❗️Triggers: Anxiety and Bullying
Nick's POV
When I got back to my flat, all my mates were there. They were playing drinking games and pregaming before going to the bars with the team.
"Nick, mate!" Otis shuffles over to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders when I come up from the laundry room that's in the basement. I laugh at how drunk they are. "How is it?" I ask, placing my arm around his shoulder. "Do you and Charlie want to come out with us?" Christian asks. A small anger rises in me, not from my mates but from thinking of seeing Harry and the others.
"Charlie has to practice for his band and I have to do my rugby clothes. Maybe we can all meet up next weekend for Halloween?" I suggest, a smile on my face. The guys get all excited and start asking about the squad. Even though they are wasted, and probably wont remember this conversation, it is really nice to talk about Charlie and my friends. It's nice to feel like the four of us are getting closer.
"We are heading out, want to make breakfast in the morning when we get back?" Sai asks, he the most "sober" out of all of them. "If you guys wake up before 10, sure." I laugh and nudge his shoulders. He bats my shoulder and grabs Christian and Otis by the arm, leading them through the corridor and out the door. I wrap my arms around biceps, hugging myself. I smile to myself before I reach into my phone to text Charlie the rest of the night.
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The guys did not get home until five in the morning so they were, in fact, not up at 10. More like 14:00. So I made them breakfast for when they got up. I decided to go on a small run which turned into a seven mile run. I was just lost in thought about tomorrow. I just have a pit in my stomach since I woke up and I couldn't shake it. I don't know if I miss Charlie even though I just saw him yesterday or if it's something else. I also have been talking to him all morning, so... really what is making me so anxious.
Maybe I can go see him after band? I think I can really use a Charlie hug.
I just finished my homework when Charlie texts me saying he finished band practice and is going over to Tori's for dinner. So no Charlie hugs tonight and no squad movie night.
I spend the night with my mates and we watch two movies and play a card game that Christian made up. Hanging out with them kind of distracted me from the feelings that are stirring in me. Eventually we all decide to head to bed. I text Charlie, but he doesn't really respond that quickly like he normally does. I know he's with his sister, but I am just nervous that it's more than that.
What if I pushed him too much and he's now just realizing it... What if he is avoiding me...
I feel my heartbeat rise and I my palms get sweaty, like when I had those panic attacks. I wrap my hands around my biceps and trace small circles on my skin. I calm down enough to finally lay in my bed, wrapping my blanket around me tightly. I message Charlie telling him I am going to bed and I will see him tomorrow for our class together. I wait about an hour and I don't hear back from him. I try to push my thoughts to the back of my mind as I fall asleep.
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I wake up Monday morning after sleeping on and off the whole night. I woke up in a cold sweat and shaking. I think I had a nightmare but I don't remember what it was about. I put all my things together for class and rugby practice and bring them to the kitchen. I make some breakfast and tea while I wait for the guys to wake up. I check my phone, no messages from Charlie...
"Is this for us?" Otis asks, pointing at a giant plate of pancakes. I nod my head. "There is hot water in the kettle if you want tea." I say, pointing at the counter. A few minutes later Christina and Sai come out to the kitchen. They sit down and shovel the food in their mouths. "Ready to go?" I ask everyone when I place the dishes in the dishwasher. They all sling their bags over their shoulders before we walk to my car.
I get to my Psych 201 and message Charlie again. He should be in his creative writing class now. I know he takes his classes seriously so he doesn't check his phone that often until we are at lunch, but I haven't heard from him in so long. I put my phone away when the professor comes in. He rambles for a few minutes before coming around to drop a pop quiz in front of us. This pop quiz is the size of an exam so it takes me the whole class to finish.
I half jog to class and when I walk through the door, Charlie is sitting at our normal table. He smiles at me when I walk in through the door. I quickly take my seat, dropping my bag on the floor next to me. He is about to say something but I tightly wrap my arms around under his arms, my hands placed shakily on his shoulder blades. "Nick what's wrong?" He whispers in my ear. I feel myself shake and I take a deep breath before letting go. "I thought I did something wrong. You weren't messaging me back at all later at night." I say quickly. He takes my one hand in his and takes his phone from his pocket.
He starts scrolling and tapping while he talks. "I went over to Tori's and we drank a few too many vodka lemonades and we did a paint and sip thing." He turns his phone and I see pictures of him and her, their faces covered with paint. I take his phone and scroll through the pictures. There are so many that Michael must have taken too of them throwing paint in the kitchen. The las picture they are so many colors all over the clothes and their faces are so flushed from drinking. I can't help but laugh. I hand him his phone back.
"How many drink did you have?" I ask, grinning. He blushes before answering. "I lost count after 6 and 3 shots." I squeeze his hand and smile at him. "I am glad you had fun, Char." I whisper. He brushes his thumb over my knuckles. "I'm sorry I didn't message you back. I should have but I was covered in paint and like drunk. I'm surprised I'm not hungover since I don't drink, like ever." He laughs. I smile at him as some nerves leave my body. Just knowing he's okay makes me feel better.
The class goes by quickly. Charlie and I kept writing notes in his notebook, giggling under our breath so the professor does not hear. "Alright everyone. We have a meeting next Monday night with all the students going on this trip. We will be picking rooms and giving you a packet for the itinerary. Since the trip is in just a little over a month. So it is mandatory. See you on Wednesday where we will be discussing the architecture of France."
We all stand up and I slip my hand back into Charlie's hand. "Lunch?" Elle asks our group as she holds her phone in her hand, about to text the group chat. Everyone agrees and we head to the Chat. When we get there, Isaac is already at a table with Tara and Darcy. Charlie grabs a fruit cup and a small sandwich and heads back to the table while I wait for my food to be cooked on the grill. A few minutes later I am walk back to the table and take a seat next to Charlie, whose hands are wrapped around his elbows tightly. He see he ate his whole fruit cup and some of his sandwich. I kiss his cheek before I take his hand and place it on my thigh for him to hold instead. He squeezes softly and I turn to look at him. "Thank you." He mouths silently to me. I smile and start to eat my food while everyone is talking.
I look at my phone and see it's 14:30 and I feel my heartbeat rising slowly. "I have rugby in a bit. I will catch up with you guys later?" I ask the group, my voice cracking a little. Charlie looks at me and I kiss his cheek quickly before standing up. "I'll let you know when I'm done." I whisper to Charlie who gives me a worried, soft smile. I squeeze my hands tightly into fists as I walk down to the weight room for weight lifting practice. I head into the changing room to switch into my rugby-workout clothes.
I go into the weight room and go to the open area to do some stretches while I wait for the rest of team to show up. About 15 minutes later, almost everyone is there besides Harry and his little goons that always repeats whatever he says. These two guys never play, they kind of just ride the bench and they have been since we were at Truham. The strength coach comes in and talks through the workout with us and right when we start the first block of exercises, Harry comes in. I try to ignore them as I get my workout in but they are loud and obnoxious so it's difficult.
"Nick, mate! Why are you hurrying through the workout? Need to save your strength for your boyfriend?" Smarminess in full force when mentioning Charlie. I close my eyes and put my dumbbells down. "Harry just shut up." I mumble under my breath. I lift my dumbbells up again and do another round. "You ignoring me now, Nicholas?" Harry says, right in front of my bench. "I am just trying to get my lift in." I say flatly. I hold the weights in my hand and try to step around Harry to re-rack them, but he moves right in my way.
"You could have told us you were gay Nick? It makes sense, you were always trying to look at us when we were at Truham." The one guy, Connor, says from behind my back as he walks in front of me and stands next to Harry. "It's none of your business so leave it alone." I say, trying to bite my tongue. "What you don't to walk about your boyfriend? What his name?" The other guys, Zayne, asks ask he comes up next to Harry and Connor. "Ben said his name was Charlie." Harry said, staring into my eyes. "Do not talk about him." I say, anger rising in my voice.
My hands start shaking slightly with this conversation. "I heard he's desperate and needy? That true?" Harry asks, stepping right in front of my face now. He's a little taller than me so he is towering over me as stands in my personal space. My breathing starts to quicken and my heart races. This is what I have been nervous about all day and night. Interacting with Harry...
"You have no reason to be involved in my life Harry so knock the shit off." I say, turning around away from them. "I thought we were mates?" Harry says, placing his hands on my shoulders. I quickly turn around and push him off me. "Do not touch me." I spit at him. "I am not your friend Harry. You are such a homophobe and I don't think we will ever be more than teammates." I add and walk towards the changing room. "Well we don't want a f*g as Captain."
I stop dead in my tracks, the breath being taken right from my lungs. I feel like a bullet went right through my chest. It's harder to breathe but I turn around slowly to face them. When I am about to say something, I feel a breeze come from behind me. I look to my right and left to see Otis, Christina and Sai standing tall next to me.
"Nick has been and is the best Captain I have ever seen." Otis says, crossing his arms across his chest.
"There is a reason that this team voted him Captain over you Harry and that's because he cares about his team unlike you." Christian says next.
"He is still Nick Nelson, the Rugby King. Nothing will change that." Sai emphasizes.
Harry just stands there, wrapping his arms around his chest tightly. He keeps opening his mouth to say something but instead just air comes out. "Don't talk about Nick's boyfriend ever again. You have no right to be talking about Nick's life." Otis says, stepping in front of Harry, Connor and Zayne. Harry looks from Connor and Zayne before stepping back a few steps. "I'm not homophonic." Harry says sternly.
"YES YOU ARE!" The entire team behind me says in unison. I turn around, startled, to see everyone in a line behind us. Standing with me. Harry looks taken shaken up and starts to walk towards me. Instead of saying anything, he body checks my shoulder to get me out of the way. The three of them storm out of the weight room and the team comes up to me, patting my shoulder over and over.
The team besides my mates walk out of the weight room and towards the exit of the building to head to actual rugby practice. I look at the guys and take a deep breath. "Thank you guys." I whisper, my voice cracking. "You're not just our teammate or Captain. You're our mate, Nick. We will always have your back." Sai says. I look at the guys and drag them each into a tight hug. I try to hold back my tears when I let go. "Ready for actual practice?" Christian asks, placing a hand on my shoulder and shaking slightly. I laugh before I start jogging out of the weight room and towards the fields.