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I LOOKED back and forth between Harper and the door, trying to decide what to do. Her hands had left my skin. She was watching me with an expectant look, one brow cocked.
"She's not your girlfriend or anything, is she?" Harper asked when I'd stayed quiet for too long, frozen in the same spot. Yeah, right. In my fucking dreams.
My head shook vehemently, not wanting her to think I was a cheater. "No, no. She's my...best friend. I'm not out to her, though. Not really out in general, to be honest. Only two people know."
Breathe. In and out. In and out. One, two, three, four, five.
Understanding washed over her. "I see. Do you want to go back out there?"
I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. Loud and beating erratically. The realization that the walls I'd put up to protect that part of my identity had been crushed against my will sank into me, sobering up any part of me that was still clouded by alcohol. She knows. She knows. The words scratched themselves into my brain until all I could hear was a persistent loop of: she knows. Like a broken record.
"Are you okay?" Harper asked. "She's not homophobic, is she?"
"She's not. I just, I want to get back out there." My voice came out raspy, cementing in that I was in fact not fine.
"That's okay I'll-"
Before she could finish, I'd headed for the door. When I was out in the hallway and the living room was in my line of sight, nausea crawled up me. The alcohol mixed with anxiety and heightened the severity of it. Why did I think drinking was a good idea?
Zora was sitting on the couch, her hands entwined on her lap. She followed me with her eyes as I took my spot beside her. I didn't want to talk here, so my strategy was to pretend nothing had happened. Since there was no way she was going to confront me in a group of people, it worked.
It didn't stop her gaze from burning into me, however. I pretended like I didn't notice it when in reality it was the only thing I could truly focus on. Never had I wished I could read her mind as badly as I did right then. Was she judging me? Was she thinking back on every time she'd been close to me or changed in front of me and feeling uncomfortable? Was she just confused? Caught off guard? I had no way of knowing without talking to her, which I wasn't going to do. Not yet, at least. Eventually, soon, I would have to, but I was trying not to think about that. Consequently, it was all that I could think about.
When Harper returned, we resumed conversation like nothing had happened. The only thing that changed was that it seemed more friendly than before, less flirty. She stayed within her space, refraining from touching or leaning closer, correctly assuming I wasn't in the mood for it anymore. However, it didn't appear to offend her, which was a major relief.
Lex moved so he could whisper something into Harper's ear not long after she'd come back, wearing a smirk. Whether he wanted me to hear it or not, I wasn't sure, but I did.
"You were in there for a while, yeah?"
"Shut up, Lex," Harper hissed in a low tone.
"Just saying. You've never been subtle with your flirting."
As if he'd said nothing, he continued speaking to Ruby and the couple whose names I didn't remember. I couldn't help the embarrassment that set in. If Lex could tell we'd been flirting, who else could? I wasn't sure I wanted to know. This entire night was starting to be filled with regrets and I felt like disappearing into my bed.
It was obvious that Mai wanted to know what happened, she kept giving me looks with that clear message. I eventually mouthed 'later' to her and she stopped with her antics, satisfied with my answer or at least respectful of it.
I needed to use the bathroom and I told Harper as much. After doing my business and washing my hands, I opened the door and immediately halted in my steps. The kitchen was close to the bathroom and I could hear two people talking in there. I recognized the voices as Lex and Caio.
Lex asked something, but I only heard the end part of it. "...not single?"
"It's complicated, but no, not really. My friends don't know, so please don't say anything. He's not out."
This was the second time I listening in on Caio's conversation with someone and I started to feel a bit bad for overhearing his private talks. But they would notice me if I went past the kitchen, so I stayed put. Maybe I should inform him that I knew he had a thing with a guy, but then I'd have to admit I'd ended up eavesdropping on him twice. By accident, albeit.
"Don't worry, I won't. Sorry for hitting on you, by the way."
"It's cool, you didn't know."
When they returned to the living room, I stayed back for a minute, then also headed there. I was seriously conflicted on whether to confront him about what I'd heard or not. On one hand, perhaps it was best he told us himself. On the other hand, I didn't like hiding what I knew from him. It wasn't like I knew exactly who it was, but I suspected it was someone from Avi's friend group who had been present when we saw them at that café after ice skating weeks prior, but that was all I knew. It did narrow down the options, but Avi also had a lot of friends. It's his story to tell, I reminded myself.
I hadn't expected the tension in the living room that had arisen in the minutes I was gone. Silas seemed frustrated while the guy of the couple who'd been making out looked cocky. Mara and the girl were clearly uncomfortable. It became apparent what was going on when I heard the words Silas spat out.
"Why does our sex life matter so much to you, anyway? Mind your business, Jack."
Jack, right, that was his name.
He smirked as if he found it amusing to get on Silas' nerves. "Chill, man. I just find it hard to believe that you haven't had sex in all that time together. Not even a saint of a man can hold out for that long. You mean to tell me you haven't been looking for other sources of some fun in all that time, if you know what I mean."
"Jack, you're being a jerk," the girl whisper-yelled, inching away from him.
Silas' eyes narrowed. "It's that unbelievable that a relationship can be about more than just physical stuff? That says more about you than me if anything."
"I'm not saying it's only physical. What I'm saying is, are you really in a serious relationship if you haven't even gotten a handjob from your girlfriend? We're not in middle school anymore. Holding hands and a peck on the cheek isn't enough to satisfy anybody's needs anymore. I'm being realistic here, not a jerk."
Silas scoffed. "I don't think you're the ultimate relationship judge here considering your previous ones."
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"
In a mocking tone, Silas said, "The fuck is that supposed to mean? What do you think? You don't exactly have a reputation for successful relationships."
Jack got up, and so did Silas, and by the look on Jack's face, steam might as well have been coming out of his ears. He got closer to Silas until he was the perfect distance to throw a punch, which I sincerely hoped he didn't. The idiot was a lot broader than Silas and I was pretty sure Silas lacked fighting skills, so Jack would most likely win.
Still on the armchair, his girlfriend, or whatever she was, appeared ashamed. Getting in between them wouldn't do her any good though, so she sat back and watched, planning to end things with the asshole later, by the looks of it.
"You giving me attitude now, huh? Pissy because your girlfriend's not attracted to you? You really think she's not fucking other dudes behind your back? Are you that naive?"
My gaze went to Mara. She'd been sitting there the whole time, eyes welling up with tears. This was obviously hitting a sore spot for her. Her biggest concern in her relationship with Silas and here this guy way, basically telling her that she should feel guilty about it.
"Back up and stop talking shit," Silas said, sounding more menacing than I'd ever heard him.
"I'm not letting you tell me to do shit, Silas," he spat out.
"That's enough," Tristan suddenly said, interferring at last. "I need you to get out of my apartment, Jack. You're being a dick and I don't tolerate that kind of shit at my place."
"We were just talking. You can mind your own business," Jack said. However, he did step back.
"Talking my ass. It's my business when you're doing it where I live. Now get out, I won't ask again."
He hesitated, but shot a last look at Silas, grumbling something like 'so fucking stupid', before he grabbed his shit and got out, slamming the door like a toddler.
The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife. Everyone just stood there in silence for a moment. I noticed Mara was gone. Before I could consider going after her, Silas was on it.
"I should go," the girl who'd been with Jack said, sounding so blatantly uncomfortable. "Sorry about him. I didn't realize he could be such a dick."
Everyone mumbled a quick bye as she departed, shutting the door behind her. So this was awkward. I certainly wasn't going to be the first one to break the silence, so I sat where I was, my mouth shut.
"It's getting late, I should probably start cleaning up," Tristan eventually said.
It was a subtle way of saying 'shit got awkward so you guys should probably leave.' Sure, it was past midnight, but it wasn't that late for a Saturday. Nobody protested, though. Rather, we all started helping him clean up.
Seeing as there wasn't all that much to actually clean and we were a decent amount of people, it didn't take that long. By the time we were finished, Mara and Silas had come out of the room they'd been in. The former was still visibly upset. We met eyes and she said something to Silas before approaching me.
"Hey," I said.
"Hi."
"You okay? He was being a massive dick, you shouldn't listen to him."
Mara smiled sadly. "I know. It's kind of hard not to when he was voicing all my insecurities, though."
"He doesn't know shit, but I get it. Can't say I'm particularly good at not taking things people say to heart myself. What did you two talk about?"
She nervously chewed on her bottom lip, a habit I was all too familiar with. "He mostly comforted me, saying the things you said basically. I told him I wanted to have a serious talk tomorrow, though. I'm going to tell him about...well, you know."
"How are you feeling about that?"
The shaky breath she exhaled told me everything. But I figured it was good for her to say it aloud. I was starting to sound like a therapist here, but I'd give them credit, it was helpful. Difficult, but helpful.
"Scared. Really fucking scared. But I have to. This was the final straw, I can't keep this in for longer. It's not fair to him or me."
"I'm proud of you. Let me know how it goes after. If you want to, of course."
She nodded. "Yeah, that'd be nice, I think. Thank you for the support, it really means a lot."
"Of course."
After giving me an appreciative smile, she looked over her shoulder, and then back at me. "I should probably go. I'm staying at Silas' tonight and then we're talking in the morning. I think it's best we sleep and get our heads cleared."
"Probably a good idea, yeah."
"I'll see you Monday, then. I'm going to go and say goodbye to the other."
"Bye, Mara. See you Monday."
Slowly but surely, everyone started saying their goodbyes. As the only ones who'd remained completely sober, Silas drove Mara, while Mai drove Caio, Zora, and I.
The drive back home, I knew Zora wanted to talk to me. Even more than she had before. Like I'd done on the way there, I looked out the window the entire way, assuming she'd take the hint. Zora was the first to be dropped off, so I relaxed a little when she was gone.
When we got to my house, Mai turned so she could face me from the driver's seat.
"Everything okay?" She asked.
"Yeah."
She made a gesture urging me to go on and I knew she wanted to talk about what happened between me and Harper. Caio knew I was gay and Mai was aware that he knew, but it still felt odd to admit I'd kissed a girl.
"We kissed, if that's what you were wondering. Zora walked in on us."
Mai winced. "Oh, shit. So that's why she was staring at you like that after. I mean, she's like always looking at you, but there was something more in her eyes I couldn't place until now."
She's always looking at you. My mind clung onto the words.
"She's not always looking at me." Right?
"Oh, she is," Caio chimed in. "I don't know if she's always aware she is, but if you're in a room, her eyes always seek you out."
"She's just doing that now because she feels guilty because she did...something."
He didn't look convinced. "This is something I noticed when we first started sitting with you guys at lunch. It's not new."
"I would have noticed."
"Would you have?" Mai challenged.
I was always looking at her too before I started avoiding her gaze whenever I could. Then again, we did meet eyes quite a lot, didn't we? That was normal, though, was it not? Zora was just always looking out for me like a best friend did. So what if her eyes were on me a lot? It didn't mean anything.
"Whatever. I should go."
"Wait, Naya. Are you okay? You guys didn't talk, did you?" Mai asked
"We didn't."
I avoided the first question because I wasn't okay. Zora knew and I wasn't okay, but I didn't want to say that right now.
"Are you going to?" She followed up with.
"We need to."
Leaving it at that, I opened the car door and got out, saying my goodbyes to them both.
We needed to talk, but I also needed time to process things. After spending the rest of the night tossing and turning in bed, I decided I'd find her on Monday and talk. It would give me the rest of the weekend to think things through.
Fuck, I really didn't want to talk about it.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Monday started like any other day. Anxiety was gnawing at me, which wasn't anything unusual, but today it was because I was going to talk to Zora. She'd texted me twice on Sunday about what had happened at the party. I ignored her texts and felt guilty for doing so, but it was best we talked in person.
When I got to school, I didn't pay any attention to the gossip running high all over the place. Rumors were always circulating, people always found something new to whisper about. It wasn't like anything was directed my way, so I didn't listen to it.
I went to my first class, caught up in my thoughts and ignoring the chattering around me. It was all perfectly normal. That was until I heard the name. The name I hadn't forgotten since Avi first told me it.
"Did you hear about Gael?" Some girl asked.
My attention shifted so quickly that it almost gave me whiplash. Suddenly, the only thing I was interested in was whatever the fuck this gossip was.
"Oh my god, yeah. I'm not surprised, to be honest, considering the rumors that went around about how he tried spiking Zora's drink a while back."
"It's awful, though, isn't it? I'm glad she reported him."
Was the 'she' in question Zora? Had she reported him? No, she would tell me. What's going on?
Before I could stop myself, I turned around and asked, almost demanded, "What are you talking about?"
They shared a look. "This was kind of a private conversation."
The girl who'd said it was awful must have realized something because she gave her friend a look. "Naya. Zora's best friend, right?"
"Yeah."
"Oh shit, Naya," the other girl said, then she looked confused. "You don't know?"
"Just please tell me."
They must have sensed my desperation because they didn't ask me anything more, finally answering my question.
"This girl, Lilac I think her name is, apparently pressed charges against Gael for sexual assault, like as recently as yesterday I think. He was arrested if the rumors are true."
It felt like all my blood rushed to my head. I didn't bother giving them a response, standing upright as the teacher entered. When she questioned why I was trying to leave, I told her I was feeling sick. Whatever she saw on my face, it was enough for her to sympathize with me and let me leave.
I fumbled for my phone when I was in the empty hallways, my hands shaking. When I found her contact, I pressed call, pacing as I waited for her to pick up.
"Zora, are you okay? Where are you?" I asked the moment she answered.
"I'm home," she said, voice unsteady.
"I'll be right there."
I hung up and grabbed my things from my locker, before rushing to her place, even more grateful it was so close than usual now.
Lilac. It wasn't a name I recognized, but it was one that I knew I forever would now. I wanted to kill Gael. I wanted to erase anything he'd done to Lilac, to Zora. Oh god, what if there were more girls? Fuck, I felt sick to my stomach.
In record time, I arrived at Zora's place. The door was locked, so I knocked. I'd expected Zora to answer the phone, but instead, it was her dad, looking more serious than I'd ever seen him. Something like relief crossed his face when he saw it was me.
"Oh, Naya. Good. She needs her best friend."
"Di-Did she tell you?"
His jaw clenched. "She did."
"Okay, yes. That's good, that's good."
"She's upstairs," he said.
I nodded, hurrying up to her room. When I knocked, a coarse voice told me to come in.
Zora was sitting on the floor up against her bed, knees to her chest and arms crossed over them. Tears were running down her cheeks. I was by her side, my arms holding her to me, in seconds. After a sharp inhale, Zora sobbed, as if she'd been holding it in for hours and finally felt safe enough to let it all out. My heart felt like it was screaming at me to make her hurt stop somehow, heavy in my chest from bearing everything I could imagine she was feeling there too.
I held her as closely and firmly as I could, like I could take away her pain by being near her. This time I couldn't stop the tears from spilling. I shut my eyes tightly, pulling her to my lap so she was practically cradled to me. It was as close as I could get her.
With every aching thrum of my heart and her every sob, I whispered, "I got you."
Five? Ten? Maybe sixty minutes went by until she started calming down, and her crying turned into hiccups.
"I'm going to the police. I have to give them something, anything that could help."
"I'll be there with you every step if you want me to be," I promised, like I had before.
This Monday had turned into anything but just another day.
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If you're a survivor of sexual assault, there are resources out there to help you, I hope you know your experience/s are valid!
╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╝
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨!
©𝚆𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚖. 𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚍