I kept on banging the door. Asking him to come out. He listened to me. He stopped sobbing. He was silent. It scares me more. I kept on calling their name.
"Rith Sir! Listen to me. Please open the door", atleast tell us why are behaving like this."
He was silent all the way. I was myself panicking.
"Are we not trustworthy? Do you not trust us at all?", I got infuriated and yelled at them, we are trying so hard and he is!
"No Ishir!", he finally said.
I got so calmed at once.
"You are so close to me. I told you. I trust you a lot. You, Kiaan and my friends I love them all. I just don't want to bother you all at all. I don't want to spread my darkness to yours. I don't want to involve you people in mess. I don't know what am I doing. I don't know what to say. I dunno why I am even crying. I am just a bad guy."
"BOTHER?! Bothering you? No, you are nottttt!! Get this thing out of your mind", I cried when he said. What could have emerged these thoughts in him. I just can't... He wasn't like this before?
"You people are my life. I come to you all when I am done with my shitty life. You people are a refuge to me for all the problems of mine. I don't want to push the darkness from this side to the other side of the door too..."
"Sir! We won't let the darkness there to overpower us. Trust me and Kiaan, you trained us well to light lamps. That day, to this day. If I and Kiaan are together it's because of you! You are our source of power. If you will fall like this, how are we going to live our lives. Kiaan always looks up at you when he is down. Your mood is what defines ours!"
"I am not at all brave and I am tired of it, pretending every single minute, that I don't care! I do care! I fucking die!"
"You don't have to be brave! Everyone is allowed to be weak! But the guy on the other side of the door told me once - you are allowed to be weak, but promise to yourself to get up and fight again"
"I don't wanna fight anymore! It kills me. I mess up everyone's life. I bring matam to everyone's life. When I trusted someone, he also left me. He just doesn't care at all. People leave when you need them the most. I stayed with him in his breakup. I supported him all, but he did what? I cried all the way in room. I cried my eyes out. Not a single night. Lectures too. Leave it alone, after we lost street dance battle, my fear came to real life, I just couldn't handle the faces of you juniors. They were like taunting me that you can't even handle a team. I am not good at all. You people were my support then, my sole reason to be happy. But after that we all kind of stopped talking, I just couldn't get through this past. I managed my best to keep the team happy. At least we were happy while practicing, but at last it boils down to what, A fucking win? I know everyone is sad, but... I know people are struggling more than me, but I do also suffer? Why does people behave so normal to me like I have never suffered or I have the most soothed life?"
I was silent. There was a lot filled in him. It was all boiling in him. I felt crying. He suffered it all himself when he never let me suffer alone. I want to slap myself. I want to curse myself.
"I... I dunno... sir!... But if you would say that you mess everyone's life! That is wrong and I can yell it on your face! I dunno about others. But this guy, my senior, can never create chaos. And guess what, yes there were problems in the street battle, but we went there as a team, problem was not all with you, it is the team. We team were wrong. It is us that lost, not you. It is normal to lose. I am so proud of you. Heading us for the first team street battle was not at all easy. I didn't know how did you gather the courage to get there leading us. I would rather not be able to! I will let you know this. Our practices were the best, you should know this. Nobody would have come if you really didn't make us stay there with your leadership and your jolly behaviour. Don't worry about us. I don't know about our team but yes people misunderstand you, because they never try to see you at all. They never looked at Rith they were watching. We see this guy. My brother left me here that day alone. We didn't knew each other, but you Sir! You! Came to a stranger who was crying in the corner, sobbing alone. You ruffled his hairs! You made him realise that a brother in IIT too exists! I cried until I met you. You fulfill that gap inside me sir. I am living here in IIT is because of you! Kiaan is with me, is because of you! My life is boon is because of you. Did you hear that???"
He just cried and cried and cried. I am angry at myself. How could I never have understood what goes behind that smile. It was always true, people with prettiest smile hides the most behind it and that is why God gave them that smile. Merciful God!
"... Ishir.... I always knew the beginning and the ending but I still dared"
I was confused?
What is he saying?
The thing I knew was that the it was boiling at the brim and was now coming out. I didn't try to put on a lid and let its boil! At least the weight of the water will decrease inside it!
"That day when I first saw him, I was a friend. People just behave good with you for gains? The point if time when they get what they need, they leave you hanging. You cannot do anything lest being sad, because you still admire them. You still love them.", He said and went silent.
"Sir! You said I am just like you? Normal person cannot understand what are you saying. But someone told me once, if you want something dearly, snatch that thing. For the first time please prioritize yourself? Try it sir! Get it sir! Just get it"
The sound of cries went higher and the fact I knew I hit the point.
"Pri... Prioritize?", he faintly asked me.
"Ask for your space!", I yelled back.
"Space...?"
"Yes, your space!"
"Ishir you are a gentlemen, Kiaan loves you a lot! Never leave him. He will always keep you happy!"
"Still Sir!?... At this point you are still caring for me? We are good! I am good! Prioritize yourself. Ask for your need! Ask for what you need!!!!"
I always wondered why is Sir so calm, kind and caring. He just wanted to give love to others that he never received. He was also the same kind, giving was his language, taking was wiped out.
He never wanted to talk this all things, but we are also his juniors and he can't see us like this, broken, sad and saying that Sir doesn't trust us. I knew he never wanted to talk but he was afraid to loose us too when I said that Sir don't trust us!
"Sorry Sir!", I said.
"It's okay! I just need space... Please don't tell all this to anyone Ishir. I beg you", he cried to me. I can feel him touching the door from the other side.
"Sometimes you feel like telling everything to someone but at the same time you dunno who to tell", I said.
"And sometimes you want the other person to know everything that you are dying but at the same time that person is the most ignorant about you", he completed me.
"Life a joke sometimes", I told Sir.
"It is!"
"I won't say anything to anyone Sir!"
He was lying was lying against the door. Behind it. Silent now. Cries were still audible to me.
Pain.
Sorrow.
Anger.
Frustration.
And Love...
......
I saw Kiaan coming back with someone.
"How is Sir, Ishir?", Kiaan asked me. There was desperation in his eyes.
"He did not reply yet. I can hear him crying inside", I told him, holding his hands. He was panicking and I couldn't see him like that. He is very delicate. I could see his eyes brimming too, as neither he nor us has ever seen Sir in this condition.
"Two faggots in front of another faggot's room", some people screamed from the other side of the lobby.
Kiaan got furious. After that night, many people have been calling us faggots. We accidently came out as boyfriends. We are proud. I stopped Kiaan holding his wrist. Nodded him a No!
"Sir is our priority, calm down Kiaan", he gave me desperate mood. He was furious enough to kill those people if it weren't for sir now.
"I am Rahim, lemme try Ishir", the other person who came with Kiaan told me. He looked calm at such a situation.
I kept holding Kiaan hands, he was furious and suddenly sad then again furious. I never saw him this desperate for anything.
I kept banging on the gate. I can hear something. None of the neighbours cared for us banging on the gate. Every other friend bang like this on their friend's gate. People can be so ignorant at times, I realised it then.
"I can hear something. It is no longer a cry! He is silent. Its worse", I was about to break the lock when I heard him clicking on the phone. System's voice. He was trying to type something on his call. He was continuously typing. I told Kiaan too.
We all went silent now. We were not able to do anything. His phone rang suddenly. And sir picked up because it stopped ringing and he was talking.
He said....
Something like Aarav.
.......
"Something is not right mom.", I said waking up from a midday nap.
"What happened beta? Aarav are you alright?", my mom asked me.
"I dunno ma! I feel something is not right. It feels like I am losing something. It is just not good. I feel something is not good ma! I just dunno?", I told my mom as she entered my room.
"Were you crying?", my mom asked me, "beta, Aarav, I accept you for who you are, you being gay is not at all a problem. I accept you and I love you. I am sure if your dad were alive, they would also be happy baby".
"Cry?....", I jumped out of my bed and looked into the mirror, ".... tears?"
"What happened?", my mom asked again.
"I did not cry because of me being gay or something!", I told her, "I dunno, I just woke up and now I see myself crying"
"Did you see something bad in your dream, A nightmare?", my mom hugged me from back.
I was silent. All I could see was Rith in dream. He was sleeping beside me.
"....and he kept asking me if he was a bad guy? He kept crying?", I mumbled this.
"Who is Rith?", my mom asked me.
"Is he.... you know... what I am saying", my mom teased me out.
But I couldn't understand why did I cry. I feel empty. Something is not right mom!
"Mom! I have to meet him", I cried, I screamed which made my mom unhold me and taken a step back.
"Ok ok! Sure you can but! Just forget your mom!", mom teased me again.
"I have to call him mom!", I hold her hands. She could see worry in my eyes.
"What happened Aarav? She touched my cheeks and slowly carressed me. She also went worried watching me like that. I don't know what has happened to me. I was all good when I went to sleep. I am feeling empty now.
"I feel he is alone, he crying! He is crying alone somewhere worried mom! Somebody is snatching him from me mom! I feel losing him mom! I need hi ma! I need him!", I went all out. I am terrified. I am continuosly crying. I don't know the reason. I am just feeling this.
"Why are you crying beta!", mom hugged me tight. Her touch calmed me for a second but thoughts came running back.
"No body is snatching him from you. He is there. Your red thread will never let you both separate. Your dad told that to me, about that Japanese legend of red thread, when he proposed me on a dancing stage", my mom told me.
"Red... Red thread?...", I looked at my mom's eyes.
"Yes beta, Red thread. The thread whose one end is tied to your little finger, she pointed at my pinky finger, going all the way through the world. And the other end is tied to your soulmate. Your lifemate. It holds power to not let you mix with others people love and has the power to bring you and your lover together", my mom told me, "it might get tangled sometimes, but never breaks and will eventually bring you together. You feel each other's emotions. You feel him."
"I feel him. I feel.... I have been ignoring it! I.... I am a stupid mom!", I exclaimed. I dunno what I am blurting out of my mouth. I am mad.
"Mom, I feel like he is struggling with something, it feels like he is calling me", I told my mom.
"Call him", mom handed my mobile to me.
Rithhh... Rith.... where is his number...? Rithhhh...
I found it. I was constantly looking up and down. Again and again. At my mom, who was looking at me. She was worried too. But kept calm look for me.
It was ringing. And he picked up.
"I hear him sobbing mom!", I looked at mom, terrified, sad, and surprised. Put the phone on speakers she said, I immediately followed her.