I fed the animals their dinner, time passed slowly, but I was finally done.
I leaned against the barn wall and sighed as I slid down, sitting on the ground.
Images of Chuck's bloody face played in my mind on repeat. My body shuddered at the bones in his face making a sickening crunch.
I was used to violence, gore didn't affect me like it used to, but there was something about Negan being the one to deliver the beating that made my stomach turn.
How did he know what Chuck did to me? Why did he react like that? I couldn't stop worrying about him. Things seemed to be going well for him, all the privileges and little freedoms he was earning. Were they going to lock him in that cell forever? Would the council do something worse?
I truly believed that Chuck deserved what happened to him, but I didn't want Negan to risk all that he had, just to punish Chuck.
Amidst the chaos, Negan's actions seemed to blur the line between predator and protector, his relentless assault on Chuck driven by a primal fury that sent chills down my spine. Despite the fear that gripped me, there was a part of me that couldn't help but feel a twisted sense of satisfaction at seeing Chuck receive the punishment he so rightfully deserved.
But as the minutes stretched into eternity, and Chucks cries grew weaker, I found myself overcome by a profound sense of guilt.
It took three men to pull Negan off of Chuck, when they finally did, he was unconscious. He was carried off to the infirmary. The man who always guarded Negan showed up, he was cuffed and taken to his cell.
Why did he get so angry? He barely even knew me. Did he really care about me? My heart fluttered at the thought. My sadness deepened when I realized that I didn't know when I would see him again.
No.
I was going to see him tonight, and nothing was going to stop me. I went home and waited for some time to pass, it was only three pm.
I watched the sun go down from my bedroom window, I was so anxious. I knew I was going to have to do something bad in order to get the keys to Negan's cell.
I crept through the streets of Alexandria, making my way to the church, the one place I knew there would be a set of keys.
I opened the large double doors of the building, inside were two rows of pews before a steeple. The large cross above shadowed down. The room was lit by numerous candles, Father Gabriel stood with his back turned, reading some sort of scripture.
"Father?" I spoke.
He turned to me "Hello there Y/N, you've never visited the church before, what brings you here so late?"
I felt my conscious burn, knowing I was going to lie to him. "I need guidance."
"You've come to the right place, have a seat child." He said with a small smile.
I sat down at the very first pew, I had the urge to squirm around in my seat, but I remained still.
"What is plaguing you?" He asked.
"I witnessed what happened today." I said quietly.
"I presume you mean Negan?"
I nodded.
"Ah, yes. He is a tortured soul. I've tried to help him many times, and just when I think that I'm getting through to him." He looked at the ground
"What's going to happen to him?"
"The council will decide tomorrow. As for you, the violence you witnessed, it must be troubling you."
"Yes, father. I can't get it out of my head." I replied.
"My child, your feelings are valid. It's not uncommon for you to experience such intrusive thoughts after witnessing such a disturbing sight. Let's take some deep breaths together now, okay? In and out, in and out, in and out..."
I wasn't sure where he was going with this but I followed along.
"I know how you feel... witnessing such brutality is something that no one should ever have to see..."
He paused before adding more, his eyes still fixed on the ground
"...but if there is any comfort to be found, it is this: those who do evil will be punished for their actions. Negan will face his comeuppance..."
The thought of Negan being punished by god made me shift in my seat. I didn't know what I believed in but the thought of the afterlife scared me.
"What should I do?"
"That is a tough question... but I have a suggestion.. if this violence continues to trouble you, then try to look at it from a different perspective. Yes, it is an awful thing to see... but it is also the result of what happens when people refuse to follow God's will... Maybe try and find some solace in that..."
Tears welled in my eyes. "but father, what if Negan wasn't acting out of evilness?"
"Sometimes, even when people aren't acting with malice, they can still have evil in their hearts..."
He paused.
"Do you truly believe that Negan is so lost that he doesn't know right from wrong?.... Or do you think he just didn't care?"
"Maybe he doesn't care.." I replied.
The Priest remained silent for a moment, deep in thought
"Maybe he doesn't... But even if that's the case, that doesn't change the fact that he is sinning... In fact, it may be even worse if he knows what he is doing is wrong, but continues to do it anyway... But, no matter what his intentions are, sin is still sin, and he must face justice..."
"Is there hope?"
"There's always hope... But it depends on whether or not Negan is willing to take it.. I know that you care for him... and that's okay... But you must remember that he has done terrible things... and terrible things must be punished..."
Shock crossed my face at his words. "How did you know?" I whispered.
Father Gabriel gave a small chuckle.
"It's not hard to read you... you care about him... maybe even too much... but that's okay... It just means you have a big heart... But you must remember that not everyone deserves to have such love in their lives... because some people take more than they give... Negan is one such person..."
"Before today, do you think he had changed at all?"
He was silent, taking in my question.
"I believe that there was always a glimmer of hope... and a part of him that could be redeemed... What happened today might have shattered that hope... but I will not give up on him until I know for certain that he is too far gone... What do you think?"
"I think that despite the armor he puts up, there's good in him."
"Then I think there's hope for him... but do you also think he deserves another chance?"
"Doesn't everyone? I mean from what I've heard he's been well behaved this whole time, why should this set him back to the beginning?"
He relied in a gentle tone. "The thing is... even though Negan has been behaving well lately... that does not change the fact that he has commited some terrible acts in the past...and actions have consequences..."
"What do you think the council will do to him?"
He remained silent for a moment, his face twisting slightly
"To be honest... I'm afraid to think about what they might do..."
*He paused again*
"...but whatever happens, I trust their judgement..."
He took in a breath slowly, his eyes downcast
"...and I will not abandon him in his time of need... no matter what..."
"What is my part in all of this?"
The Priest looked up, his tone becoming more earnest
"As someone who cares for him... and wants to see him do better, your part is simple. Be there for him... but don't let him take advantage of your kindness. Be strong... but be aware of his flaws. Be his friend... but don't become blind to his actions..."
"Are you really supportive of this?"
The Priest smiled comfortingly, his eyes still gentle
"Absolutely... I believe in the potential that you see in him... and I have faith that you can bring that out.. but don't forget that you have to take care of yourself as well..."
"No one can know about this."
"I won't tell anyone."
"Father, I need to see him. I beg you to please let me use the keys to his cell"
"...Fine... I will let you use the keys to his cell if that's what you want... But do you know what you're getting yourself into..are you sure you want to see him?"
"I have to."
The Priest sighed, his tone becoming sympathetic
"...very well.... I'll let you borrow the keys for a bit... but make sure you return them..."
I was so relieved I didn't have to end up stealing from him after all.
I thanked Gabriel and left.
As quietly as possible, I tiptoed down the steps that led to his cell. I used the keys to carefully unlock the door. I hesitated before slowly pushing the door open.
The moon light shone into the small dark room, it was completely silent. I stood in the doorway for a beat before taking a step in.
There was no movement, I couldn't see anything except for a few feet in front of me.
My heart was pounding in my chest.
"Negan?" I called out.
There was no response for what felt like forever.
"Darlin?" Negan finally responded in a raspy voice
Now that I was here, I wasn't sure what to say to him. I felt guilty, like everything was somehow my fault.
"Are you okay?" I responded.
"On the table, there's a lantern, light it." He said.
I followed his instructions, I walked to the table in the corner of the room, feeling around for the lantern. I picked it up and turned it on.
It illuminated the room, revealing the tiny cell on the opposite side. He was sitting on the edge of a cot, his hands resting on his knees.
The cell was bare, besides the bed and a crate pushed up against the wall. There were a couple books laid on top. It made me sad, this was his home, that was all he had besides the stone walls and bars that trapped him in.
The look on his face was grim, his eyes were glued to the floor. I noticed his bruised and bloody hands.
"Negan?" I said again.
He slowly lifted his eyes from the ground. "What are you doing here?" He spoke softly.
"I needed to see you." I answered shyly.
"You shouldn't have come here." His voice raised slightly. "You're going to get us into even more trouble. How did you even get that key?"
"I don't care. Who knows when I would've been able to talk to you again?" I said in retaliation.
"I'm shocked you want to speak to me, I saw the way you looked at me. Like I was a monster." He said in a low voice.
"That's not true..." I said in almost a whisper.
In a flash, he jumped to his feet and angrily said "I didn't want you to see me here. like this."
His sudden movement made me jump.
"There it is, there's that look. I scare you don't I?"
"Negan. Please."
"No Y/N, you please tell me why you're here. Why the fuck do you care so much?" He began to pace around his cage like a tiger.
His words stung. I was silent for a moment before I felt the anger rise in me.
"Me? Why do I care? Why do you care? You're the one who almost beat a man to death."
He stopped pacing and turned to me. "He attacked you." He growled.
At this point I was yelling. "Yeah he did. How did you even know that? And I asked you a question. Why do you care? Why did you do that? No one got you into this situation but yourself."
"I don't give a fuck about you." He spat out.
The flames of my rage sizzled out and turned to sadness. I felt tears well in my eyes. I held them back, not wanting Negan to see me cry. "Then why did you do it?" I choked out.
"Because I don't like guys like Chuck. I hated him the moment I met him. It has nothing to do with you. You're just entertainment to me, you really fooled yourself into thinking I actually cared about you?" He started to chuckle.
Tears began to spill down my cheeks, I looked away from him, regaining my composure. I stared into his cold eyes.
"You really are a monster."