12.
Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound
(Citizen Soldier-I'm Not Okay)
Darkness. She was surrounded by darkness. The smell of the sea pervaded her nostrils and the warm breeze lightly caressed her face, with gentleness. All of a sudden, she felt two hands roam on her back and grab her by the arms, violently. All the gentleness she had experience before was gone, all she could feel now was pain and terror, nothing else. She tried to wriggle herself free, to run away, but she couldn't. She opened her mouth to scream, but nothing came out of her throat, not even the tiniest sound. Then, the salty taste of the sea was on her tongue. She was drowning. And no one would have been able to save her.
Carina's eyes snapped open and she gasped for air. She sat up and took deep breaths, to calm herself down. A nightmare, that had been just a nightmare. She shook her head. No, that wasn't just a nightmare, she was aware of that. It had been two days since Keira had been admitted to the hospital and she had operated on her and since then she hadn't felt herself anymore. Old memories kept invading her mind and Carina didn't know what to do. After her breakdown in the scrub room, Meredith had forced her to immediately email her therapist and the two had talked by the phone. It had helped her a little, but it wasn't enough. She hadn't felt in such a way for so long and all she wanted was shake that horrible sensation of dirtiness off herself.
"Hey." she heard Maya muttering, concern in her voice. "What's wrong?". Carina shrugged, her back turned on her wife. "Nightmare?". The Italian nodded, without saying anything. She could still sense the taste of the seawater in her mouth.
"It was just a dream, Carina. You're safe here." Maya tried to reassure her. However, when she felt her wife's arms wrap her waist, the doctor jerked and jumped off the bed, abruptly. Maya was worried. Not even when Andrea had died she had refused a hug from her in such a bad way.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing, I'm fine." Carina answered. "I just had a bad dream, nothing serious. I need some space, nothing else.". Maya didn't buy it, at all. It was obvious that something was wrong. Yes, undoubtedly Carina was worried about Keira, that was a matter of fact. The girl hadn't woken up already, what she had gone through was horrible and finding her on the OR-table must have been traumatic for her wife. But there was something more, something that Maya couldn't really figure out. Something that she was starting to find really scary.
"Do you want me to prepare you a chamomile? Maybe it can help you..."
"I don't want anything, Maya!". The firefighter froze, shocked. Carina had never snapped that way, not even when she had found out about the blonde blackmailing Ross and Sullivan. She looked at her and the Italian seemed to realize how badly she had reacted.
"I'm sorry, I..." she muttered, mortified by her own behavior.
"It's okay." Maya reassured her. "I'll prepare you that chamomile.". Carina followed her wife to the kitchen. She knew she had hurt her and she hated herself for that. She loved Maya with all her heart and the last thing she wanted was treating her badly. She leaned against the wall, while watching her wife pour some water into a cup and put it into the microwave. When it was hot enough she took it and put a chamomile bag into it.
"Sugar?" Maya asked.
"No, thank you." Carina answered. The firefighter nodded and handed the cup to her.
"It's hot, be careful." she told her. The Italian slightly smiled at her and grabbed the cup. She took a sip, then looked up at the ceiling, tears rolling down her cheeks. Meredith was right, she had to tell Maya the truth, but how could she give her such a burden after all they had been through? It wouldn't have been fair, at all.
"Carina, are you really sure you're okay?". The Italian bit her lip and shook her head, fighting back tears.
"Every time I close my eyes, I..." she started. Every time I close my eyes, I see him, this was what she wanted to say. But she couldn't.
"When I realized that on that OR-table there was Keira, I wanted to scream, Maya. I wanted to punch someone, cry, throw up. But she was there and I had to be her doctor in that moment. Treating such cases is more common than you think and every time is horrible, but this time it was way beyond that.". Maya reached out and gently took Carina's hand, then kissed her knuckles, with love.
"You were so brave and strong in that OR. They should have called someone else or at least told you who that patient was."
"They couldn't know." Carina stated. "The paramedics who brought her to the hospital didn't remember her name."
"What? But I told them!" Maya snapped. "I can't believe it. Gosh, that girl doesn't deserve this."
"Già." Carina muttered. She looked at her wife and Maya frowned, sensing that the Italian probably wanted to say something else, but didn't know where to start. She stepped forward to her and gently grazed her cheek and Carina wished she could abandon herself between her arms, but the memories that nightmare had awakened in her were still too vivid. She moved to the couch and leaned against the back of it, her arms folded at her chest.
"Maya, I... I think we need to talk." she started. The blonde nodded, waiting for Carina to open up with her more about those last two days.
"I met Keira's social worker today." the Italian said, causing Maya to frown. She couldn't understand.
"I met her yesterday. She seems nice."
"She is just a social worker, Maya." Carina replied. "Listen, Raphael asked us to take care of her. We already have a foster license and..."
"Wait, do you want to foster her?" Maya asked and her voice sounded shocked, a reaction that Carina didn't like, at all.
"We already took care of her." she responded.
"But it was for few days, not for a lifetime."
"So, is this a no?" Carina said, bitter. She couldn't believe her own ears.
"I'm not... I just think we should be careful with it, it's not a decision you take lightly." Maya replied.
"Lightly? You think I'd take such a decision lightly?" Carina retorted, now visibly annoyed.
"It's not what..." the firefighter tried to say, but her wife didn't let her talk.
"She is alone, per Dio! She went through so much, she was assaulted, her brother is dead and she is alone!". Carina was in tears now and Maya could swear she had never seen her like that.
"I'm not saying no, but I think we need to consider the implications of this more, that's it." the blonde said, hoping that would have calmed her wife. In vain, unfortunately.
"Think?" Carina scoffed. "Raphael sent you a letter, Maya. He asked us to take care of his sister."
"I know.". Carina shook her head.
"Someone hurt her in the worst way possible, Maya. She will wake up and will realize everything. She will feel devastated. Sì, whoever did this devastated her. And I don't want her to face this alone." she told the blonde. Maya didn't know how to respond. She could understand what Carina wanted to say, she wasn't stupid. Moreover, she cared about Keira a lot, but taking care of an already grownup teenager was a whole different story and she definitely found it terrifying.
"Where are you going?" she asked Carina, realizing that her wife was leaving the kitchen.
"To the guest room.". Maya panicked. All of a sudden, she felt as if all the steps they had made were nothing but an illusion.
"What? Carina! Carina!" she called the Italian, gaining no answer at all. Carina rushed to the guest room and slammed the door, under Maya's shocked gaze.
"Carina! Carina, open the door!". Nothing, just a strangled sob, sign that the doctor was crying.
"I love you." Maya said, hoping that her wife could hear her. "I can't say yes right now, but this isn't a no either. Just give me time, please.". On the other side of the door, Carina heard her wife go back to their bedroom. She laid on the bed and abandoned herself to a desperate crying, finally. In the darkness of the night, she wished she had opened up with Maya, to confess her the real reason why she was in that guest room. Carina loved her wife and knew that she would have never hurt her, but in that moment she needed to deal with everything on her own. She had always been alone with the pain of her past. And all she wanted was to save Keira from the same fate.
Già: yes
Per Dio: for God's sake
Sì: yes
Author's note
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