❗️Triggers: Eating Disorder, Self-Harm
Charlie's POV
Nick wakes up around 16:30 and groggily turns in my grip to face. With him turning, he presses into my cuts and I try to hold back the groan that wants to come from my lips. "Char I am-" I cut him off. "No apologizing, it's fine. I'm fine." I say, still holding onto him. He slowly smiles at me before pressing his face into my chest. I close my eyes and rest my cheek on the top of his head, we savor the moment together before we are interrupted by Nick's stomach growling. We both laugh and he looks up at me, bringing his hand to rest against my cheek.
"I am going to have to go back to my flat tonight..." He pauses for a moment. "Do you want to get something to eat together and then I can take you back here?" I feel a hot sensation pass through my body and my stomach turns with anxiety. The same anxiety I feel during a bad day when I can't pull myself to eat because I don't think I deserve it or everything fell out of my control.
Today with Tori, you made her feel like you don't care about her... You have been avoiding her and only thinking about yourself. Get control of this now.
"Charlie?" Nick asks, his thumb brushing across my cheekbone. "What is it?" I just shake my head. "I think I might just eat with Tao and Isaac when they get home." I lie. Nick just looks at me before he slowly shakes his head. "Yeah," he clears his throat, letting go of my cheek before adding "Uhm, okay. I can pick something up for you guys if you want and drop it off?" He's pushing...
"Nick I said no. I'll eat with them when they get back." I stay sternly, probably a little too forcefully. "Char, you haven't eaten since this-" He tries to say but an anger rising in me that I can't fight. "Nick, I said I'm not eating! Can you just drop it already and just forget about me for the night?" My voice raising with each word I say. He physically flinches after I finish. "I just am worried-"
"Nick maybe I don't deserve to have you care! All I do is cause problems for everyone. I can't eat right now so stop forcing me." I am shouting now. "Everything has just been so out of control and I can't handle it, alright? I can't deal with this all the time like it feels like I am since I got to Leed's!"
I see tears welling up in his eyes. "I didn't-" He chokes on his words and takes a deep breath before he stands up from my bed. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."
My hands move to the crooks of my elbows and I look at my bed. Way to go... Can't get any control can you? "I-I- I a-am..." I can't even say anything, I am speechless with what I said to him. I press my fingernail into my skin through the fabric of my shirt. Nick comes to the bed and wraps his arms around me, tightly. I move my arms to rest them on his lower back. We stay there for a few moments, tears escaping down my cheeks and only his jumper. When he pulls back, he has tears streaming down his cheek.
"Nick, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to snap." I whisper, trying to not look into his eyes. My heart aching with how I just treated him. "I shouldn't have pushed you." He says, his finger lifting my chin so I am looking right into his beautiful brown eyes. "I just..." He trails off, holding back something. "Nick, you can tell me." I say. I move my hands to his biceps. He kneels down in front of the bed in front of me, he rests his hands on my knees. "I just want to know how you're feeling. Sometimes I think you're happy but... are you happy with me?" He asks and my heart aches with his question.
"Nick," I place my hands on both sides of his face. "You make me so happy. I am my happiest when I am just next to you. I love spending time with you. I don't want you to think that... I don't ever want you to think that you don't make me happy or that something is your fault. Because that's not true at all." He looks up at me, placing his hand over my right hand. "Then why can't you tell me when you are overwhelmed or when..." He pauses to take my hands in his, looking at my arms. "When you feel like you need to hurt yourself? Why can't you tell me when you are too anxious to eat or when you are having a bad day?"
I just look at him for a long time, not sure how to respond. "I know I only met you a few months but..." He takes a deep breath and smiles at me. "I feel like I have known you my whole life." I blink the tears out of my eyes. "Nick..." I trail off, unable to find the right words. "You are my favorite person. I love being around you. I just want to make you feel wanted. I want to know when you're having a bad day and maybe I can help or just try to help." He brushes a curl from my forehead. "I don't want to make you upset or bring you down or..." I shake my head and stop myself. "Char, tell me." I close my eyes and continue. "I don't want you to hate me when I am having a bad day or I have an urge or if I can't bring myself to eat. I don't want to argue when I am like this because I..." I trail off but it's like he can read my mind. "You feel like you can't control what you are saying." I nod my head.
I wraps his arms under my shoulders as he stands up and places his hands on my lower back and thigh as he holds me in his arms. He turns around to sit on the edge of the bed, my legs straddle his hips and I slip my hands around his neck. I run my right hand through the back of his hair which causes him to close his eyes and smile. "I will work on it, I promise." I say truthfully. He opens his eyes, his smile growing and growing. "Is it okay for me to ask you if you're doing okay or if you have an urge or if you have eaten today?" He asks, his tone cheerful. "Yeah, okay." I say after a moment. I give him a small smile.
His stomach growls again and we both giggle. "You should go get something to eat and see your flatmates. I have to practice a little more and do some homework." I say, brushing his hair from his forehead. "I have to do my rugby clothes for the week and probably some homework too." He says, wrapping his arms tighter around me, his hands slipping up my back. "Nick." I giggle. He wraps his hands around my hips before standing up with me still in his arms. He buries his face in the crook of my neck. "I'm going." He breathes into my neck which gives me goosebumps. He places me on the ground softly.
I look up at him and I think we both get lost in each other's eyes for a few moments, to be broken up by the front door opening. We don't immediately move from each other's grip when they call our names. I stand on my toes and kiss his cheek softly. "I am going, I am going." He chuckles as we head to the common room, running into Tao and Isaac carrying grocery bags in their hands.
"Hi guys." He says, waving slightly. "Do you need any help?" He adds. They shake their head. "Thanks Nick, this was all of it. Are you going to stay for dinner?" Isaac asks, a goofy face on as he looks from Nick to me. I smile and roll my eyes, giggling a little. "Nah, I have laundry I need to do. Plus, I haven't seen my flatmates in a bit. Maybe I will see you guys tomorrow?" He asks as he heads to through the kitchen to the front door. "Yeah, maybe we can have a movie night with everyone? I was telling Elle we could do something with the group."
Nick smiles and nods his head before opening the front door. I stand on the other side while we walks under the door frame before he turns around to look at me. "Call me if you need me, okay?" He says before kissing my lips softly. When we pull apart, I give him a small smile. "Okay, text me when you get home." I say. He smiles at me one time before he slowly walks out of view.
I come back inside and help Isaac and Tao put groceries away. "What were you planning on making for dinner?" I ask. "We were thinking of some burgers and chips?" Tao asks, wiggling his eye brows which causes me to laugh. "I might have some chips but I can help too on one condition." I say pointing from him to Isaac. Isaac knows exactly where I am going with this and claps his hands enthusiastically. "What is it?" He grunts. "You have to tell us what's happening between you and Elle." I say, widening my eyes and giving him a very big smile. He squints his eyes as he looks at Isaac and I. "Fine." He says, laughing a little.
We go up to him and wrap our arms around him together, Isaac and I leading us in a group spin. "Finally, I have been dying to know!" Isaac says and adds, "I wanted to ask you this whole day, you do not understand." We all laugh together.
While we start cooking...Tao goes on about how him and Elle almost kissed a few times now, but they haven't gotten that far. They are constantly holding hands when they are together and they are texting nonstop. Also, apparently they are going on their first date the Friday before Halloween and he actually had to cancel our reservation at that restaurant his and Isaac's family went to for Parent's Weekend so he can go somewhere else that him and Elle have been dying to go to. Seeing him talk about Elle in this kind of way makes Isaac and I glow with happiness.
"So after your band practice, we can invite the squad over?" Isaac asks me. "Hell yes!" I say enthusiastically which makes Tao and him jump in excitement.
This is very different than when we were at Truham. We didn't have friends besides the three of us so this is really exciting for all of us. It's nice being a group and not just a trio.
Instagram:
Nick: I just got home. My flatmates said that they need to properly meet you at some point if you are down?
I contemplate for a second what I want to send, deleting and typing over and over until I click send with the final message.
Charlie: I would like to meet your flatmates, whenever you want ❤️
Nick: Great. I would really like you to meet them ❤️
My heart skips a beat. It's just an emoji but it just makes my heart swoon.
When we finish cooking, we sit down at the table together. They have two big burgers and a load of chips. I look at their plate and try to push my anxiety out of my head before looking at my plate. I have a handful or two of chips on my plate and I try to eat them as best as I can while we all talk. When we finish I offer to clean the dishes and they happily let me.
While I clean the dishes and the kitchen, I text Nick and we talk nonstop for the rest of the night. I fall asleep, smiling, while I think about my friends and my amazing boyfriend.