CHAPTER TWENTY
Wings Of Death
Four Months Later
Robb's POV
The frosty air bit my face as I stood in the courtyard under the grey skies of Winterfell. My cloak pulled tight around my body as the wind whipped a little harder than it had in previous days. My leg tapping into the frozen dirt beneath me while I waited to hear the sound of horses coming toward the gates.
Theon had gone to be sure Jeyne's house was cleared out before we decided to gift it to someone in the village who was in need of a new home. Alana didn't want the house. She hardly wanted to leave the walls of Winterfell anymore and even worse... She hardly wanted to leave the four walls of our chambers.
Four moons ago I was the happiest man alive. I was on top of the world finding out my wife was pregnant with my child after being placed on a time frame given by her father. One year. We had one year for her to be pregnant or already have a baby.
I stared at the gate as my mind was racing again. Time has flown by all too quickly and every single day it's something new that worries me. But now that Jeyne and Jon have left for White Harbor at least I can sleep with a bit more ease at night.
I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around quick, my mother stood there bundled up in one of father's cloaks. Her pale face smiled at me but her cheeks and nose were bright red from the cold wind.
"Mother, go inside. You're freezing." I told her gently. "I can wait alone for Theon."
She shook her head. "You don't need to wait outside for him. Theon will find you inside, he knows where to find you."
I looked down. "I don't like being in there."
"Robb... She is still your wife." Mother muttered softly. "Her entire life has changed in an instant from the moment she arrived here... She has all the reason to be upset."
I shook my head. "She hates me again."
"Stop that." Mother took my hands in hers. "She is suffering and trying to force herself to be happy at the same time. As are you... You've buried your head in work and problems that are not yours to deal with just to avoid talking about it. Yet again. I cannot do this, Robb. I cannot sit here while you do this to our family again. When you deal with grief you shut down... She is your wife. She needs you."
Trying to swallow was impossible. It felt like there was a rock stuck in my throat and each time I tried to fucking swallow it down it only seemed to become more stuck. My hands were frozen and yet they dripped with sweat as the words came from my mother's tongue. Words I refused to even utter inside my own head.
"Maester Luwin said it's normal, Robb, it's normal for things like this to happen. She is young and so are you. You lost one baby but the other one is fine. Growing wonderfully and things are going much smoother now."
Alana had been pregnant with twins but we didn't know... Not until blood poured from between her legs and she fainted in my arms early one morning. I thought she was going to die and I... I had never been so frightened in my entire life.
Maester Luwin told her to just let it bleed out... Which she did. After two days the bleeding stopped. The cramping stopped and all of a sudden.. She felt movement within her. We thought perhaps she was imagining it and her body was playing tricks on her to make her believe she hadn't lost the baby.
That was when Maester Luwin examined her and realized she was still pregnant. She still had one baby in her and she must have lost one. He'd seen in happen before a few times and told us its common but she needs to stay in bed for a while in order to be sure she doesn't lose this baby.
It's destroyed her.
It's destroyed our marriage.
It's destroyed the love we worked so fucking hard to build between each other.
She avoids me. She just lays in bed and stares blankly at the wall or at the ceiling. She won't even cuddle with Grey Wind anymore even though he doesn't leave her side. Alana used to say that the touch of his fur would calm her and bring her to the perfect level of tranquility but... She won't even touch him.
"I don't want to talk about it." I muttered through gritted teeth. "Go inside, Mother. I won't tell you again."
"You may be acting as Lord of Winterfell but you do not get to speak to me like that, Robb. I am your mother and I am still Lady of Winterfell and of the North. Your father-"
"I am not a Lord." I grunted. "I am the Prince of fucking Westeros, Mother. Learn your place and learn how to fucking respect my title." Anger caught in my throat and I knew I shouldn't be speaking to my mother this way but she has pushed my fucking buttons for weeks now. Everyone wants me to show my emotions instead of bottling them up...
Well the fucking bottle is about to explode.
"Robb-"
"Mother." I practically growled at her with my tone. "I will not tell you again. Go knit by the fucking fire! Do whatever it is that it takes to get you away from me and keeps you from fucking badgering me!"
Horses sounded in the distance and I knew Theon was returning. I kept my eyes locked on my mother though as she glared at me. She hadn't looked at me like this since before I wed Alana. And the last person she looked at with this much anger and rage was Jon before she threw him out of Winterfell. Telling every guard that if he returns without a proper invitation to throw him in the dungeons.
I don't know what their final conversation was.
But it must have been as brutal as this one I'm having with her.
"If your father were here-"
"Well he's not." I argued with her. "He's living his life in King's Landing. Wiping Robert's fucking ass for him. Drinking and probably fucking whores in Little Finger's brothel-"
A slap.
My mother fucking slapped me.
"Your father would never disrespect me the way you do. He would never in a million years treat me the way you have treated your own wife. Do not look at me like that, Robb, I know what you did last week. You visited that little whore of yours. Theon told me. You should be ashamed- disgusted! You laid-"
"I did no such thing." My fists were bawled so tightly my nails were digging into my skin. I could feel the skin breaking beneath my grasp. "Did I go to a tavern? Yes. Did I speak with a woman? Yes. But did I touch her? No. I just... Talked to her."
Mother's eyes narrowed. "Ned would never-"
"I am not my father." I stared as the gates began to open and Theon and my men flooded in on their horses. Turning my head over my shoulder back to my mother, I shook my head at her. "I won't tell you again. Go inside."
Without a word she stormed off.
Theon jumped down from his horse and ran a hand through his hair. His grey eyes darting from my mother back to me as he strut toward me. Even the way he walks is so fucking cocky.
"Seven Hells was that about?"
I shook my head and rolled my eyes. "Putting her nose in business that isn't hers." I grunted. "You told her about last week?"
Theon shook his head and chuckled. "Why would I tell your mother that you got a blow job from a whore in the backroom of a tavern? That's against our code, Robb. I would have told her you took up knitting before telling her the truth. In fact- I'd tell her you gave me a blow job before ever telling her that you cheated on your wife."
"Lower your fucking voice!" I hissed at him.
Theon laughed. "You weren't telling that girl that last week when you had your hand up her skirts and she was crying out your name."
"Fuck you." I grunted as we walked toward the stables. "It was a mistake. You're certain you didn't tell my mother? She said you did-"
"On my honor I didn't tell Lady Catelyn anything." He reached his hand to me to shake mine. "Nor did I tell anyone at that. Especially not Alana. She'd kill you."
I scoffed. "Yeah... I'm sure."
"Come on, Robb. It's been harder on her-"
"Has it?" I narrowed my glare at him. "I lost Aerion and now one of my children-"
"And yet you still have another child on the way and a wife you've been fucking neglecting." Theon said aggressively as he removed his gloves. Leaning against the stable door and rolling his eyes at me. "You can't keep using Aerion's death as your reasoning for being a fucking cunt, Robb. I'm your brother- now and always. You know I will forever be truthful with you. And right now? You're the biggest fucking cunt. Your wife is pregnant and suffering from loss... You got into a fight and the first thing you did was go find a fucking whore to fuck around with? God, if Alana were my wife-"
"Shut the fuck up."
"No, Robb. I won't." He argued. "You don't know how to fucking be happy. You don't know how to have anything good in your life because the moment things get a little tough you want to just go and fuck them up. You were so upset that Alana called you a monster, yet you've done nothing to prove to her that you're not. If I were her I'd pop their kid out and never even look at you again."
"She'll never find out."
Theon spit at the ground. "No wonder you and Jon are brothers. You're both fucking losers."
My rage got the best of me and I lunged at him. Pinning him against that stable door by his throat. I could feel the air becoming trapped in his throat but Theon simply laughed at me and narrowed his eyes.
"Scared of the truth?" He forced out and I stared into those grey eyes of his.
He's not wrong.
He's right about me.
I am a fucking loser.
"I'm not like Jon." I replied as I lowered my hand away and he took in a deep breath. "Jon had a baby-"
"Just because you didn't fuck that whore doesn't make you any less of a jerk. Alana loves you, Robb, she fucking loves you. She's hurt right now because you haven't even attempted to show her a drop of love."
"What about me?" I argued. "Everyone is always so fucking concerned about Alana and her feelings about all of this but what the fuck about me! I lost something too! I lost as much as Alana! I-"
Theon shook his head at me with anger. "You don't get it."
"Get what?" I crossed my arms.
Theon looked done with me. "Go talk to your fucking wife before I go and tell her what the fuck you did."
"Theon, don't you dare-"
"Go." One single word felt like I'd been struck by lightning.
My feet fumbled as I left the stable and started up the stone steps toward my chambers where I knew I'd find Alana. But each step turned my stomach. Once I hit the hallway that lead to my chambers I could feel the bile burning the back of my throat. I was going to throw up. I could feel it.
The door looked as though it was breathing.
I reached my hand to it when it opened on it's own. A servant girl leaving with an empty tray. She bowed her head to me and scurried away. When I stepped into the room Alana was laying in the bed. Facing away from the door. A cup of tea sitting on the side table and a plate with bread on it.
Untouched.
"You need to eat something. It's not good for the baby if you starve." I muttered as I moved to the other side of the room to hang up my cloak.
Nothing.
"Alana." I said loudly but she didn't budge. "Alana-"
She pulled the blanket over her head.
"Oh fuck this." I got up and went over toward the bed and ripped the blanket off of her completely. She didn't even look at me. She wore a thin sleep gown and for the first time I could see how much weight she's lost and yet her stomach had been swollen from the baby.
I grabbed her by the wrists gently and sat her up but it was like she was looking through me. Still not saying a single word. Her hair was unkept and beyond the point of messy. Dark circles lived beneath her eyes and Gods... She stunk.
"Alana you need a bath."
Nothing.
"I'm calling for someone to come take care of this. This is- This isn't you." I muttered. "I want my wife back."
-
After a bath and having the servants do her hair and dress her in a fresh robe, Alana came back to our chambers and went back into the bed. Sitting up this time but still staring blankly out the window.
I sat there and looked out the window too.
Trying to figure out what the hell she was staring at and that was when it hit me. The children playing outside. Rickon and Bran and their friends. All the kids of Winterfell and the village right outside. Running around and laughing. Women bouncing babies and Alana just stared for weeks now watching all of them.
"I will never give you what you want." She finally spoke and her voice horse. Enough to shattered my heart and bones.
My head nearly snapped off of my neck when I turned my attention to her. "You give me everything by breathing."
She shook her head. "If I lose this baby too... I will be a failure. I should have given you two babies. I lost one... I was too stressed out. I worried too much and I... I failed you, Robb."
"You did not fail me." I felt sick again. "I... I failed you."
Her eyes finally looked at me. "I pushed you away. I'm sorry."
"No..." She has no fucking idea. "I'm sorry."
"You've lost too much in your life, Robb, and I couldn't even give you a proper family." She started to cry and I took her into my arms. Gods, she's become so thin and frail. I was almost scared I'd shatter her by holding her. "Your mother says you are angry with the world again. It's my fault. I was supposed to make you better, I was meant to heal you-"
"Stop..." Gods she has no idea how fucking painful this is for me. She's been shut down for weeks now because she's worried about disappointing me and letting me down? If only she knew that I betrayed her fucking trust. "Alana please... I don't deserve you."
"You deserve better than me."
"No I don't." I can't tell her the truth.
"You do, Robb, you absolutely do." Her hazel eyes welled with tears. I pushed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. "I love you, Robb, and I haven't said that to you in so long. I really do love you and nothing will change that. Although I'm sure you do not love me anymore... I'm... I'm the monster."
That's it... I can't take it anymore.
"No, Alana... I'm the monster." I confessed to her softly. "I-"
The door burst open and Maester Luwin was standing there with a letter in his hands. "My Prince... Princess Alana... I am so sorry to interrupt and come unannounced but... Word came from King's Landing... There's been... An accident."
"An accident?" I rose from the bed and even Alana came to her feet.
"Please, Princess," Maester Luwin said softly and pointed for her to sit back down. "I don't want to cause you more stress but... Please just sit..."
Alana did not sit. She wrapped her arm around my waist and held me close. My body nearly recoiled from her touch. I was about to just confess my wrong doings to her and now I'm here receiving horrible news with her.
Oh how cruel the Gods can truly be.
"King Robert and Lord Eddard had been on a hunting trip with Lord Renly and a few other men. To make a long story short after days on end of drinking Robert tried to take on a boar by himself. He struggled and demanded no one help him. Lord Eddard would not stand for that and he... Lord Eddard was injured. Badly. Worse than Robert had been. Robert is in a recovery but unfortunately Lord Eddard-"
My head was spinning and my spine felt as though it collapsed. My legs- they no longer could hold me upright. I dropped to my knees and it was like everything was moving slowly. Alana got down with me and held my in her arms while I cried. While the salt tears burned my eyes and my lungs struggled to produce enough air for me to breath.
My father...
My father is dead.
My father is dead. My best friend is dead. I lost one of my children and I- I'm the worst fucking husband to ever live. And my mother... I was so fucking cruel to her just earlier today. Everything started to hit me at once. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't form words.
I don't deserve Alana.
She's sitting here pregnant and holding my head against her chest while we're sitting on the floor. She's catching my tears and trying to hush me to soothe me. Trying to get me to breathe.
If only she knew that monster that I truly am.