❄️
"-Talking to a girl is easy." I told my teddy bear, Mr squishyton. He was yellow with buttons for eyes and a missing arm that I had bitten off when I was ten years old.
"Talking to a girl, who you talked to before through an experiment of love from the otherside of a classroom door -Who you surprisingly fell in love with but who denied what the two had to go any further than the 36th question.Which broke your heart for a couple of months but you got back up and who now is suddenly back and beautiful and words that I don't have in my vocabulary yet. Talking to that girl is hard..."
❄️❄️❄️
23 November 2023🥀
I couldn't believe that I had finally spoken to Bub-Thandiwe face to face.I couldn't believe that our eyes met and that I witnessed the beauty of her smile.I couldn't believe that I hadn't just grabbed her in that library and kissed the -
Okay, calm down!
When I got home the first thing I did was search for the song Night Air. I couldn't believe I was about to listen to a jazz song.
Jazz, according to me, was for depressed old people who wanted to dance in this awkward, bone stiff way, remembering good times. I put on my headphones, making myself comfortable on the bed and pressing play.
It started with a trumpet, tuning out the melody. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.
"So Jazzy." I said to myself.
There was a whooshing sound effect of a powerful wind and the trumpet halted. Then, the sound of a man's voice, smooth, velvety and unique. He was slow in his approach, gliding over every word and making it hit your soul.
And to think it was just the beginning.
Yep, jazz songs are long.
Then the instruments came into play again, this time with a little more rhythm and beat, it almost made me want to dance...
The man's voice followed the rhythm but it stayed smooth, riding the waves of the beat and before I knew it I was moving my head in that obnoxious way that jazz lovers listen to songs, thinking that they are better than us.
The song was in a few words, Awesome sauce!
And despite it being long, I found myself hitting replay. I found myself dancing around my room in that jazzy way. I found myself laughing at nothing in particular. I found myself feeling the song Night Air on a deeper level, singing along, belting out the lyrics that I knew were wrong but felt that my version was better.
I loved the song with everything in me. It was... words could not express.
And maybe it was the intensity of my love for her that connected to this song so much. Maybe it's because of how I saw her dance in that way, her eyes fluttered shut like she was flying.
Maybe it was because as I danced to the song I couldn't help but picture dancing along with her. I couldn't help but see myself with her as she moved to the tune in that boundless way and her arms were wide open and....
I loved the song!
Right after that, I was on this jazzy high. My mother came into my room, shouting at me about still being in my uniform as well as the condition of my room. I came down for supper, sitting on the blue couch in between my mother and father and we watched those soap operas my mother forced us to watch.
My mind was on Bubby the whole time. Right after supper it was Loadshedding, I had a call with Leonardo and right after that I couldn't take it anymore.
It was too much!
I needed to stop thinking about her for at least a moment.My thoughts of her were loud and vivid.My mind was reaching so many possibilities, exploring so many futures and experiences all revolving around her.
It was slightly overwhelming.
How did Leonardo make falling in love look so easy?!
She was practically a celebrity in my mind!
I had only one solution to my problem.
Tricolosis Bosis.
So I boiled a cup of water in the middle of the night. I made myself coffee, with milk and just the right amount of sugar with a splash of honey.
I was glad that my parents weren't in the kitchen to ask me questions about why and who and with whom.
I made my way up the stairs with piping hot coffee. Getting into the bathroom, I stripped off my pajamas left only in my red boxers.
The cold water gushed out into the Bathtub when I opened it and the chill ran through my bones even though I hadn't even dipped my toes in.
Once the bath was full to the brim, I stared at it with hesitation. The hot coffee mug was on the side of the bathtub.
Before stepping into cold water, there's this thick wall that separates me from making the first move. And I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones, no, my brain because I hadn't stepped into the water yet.
Until I did.
I put my first leg in and then the next, then completely dumped my body into the water and the cold shocked every nerve in my body I screeched, those loud breathy girly sounds that boys make, that girls laugh at.
The water was coooooooooold!
I felt the flush of my cheeks, as I dipped my head into the water, my curly hair turning into a wet mess.
When stepping into cold water, my body stays in this freaking cold shock that I can't remember what my
name is.
Exactly what I wanted.
I laughed so loud into the night I sounded like a maniac. I shivered, my bones quivering but also stiff.
Then, I took hold of the coffee that was still hot. I took a sip and it was close to burning my tongue but not quite there. I gulped a huge portion and it felt like my heart was warm but my bones were freezing.
It was the best worst feeling in the world!
Then there was incessant knocking on the door. "Dominique!" my father's deep voice called, desperate.
"Yes!" I answered, quite hesitantly.
He was supposed to be asleep.
"What are you doing in there? I need to use the bathroom?"
"Uhhh.." I knew he wouldn't be happy about what I was about to say."Tricolosis Bosis."
"Again?! "
My father barged in the door, like he was about to rescue me. He caught me, coffee handed, in cold water.
For a moment he stared at me, incredulously. He didn't know what to do with himself so he settled for a grunted out sigh.
"I'm using the toilet."
"Be my guest."
"I will." He said, like it was a comeback. And then my father peed in front of me.
Nothing awkward about that.
Nothing at all.
When he flushed the toilet I thought he would leave but instead, he closed the toilet lid and took a seat, making himself comfortable.
"Umm privacy."
"That word doesn't exist in my house."
I chuckled. "Care to join me?"
" You can keep your insanity to yourself."
We shared a laugh. When it died down we held each other's gaze for a moment, wordless.
"Why are you doing this? Really."
I looked down at my coffee mug, it wasn't as hot but it was warm, comforting.
"To stop thinking."
My father said nothing, only stared.
"..Sometimes thoughts can be overwhelming. Even the good ones."
"..."
"It feels like an overload, too much to handle and Tricolosis Bosis helps me Dad..."
He said nothing, continuing with his unwavering stare but I could not look past him sitting on the toilet and even though he wasn't pooping-
"Say something, Dad."
He sighed, casting his gaze away for a moment. Thank the heavens for that!
"Sometimes I want to stop thinking too. And when that happens I take those really long naps during the day."
"Yeah mom hates when you do that."
He chuckles. "Or I go for a drive or a walk at night or the early morning. Sometimes I run for long distances until it feels like my lungs have collapsed."
"I'm not sure that's healthy."
"Your mother. Do you know what she does when she doesn't want to think?"
"She shouts at me."
We share a laugh.
"No, she paints. These really beautiful, messy paintings that leave her dirtied but happy and then she comes out of that and cooks up a storm."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"No reason except to say that we've all been there. Being overwhelmed is a sign that something needs to come out..." He gesture a pouring out with his hands.
"Whether that's a shout, or a cry or sometimes a reasonless laugh. It has to come out. What do you need to let out right now..."
He waited, his eyes patient and unwavering.
"I love her." The words felt like they shocked me more than the cold water.
I'd always felt it but never had I said it out loud.
"I love her...alot and it's new and it's fast but at the same time slow because I feel like there's space in my heart for me to love her more..."
"Wow,"my father was gobsmacked, laughter escaping his lips. "And this her, who is she?"
"Bubby."
My father pulled a face at the name. I laughed, loud. "Thandiwe, I meant."
"Oh." He nodded his head, a thoughtful look on his face.
"Does she believe in eating meat?"
"Strongly so."
"Then I approve."
We shared a hearty laugh.
Sharing it with my father felt good. It made me sort of impatient to share it with Leonardo but there was so much going on in his life and I just...
I guess I didn't want to bring good news but I wanted to bring great news. To tell him that she was mine, introduce her to him as taken.
So the next day, I almost walked past her but quickly stopped myself when I saw her by the bleachers. The goal was to tell her everything. Tell that I was Chuckles and that I knew she was Bubby and that I thought about that good thing theory she talked about and I thought it was stupid.
I talked to her, made conversation and my mouth was extremely dry the whole time. I talked faster than I thought and laughed more than needed to. I cracked these bad jokes that made her scrunch her face in that look that said. "Should I laugh now or find this even the tiniest bit funny?"
I said so much but nothing at all because at the end of that conversation she still didn't know that I was Chuckles and that she was my Bubby. She only saw me as some weird grade twelve boy who suddenly decided to start talking to her.
I tried my best to forget about all the embarrassing things I said as I prepared for Karaoke Night with Leonardo, his grandfather and Olivia. I gargled an insane amount of water to prepare my voice and to cure my dry tongue.
Karaoke Night didn't end as planned just like my conversation with Thandiwe didn't go as planned. Even though it was two different situations I felt like Leonardo and I were on the same boat.
I couldn't sleep. I counted sheep, played chess with my father, watched countless YouTube videos but I was restless. My heart was still wide awake.
25 November 2023🥀
I spent the early hours of the morning looking at the calendar with red eyes and eyebags— that I felt. There was not enough time.
Suddenly I wasn't content with the end of Highschool because there were so many loose ends to this whole Bubby and I thing.
I couldn't waste another day, I told myself. I didn't know all the details but the first step was telling her. So I got to school, earlier than I normally would, my tie flying behind my neck as I ran into the field.
I spotted her in the distance, departing from a group of friends with that smile on her face. She walked while I ran but somehow the distance seemed to grow.
Till finally I caught her in one of the schools, many hallways.
"Thandiwe wait!" She turned around, moving her short braids out her eyes. When she looked at me, she paused, a certain look passing over her face.
"Oh..ok.sure.ok." She waited for what I had to say.
I had never met someone in my life who was so easy to read. Some people wore their hearts on their sleeves while Thandiwe wore her mind in her expressions.
Why is this guy talking to me?, her expression conveyed.
From her point of view, I understood how weird this all looked. I was some grade 12 guy who stopped her on her way to school a few days ago and told her she was beautiful. Then I appeared in the library, asking her what song she was listening to. Then I showed up yesterday talking to her in a conversation that left both of us feeling uncomfortable because we clearly didn't know where each of us stood.
It looked bad.
"Hi," I said, dry tongue and all.
"Hey... it's Dominique right?"
"Yes."
An awkward pause.
She cast her gaze away for a moment, a smile tugging on her lips. "You wanted to speak with me..."
I cleared my throat, pleading for my brain to form structured sentences that made sense. I made up my mind that jokes were completely off the table.
"I know who you are?" I sputtered.
She raised her brows, pulling a face that said: Is this guy serious or is it another joke of his that I'm not getting?"
"Yeah. I'm Thandiwe. I told you this."
I laughed, though it was less humourless and more forced. " Sorry, I worded that incorrectly."
"..."
"I'm..." I felt stupid for the words that were about to come out of my mouth. "Thandiwe, I'm Chuckles..."
A pause ensued.
"Oh." She let that sit for a good second. "Oh." She said again, nodding her head slowly.
For a moment it's like she didn't know what to do with herself. Her face that was very easy to read conveyed to me something that I wish I didn't understand.
"Look, exams are about to start and I have to go so..."she let it hang there, no promises uttered. And she turned, walking away in a way that was really close to a run.
She got lost in the small growing crowd that was in the hallway and I stood there for a moment with a sunken heart and a really dry tongue.
❄️❄️❄️
The class seemed to hyper for the mood I was in. My bones were heavy and stiff, my eyes red and everytime I yawned I'd get teary eyed. I sat at the back corner of the class, waiting for the examiner. "It's English, so it shouldn't be that bad." I muttered to myself.
Jabu, a dark skin boy with a broad smile seated in front of me, turned his head towards me.He was too happy for how tired I felt.
"Dominique, what are you smoking?"
Words failed me. I was confused.
He only seemed to smile brighter.
"We're writing Maths today, not English!"
His voice was loud, ringing in my ears. I needed to lay down but the shock jolted my tired heart.
"Mathematics?"
Jabu only laughed, loudly. He looked at the few guys in the tables around us. "Eh, gents. Dominique doesn't know we're writing Mathematics today?"
The guys all elicited different expressions of shock and teasings. Some of them smacking their foreheads in shock.
"What's wrong with this guy?! Making this kind of mistake in grade 12." Jabu continued, his toothy grin flashed.
"You guys think I'm your toy. I know it's English were writing." I looked in the pockets of my blazer, searching for the time table but it was missing.
The boys, including Jabu, all placed their time tables on my desk. "Please, see with your spiritual eyes and tell me that we're not writing Maths again." Jabu said, his gaze steady on my reaction.
I looked down, flipping through all the time tables and each and every one of them said that we were writing Mathematics.
"I'm fried meat," I whispered to myself, my heart raced with every passing second.
The boys all bursted out laughing, Jabu seeming the loudest. "This guy!" They teased me but all I could think was....
I freaking hate Mathematics and the troubles it's caused me.
Jabu reached to touch my shoulder with his hand, squeezing in reassurance. " It'll be hard before it gets good, my guy."
I felt like punching him but instead I nodded. Jabu snickered, staring at my face like I was the most entertaining thing since television.
But eventually he turned around and his friends around me left me alone. My heart raced continually with the added stress but it only seemed to make me more tired. I felt the little bit of energy I had left drain with every passing second.
"Okay I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second." I said to myself, folding my arms on the table, laying my head and slowly but surely falling asleep.
The racing in my heart persisted and I wondered how the heck I could make such a mistake.
The exhaustion took it's toll on me.
The class's noise all blurred into a million voices fading out into nothing.
"Thembi's new boyfriend is-"
"Nah, man I'm just ready to get out of this scho-"
"It's easy to talk to girls. At this age you're still struggl-"
"My mother won't allow me to -"
"You think Dominique's gonna fall for our little pra-"
❄️❄️❄️
Jabu shook me awake, I woke up groggy,grumpy and more tired than I was before. How was that possible?
"The examiner's here Dominique. Vuka! (Wake up)."
I nodded, still trying to get my thoughts together. I wiped the sleep from my eyes. Jabu looked at me wearily, there was no hint of a smile on his face.
"You okay?"
"Yah, yah. " I nodded, more than needed. "-just eeyore from Winnie the pooh tired."
" Well get un-tired.We're writing."
I looked at him with a look that said it all. "Thanks Jabu, I should've thought of that."
He turned around, and the examiner started addressing the whole class.
Then I remembered Mathematics.
I was freaking out, it felt like there was a tiny version of myself running around in my brain with no idea what to do.
"Jabu," I whispered.
"Shhhh."
How dare he shush me, I thought to myself.
"Jabu, can I please borrow a calculator? Or do you miraculously have another one."
Jubu turned his head at this one, looking absolutely baffled. "My guy, you still think we're w-"
"It's an exam not group work!!" The examiner's piercing voice caught our attention, making the whole class turn our way.
My face flushed, Jabu turned back around. When she started handing out the papers my heart would not relent in its tireless panicking. The silence in the class, and everyone's solemn faces only seemed to make the situation even more intense.
I looked to Leonardo, who was right in front,a good distance away from Olivia but sort of close.
He had this confident look on his face, his movements the expression of ease as he stared at his paper. Mine hadn't arrived yet.
It was during times like these, when I would think of the craziest prayers. Something like:
Dear God,
If only you could switch my brain with Leonardo's brain just this once. Just so I can pass the exam. Or at least when he's done because he always finishes first, please switch our brains then so that the both of us could pass.
But there would be no switching of brains. The examiner walked by me, placing the paper on my desk. I couldn't even look at it, my eyes were tightly shut but that almost made me fall asleep.
I forced my eyes open, ready to face Mathematics with the little bit of courage I had left.
When my eyes landed on the paper, I decided to write my name and surname first. Who knows?
I know it was crazy but a small percentage of students out there in the world and I hoped that at least we'd get a mark for putting our name on it.
"You may begin." The examiner uttered, making my heart sink.
I flipped the exam paper and was ultimately shocked by what I witnessed. "Heh? Comprehension in Mathematics?!" I whispered to myself but it wasn't soft enough because a second later -
"Mr Van Der Merwe! Do I have to remind you that this is an examination?" The Examiner's gaze could have made me melt into a puddle.
I shrunk into my seat, praying under the breaths of my breath. If only angels could write my exam for me. That would be cool, right God?
I received silence.
Maybe God didn't think it was that cool.
I turned the page back still in shock that a comprehension was in a Mathematics exam.
English paper 3, the paper read.
What in the-
Then it hit me like a stack of bricks. It was the Sleep Deprivation.
I hadn't slept well for days. Unless you count the few naps I took and the closing of my eyes for a few seconds. I read somewhere on the internet that it actually messed with your brain. Made it shrink or something...
That it was unhealthy.
That-
The consequences were dire and it was clear that it was even messing with my thoughts, reading skills and understanding of Maths.
It's like I was writing a Mirage exam so even though it looked like English it was a Maths.
I had to remind myself.
I needed to push through and write. I turned the page.
Busi and the animal shelter, the comprehension read.
"Got it, " I said to myself. I would need to make sure I count all the animals in the animal shelter.
My eyes closed on their own accord, the weight of the sleep, heavy. I slapped my cheeks lightly. "Come on Dominique," I said to myself.
"-You can do this." The heaviness of sleep almost overwhelmed me but I slapped myself awake again.
I could do this, or at least that's what I thought.
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
I haven't slept for three days, besides taking a few heartbreaking naps. Heartbreaking because I had to get up. Emphasis on the HAD.
This week, has been overwhelming.
I wrote this a few weeks ago but it's funny how Dominique's exhaustion is sort of relatable to me now.
To anyone that's exhausted, mentally, emotionally, physically, this is for you:
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28
Jesus knows how tired we are, he's waiting on us to come to him. I don't know about you but today I'm putting a pause on everything and coming to Jesus, even if it's just to say - "Hi God, it's been awhile."
💕Please 💕
Vote🌟
And
Comment 🌬️
Thank you for continuing to read my story!☺️