor everything that had light turned to darkness and all the bodies turned into these dark shadows that traspassed eachother as if no material boundaries existed anymore.
I felt myself turning into something else and I begged for help but nothing happened. This darkness started to invade my fingers and then my hands, I felt like I was going to turn into another walking shadow.
My chest started to hurt as if my heart was getting poisoned and I said one word that had me panicking when I woke up.
I shouted "Evelyn". And as soon as I said her name my eyes were wide open and I knew it was a dream.
What the hell? I tried to keep on sleeping but I couldn't stop thinking.