-Alexandra's P.O.V.-
I remember it all. The hot burning pain running all over my body. The weakness and the feeling of my soul and the rest of my body giving up. I was at that place again. I'd dream about this from time to time. It was always the same, a nightmare I've been trying to forget for years now. I wanted so much to become a new person to forget all the hate and anger that ran through my body as I was a teen. But it would find its way and sneak up behind me as soon as I forgot about me, dragging me back into reality, slapping me across the face telling me it wasn't over. It was never going to be over.
Because the thing about the past is, the more you try to escape it the more its going to keep running up to catch you. I was that kind of person, a runner. So scared to face what was in front of me I'd just pack up and leave. Just like that, without another word.
In this dream everything was disorientated. I knew I was in a bathroom with black and white floor tiles and bright florescent lights. I was laying down on the floor because my whole body hurt, my eyes struggled to stay open and the world was spinning around me. As I struggled to move or even lift one part of my body I felt my lungs tighten up in the same motion. It was now difficult for me to breathe. I could feel my lungs tightening up and it was like I was breathing through a straw.
My head felt light and dizzy, so I closed my eyes to maybe ease some of the pain.
This is so much better. My thoughts whispered sweetly to me.
Isn't it so much better when there's only darkness around? It's comforting..maybe I'll stay like this forever. It said.
No. I shook my head and opened my eyes still feeling the world spinning around me, it was so fast I was becoming a part of the spinning, like I was being sucked into a whirlpool of never ending white tiles and fluorescent lights.
Deep, hot, flashes of pain coerced through my body in my struggled attempt to stop the spinning, but in response my chest tightened and again I took a heavy, deep breaths to keep from slipping. Slipping from life.
"Help me." My soft whisper echoed through the bathroom but I doubt even I heard it, it was so low.
My throat closed up, my lungs tightened, my heart beat slowed, and I began to slip...just slip away.
I sat up in my bed upright waking up from the disgusting dream. My heart was pounding out of my chest I wasn't sure I was able to control it. I touched my face to see if I were dreaming or awake right now. They shook as I did that and I could feel tears begin to form at the corner of my eyes.
I hated how I couldn't stop remembering what I wanted to forget. A tiny sob escaped from my mouth, and I instantly covered my mouth because I remembered I was no longer in a room by myself anymore, Misty was sleeping silently on the other bed facing away from me.
Tears began to slip like waterfalls down my face and my attempts to push them back all failed, and more sobs began to escape my mouth without permission. I didn't know how loud I got with my crying but when I opened my eyes again Misty was by my side holding my hand softly a concerned look painted on her face.
"Dara, whats wrong?" She asked me.
I shook my head. "It's nothing...sorry I woke you up." I apologized.
She frowned and sat on my bed still holding my hand in hers. "Alex, you can talk to me if something is wrong." She said to me.
I looked her in the eyes everything about her seemed genuine, it was something I loved about Misty. How sweet she could be, kind and caring. Jayden was super lucky that he had her because people like her were like a dime a dozen. Me....not so much, you found blonde hair blue-eyed girls all over the place. I wasn't anything special.
"Come on, Alex you can tell me...aren't I your best friend?" She asked her.
I sighed deeply. "It was just a night mare, I've been having them a lot lately...it's nothing really." I insisted.
She didn't seem like she believed the part about it being nothing.
"You were crying, that didn't seem like nothing." She told me.
I looked away and my eyes focused on the shadow of the moon on the wall reflecting from the half-open window. Misty and I both had a preference for it being a little chilly in the room. The weather was always better when it was a bit colder.
I trusted Misty, she didn't let me down whatever it was. I could tell her everything without it being awkward. I gave my hands one last look before I told her.
"Misty, you have to promise to keep this between you and me...promise?" I asked her.
Misty gave me a calm and focused gaze. "Of course I promise." She nudged me. "Don't you trust me or something?" She said playfully.
I smiled sadly and told her.
-
I was just a little freshmen when I started at Cambridge High. I was so nervous but I was creepily excited as well. I couldn't sleep last night just thinking about it, and I was finally here. All my hopes to find new friends, go to parties, maybe even meet some cute guys were in full blossom and I was ready to pick the flowers.
For me, it wasn't hard getting those things even as a incoming freshmen by the first week alone I had 5 new friends. The second week I had a crowd. They were all nice giving me compliments all the time. I didn't know if they were genuine or not but it still felt nice. Even despite the amounts of friends I made in the short amount of time in high school the only closest person to me was Jenna.
We use to talk to each other about everything. We were like two inseparable pieces, she was my missing piece and I was her's. Or...at least I thought I was her's. Jenna had a harder time finding friends the first couple of weeks so she stayed with me which was great because we could share out high school memories together.
I remember being home one day doing my homework and studying for upcoming quizzes and tests for school. My books were sprawled all over my bed opened to various pages that I was reading at the same time. It was all easy for me to understand anyway so it wasn't a problem. Jenna came pouncing in with a big grin splattered across her face.
Whenever Jenna was happy, I was happy so when she smiled, I smiled.
She told me she met a guy named Liam Payne, he was a Senior. I slightly frowned when I heard this because I knew Seniors and Freshmen didn't mix. The guys were only going to take advantage of the innocent girls. I didn't want that to happen to Jenna. But I saw that she was happy, so I was happy too. I was so foolish back then.
Days went on and Jenna began distancing herself from me. She sat at the Senior's table with Liam. I watched as his hands greedily clung to Jenna's waist and I prayed he wouldn't try anything with her. But I knew I was just lying to myself. I'd hear Liam and Jenna in the next room..."doing it" and stuff. I just plugged my ear buds into my ears and block them out with some heavy metal or something. I always still wanted to believe Jenna wasn't feeding into the lies that Liam was telling her.
One time when I was making a sandwich for myself, I basically spent most of my teenage time in my room either working or thinking up ideas for social interactions with other students. I wasn't the one for constantly being out and I think my father appreciated that in me. He saw me as the air to the May company.
Anyway I was making my favorite sandwich when the bell rung. I didn't want to pick it up so I let Jenna get it. I thought it was a delivery or something so I didn't pay it any mind I just continued to finish my sandwich when I heard footsteps gearing towards me. I forced my head up. It was Jenna and she stood all to closely to who I assumed was Liam. He didn't know me but I knew him.
Jenna introduced me to him. I said hi keeping my distance from him. His eyes stayed glued all the way until I took my sandwich and left. From that time Liam constantly came over to the house and whenever I was there he'd invited me over alongside Jenna.
"Come on, Alex...Jenna and I don't mind aren't you alone?" He'd asked me.
I shook my head. "No, I have tons of work to do." I said.
He scoffed. "Come on work can wait." He insisted.
In my head I scoffed. And that's why his grades were probably suffering now.
He'd then firmly grabbed my hands and pull me into the movie room despite my protest I shut my mouth quickly when Jenna was close to ear shot.
I sat obediently next to her and away from Liam trying my best to look engaged in the movie when knew I was far from that. At school Liam would always "find" me and walk me to classes, when I didn't need his help. He'd buy my lunch sometimes when he found me on line, I didn't need that I could have taken care of it myself.
When I found some quiet time down near the school tree at the garden, laying my head down and enjoying the peacefulness of life Liam would appear out of nowhere and lay alongside me. He'd talk and I'd barely listen to most of the crap he talked about which was football and I hated that sport with a burning passion.
Then he finally worked it up to invite me to the Senior's table. I didn't want to leave my friends but I wanted to see what Jenna ogled about when we got home, or bragged about where she slipped classes...to see if it was all worth it.
I sat by Jenna and Liam introduced me to everyone at the table. They seemed nice and complimented me like my other friends, when they got comfortable with me they started to say things like: How I'd look good with Liam, and that we'd make a cute couple. When Jenna was sitting right there...his girlfriend.
I did my best and immediately swerved the conversation to something else because I could tell Jenna was getting uncomfortable.
I looked up at Misty as I told her all of this and she listened to me intently her body covered in my blankets. Her head rested on the headboard alongside mine and she waited for me to continue. Her eyes full of nothing but curiosity and concern for where this story was heading.
I continued.
Fast forward about a month or two. It was gym time for me, my friends and I laughed and jogged around the track along with the rest of the P.E. class. It was a bit chilly outside but it was all fine. A couple of yards away we could see the football team practicing whistle blowing, coach yelling it was everything I hated. We continued on with our routine, class was then finished.
Every week we'd have two people help the Phys Ed teacher clean up and this week it was my turn alongside this other guy. I quickly did what I had to do and knew I was already the last one in the locker room to change. Since there wasn't anyone in the locker room I wasn't hesitant to slip off my clothes and did my best to quickly. The locker room door opened and I assumed it was another girl who left something and came back for it, but God was I wrong.
Liam shows up wearing some of his football gear but it was clear practice for him was over. And here I was Alexandra May in my bra and panties fighting to get my jeans on and Liam-a guy with a big smile on his face.
I tried to slip on my jeans faster but my hands were shaking, I knew what was coming.
"You're not suppose to be here." I murmured as I buttoned my jeans.
Liam chuckled and walked over to me. I averted him and headed to grab my top, but he was quick and grabbed it from me.
"Give it back!" I said my heart was picking up speed and I didn't like where this was going. That smile was still scribble on his face and sickened me to this day.
"You have to kiss me to get it back." He said.
No way in hell! I remember myself thinking. I had an extra pair in my bag anyway. I tried to grab for my bag and his voice stopped me.
"Alex, why are you being like this to me...I really like you, don't you like me?" He asked.
I shivered, I needed my shirt back and it was cold.
"You're dating Jenna that's your problem." I said.
His eyes arched a little. "So if I wasn't dating her, you'd go out with me?" He asked.
I almost puked. God was he full of himself or something?
"No." I said.
He frowned. "That hurts." He said.
I shrugged. "Good, now give me my shirt." I demanded.
He shook his head. "Will this change your mind?" He said. He was over by me in a quick motion and he pushed me against the cold tile walls.
I gasped at the change of temperature on my back. His body crushed into me his lips did the same, smashing into mine not giving me one second to catch a breath. I struggled out of his grip but it was sort of useless he was on the football team and I didn't play sports.
His hands slipped over my exposed body, they found its way to my bra clip and tried to undo it but I slapped his hands off it.
"Don't touch me!" I roared and used all my power to push him off me, grab my shirt, and run out the door and away from him. Now I would laugh at myself for something so simple as that because if someone where to try that with me now I'd beat their ass in less than a second.
Liam was always "touching" me. It really bothered me sometimes. I always let it go. I didn't know why but it was like I was always trying to find the good in people even if there was none to be found.
There was even a point in time when he needed tutoring and he came to me, so he could stay on his precious football team and I helped him, only because Jenna was hysterical about him not being popular anymore and her reputation being ruined. Anything to keep a smile on Jennifer's face.
Anyway Liam would fool around more than he'd work, but I looked past it I wanted Jenna to be happy so to make her happy I had to entertain Liam and make sure he did what he was suppose to do. He'd crack jokes and I'd pretend to laugh as if any of his jokes were any good...and none of them were. All those time I spent "laughing" with him I spent puking the next. He was just so disgusting to be around. His hands would constantly touch my thigh rubbing it in upwards downwards motion distracting me.
I pushed his hands off every time and told him to focus he only did sometimes. Enough times to pass and continue to play football.
When he was done with all his tutoring I began to ignore him again. He must have thought he was in for a breakthrough because he kept calling me, insisting that we hang out more or something and I denied it all. I was tired of him and I had a new obligation: Zeta Theta Nu. I made this group to have fun with my friends and enjoy what I was suppose to with high school life. It wasn't hard to get daddy on board with the idea he even bought the house for me.
Parties were thrown like no other in there. Legendary parties everyone was there having a good thing and that's what made me happy, that people were having a good time because of me. People seemed to like me more because of these parties too.
Flash forward maybe another moth or two. Jenna was hysterical again. Saying that Liam was distancing himself from her and that she thought he was going to break up with her. I didn't like seeing Jenna upset like that so I did what I had to do. Liam came up into my bedroom and I saw it as a perfect moment to confront him. I told him off...I said that he shouldn't be around me when his girlfriend was right next door to me.
I told him to stay the fuck away from me and to never speak to me again. He wasn't having any of that instead he pushed towards me and kissed me. I tried my best to push him off, I wasn't having any of that anymore.
And just like that my luck runs out and Jenna comes storming in fuming red hot. Liam flinches back and continued on with the standard guy line that just got caught. Tears were welling in my eyes because I've never seen Jenna get so angry. She slapped him across the face and he stood there stunned.
I brightened up and thought that she was finally seeing the light, but then she came over to me and did the same. I stood there frozen in shock and contemplating why she struck me as well. Tears rolled down my eyes because I never though someone who could be so close to me, always sharing secrets with me would be the one to hurt me the most. That was the last time I ever looked Jenna in the face as a person...from that time on I saw her as a monster.
Jenna made my life miserable. And when I mean miserable...I almost died because of her. After that scandal Jenna didn't hesitate but spread that around school. Of course it didn't do anything but boost my popularity more not that I cared. Jenna hurt me for her own selfish reasons. When she saw that it didn't work slowly...but steadily my groups of friends diminished until I had none. She fed them lies about how I spoke behind their backs about things I never said. It was a depressing time for me, I came to sit at my usual table and my friends shunned me. Like I wasn't even there.
More rumors came out, more people stared, pointed, and laughed. I started to not talk much to people. I came to school and left because I had no friends and I had no life. Jenna had a "posse" that would continuously harass me push me against lockers, pull my hair or something like that. But I stood through it like it wasn't anything.
They got harder and harder on me. They put up websites slandering my name, calling me a slut telling other people I fucked their man or something and I never did. Still to this day I am a virgin. But no one believes you about that crap anymore. After that I stopped trying all together. I didn't wear any cute clothes to school, I switched to sweats and hoodies because that felt comfortable to me. I didn't do my make up anymore, I barely ate because they called me fat.
The girls would tease me about how my golden, sheer, blonde hair was the color of a whore's hair, so I cut it off. I remember that day as my hands shook violently, tears blurred my vision terribly, and I came to school the next day being laughed at, talked about how my hair was fucked up and shit.
My father...he noticed I was changing I wasn't the same anymore...but he said nothing.
Girls continued to bully me, make me feel like shit. I was just there now. A vessel waiting to be taken away from this world. Wondering how people who had once called me beautiful called me a whore....a skank, a bitch?
I wondered and I wondered. Thoughts swirled around my head every single day and for every single day my mind wandered, I cut.
My arm was full of cuts, and sores some healing some not. Because the physical pain going through my body was nothing like what was going through my heart. Every time I cut it didn't even hurt anymore, so I cut deeper. I was a mess my grades were dropping, I didn't throw parties anymore, I didn't eat at dinner, I barely spoke.
It would have all been okay going home and at least being free of the torment and all. But I was a really unlucky girl I was born with pretty features, a smart mind, a wealthy father, and a bully right next door to me. Jenna would bring her friends over stand behind my door and call me names, laugh as I cried on the other side.
"Come out Alexandra we just want to talk." Jenna's voice taunted me.
I didn't respond. Tears were pouring down my face.
"Maybe's she's too much of a pussy to come out." One of the girls said.
Jenna scoffed. "She's probably crying like a bitch in there." She laughed.
The girls laughed with her and I cried harder.
One day I couldn't handle it anymore. I went into my dad's medicine cabinet took anything I could find. Sleeping pills..I remember taking a lot of those I was so tried I barely slept anymore I stood up crying, thinking, of a way out of this place. I found just the right solution.
I stepped into the bathroom poured myself a glass of tap water and swallowed as many pills as I could. As I stood on the bathroom floor I cried: talking, screaming to myself asking God why me? Why me? The world spun around me and I had to lay down to keep my eyes open. My throat tightened and so did my chest. It was like my dream all over again. All the hurtful things Jenna and her friends said to me running through my head.
Liam. The fucking reason I was in this mess right now. He said he loved me, but where was he? No where to be fucking found. Soon after that I lost consciousness.
When I woke up all I saw were bright lights pinned up above me and I thought...this was it. I was dead. I'm in heaven now...at least it will be all right. I remember moving my body and feeling every ounce of it hurt. I groaned.
Thats when I heard voices. They were distant but the more and more I strained to hear they got closer and clearer. They were the sounds of my father crying. My eyes cleared up from the misty fog they were in and I saw him. His eyes were red as if he hadn't slept in days, he looked worn out and tired.
Tears were streaming down his eyes, which was something that shocked and terrified me at the same time. I never saw my father cry. Not since my mother died and that was years ago.
My father wore nothing more but a professional look. But here he was standing above me, taking my hand and kissing it telling me not to ever leave him. That it will all be fine. I heard him say all of that as Jenna stood at the front of my bed with a slick smirk on her face.
I left after that, I asked my father to enroll me into a London boarding school and he did just that. I finished the rest of my high school years in a secluded dorm with no friends. I practically graduated with strangers. But it gave me time to think. My hair grew back, my scars began to disappear I still have one large one on my arm till this day. In London I learned how to fight and protect myself. I took karate, boxing, and self-defense. The more to protect myself the better.
I finished my story and looked up to Misty. Still awake her eyes were opened in shock and her eyes had a teary look to it.
"Alex I-." She began but I cut her off.
I took a deep breath and showed her the faint cut mark left from last attempt from cutting. She looked at it and then back to me probably wondering how someone as bubbly as me could do that to myself.
"I stopped years ago but the mark is still there." I said wiping tears from my eyes.
"Alex...I'm always there for you, you know that right?" She asked me.
I didn't meet her gaze but I shook my head. "I know." I responded.
She shook me. "Look at me, Alex...nothing like that should have happened to you...neither is it going to happen to you again...as long as you got me, Chrishell, and Tess." She said and she wrapped me into a tight hug. At first I was a bit shocked by it but I gave in to her warm embrace.
Slowly...but surely I began to feel happy again.
"Now you know why I'm so nice to everyone...no one deserves to be treated like I did."