A Few Hours Later...
Jensen Jackson...
"I never meant to cause you any sorrow, I never meant to cause you any pain, I only wanted one time to see you laughing, I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain,"
I am not normally one for romantic ballads but there was something about this song by Prince that seemed to resonate inside of me. My thoughts are fully captivated by the beautiful wonder that is Sage.
The warning from Nathan fully embedded in my mind. If I continue to deny the bond, and if I insist on not claiming my mate it is going to cause pain. I can't even begin to imagine what that pain would be like, but I do know that it is not a pain that I want to cause anyone.
Would we be able to withstand it?
Would I be able to withstand seeing my mate in pain?
What about Mary?
I still loved Mary. More than I probably should. It is that fact that is giving me pause. I shouldn't be as concerned about her as I am about my mate but I am. I think that I will always be concerned about my girlfriend. Breaking up is not going to change that. I know that deep down. I know that a part of me is always going to love her. I can't explain it, I don't even know if what I am feeling is normal but there is a part of me that will always belong to Mary. A part that even Sage can't touch. And that pains me.
I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel so trapped by everything.
That is what I feel.
Trapped.
Trapped in my relationship with Mary.
Trapped in my connection with Sage.
Trapped in this suspended state. I can't move on with my life until I have seen Mary. I want to do it now, because Nathan was right about one thing, the longer I leave it to deal with, the more it is going to fester and that is not something that I am prepared to let continue. It is that resolve that has me marching across campus to the admin-wing of the main teaching building.
I can't wait another month to go home and address this. I need to make a clean break and if I can go home for a day to deal with it, then I can come straight back, giving both of us the space and time to begin the healing process. Unfortunately, with the academy rules I have to request permission to open a portal that would get me home in a matter of seconds as opposed to flying that would take much longer.
I know that there is simply no way that I am going to be able to concentrate enough to bond with my new coven if I have this hanging over my head and I only hope that our Head-Mistress will take pity on me, and I am not against using the fact that she is good friends with my parents if I have to.
Our newly formed coven is important if we are to help Eve and I can't possibly give my best when my focus is split. I mean, I know that I need to break up with Mary but that doesn't mean that I am going to instantly start something with Sage because that would be a truly douche-move that even I am not capable of. No, me and Sage are going to take time before anything happens but at least I will not have to worry about being close to her, or what might happen if I am too close to her. I will be free and clear to let what happens, happen organically.
"I never wanted to be your weekend lover, I only wanted to be some kind of friend, baby, I could never steal you from another, it's such a shame our friendship had to end, purple rain, purple rain, purple rain, purple rain, purple rain, purple rain, I only want to see you under the purple rain,"
The song continued to play in my ears as I walked, my mind fractured with so many thoughts.
Sage is with Eve right now and they are practising their incantations for magical theory class in an hour. Professor Lawson is a hard-ass, and it won't matter to him that Eve is new to our world. And as part of our coven, it means that we protect and help one another where we can. Besides incantation is where Sage excels with her power. For me it is potions – I have always had an infinity with mixing and creating new potions. I'm not entirely sure how much help that might be if we are to come up against the devil, but we will have to wait and see, I guess.
It's wild to think about everything that we learnt last night.
Eve is a Demi-God.
Our new friend is the daughter of the Goddess Freya. It has been Goddess only knew how long since there has been a Demi-God in the world. At least as long as I have been alive that we know of. I am sure there must be others; I mean it's clear that it happens, so why are we assuming that Eve is the only one?
Lucian, aka the devil is whispering in her head, trying to make a connection with her that we have to find a way to sever. I mean, it would make sense to use a potion and incantation combination and with my focus split that could be dangerous, surely Head-Mistress Nightingale could see that right?
Then there is the fact that Eve is not only fated to my former roommate, Nathan but also to a shifter whom I have to admit that I haven't had many interactions with, and also our professor, I guess that is the hardest one to wrap my head around.
A teacher and a student would normally be grounds for expulsion and the teacher being fired but Mr. Stoker handled it as pragmatically as he could have – he went to Nyx first to inform her of the connection. And from what he told us, they have come up with a plan for him and Eve.
One that includes her class-work being graded twice and an agreement where he would show no favouritism in class, they weren't to flaunt their relationship while school was in session and even went as far as stating that he thinks it would be best to keep it only for when they are in their apartment under the cottage. If I am being honest, I kind of admire him for his belief in his own restraint, especially with the fated-bond in place.
I could only hope to have that level of restraint when it comes to Sage. But first I need to take a leaf out of Professor Stoker's handbook and handle this pragmatically.
I have to end my relationship with Mary before I can even contemplate letting anything happen between Sage and myself.
I will not allow myself to become a cheater.
I will not allow anything to happen between Sage and I until I have done right by Mary. My girlfriend deserves that at the very least. And as much as I am dreading ending it with her, I know that it has to be done.
Crazy is not a good look on anyone and if I continue to deny this bond with Sage that is exactly where we are both headed. I have the power to save us from that pain and anguish. And I will. For the sake of my new coven. And for the sake of my fated-mate.
Sage.
Sage Prescott...
Why does it now feel like I have been walking through my life with blinkers on?
I have had boyfriends – who have been serious and like I didn't think that I could live without. I have had connections that felt like love, like I could forgo the idea of a fated-bond for someone that I pick for myself. I was an idiot to have even imagined that I could forgo the fated-bond. Now that I have felt it – I know that there is no forgoing the bond when it strikes, because it is so strong, so encompassing that I can barely even remember anyone before him.
Jensen makes me feel more alive, more connected, more centred than anyone has ever made me feel before; of that I am one hundred percent sure. And that is without either of us addressing the bond that I know he feels as much as I do. I can feel the way his body seems in-tune with my own – like we are on the same wave-length as each other. The way my heart thumps erratically in my chest, the way my breath locks almost painfully in my lungs, the way my body heats up like I have a fever, the way I shake like a junkie in need of their next fix. I know that he feels it too, I know that he feels it all just as deeply as I do but for whatever reason he is intent on keeping me at arm's length.
Does it hurt?
Of course it hurts. This is my fated-mate, and it feels almost as if he simply cannot stand to be around me, despite his body's reaction to me. I keep asking myself if it is because he simply doesn't like me as a person.
I mean, that has to have happened at least once in the history of fated-mates, right?
There is simply no way that the fates get it right every time. I mean, there has to have been mistakes made along the way – I know that some shifters reject the bond, but from all accounts it is beyond painful and irreversible. I can't let myself believe that I am the first person to have a mate who doesn't like them. The cut of agony that comes at the thought of him hating me is so deep and mind-numbingly painful that I have to take time away from him. Being around him is just too painful.
I may put on a good show of hiding how much it hurts but I am not some ice-queen who doesn't feel anything. I am not as unaffected as I am trying to fool everyone into believing I am.
Eve had pulled out a small stereo and set it up as we went over incantations, and it was the perfect accompaniment to the seriousness of the lesson I was giving her, but it was the current song that resonated within me to the point where I could actually feel tears prickle my eyes.
"...I never want to be alone, never want to be alone without you, I never did believe in much, what if all the things I'm fearing are true, and I thought I knew you well, maybe I don't know as much as I think...sometimes it makes no sense, sometimes you just can't tell, sometimes it makes me wonder...seems like the more I give, the more I'm losing you, seems like the more I have, the more I have to lose,"
I am not usually one for sappy ballads, but this has a heavy drum-beat that makes it more than a simple ballad. And there is something about the lyrics that just feel fitting for my situation. Which is silly because he isn't even mine, yet he feels like he is. I can't explain it better than that – my soul recognizes him as my other half.
When I was younger my mom always used to tell me that the reason we had fated-mates was because to have all that power in one body would be fatal on the body and that when you meet your-fated it is like your magic calls to theirs in a way I simply couldn't understand as a child but now I get it. I feel stronger around Jensen. Like the chaos just calms and I feel centred.
"Aren't spells supposed to rhyme?" Eve asked, pulling me from my musings.
"Sure, if you're in a TV show or a novel-" I laughed. "Or if you have a penchant for the dramatics!"
Popular culture in the human world puts a spin on these things. The truth is, you can pretty much use any words in a spell that you want as long as you have conviction and intent behind them. There really is nothing more complicated behind it. White magic requires your heart to be pure but if you have darker intent that is where spells can become dangerous because the darker the intent the more chance of the spell back firing or even going off course.
"The thing with spells and incantations is that all you really need is pure intentions behind what you are asking for. Although, I am not even really sure that spells and incantations are going to work for you -"
"Why not?"
"Well, you are a Goddess, that means you are far more than a simple witch, you may not even have the witch gene at all, which would mean that they simply won't work for you,"
"Can't anyone cast spells?"
"No. Another popular belief that just simply isn't true, you have to have magic in your genes before you can cast spells,"
"If that is true then why am I here?"
"My best guess is that you were brought here to learn how to wield your power and the campus is charmed to protect the inhabitants, which means while we figure it all out this is the safest place for you to be!"
I have to believe that is true because anything else doesn't make sense. I just hope that we can make this work. A mating-coven with another fated-couple has never been done before as far as I am aware.
I see the way Eve sort of deflated at my words and I stop what we are doing so we can sit and talk. I like Eve, she seems like a straight shooter, which is much like myself. I hate when people beat around the bush and try to sugar-coat the truth. In my opinion that simply doesn't help anyone.
"How are you doing?" She asked me, this girl's ability to read situations is almost second to none.
"I'm ok-"
"Come on, Sage, it's me, I can see that the whole thing with Jay is getting to you!"
We may have been roommates for a short period of time, but we have really bonded in that short time, and I have found myself confiding in her about this pull I feel to Jensen and how I believe him to be my fated-mate.
I can't imagine how she is feeling with three mates so far and with the knowledge that there could be more, it has to be daunting for her. I mean she has had so much information coming at her at once. Yet here she is offering me comfort and an ear to bend. I appreciated that more than I could ever say.
I feel almost lost. I don't know why Jensen is holding back from me and I don't understand why he is being hot and cold with me. One minute it's almost as if we are heading in the right direction and then the next minute, he is colder than the winter air around us. Is it because he hates me? I don't want to believe that is the truth but what else am I supposed to think?
How do I deal with all of this?
Is what I am feeling even real?
Am I projecting the need for a fated-mate onto a male that I find attractive?
I would ask him if I thought that he'd give me a straight answer, or more likely, if I believed that he wouldn't fly off the handle. I guess there is a part of me that fears he will laugh at me and tell me that I am delusional.
All I know for sure is that this pain is growing stronger and stronger every day. And every day the anger and confusion inside of me is rising to the surface. And I am terrified of what I am capable of when it comes to this man.