It was the second Friday since we started it all and while the two of us talked, still trying to get used to not seeing each other and not mentioning our own names we realized how hard it was.
I mean what was I supposed to call her? Girl?
And what was she supposed to call me? Boy?
"Should we give each other nicknames?" I suggested and I was greeted with her silence.
"Sure.ok.Sure."
I smiled. "Uhmm what about..." I proceeded to list off ridiculous nicknames and each time she'd disagree to it, something like breathy laughter touching her words.
I was beginning to realize that her laugh wasn't audible at all, at the very least it sounded more like a breath.
We spent our time together figuring out what to call the other.
"I think I have one for you," she said, catching me off guard.
I waited, intrigued.
"Chuckles." She said, and I could hear the smile in her tone.
"Chuckles?" I laughed and it only seemed to further prove her point.
"You laugh...quite a lot."
"It burns fat, so it's basically an exercise."
A silence ensued. I wished that I could hear her laugh, it felt like a pleasure denied.I wished, for a moment that I
could see her laugh.
"I'll call you Bubby." I finally decided.
"..Bubby?"
"Yeah.Bubby." It felt weirdly right.
"What does that mean?"
I laughed. "I don't know. It just sounds nice."
"It sounds nice?" She repeated for some reason.
"Yeah... Maybe you could give meaning to the meaningless word."
"Ok. Chuckles." She tested out the nickname she gave me.
And I laughed, content.
One of the Tuesdays 🥀
"-Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?"
"That's not weird at all." I remarked, laughing.
"I don't even..." Bubby hesitated,"take calls.If you call I drop the phone and ask you what you want on WhatsApp."
"You're not cruel at all Bubby,"
I imagined her laughing in the silence.
"And you?"
"Never. And I feel like no one should do that, you can't plan perfection or at least that's what my mother always says...Just pick up the call, speak and at the end of that, they'll be some calls you hate or wish you didn't have but then they'll be those one that leave you smiling and you wouldn't change a thing..."
"..."
"In my opinion, that's perfection. Not when you're looking for faults and don't find any but when you find something or someone and you wouldn't change a thing...."
"Wow."
"Yeah, so pick up the phone Bubby. You're missing out on those perfect calls."
One of the Fridays 🥀
"-When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?"
"I sang this morning in the shower." I told her."To someone else, also today. A friend of mine was talking about how he hated the happy birthday song so I just had to sing it for him."
"..."
"What about you?"
"I sing, Chuckles," She paused.
"-everyday.I have a baby brother and he's still six months old. He's the cutest thing.He-" she exhales.
"I sing him lullabies and he goes straight to sleep."
"Could I hear one?"
"No!"she practically yelled.
I laughed. "Come on, just one line."
"No. It's for my baby brother and only him."
One of the Tuesdays🥀
"Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?"
"Flying a kite,"she answered immediately. "I've always wanted to fly one but I don't have the money. Everywhere I look it's crazy expensive."
"Yeah and would you really want to waste money on something that has a ninety nine percent chance of flying away."
"No, but still. It would be fun.You?"
"...There's this reality T.V show called Survivor. You're in the wild or an island and you have to–"
"I know what show you're talking about.Chuckles, you do not want to be a contestant on survivor."
I laughed. "I do. It's a little dream of mine."
"A dream of death."
"Come on, Bubby," I defended myself. "What's life without a little bit of adventure."
"Safe."
I laughed.
"You have to be eighteen and the money is expensive to join but oneday..."
"Oneday." She repeated, "I like that about dreams. The fact that they can feel so close yet so distant but also at the same time made real with one word. Oneday."
She spoke like a poet sometimes, like she thought deeply about everything.
I thought that, that was perfection.
"I like that too. Oneday..."
One of the Fridays 🥀
"How do you feel about your relationship with your mother Bubby?"
"It's crazy to even say it loud Chuckles but she's just like me." I could hear the happiness in her voice and I loved the sound of it.
"-In almost every way and I feel like that makes it easier to understand each other but sometimes we clash in the worst ways."
"..."
"Despite all that I always feel...at home with her. I know you might be thinking of course, she's your mother but...there's a sense of belonging that I have with her and...yeah." She concluded her endless thoughts.
It was my turn to be quiet.
A sense of belonging.
"Chuckles?" She called out, uncertain if I was still there.
"I'm here Bubby. Just thinking."
"Of? If you don't mind me asking."she quickly added.
"What you said. A sense of belonging. I think that you could feel that with others aswell."
"I...think so."
More silence.
"I guess it's my turn," I said, clearing my throat.
"..."
"I love my relationship with my mother Bubby and I love her..." I felt how much I was smiling as I spoke.
"She taught me how to choose joy. And I'm using my words carefully when I say choose because it isn't always easy but she'd...she'd always be the one to smile in the toughest of times and I think my father drew from that strength. I think that as I grow I'm drawing from that strength. Joy."
One of the Tuesdays 🥀
"Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share.."
"My joy. I wish I could share my joy with someone."
"...You seem like a funny guy. I'm sure you make people laugh."
"I guess. It's just that you give and you give and people take every time. They stay for a good laugh but they never..."
" They never what, Chuckles?"
"They never question if the smile on your face is real, if the laughter is full or empty."
"...I'm sorry."
"Don't be," I laughed but it was empty and I knew that she could tell. "Sorry Bubby for making things dark. I ruined the whole mood."
"No Chuckles, don't apologize. Please never apologize for being honest. It's okay to have parts of yourself that you feel are never paid attention to or to want to be...known.It just means there are many layers to you."
I laughed. "So now I'm an onion?"
I didn't hear it but I imagined her smile and if I closed my eyes and pictured hard enough I could almost see it.
I think that I could almost picture her as insane as that sounded.
"Anything else you want to add?" She asked in a beckoning kind of way.
And through my silence she was patient.
"No-well yes! Maybe one thing."
"I'm all ears."
"It's dumb but-"
"-it's not dumb."she cut me off.
I chuckled. "It feels like all my life I've been smiling at everyone and I'm waiting... waiting for someone to smile back at me."
"..."
"You see I told you it was dumb."
"It's not dumb Chuckles."
Despite her words, my cheeks flushed. I could almost feel how red I looked. I thanked the Lord for the door that divided us for the first time.
"Chuckles?"she called out to me, softly.
"Yes."
"Even though...you can't see it. I'm smiling at you, for you, right now."
I became weirdly aware of the rhythm of my heart.
"I'm smiling at you right now too, Bubby."
And I was, and it was big and it was sort of face hurting but it was the warmth in my heart that made the smile all the more sweeter.
"What about you? What would you like to share?"
"My thoughts."
"..."
"Sometimes I think things. Weird things, funny things, bad things, good things, impossible things. So many...things." She exhaled.
" That's a lot of things." I remarked, laughing.
"It is, and sometimes I wish I could talk to someone.Confide in them about the entanglement of thoughts that is my mind. You know, to not feel alone all the time."
"I know."
"..."
"Weirdest thought you ever had," I suddenly said, "Go!"
"What?" She sputtered.
"Don't overthink it Bubby."
"Ok.sure.ok...there was this one time,"she laughed in that breathy way. "—in class a teacher was lecturing and I just imagined she got down on all fours and started licking the floor."
After a pregnant pause, laughter bursted out of me, short but full.
The last Friday, 30 June 2023🥀
It was the last day, I couldn't believe it. I tried to deny it but as I stepped into classroom 15A I couldn't even hide it from Mr Milano.
It was clear as day that I wasn't taking the last day well.
Mr Milano said some things to me before he left but we both knew I wasn't listening. My head was in the clouds and I didn't mean that in a dreamy sense.
I didn't want to face reality so much that I disengaged from everything.
Mr Milano left, the door slamming shut behind him and like always for the past few months, I was greeted by that silence.
And like always, I knew that she was right on the other side of the door waiting for me to say the first word.
I made myself comfortable by the door of the store room, my head leaning on it.
I couldn't start the conversation. I couldn't say anything to Bubby.
I just....couldn't.
"This is the end Dominique,"she whispered from the other side of the door. Her voice had always been soft and feathery but there was a tenderness almost breaking to how she spoke.
Not to mention, she was the one to break the silence!
I laughed, running my hands through the curls of my hair although I found nothing funny about the situation.
There's always this excitement like adrenaline coursing through the veins of every scientist when they experiment something. It's new and thrilling with a million theories and possibilities and then there's the discovery...
The discovery that's sometimes disappointing, spiraling into a deep depression or it's sometimes everything hoped for bursting with a satisfying high.
I was conflicted.
I was frustrated with the end of this experiment.
"I want to know what you look like." I confessed what I had told her a number of times and like each time she'd answer with her silence.
All I had been given through the months was the sound of her soft voice, her quiet laughter that was barely audible and those sweets exhales she'd sometimes take.
I felt like a maniac.
I felt insane with a side of -'he needs help.'
Why did I agree to do this again?
"You know I don't want that. That's not what we agreed to.
"Forget what we agreed upon, Bubby." I stood up, a wave of courage washing over me and I tried to open the door.
It was locked!
"Are you trying to open the door?!" She sounded mad.
"No."
"I saw the handle twisting Chuckles. This is so not groovy."
Groovy was a term we used to say that something was really cool or nice or anything good.
"Fine," I sighed, frustrated. I sat back down on the floor, like a child who'd been denied going out to play.
"The last question?" She asked and it's like the anger she had from before, dissipated.
With a heavy heart, I agreed. "The last question, Bubby."
"Share..a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect on how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen?"
"..."
"Chuckles, what's up with you?" She was exasperated, sounding almost as frustrated as I was about the end of it all...
"I'll go first,"she continued. "Let's see...a problem. I don't think I have one at the moment."
"..."
"Chuckles."
"..."
"Chuckles say something."
"I have a problem." I finally spoke. "It's kept me up at night, especially last night. I can't really tell a friend of mine about it yet and I'm...I don't know."
"I'm listening."
"A few months ago, particularly in the month of February. I agreed to something crazy."
I knew that she knew where this was going.
"Go on..."she breathed.
"I agreed to go on this experiment. and the condition was that the girl I was doing the whole thing with would always remain anonymous.It's ludicrous how I agreed to it because I don't even like watching mystery's but somehow I made my life one." I laughed but it wasn't funny.
"..."
"Any advice?"
She exhaled."I don't know what to tell you except...maybe some good things have to remain in one place or time frame or moment because...if you take them with you everywhere they stop being...good."
I tried to let that sink in.
"...But if you leave that good thing in that place, that moment, that time frame. It will always remain good. Chuckles... I don't know what to call this, what we've done here. What we've experienced but I know that I always want it to remain good."
Her words faded into the back of my mind. I felt myself already saying goodbye to her from how unengaged I was with everything.
"You seem...to not be taking this too well Chuckles."
I laughed but once again there was no humour to it at all. It was empty and painful and dry.
I had no words left for her. I wanted to leave the classroom. I was also mad that she could let something like this go.
Whatever this was.
I was about to leave. Leave her in my silence and I know that it was a cruel thing but...
Can my anger just be justified for a moment?
I was about to leave when I remembered the beginning of it all. I had to know her conclusion, even though I already knew mine.
"Bubby?"
"Yes,"she breathed.
"What's your theory on love?What's the conclusion to it all."
A pause ensued.
"...The hypothesis was that love is a heart thing,"she spoke like she was reading it out, then a pause ensued.
"The conclusion is that love.."she breathed through her words, delicate. "Love is a soul thing."
Her words were everything I needed to run out of the classroom like a mad man. I knew exactly where I was going. All around the hallway so I could get to the other side and be at the opening of the storeroom.
I had to see her.
I had to see Bubby.
I pushed past everyone who got in my way, I stumbled but kept running, until I was breathless with a racing heart that would not relent until—
I got to the door, and the door was left wide open like someone had left in a hurry. There were so many students passing by that I couldn't tell who from who and every face was just lost in a small crowd.
I got into the storeroom and the keys were on the floor, but what caught my attention was a torn piece of paper on the floor.
It looked to be scribbled in a hurry but still neat. I closed myself in the storeroom, sitting where Bubby had once sat and I read the small note over and over again.
I want to remain, your good thing. Always.
–Bubby.
I felt myself falling.
I fell in love
I fell.
I fell but she never promised to catch me. She never promised to fall with me.She only ever promised an end.
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
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