"You can't just snub a show like the Grammy's, do you have any idea the repercussions this could have on your career? It's not a good look"
I cringe at the words that blare from our zoom meeting with Charlie Shawcross, the senior marketing manager at Columbia records. The American man doesn't even pretend to mince his words as his secretary takes notes at the speed of light in the other square. Jennifer sits on the chair next to me, she studies the screen whilst she simultaneously jots things down, and from the corner of my eye I can see that she is very antsy.
My thoughts still race to the argument with Lando.
Focus Lottie.
"With all due respect Charlie" I begin bravely as I rest my shaky hands on the table, "I'm only up for one award and it takes a colossal amount of time out for me with the travelling back and forth. I've not long moved into a new house, it wouldnt be fair on my partner if I leave now" the irony of my words hit me. Two hours ago this was exactly the case. Now I dont know If I want to get on the next available flight, "also, I never agreed to attend and I did put all this in an email, didn't I? Back in November"
"You said there was still a slime possibility you would attend"
"Slim possibility is a polite no in British" I ass thoughtlessly. It's Jennifers quiet tut and gentle kick against my ankles under the table that brings me back, "I'm sorry. What I mean is, the feelers were always out out there. I've attended countless events this last year, and throughout touring. Quite frankly, its been exhausting"
"You won album of the year last year, they'll expect you to go out of gratitude!"
"Mr Shawcross, what Lottie is trying to say is this is now her time off period. Regardless of the nomination, she's hardly been two weeks into moving in. We can't just expect her to drop everything when she has already informed us months ago that she wouldnt be attending"
"Things change" Charlie says somewhat menacingly, "Miss Hill, I'm not sure you understand how this works" my jaw clenches as I watch his grainy image read a manila file, "you are under contract. You're expected to make certain events. You're expected to represent your label at certain events. To put it quite frankly to you, we feel as if you treat this contract as a guideline. You seem to do as you please anyway. That is something that we cannot tolerate"
"Now hold on" Jennifer begins, seething "you've worked my client to the bone for the last seven years, she has generated an unimaginable amount of revenue. Her impact on the music industry cannot be overstated. If we're at an impasse here Mr Shawcross, then we will have to get lawyers involved, which we are not happy to do but more than prepared for" I rub the nagging ache in my forehead that has been brewing the entire time as I try and take a calming breath, "our reports show that Lottie hasn't had more than four months off in five years. You have worked her excessively"
"We are not solely to blame for that. Miss Hill has curated albums in her own time"
I sigh and sit forward, the anger from earlier still racing in my blood, "those bodies of work are creative expressions. I'll never not love what I do. That's not the point here. The point is, you expect me to be at your beck and call like a dog. I've given enough. I know I have. I would just like the freedom to be able to go away for a little while, and come back at the right time with the right music"
My argument seems to have done the trick, and the man is silenced. Finally. There is an awkward pause as Jennifer taps her pen on her notebook, itching for his response.
He closes his folder and sighs in defeat, "this won't be settled today. I will speak to the executives. Miss Lomax if you could send through your reports"
"I can do that right away"
"And Miss Hill. Know that what we do is in your best interests. You have to realise you won't be as popular as you are forever, someone newer and younger will come alone" he still can't help one last jibe, "we encourage you to capitalise on your popularity, that is all. We dont want to be at war with you, that is never our intention"
Words play over and over in my head, but I am not focused on the thinly veiled threats I know he wants me to. The sentences that keep repeating at the ones from Lando.
"Notes" I say lowly and look away from the camera. I sit back in my chair and fold my arms, happy to stare out the window as Jennifer quickly wraps up the meeting.
"Jesus. Can you believe that? The guys a knobhead" Jenny criticises as she closes the laptop. I dont respond, "Lottie, are you okay? You haven't been with it this evening, I'm worried"
I shake my head and she grimaces, "not really" I admit with a deep sigh, the hurricane of emotions start to twist in my stomach, "I feel like im being dragged in all different directions. Like whatever choice I make isn't the right one" I wasn't for a second talking about the conversation with Mr Shawcross.
"Hey, listen" she says with a motherly tone as I turn to look at her, "we will get through this together okay? And I dont want you to worry, this is what you pay me for right? This is my job. These people are just greedy, that's all it is. I promise you kid, its will get sorted"
"Thank you" I say with the ghost of a smile, "I honestly dont know what I'd do without you" I massage the back if my neck and sigh, "they can go fuck themselves. I know they won't win this battle"
"Atta girl!" she says cheerily and pats me on the back, "and, I'm always here for you, you know that" her phone lights up on the table, "Ah, Bill's ready when you are to taker you home. It's been a long evening, I'm sure Lando misses you"
"Terrible timing on your part there Jenny" I laugh bitterly as she gives me a concerned look.
"Whats happened?"
I can barely look at Jenny, my eyes focused solely on the cuffs of my sleeve, "we had a few cross words earlier to say the least. And me being me couldn't let it go so I made it worse by biting back. Then he goes in for the jugular" I sigh as I anxiously pick on a thread of my blouse, "we ended up having the worst argument we've ever had"
"It can't be perfect all the time Lot" I feel a gentle touch to my shoulder, "do you want to tell me about it?" she asks so softly, the look in her eye is nothing but supportive and earnest.
So I do.
I finish up the retelling of the events and shake my head, "the worst part was, it came out of nowhere. I just-" I stop, the words sticking to my throat, "I just wanted to be there for him. He just wasn't having any of it"
Jenny rubs soothing circles onto my back as I fight off the urge to cry, "we say things in the heat of the moment when we're stressed. And I know he'll be reeling from what he said to you" she says cautiously and my mind casts back to months ago when I was at my lowest after he slept with Luisa. "Sometimes we forget that other people need to love and support differently to how we do. Some people like Lando can't accept it for themselves despite giving it to others. Its a tough road, but as long as you stay on it together, you'll be fine"
I nod slowly, the idea of not going back home to him tonight fills me with heartbreak. "I just dont even know if he'll want to see me right now. I left quite abruptly and definitely eluded I wouldnt be coming back tonight"
"Of course he wants to see you. I dont think there's been a moment since you met he's wanted to tear his eyes away from you" I smile as I remember the way Jenny had taken to Lando instantly, despite her usual stern and protective demeanour around me. "Its special what you two have Lot, I really mean that" she states everything with an honest conviction, her voice quiet but carrying.
Instantly I think of Lando's smile lighting up every room he stands in. When we lay side by side in the garden just last weekend with our legs pressed together and our hands wrapped around each other, staring up at the stars, laughing as we made up constellations.
I cautiously take may phone out my pocket and there's a large number of missed calls from him.
I open my messages.
Lando x: Lottie I'm so sorry
Lando x: I dont know why I went so low
Lando x: please come back home
Lando x: I love you ❤️
My eyes sting with tears as relief floods my heart. I fire a quick text back:
I'm coming home xxx
Jenny regards me with a proud smile as I put my phone in my bag. I smile back and gesture to the phone in her hand, "tell Bill im ready to go home now"
"That's more like it Hill!"
*** ***
It's weird walking back into the houses, usually I can't get through the door quick enough and into his arms, but my feet carry me with a certain dread. There's a few lamps on, so the walk through is littered with lowlight. It's ironically romantic.
Im about to call out when I notice his still figure in the heart of the kitchen. I get the feeling he's been waiting a while as he stands and anxiously twirls his fingers.
I go no further than the entryway for now as he leans against the island, his head slowly lifts at my presence. Our eyes meet and I press my hand against my stomach, half for support and half to cover the imaginary gaping hole I've been feeling.
His mouth opens, but no sound comes out, like the words are caught in his ribs. He looks down, then back up. His eyes dont seem to quite focus when he looks at me, his face ridden with shame. I can tell he has been crying.
"I didn't even feel like I was in my own body tonight" the words slip out of me before I even know it as he stands frozen, anticipating where this is going. He looks nervous, like im about to scold him, but I dont even have the energy for another argument. My lips pull down at the corners with the effort it takes for me not to cry, "I felt like a piece of me was missing" I say in a breath, startled by my own honesty, "I couldn't settle. All I could think about was you"
"I'm so sorry Lottie. I'm so fucking sorry" he whimpers and looks at me with wet cheeks and eyelashes. He looks soft and vulnerable and I love him so much. The tears start to pool in my eyes as relief washes over my, grateful at him calming down and seeing the damage. He wipes his thumb under his eye and sighs, head hanging low in shame again, " I shouldn't have said what I said. I should never have spoken to you like that"
"Look at me" I say and he immediately does clinging to my words like a child with hopeful eyes. I watch him for a moment too long, long enough for his expression to be etched with devastation, like for a heart stopping moment he thinks im going to end things. I give him a small smile, a hint of reassurance, anything to let him know I'm never going to leave him again.
"I'm sorry too"
There's a moment of silence that hangs between us. My eyes drift to the kitchen table that holds a magnificent display of red rosed he must have gone out to purchase. I take a second to breathe and compose myself next to him. He regards me with hurt eyes, desperate for reconciliation as I look away from him and lightly trace over a petal with my finger tip.
"Whats that saying? May flowers remind you why the rain was so necessary?"
"Fuck the rain" he breathes out whilst squeezing his eyes shut against tears that start to come anyway, "I dont want to ever argue like that, ever again"
My chest aches as I watch his eyes open and fill with more tears. I take his hands in my own, "Shhh, dont cry love" I say and pull him in for a bone crushing hug, my hand gently cradles the back of his head as he sobs into my shoulder, "I've got you" I soothe, "Its okay, I promise"
"Its not okay, I was horrible to you" he bursts out, "I was just so caught up in what happened today, I just lost it and took it out on you" I feel his head shake against my shoulder, "I won't forgive myself for that"
"Yes you will" I say as I plunge ahead and try not to think about any of it- the arguments, pressure, uncertainty, mistakes. All I can feel is him. All I can think about is how much I adore him. I sigh against him and kiss the side of his head, "because I forgive you" I kiss him again and squeeze him tigers, hoping my truth seeps into his very bones, "look, im not going to lie, what you said hurt me. You were angry and cruel" I feel him tense in my arms as he lets out another broken sob, so I do my best too soothe him with a kiss on his shoulder, "I know you're truly sorry. I know you didn't mean it. I would never hold that against you, especially with how you treat me every single day. You worship the ground I walk on, I wont forget that because of a few cross words baby" I say with conviction as I hold him tighter, "I never should have walked away the way I did, that was cruel of me to, im sorry for doing that"
"All that matters is that you came back" he pulls back and meets my gaze, "I love you" he says, trying his best to fight against the sob that catches in his throat, "you have no idea how much I love you" the earnestness of his eyes takes my breath away for several long seconds, "I won't let my pride get in the way of us again"
I can do nothing but reach up and wrap my hands through his hair as I pull him in for a gentle loving kiss.
"I love you too" I murmur against his lips, "im sorry for biting back"
He pulls away and shakes his head, "I gave you every reason to" he winces, "I hate that I was like that to you. The worst side of me just reared its ugly head and you didn't deserve any of it"
I lean my forehead against him and trace lightly down his back to soothe him, "you're forgetting something" I add and place a lingering kiss against his cheek, "you once told me you'd love every side of me, even the ones I didn't want you to see" I pull back and raise my hands to his face to wipe under his eyes gently, "what makes you think I would love you any differently?"
"I dont deserve you" his eyes shine with fresh tears and it hits me what they're still the most beautiful shade of blue I have ever seen.
"We'll agree to disagree on that one" I say with a raise of my brow as I continue to soothe him, "I'm sorry how I handled it earlier, I get you need space when you've had a tough day"
"No" he says quickly as he wipes at his eyes, "I was a complete dick. I was just focused on the things that aren't even important"
"Of course it's important. You love your job" I say just as quickly, "I get it Lan, I do. You just wanted time to process it and recover and I need to let you do that instead of smothering you"
"Nothing is as important as you" he utters with a sad smile as he touches my cheek softly, "I need you to really understand" he gazes at me with intent, his face soft and open and vulnerable, "you are my priority, always. I just got in my head and lost sight of that for a second" he says passionately as his hands come down to squeeze my shoulder, "I dont want you to feel like you need to give me an extreme amount of space when I'm stressed" Its like he can't stop the words from spilling out, "If I ever get like that again, I do need you. I'll always need you. God I almost lost my mind thinking you wouldnt come back" he anguishes, and it's clear as day how relieved he is that I did.
I trace my thumb over his cheek delicately and really look at him, "You always try to carry so much" I tell him and his eyes soften as if im reading his mind, "you dont haver to do it alone"
"I know, its just-" his voice cracks and he clears his throat, "Its...hard"
"Being vulnerable?"
"Yeah" he sighs and his shoulders deflate. "I'm trying to be better for you. Usually I can swallow it down and get it under control but I just lost it today. The truth is I didn't want you to see me like that, and I ended up ruining the whole evening because of it"
"Please dont suppress anything for me. I told you im here for life, even in the bad moments. These things happen, and they happen to the best of us baby" I say gently as I kiss his temple and pull him in for another hug, "all is forgiven, I promise. Dont torture yourself over it. Just be with me"
It's quiet for a few minutes as we hold each other for a good while. I trace careful shapes against his back, enjoying the cuddle and unwilling to ever let him go, im afraid if I do he might shatter.
Eventually, he presses his face into my neck and sighs, "you smell so good"
"Vanilla sex" I murmur and press a kiss to the shall of his ear.
"Excuse me?"
"The new Tom Ford" I smile, and it feels so good to smile that I can't help but laugh as well, which startles him to pull away from my neck and look directly at me.
"Whats so funny?" he frowns playfully and pokes at my chest.
I raise my brow and smirk at him "Im just glad you like it. I did myself all up for you earlier but sadly you weren't in the mood for it" I tease and press my finger to the deep frown line between his eyes to smooth it out, "too soon for jokes?"
"A little" he says under his breath, dropping his eyes to my lips, "I love you".
I beam, never tiring of hearing those words as he kisses me once, sweetly. I hum as he kisses me again, slower, and then he speaks with his lips still pressed on mine, "can we go to bed now?"
"Why? Have you got some making up to do or something?" I tease and steal another quick kiss. He doesn't give me an inch of space as he chases after my lips.
"Something like that"
Our lips meet again, hot and eager. The kiss is 'im sorry' and 'I love you' and 'never leave me again' all at once. I tug him backwards into the living room, with every intention to make for the stairs and up to the bedroom, but then he does that thing with his tongue and I can barely breathe. I ache for him in a way ive never ached before. We fall onto the sofa, fully clothes, his leg slips between mine as we grins against each other like it's our first time being intimate but I dont care. I dont care about anything except the feeling of his skin against my skin, his mouth against my mouth.
It's almost embarrassing how little time it takes before I start to feel the white hot heat sparking just behind my navel as he snakes his hand into my knickers and rubs on the right spot expertly. I moan into his mouth when he bites my lip and grind his erection against me. Im consumed in all of him as the pleasure builds and builds. I gasp his name, hear him gasp mine back and that's all it takes. I tear away from the heated, breathy kisses as my back arches and my head presses against the cushions as I moan his names over and over.
I come down, slowly, with my arms wrapped around him. He withdraws his hand and I feel him press soft kisses to my hair, my forehead, my cheeks, and I slowly open my eyes.
"Bit embarrassing how fast that was" I murmur out in a daze still as he strokes some of my hair out of my face, "you're too good at that, its becoming a problem for my stamina"
"Oh, would you like me to not touch you in the future?" he teases with a glint in his eye. It makes me feel impossibly happy seeing that park back, and his smile seems to glow through the half lit room.
"Stop asking silly questions when im pliant and sex drunk" I roll my eyes, trying to look annoyed, but the smile etched on my face says otherwise. Lando's smile turns fond like it doesn't when he knows im genuinely happy.
"You are so beautiful" he says, staring right into my eyes. I've heard him say it countless times, but I still blush under his loving gaze.
"Look at you getting all shy" he laughs and leans down to press a gentle kiss on my lips, "come on, lets get showered and get into bed"
"Five minutes" I beg and pull him back in for another kiss, "please" I say against his lips.
"Five minutes" he agrees with one last chaste kiss and shuffles down so that I can lay my head on his chest. I start to rest my eyes and he sighs contentedly, "you know we're going to wake up at 3am completely disorientated and cursing the fact we've not gone to bed"
I keep my eyes closed and smile.