Recap of chapter 27
In chapter 27 Ellie was thinking very negatively the whole day. She got up not wanting to do anything. She made herself go to school and avoided Jared almost the whole time. There was one time when he got her alone and he was hung over and high. He was talking nonsense and came after her trying to get her back. She pushed him away from her and went to lunch with Paige.
Throughout the rest of the day there were more negative thoughts. She kept thinking that she caused lots of people pain and she thought that she should suffer like he made others. She thinks she's been super mean and bitchy to Chase and she thinks he doesn't want anything to do with her. She thinks she drove Jason away and was a bad girlfriend. She thinks her parents are dead because she didn't come out of the room or do anything to help the night of the accident. Ellie is overwhelmed with all of these negative thoughts and when she gets home she brings herself to the bathroom and cuts her wrist.
Chapter 28
I woke up curled up in my bed with the blankets up to my neck. I pulled them down feeling well refreshed and rested. I think I needed some rest.
I raised my arms up above my head and stretched as I sat up. My arms dropped in front of me and I could see the cuts on my wrist. The amount had increased in the past week. The first time I did it there were only a few but now there were more. They weren't covering my entire arm but there was a fairly large patch at the bottom of my wrist.
I had done it three times. The other two were close. The last time I had done it, I was leaving the bathroom and there were still tears running down my face. I was in the process of pulling my long sleeve down my arm when I bumped into Keaton. He looked at me and raised my chin. He asked why I was crying and I just told him it was nothing. He looked down at my arm and I brushed past him to get to my room. I think he was catching on, but he hadn't said anything yet.
That was three days ago. I hadn't cut since.
I got out of bed and got ready for school. My morning routine had now become pretty steady. It was usually the same. I would throw on a long sleeve shirt most days or a jacket and I would continue to get ready. I would try to stay away from the guys since I could tell they didn't want to be near me and I would eat breakfast alone, silently.
When I arrive at school I stay quiet. I meet Paige by my locker, but I'm sure she doesn't like the burden that is me so I mostly just stand there while she talks to her other friends.
When the bell rings, Paige and I make our way to our classes. We take our seats at the front and waited for the teacher to begin talking. Paige usual listens intently and takes notes while the teacher is writing. I usually take notes as well, but a bit less intently.
Today was different though. When I got to school Ethan started talking to Paige at her locker. Paige came up to me, instead of me coming to her. She was cheery and happy and smiling. She held her hands in front of her nice pink dress and she looked at me excitedly.
"You seem happy," I said, clearly stating the obvious.
"Guess what," she blurted out. Before I could even take a breath and think she said, "Ethan asked me to go to the movies with him after their game." She jumped up and down a bit and giggled. She was so happy.
I smiled at her and nodded happily. That was great. I knew she liked him a lot. "That's great. I'm really happy for you."
She made a pouty face at me. "You don't seem very happy. What's wrong?" Paige asked, genuinely concered. "Nothing, I'm fine. I'm just a little tired." That was a complete lie, but I didn't want to drag her into this.
She gave me a do-I-look-stupid look. "What is wrong?" She demanded.
"Nothing," I said and laughed a little. "Nothing, seriously. I'm really happy for you." I smiled at her and gave her a hug.
Her smile returned and she looked back at Ethan after our hug. He was with Chase and his friends and they were all talking, but he was looking over at us and he was smiling. He seemed really happy with her too.
When the bell rang, Paige and I went to our first class. We sat at the front of the class and got out our notebooks. Paige wasn't in her usual focussed, learning mode. She seemed like her mind was somewhere else. She was probably thinking about the date. It seemed good for her though. She needed to be distracted by something other than school. I could see the pressure and stress getting to her.
She looked over at me and smiled. That smile would never go away. I looked back down at my paper and began doodling. I was drawing a small flower in the corner of my paper. I had five waving petals on it and on the outside of the petals were smaller ones.
I was getting into the picture when Paige nudged my arm. "What's on your wrist?" she asked. I looked up from my paper and saw her pointing at the cuts with her pencil. They were peeking out of the end of my sleeve. You could only see about a fifth of them.
"Uh," I stammered. "Um, I scraped my arm on the side of the coffee table. You know how it's that rough wood and I was reaching for a cup on the table and I tripped a little and my arm brushed the side. It's nothing though." I gave her a pleading look, begging her to just drop it. I think she got it and just nodded it off. She seemed confused and sad. That smile did go away.
The bell rang saving me from any questions she might have had and it was time for us to get to our next class. Throughout the rest of the day it was like this with her. She seemed distant, but I don't think she was thinking about her date. She barely looked at me. We barely talked. She didn't leave though. She stayed, she just didn't say anything. She probably didn't know what to say. I know I wouldn't if this was happening to my friend.
When it came to lunch time again, the guys insisted that they sit with us. Not because they wanted to protect me from Jared, though. Jared hadn't been at school for the past couple of days. The last time I had seen him was when we had that run in by the lockers. They sat with us today, because it was the gentleman thing for Ethan to do for Paige. When Ethan suggested this she blushed and said that he didn't have to, but he sat down with her anyway.
We were in the same seats as the first time they sat with us. It started out like last time as well. Ethan and Paige were off in their own little world making conversation with each other. Ethan would say something that I couldn't hear and Paige would giggle and blush and smile at him. I would ferociously bite into my sandwich and sit in my silence.
After I finished my sandwich quietly Chase asked me something. "Will you come to my game after school?"
I was surprised. I didn't think he would ask me to. "Uh," was all I said. I didn't think it would be a good idea. I didn't want to accidentally run into Jared there. I didn't want to see him ever again after the way he touched me the other day.
"Please, Ethan and I really want you there." He looked up at Ethan for encouragement, but he was still talking to Paige. They didn't even notice. "I really want you there."
"I don't know, Chase. What if Jared is there?" I was scared that it would just be terrible. And what if the girl he was cheating with showed up. And what if they kissed right in front of me again.
"It'll be fine. He hasn't even been at school so he can't paly anyway," Chase said, trying to persuade me to go.
"I really don't know," I said. It was a bit annoying that he was pushing this so much. I don't think he realizes how bad this could be. "He could still go. I don't want to see him. I don't even want to take a chance."
He seemed really disappointed. Not upset, but disappointed. "Will you ever go again?" he asked.
I wasn't sure. It just depends if any of this stuff gets any better. If I feel better about being around Jared. "I, I don't know," I said innocently.
"Okay." He seemed really disappointed by my answer. "I'm gonna go throw this away. Are you done?" he asked pointing at my bag and wrappers.
I nodded. "Thanks." He nodded back and gave me a half smile. He picked up the trash and left the table. I looked over at Ethan and Paige who were still talking. It seemed like they were just getting closer and closer to each other. Literally. His forearm was resting on the table and he seemed really close to her.
I looked around the cafeteria trying to distract myself with something other than those two love birds. Why couldn't I be in good relationships like that?