Chaos broke out immediately. Ivyshadow was running, everything else a blur around her. Runningmouse, Runningmouse, Runningmouse.
Ivyshadow leapt into the den, only to crash into Violetfang.
“Out of the way!” Violetfang hissed, attempting to sidestep her.
She was trying to escape. Ivyshadow felt a laugh bubble up inside her, her vision swimming. Violetfang thought she could escape. How wrong she was.
She slammed Violetfang to the ground and leaned over her, swiftly sinking her fangs onto Violetfang’s throat. She bit down until she heard a crack of fragile bones breaking. Violetfang's unnerving eyes widened, then went glassy. Her body convulsed once, twice… then was still.
Ivyshadow did not stay to gloat. She leapt over her sister's body and into the den, crouching over her mate. “Runningmouse.” she whispered.
He was lying on his side as if he was sleeping. As if he was waiting for Ivyshadow to curl beside him. His dark brown eyes stared blankly forward. His chest did not move.
Ivyshadow's legs shook, but she did not fall. He was dead. Her Runningmouse was dead. The brave, amazing, sweet cat she loved was dead.
How?
Why?
Ivyshadow bent down to lay beside him, curling up against his belly like she did so many nights before. Like she would never do again. She half expected him to laugh, to ask her how her day was. “How are you, Ivy?” His voice sounded, clear as day, in her head.
Ivyshadow buried herself into her fur, letting his pine scent wash over her. She began to shake, her muscles twitching uncontrollably. How could this be real? He had survived so much.
“Ivyshadow.” Snowfall’s voice was far away, “I'm sorry.”
It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He was dead. A ripple, a movement twitched in her stomach, and Ivyshadow froze. A small being inside her kicked, gently pushing against the inside of her stomach. She was pregnant with his kits.
Ivyshadow pressed her nose into his fur, beginning to sob. “You didn't leave me alone, my love.”
I'm sorry, Ivy. His voice sounded in her ear, then slowly faded away, traveling upwards. I'm so sorry.
○○○
Ivyshadow blinked open her eyes against the sunlight, then frowned. Sunlight? She blinked again, turning to check if Runningmouse was already up. There was nobody behind her. Ivyshadow glanced around, frowning. Why had she fallen asleep in the middle of the camp?
A small thought began pricking at the back of his mind, a thought telling her the truth. She shoved it away. Where was Runningmouse?
She stood up, glancing around the crowded camp. A few cats shot sympathetic looks her way, even giving her nods of understanding. Anger spiked in her, coming faster than lightning. How dare they stare at her as if something was wrong? Everything was fine! And where was Runningmouse? She needed Runningmouse, didn't anyone understand that?
“Ivyshadow? Do you mind if I sit next to you?” Snowfall asked, padding over.
Ivyshadow looked up at her, and the truth she had pushed away threatened to come up again. “Have you seen Runningmouse? I want him.”
Snowfall’s eyes filled with pity. “Ivyshadow…”
Ivyshadow's resolve trembled, but she shoved the truth even deeper inside of her, “stop looking at me like that. Where is he?”
“You can cry. It's okay to cry.” Snowfall whispered.
Ivyshadow broke, falling against Snowfall’s white fur. She knew he was gone. She knew she would never see him again. But how could that be true? How could the world be so cruel? “Snowfall, I just want to see him one more time.”
“I know Ivy, I know,” Snowfall whispered.
They stood like that for minutes or hours, Ivyshadow couldn't tell, until finally Snowfall broke away, pushing a small sparrow towards her. “Eat.”
Ivyshadow stared down at the bird numbly. A memory came to her suddenly, his scent drifting into her mind. She closed her eyes, letting the memory envelope her.
Ivypaw and Runningmouse entered the Battle Training Clearing, their pelts brushing slightly. Runningmouse was supposed to be teaching her battle moves for the planned attack on Falling Rock. He looked nervous in Ivyshadow's eyes, while from Ivypaw's point of view, he looked confident; like he knew what he was doing.
A rustle sounded in the bush next to them, and both cats jumped. Thoughts of Falling Rock cats lurked in Ivypaw's mind, shooting a spike of fear through her.
Runningmouse positioned himself in front of her, a mild irritation creeping over Ivypaw. Did he doubt her ability to fight? A brief, tense silence lingered between them until a sudden squawk shattered the moment. A sparrow burst out of the bush, claws out, targeting Runningmouse's eyes. He deftly dodged the attack, and the tiny bird shifted its focus, diving at Ivypaw in erratic circles. It pecked and bit at her before darting back to the safety of the bush. They both stared at the fluttering leaves for a bit, "Why was I even nervous?” Runningmouse laughed awkwardly.
Ivypaw frowned at the bush, “I've never seen a sparrow be so aggressive.”
“I bet she's guarding a nest,” Runningmouse separated the leaves of the bush, prompting another squawk from the bird, which he ignored. “See this?”
Ivypaw leaned forward, and sure enough, a small nest sat underneath the fluffed up bird. Ivypaw couldn't help but feel pity for the mother bird. She was just trying to protect her young.
Runningmouse leaned down to shoo off the bird, before picking up the nest. He leapt effortlessly up the side of the tree, setting the nest on a firm branch. Ivypaw watched him jump back down and the sparrow fly up to check on her eggs. She felt a warm feeling in her chest. Maybe during winter she would be glad to eat one of the bird's young, but today it felt nice to save a small life.
Runningmouse settled back down on his haunches, looking satisfied. “We-” he started, but Blackstripe's meow interrupted him
“Ivypaw! I thought I caught your scent.” The black tabby tom entered the clearing, “you been doing some battle training?”
We actually never got to training yet, Ivypaw realized sheepishly. She exchanged a glance with Runningmouse, who's eyes glittered with amusement. “Um, yes!” Ivypaw lied.
Ivyshadow opened her eyes back to the present, staring at the small bird lying in front of her. It's neck was broken with the same move that had killed her mate. “Sparrowkit.” Ivyshadow whispered, feeling the tiny being inside her move. “That's what I'll call you.”
“What was that?” Snowfall asked cautiously.
“I'm not hungry,” Ivyshadow said. It was true. Even the thought of eating the broken songbird made her sick.
“That's okay,” Snowfall meowed, pushing the bird away, “we can sit here for a while.”
Ivyshadow knew Snowfall was treating her like a kit, but she didn't care. She didn't want to be an adult, and accept all the adult truths that came with it. She didn't want to remember.
“I call all cats of the Clan of Tall Trees to gather for a clan meeting!”
Ivyshadow looked up at Acornstar dully. Her fur was sleek and shiny, and she held her head high. Her amber eyes did not waver. How could she do it? She was going through the same thing Ivyshadow was, and yet she could think? She could move? Is there something wrong with me?
“Goldpaw needs a new mentor. Winterthorn, you can take over the rest of her apprenticeship.”
Ivyshadow kept her eyes on her paws. Acornstar's words barely registered in Ivyshadow's grief-stricken mind. The Clan meeting continued, announcements echoing through the clearing, but Ivyshadow remained detached. She felt like an outsider in her own world, a world that had crumbled with Runningmouse's death.
“I say these words before the Clan of Rising Star, so that the spirits of our warrior ancestors may hear and approve of my choice. The new deputy of the Clan of Tall Trees is Sunshine.”
The words didn't matter to Ivyshadow. Nothing mattered. What was the point of all of this, of life? They were all going to die anyway.
As the Clan dispersed, Snowfall gently nudged Ivyshadow. "Let me walk you to the warrior’s den. You need some rest.”
Ivyshadow followed Snowfall with numb steps, her eyes vacant and distant. The reality of Runningmouse's absence settled in, and each breath felt like a struggle. The Warrior's den offered a quiet sanctuary, and Ivyshadow sank into a nest, surrounded by the comforting scent of her clamates. Her nest still smelled like him.
Snowfall settled beside her, her presence a silent source of support. Ivyshadow's thoughts drifted back to the sparrow and the tiny life growing inside her. Sparrowkit. A fragile hope in the midst of overwhelming loss.
Days blurred into nights, the routine of the Clan unfolding without Ivyshadow's active participation. The few times Ivyshadow did eat, it was hard to swallow. She couldn't eat anything with a broken neck, and had yet to have eaten a bird. His scent faded slowly from their nest, just as she slowly stopped expecting him to reappear, to be there when she woke up. Her thoughts spiraled lower and lower, constantly going over what she should have done. She'd been so stupid to let Violetfang be in the same den as him. Why hadn't she just killed Violetfang when she'd had the chance?
“Ivyshadow.”
Ivyshadow didn't look up. She was curled in a ball, trying to catch any trace of his scent.
“Ivyshadow, get up.” Obeying Acornstar was more of an instinct than a conscious thought. Ivyshadow sat up.
“I'm sorry for your loss,” Acornstar dipped her head.
Ivyshadow squinted against the bright sun and didn't respond.
“But you need to fulfill your duties to the Clan. Forestpaw needs training. The borders need patrolling.” Acornstar's voice was unsympathetic.
“How do you do it?” Ivyshadow's voice was raspy, unused to talking.
Acornstar's eyes softened momentarily. “Working helps, a little.” She straightened again, the look gone, “I expect you to train Forestpaw today. It's been a week.”
Ivyshadow blinked, “a week?”
“And a half.” Acornstar added.
Ivyshadow glanced back to the nest that now smelled of sadness and fear, not of him. A week and half.
Ivyshadow rose from her nest, her movements sluggish. The weight of grief bore down on her, but Acornstar's words echoed in her ears. Forestpaw needed training, the Clan required patrolling. The world moved forward, leaving Ivyshadow stuck in a cycle of pain.
As she stepped out of the warrior's den, the familiar sights of the camp seemed both alien and unwelcoming. The sun cast a harsh light on everything, emphasizing the void left by Runningmouse's absence. Ivyshadow shoved down memories of him that lurked in every corner of the camp. Memories of his laughter, of his smile…
"Ivyshadow," Forestpaw meowed, his ears pinned back nervously.
Ivyshadow took a deep breath, attempting to summon the energy to focus on training. They padded out of the camp and towards the Battle Training hollow, Forestpaw blissfully silent. The routines felt mechanical, her mind drifting back to Runningmouse with each pawstep.
Throughout the training session, Ivyshadow mechanically guided Forestpaw through battle moves, her mind on autopilot. The routine offered a semblance of normalcy, and for the first time she almost managed to hide the truth deep within her heart. She got caught up in the adrenaline, wrestling and beating Forestpaw again and again.
As the sun dipped below the horizon, signaling the end of the training session, Ivyshadow felt a mix of exhaustion and a lingering emptiness. She and Forestpaw trudged back to camp, her paws heavy. She was hungry for the first time in days.
“I'm getting better, huh Ivy?” Forestpaw asked, hopping excitedly from one foot to the other, “I think I was close to beating you a couple of times!”
Ivyshadow smiled slightly, “you did good.”
Forestpaw grinned back, stepping closer to her as they walked. Ivyshadow knew he was trying to comfort her in his Forestpaw way. He was too young to understand, but he didn't try to. All he knew was that Ivyshadow was grieving, which made him sad. Somehow this comforted her.
Ivyshadow hesitated before going back into camp, not sure she was ready for the barrage of memories that came with it.
Would she ever be ready?
But then she felt her kits move inside her, and she knew she must eat. For them. For him.
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