ONE MONTH AGO
Everyone was surprised when it happened, and even when it became inevitable, a fact, they never really believed it. It seemed impossible. Not their Susannah, not Beck. You always hear about people getting better, beating the odds. Sarah was sure Susannah would be one of them. Even if it was only a one in a million chance. She was one in a million.
Things deteriorated rapidly. So bad that Jackie was shuttling between Susannah's house in Boston and her own house, every other weekend at first and then more frequently. She had to take a leave of absence from work and had a room at Susannah's house.
The call came early in the morning, while It was still dark outside. It was bad news, of course; bad news is the only kind that can't wait. As soon as Sarah heard the phone ring, even in her sleep, she knew. Susannah was gone.
Sarah laid there in her bed, waiting for her mother to come and tell her. She could hear her moving around in her room, heard the shower running.
When Jackie didn't come, Sarah went to her room. The older woman was packing, her hair still wet. She looked over at her daughter, her eyes tired and empty.
"Beck's gone." She spoke. And that was it.
Sarah felt her insides sink, her knees to. She sat on the ground, against the wall, letting it support her. She thought she knew what heartbreak felt like. She thought heartbreak was her, standing alone at the prom. That was nothing. This, this was heartbreak. The pain in her chest, the ache behind her eyes. The knowing that things would never be the same again. It's all relative. You think you know love; you think you know real pain, but you don't.
You don't know anything.
Sarah wasn't sure when she started crying. Once she started, she couldn't stop. She couldn't breathe.
Jackie crossed the room and knelt on the floor with Sarah, hugging, rocking her daughter back and forth. But she didn't cry. She wasn't even there. She was an upright reed, an empty harbor.
Jackie drove up to Boston that same day. The only reason she had been at home that day was to check on Sarah and get a change of clothes. She thought there would be more time. She should have been there when Susannah died, if only for the boys.
In her best professional voice, she told Liam and Sarah that they would drive themselves up in two days, the day of the funeral. She didn't want them in the way of funeral preparations; there was a lot of work to be done. Ends in needs of trying.
Jackie had been named executor of the will, and of course Susannah had known exactly what she was doing when she picked the Campbell woman. It was true that there was no one better for the job, and they had been going over things even before Susannah died. But even more than that, Jackie was at her best when she was busy, doing things. She did not fall apart, not when she needed. No, she rose to the occasion.
Sarah wished that was a gene she'd inherited because she was at a loss. She didn't know what to do with herself.
She thought about calling Conrad. She even dialed his number a few times. But she couldn't do it. She didn't know what to say. She was afraid of saying the wrong things, of making things worse. And then she thought about calling Jeremiah. But it was the fear that held her back. She knew that the moment she called, the moment she said it out loud, it would be true.
Susannah would really be gone.
On the drive up, they were mostly quiet. Liam's only suit was wrapped in plastic and hung in the backseat. Sarah hadn't bothered to hang up her dress.
"What will we say to them?" She asked at last.
"I don't know." Liam admitted. "The only funeral I've ever been to is Aunt Shirle's, and she was really old."
Sarah was too young to remember that funeral.
"Where will we stay tonight? Susannah's house?"
"No idea?"
"How do you suppose Mr Fisher's handling it?" She wondered. She couldn't bring herself to picture Conrad or Jeremiah, not yet.
"Whiskey." Liam answered.
After that Sarah stopped asking questions.
They changed into their clothes at a gas station thirty miles from the funeral home. As soon as Sarah saw how neat and pressed Liam's suit was, she regretted not hanging up her dress. Back in the car, she kept smoothing down the skirt with her palms, but it didn't help. Her mother had told her that rayon was pointless; she should have listened.
They arrived early enough to find Jackie bustling around, arranging flowers and talking to Mr Browne, the funeral director. As soon as she saw her daughter, she frowned.
"You should have ironed that dress, Sarah." She spoke.
Sarah bit her bottom lip to keep from saying something she knew she would regret.
"There wasn't any time." Sarah said, even though there had been. There had been plenty of time.
Jackie nodded tersely. "Go find the boys, will you? Sarah, talk to Conrad."
Liam and Sarah exchanged a look. What would she say? It had been a month since prom, since they'd last spoken.
The Campbell siblings found them in a side room with pews and tissue boxes under lacquer covers. Jeremiah's head was bent, like he was praying, something Sarah had never known him to do. Conrad sat straight, his shoulders squared, staring into nowhere.
"Hey." Liam said, clearing his throat. He moved towards them, hugging them roughly.
When it was Sarah's turn she hurried over to Jeremiah and hugged him as hard as she could. He felt stiff in her arms.
"Thanks for coming." He said, his voice oddly formal.
She had this fleeting thought that maybe he was still mad at her, but she pushed it away as quickly as it had come. She felt guilty for even thinking it. This was Susannah's funeral, why would he be thinking about her?
She patted his back awkwardly, her hand moving in small circles. His eyes were impossibly blue, which was what happened when he cried.
"I'm really sorry." Sarah said and immediately regretted saying it, because the words were so ineffectual. They didn't convey what she really meant, how she really felt. "I'm sorry."
Then she looked at Conrad. He was sitting back down again, his back stiff, his white shirt one big wrinkle.
"Hey." He spoke.
Sarah wasn't sure if she should hug him or leave him be. So, she squeezed his shoulder, and he didn't say anything. He was made of stone.
Jackie, Liam and Sarah sat in the pew behind the Fishers, small tear drops falling from Sarah's eyes while she squeezed her brother's hand. Liam had always been stone cold, but that day she caught sight of him shedding a couple of tears.
In front of her, she saw Conrad looking at his mother's closed casket with an unreadable expression, beside him Jeremiah was a complete mess.
The preacher gave a less than sentimental eulogy. He said nice things about Susannah. He called her kind, compassionate, graceful, and she was all those things, but it sounded a lot like he'd never met her.
When Sarah thought the service was over, Conrad suddenly rose to his feet. He grabbed his guitar from the side and took a seat beside the closed casket.
"This was the song that she always asked me to play for her." Conrad said as he looked out to everyone in the church before turning his attention to his guitar.
Slowly and with shaky hands he started strumming, creating a beat for the song Sarah knew he was about to play. Last Kiss by Pearl Jam.
More tears streamed down Sarah's face as Conrad began to sing. Her heart tugged and broke. When his voice broke, causing him to stop singing, she felt herself soften. Every bone in her body ached to run up to him, hug, kiss him, hold him close, never let him go.
That's when she made the promise to herself; she would not leave his side all day. She would be right there; she would be a tower of strength.
After the funeral everyone went back to Susannah's house. The adults were milling around, drinking coffee and talking in hushed voices. Jackie and Laurel were making conversation with fellow guests. Meanwhile Sarah sat alone in a far corner, away from everyone else.
She hated the feeling of the melancholy cloud hovering above them like a plague. Everyone in the house apart from the Fishers and Conklins were strangers to her. Without Conrad by her side, she truly felt alone.
Then her eyes noticed Belly at the buffet table, piling food onto two different plates. Sarah quickly got up from her spot and walked over to her.
"Hey." Sarah greeted softly.
Belly looked up from the plate. "Oh, Sar. Hi."
"What's... um... what's with the food?" Sarah wondered.
"They're for the boys." Belly explained, putting a wedge of blue cheese on the plate. "They went upstairs. I was going to bring them each a plate."
Sarah nodded slowly. "Oh. Conrad doesn't like blue cheese."
"Can you, um... can you actually bring this to Conrad?" Belly wondered, passing the plate to her. "I was going to bring both, but I need to check on Jeremiah, make sure he's okay."
Sarah looked down at the plate and bit the bottom of her lip. It would have been selfish of her to say no and despite the pain and agony it still caused her, it was his mother's funeral. It wouldn't make her a good person if she didn't bring any food because of her pain.
"Sure." Sarah replied, taking the plate into her hand.
"Thank you." Belly said with a smile before she walked past her and towards the stairs.
Sarah looked down at the plate before taking a handful of water crackers and a cluster of green grapes.
She let out a heavy sigh before making her way towards the stairs. She didn't know what room he was in, but it didn't really matter. She knew she would search the whole house if she had to.
Sarah walked down the hallway and noticed the rec room door at the end was open. She strolled into the room and finally found Conrad... only he wasn't alone.
Conrad was lying down on the couch with his head in a girl's lap. She was running her hands along the top of his head, like, they belonged there. Her shoes were off, her bare legs were stretched out on top of the coffee table. And Conrad, he was stroking her leg.
Everything in Sarah seized up, pulled in tight.
Sarah had never seen the girl at the funeral, and she was really pretty. The girl had dark hair and dark eyes and she was wearing a black miniskirt.
The girl saw Sarah first. "Oh, hey. That for us?"
That's when Conrad looked over and saw Sarah standing in the doorway with a plate of cheese and crackers. He sat up, not quite looking at her. Sarah walked over and put the plate on the coffee table. She stood there for a second, unsure of what to do.
She practically felt her heart drop when she looked at Conrad before backing out of the room slowly.
"Sar..." Conrad called, his voice just above a whisper. Sarah didn't say anything and continued rushing down the hallway, her heels clicking fast under her. She reached the top of the staircase when he caught up to her and grabbed her arm. "Please, wait."
"What do you want?" She demanded, shaking him off. "Let go of me."
"Sarah, that was just Aubrey." He said, letting go.
Aubrey, the girl who broke Conrad's heart before he hooked up with Nicole. Sarah pictured her differently; she pictured her blonde. This girl was prettier than what she had pictured.
She could never compete with a girl like that.
"Sorry to interrupt your little moment." She said.
"She was helping me." He told her.
Sarah scoffed and shook her head. "Glad to know where I fall in the ranking of ex-girlfriends."
"Don't." He began.
There are moments in life you wish with all your heart you could take back. Like, just erase from existence. Like, if you could, you'd erase yourself right out of existence too, just to make that moment not exist.
What Sarah said next was one of those moments for her.
On the day of his mother's funeral, to the boy she loved more than she had ever loved anything or anyone, she said. "Go to hell."
It was the worst thing she had ever said to anyone, ever. It wasn't that she'd never said the words before. But the look on Conrad's face. She'll never forget. The look on his face made her want to die. It confirmed every mean and low thing she'd ever thought about herself, the stuff you hope and pray no one will ever know about you. Because if they knew, they would see the real you, and they would despise you.
"I should have known you'd be like this." Conrad said.
"What do you mean?" Sarah asked miserably.
Conrad shrugged, his jaw tight. "Forget it."
"No, say it." She insisted. He started to turn around, to leave, but she stopped him. She stood in his way. "Tell me."
Conrad looked at her and said. "I knew it was a bad idea, starting something with you. It was a huge mistake."
Conrad's words felt like he'd stabbed Sarah in the chest. Her heart hammered in her ears. It was hard to breathe. Tears began dripping down the side of her face.
"I hate you. I never want to see you again." Sarah said and pushed past him, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand.
Conrad stumbled back, her words practically hitting like a hurricane. Without another word, Sarah ran down the staircase so fast she almost tripped over.
"Sar, please-" He called, instantly regretting what he said and rushed after her down the stairs.
Sarah sniffled when she reached the foyer and started to run. She ran by all the people in the room, and she could hear Conrad coming after her. She'd almost reached the front door when he caught up to her and stood in front of her.
"Don't, Conrad. Don't make this harder than it already is." She pleaded.
She knew the right thing to do was to walk away. She knew that was what she was supposed to do. In that moment, it was like she was floating above herself and she could see he and how everybody in that room was looking at her.
Conrad sighed heavily. "Sarah, I'm-"
"Just leave me alone!" Sarah told him firmly, tears continuing to stream down her face.
Sarah then looked around, the reality of her words and actions settling. She met her mother's eyes and sighed. Jackie glared down at her daughter with a furious expression.
Sarah gulped before running out the front door, leaving Conrad to only watch after her. She hoped he listened. She hoped to never see him again. If she ever had to look at him again, if he looked at her the way he did that day, it would break her.
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PUBLISHED: 4.03.24
A/N: I hoped you liked this chapter!
Votes and comments are very much appreciated!