The Eyes Of An Artist

Chapter 20

I was writing on a paper during class and the day felt just like the last one until Madeline touched me with her fingers. The feeling of her skin on mine made me connect to something other than my mind.
- Hey, need something? - I asked.
She looked at me with something that looked like rejection and then she gave me this look with love that made me feel alive.
- After this we're going for a walk - she said. And I felt tense, I knew that she wanted to talk to me and it scared me.
- Oh, why? - I asked.
- Cause... Yeah - she said. And we got back to class. "Yeah" didn't feel like a good reason to me but I thought that maybe it helped.

- Hannah... I'm worried about you - she said.
- I'm fine Madd, just tired - I replied without looking at her.
We were at a park that's close to the university. She put her hands on my shoulders and I felt that thing that connected me to life again, that touch full of love.
- What's wrong? - she asked.
- Nothing - I said and I felt my voice trembling while I said the word.
- Stop playing - she said serious.
- Nothing - I insisted.
I felt her arms around me suddenly and the weight of my body turned into dust. Suddenly tears started falling from my eyes and she looked at me.
- What's going on? - she asked looking at my eyes.
- I'm... I'm... I'm...so fucking wrong! - I said.
- What? - she asked.
- I feel shit that I don't want to feel - I said.
- Like what? - she asked.
- I'm atracted to...
- To another guy? - she asked.
- To a... She... Yeah. A girl - I said finally.
- A girl? - she asked and I felt the world falling on me.
- Yes and I hate myself for it - I said. 
- ...Hann you should have told me before, it's no big deal - she said.
- Are you kidding? - I asked.
-No girl, half of the women are probably into women, most of my friends like men and women - she said.
I felt some sort of relief when she said this.
- Oh... - that's all I could say. She laughed a little and then said,
- It's fine Hann, I love you always no matter who you're into. And you'll slowly learn how to love yourself too -. Her words felt so sweet, like a glimpse of light in my heart.

After having the talk I went back home and felt like this weight was lifted from my shoulders. I didn't feel so weird and different after all.
I felt like finally I was getting to some other place other than my mind and messy room.

I started writing about my thoughts and feelings in this small notebook that I had and it helped me a lot.
Months went by and when the weather started getting warmer everything felt so beautiful. The days were full of purpose and light, I had this feeling in my chest of warmth that I had lounged for such a long time. My relationship with Tom was a lot better than before and everything felt in place.

One afternoon I was going back to my house after a long day at the university when suddenly I saw someone from far away on the other side of the street. My heart started beating faster than ever because I felt that it was her...