As I walked into school all eyes were on me. I could hear them all whispering. They stared at me as they stood in their small groups. I kept my head down as I went to my locker. It was probably just more talk about the Johnsons. I opened my locker and a bunch of papers fell out. I bent down and picked one up. I unfolded it and read the one word written in all capital letters.
FATTY
The paper slipped from my fingers and I quickly took my books from my locker to put them in my backpack. Paige walked up and tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, good morning," she said. I brushed past her on the way to the bathroom.
I walked through the hall and saw Jared standing a little ways in front of me. A hand was placed on my shoulder and I stopped in my tracks. I turned and faced Chase. "I can walk you to class," he offered.
"I'm not going to class," I said plainly. I kept walking and I could feel him next to me still.
Jared was leaning against the wall behind him and he had a girl by his side. She was leaning against him, her arms around his next. It was disgusting seeing him with another girl so easily. At least I didn't give anything up to him.
I started to walk past him and I looked at Chase. He was glaring at Jared. I kept my head down and I heard the girl with Jared say something. "Wow, she is really fat. Aren't you glad you left her for me?"
"Yeah, you're so much better. You're so skinny and pretty and funny and smart," Jared said as he kissed her cheek.
Before I could even take in what had just been said, Chase was in front of Jared and was pushing him around. I heard Ethan's voice and I looked back to see that Ethan had gotten Chase off of Jared as I walked past them. I was glad that he had come to the rescue. I didn't want Chase to get hurt or the more likely, in trouble for beating Jared up.
The words really sunk in after though. I kept my head down and fought off the tears but some still managed to slip from my eyes. I closed them and tried to erase everything I had heard and seen but that was no use. There was no way I would ever forget this.
His words cut deep into me. You're so much skinnier and prettier. Smarter and funnier. It was like the small amount of self confidence that I had was slowly slipping away and there would soon be none left.
I made it to the girls bathroom and the tears were really spilling now. I locked myself in a stall and put my bag on the floor. Why was this happening? Why wasn't I good enough? I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't skinny enough. I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. Maybe that's why Jason broke up with me. I was fat and ugly. I was stupid and boring.
I leaned my back against the door and began to sob. Why couldn't I be good enough? Why couldn't I make people happy?
In the middle of my thoughts I heard someone run in and start calling my name. "Ellie? Are you in here?"
I could immediately tell it was Paige. "Paige, please go away. I'm fine," I said from the inside of the stall.
She came over to the stall and stood in front of it. "Ellie, I know you're not okay. Please let me in." I didn't say anything. "Please don't shut me out again. Please don't slam the door," she sang. "You don't have to keep your distance anymore."
"Paige, stop," I said trying not to laugh at how silly this was. Paige was singing frozen songs to me as I was sobbing in the school bathroom.
"If you won't come to me, I'll have to go to you." She wouldn't. "Fine you leave me no choice."
Next thing I knew, I saw Paige's head pop underneath the stall wall. "I will come in there. You should just open up the door. It's much more roomy out here."
It was no use. She was going to make me laugh eventually. It faded as fast as it came though. I gave in and opened the door. "See that wasn't so hard." Paige instantly opened her arms to me and pulled me into a hug. For such a small girl she made me feel a bit safer.
I needed this hug. I needed someone to take all of the pain away and just save me. "I read the notes that fell out of your locker," she stated. "None of those are true."
"I only read one," I said. I didn't say anything more. I didn't tell her she was wrong. I didn't tell her she was right. I just stayed in her arms and glanced over her shoulder at the mirror by the sinks.
I was a complete mess. My mascara was running, my hair was messy, and my face was red from crying. That wasn't all I noticed though. As I was in Paige's arms, her back facing the mirror, I realized everything they said might be right. I was a bit bigger than Paige. You could see my body from around hers in the mirror. I sighed.
She pulled away and looked at me, confused. I had stopped crying but I was still sniffling. "Thank you," I said quietly to her. "You should probably go or you'll miss first period." I knew how important academics were to her.
"No, class can wait. I need to be here with you right now. Not in class." She smiled at me and rubbed the last tears off my cheeks.
She dropped her hands and turned around to dig through her bag. She pulled out a smaller makeup bag and placed it on the sink. "Come here," she said when I didn't move. She grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to the mirror.
I hated being that close. I could see all my flaws. I was larger than I should have been. I realized that I was bigger than I was when I first got here. It was all true.
She took out some small facial wipes to wipe off the smudged makeup. She gave it to me and I wiped my face while she dug through the bag for other makeup.
After, she turned towards me and started to apply water proof mascara. That was probably a smart choice. She didn't do much else seeing as I wouldn't really let her. I didn't want her to waist her time when it would most likely get ruined later on in the day.
We finished up just in time to go to our second class. Paige was being really sweet missing a whole class for me. She must have been freaking out inside, but on the outside she seemed calm and collected.
We passed Chase on the way and he grabbed my arm to stop me from walking past him. "Ellie, are you alright? You just kind I disappeared after that all happened." I didn't say a word. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what he was asking. I had just been called stupid and fat and ugly and boring by multiple people.
"Nothing they said is true, Ellie." He held my hand, but I pulled away quickly.
"I have to get to class." I followed after Paige. She turned around and looked at Chase. I saw her shrug and give him a I'm-sorry look.
We made it to class and I couldn't focus on anything. All I was hearing were everyone else's words. I couldn't think straight. The words were swearling around in my head and there was no place for them to be released. They would just build up and build up until my head would explode. That didn't sound too bad right now. I was getting a massive headache and my eyes felt really heavy. It was hard to keep them open.
I saw Paige look over at me a few times and I assumed she knew what I was thinking and how I was struggling. She didn't say anything though.
When the bell from the fifth class rang, students all throughout the school made their way to the lunch room. I, on the other hand, lost Paige on the way to our lockers on purpose. When she turned the corner to go to the lockers there was a large group of people coming towards us. She went to one side and I went to the other. She turned and I went straight. Straight to the bathroom.
I walked into the bathroom and there were a few girls standing in front of the mirrors. When they saw me, they looked at each other and then glared at me. I walked into a stall and I heard them all leave.
I opened the stall door and dropped my bag onto the ground. I dug through it and pulled out the brown paper bag that Lydia packs for us each day. I crumpled it into a ball and I heard a monstrous noise come from my body. I looked down and reached for my stomach. I was starving. I placed the bag on the counter and walked in front of the mirror.
My hair was still a mess. I was wearing way too much makeup. I was wearing an overly large shirt. My skinny jeans felt really tight. I lifted up my shirt enough to see my stomach in front of the mirror to see the weight I had gained. I felt huge.
I stood up straight and took a really big breath, pulling my stomach in. It didn't help me much because when I had to breath back out I just looked even bigger.
I looked back at the bag. I didn't need the food. I needed to be skinnier and people would like me. I was about to throw the food away when my phone buzzed in my back pocket. I took it out and read a message from Paige.
Paige: where are you?
Me: I'm talking to Mr. Arlet about what we missed
I looked back at the food and threw it away once and for all.
Paige: I'll come meet you
Me: no stay at lunch. I'll be there in a little bit
I was hoping she would listen to me. I wasn't going to lunch though. There would just be questions.
When lunch had ended I went to my next class and met Paige there. She had already found a seat and I sat next to her. She gave me a confused and questioning look. I knew she was wondering what was going on and why I wasn't at lunch. I knew she knew I didn't go see Mr. Arlet.
Throughout the class we were both very quiet. We didn't say a word. We both just worked silently on our worksheets, while the other people in the class quietly chatted with each other as they tried to get theirs done.
I came to a problem in the packet that we were given. It was difficult, for me at least. I bet Paige was doing just fine. She was really smart. I bet Jared's new girlfriend could figure out the problem. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. I should just ask for help. No, I shouldn't. If I asked then I would be stupid and pathetic.
I struggled on the problem for ten whole minutes, bashing myself as I went through it over and over again. His new girl is probably so much smarter than me. She probably knows how to do all of this stuff. And she's pretty. Unlike me.
When the bell rang, ending class, I quickly put my books in my bag and left the class without a word to anyone. My thoughts were killing me. I would slowly die from all of the thoughts that were eating up my mind.