BELLE POV
TW: ed
after what Max had said to me at the gym, it triggered my old eating disorder. during my schooling I had both anorexia and bulimia. George was with me throughout that time and helped me overcome my eating disorders. but unfortunately the thoughts never go away completely.
I had gotten up and lay in my room until I felt my stomach rumble with hunger so I ordered food just before 12 at night.
I had ordered a lot of food which I devoured in less than 10 minutes. at first it felt good but then the thoughts came. "puke it up, you're so damn fat" said the voice in my head. I felt disgusted by my own reflection and in the end I couldn't stand it.
I ran to the toilet and pressed my fingers down my throat. the first attempts didn't work, but when I started thinking about how fat I would get, I finally managed to get the food I had ordered. when i was done i rinsed and jumped in the shower even though i had my clothes on.
I felt the voice in my head become mean and my voice in my hood began to destroy everything I had built. I broke down in the shower, tears pouring from my eyes. I screamed and cried that a stupid comment from Max could ruin so much.
I sat in the shower for 50 minutes and just cried. I also cried so much I had to run to the bathroom and throw up another round. when I calmed down I took off the now wet clothes and went to bed and fell asleep.
______
it was Thursday morning and it was media day. me and George were going to have breakfast together before we were going to the circuit together. I put on my clothes and checked myself in the mirror.
I was again disgusted by my reflection and decided not to eat breakfast. I went and knocked on George's door and we then took the elevator down to the restaurant.
"I could eat all the hotel breakfast right now" George said when we arrived at breakfast. I checked all the options and felt my voice in my head telling me off.
"I'm not that hungry, I'll probably just have a fruit" I said with a fake smile.
"Are you sick?? you love to eat breakfast"
"I'm just not in the mood for some breakfast"
George looked at me suspiciously but didn't want to question anything when there was a chance someone might hear about my problems. He went to pick up breakfast while I struggled to take a piece of fruit. I knew my brain would be disgusted that I ate something but I couldn't handle all the media without something in my stomach.
we sat down and talked about the press conference we were going to have. I would sit with Lance, Carlos and Lando. i knew it would be a nightmare for the interviewers because me and lando couldn't sit still and be serious together.
George would be with Yuki, Albon and Bottas. I knew he would talk to Alex a lot but they used to be professional. we sat and talked until George had eaten and it was time for us to go. I jumped into George's Mercedes and before I could put on my seat belt he had already started driving away.
when we arrived I was almost immediately scolded by Olivia for not wearing a Red Bull shirt. We ran to my driver's room and got an extra shirt I could change into. I barely got out of my room before I had to run to the press conference.
I sat down and Lando sat down next to me. we started laughing and talking straight away but both were told when they were going to start filming. The first few minutes went well and I managed to look serious. after all the questions went almost exclusively to Carlos, I started whispering with Lando. I told a joke that made Lando laugh out loud.
Everyone looked at him like he was an Alien. He gathered himself and said sorry to Carlos and those behind the camera. After a more superficial minute or so, it was my turn to ask questions.
"How have you prepared for the race" asked an older man.
"I have looked at the mistakes I made last race and have learned what to do better. I have also practiced a lot and focused a lot on learning the track" I answered calmly so as not to show my nervousness.
I looked up at Olivia and she nodded at me as if to say my answer was good. shortly afterwards another question came.
"how do you see the competition from other teams and drivers or have you become friends with the other drivers"
"the competition is very high. it's my first year and I have a lot to learn and the drivers who have been here longer have an advantage. Of course there will always be competition between all the drivers but have gotten to know most of them and because Lando is my oldest friend so our competition is special but in a healthy way"
I glanced over at Olivia again and she smiled at me which made me calm down. I felt that my answer was not good enough. Lando placed his hand over mine discreetly and when I looked up at him I saw pride in his eyes.
Now there were questions for Lance so me and Lando started whispering again. Carlos had lost his temper and was staring, which made us giggle. WE felt eyes on us throughout the conference and no matter how hard we tried to be serious, it didn't work.
it was finally over and I got up and walked out of the room when I heard Lando call me."when do you have your next interview"
I looked towards Olivia who held up 8 fingers. "next interview is in 8 minutes, when do you have yours"
"in like 10 minutes, would you like to go get something quick to eat"
I didn't answer right away, debating whether to force myself to eat or whether to let the voice in my head win. I let the voice win and I decided not to eat anything.
"no I'm not hungry but I'm coming with you as company"
"what would I have done without you Russel... The last one there is a poo sausage" Lando said and started running as hard as he could. me and my winning skull refused to accept a loss so I ran after him and quickly caught up with him.
we stopped and caught our breath. I felt like I was dying because my legs were so tired. Lando lay down on the ground after his sprint hoping to win.
"how could you win, I ran ahead of you" Lando said after he caught his breath a bit.
"you know I'm faster than you and I won't lose to you Norris"
he got up and tried to push me but I managed to move so he fell to the ground again. I started laughing at him and helped him stand up again and then he went and got a sandwich.
"I'm sorry Lando but I have to go now if I'm going to make it to the interview and don't want Olivia to get mad at me, she's scary when she's mad"
now Lando started to tan so he had to hold his stomach and then pointed behind me. I turned and saw Olivia behind me with a half angry expression on her face. I knew she had heard what I had said and followed her nicely without looking at her. I arrived and saw that Will Buxton was going to interview me.
"okay first question belle what do you think of the course here"
"I like the track very much, it is technically challenging and tests the driver's skills. It is of course a challenge to adapt to new tracks but I am looking forward to finally test it tomorrow"
"how is your and Max's relationship today, we know where he said last week"
i was about to say what i felt but before i could say anything olivia coughed and when i looked at her she gave me an evil look and i knew i needed to be professional,
"our relationship is not something I'm going to go into detail about. we haven't had a good start but we can only move forward from that. we both have challenges and will act professionally for our and the team's future"
Will Buxton and Olivia looked pleased with the answer and I knew if it had been someone else interviewing me they would have pressed me more for more details. I was asked a few more questions but when I was done I said goodbye and went to the Red Bull hospital to exhale.
"good thing I found you Belle, Max is coming soon and then we'll have some more cards for you" said Max's PR manager and I sighed outright as a protest against Christan's stupid idea. it wasn't long before Max came from his interview and I hoped he hadn't said anything stupid because I knew it would make more headlines as everyone tried to get the fans and everyone to forget about it.
"I can't go a day without seeing your ugly face" Max said and sat down on the sofa a few meters from me.
"Your dear PR manager told us to make more cards so I guess you couldn't keep your mouth shut at the interview"
"Can you guys stop acting like little kids and start cooperating" said Olivia who had now come back from what she had been doing.
Max forced himself up from the couch and sat across from me at the table. Olivia put the cards down on the table and sat a few feet away from us so we could read the questions in peace without being disturbed. we again said nothing at first and just looked at the cards hoping we could avoid talking to each other.
"I can't hear either of you talking!" Olivia called after many minutes of silence.
I forced myself to pick up the first card.
"which country would you like to visit and why" I laughed to myself because I knew what he was going to answer.
"I don't know, have been to most countries but probably some warm country. where do you want to go"
I was a little surprised that he asked the question back but quickly understood why, both of our Pr mangers were glaring at us.
"I would like to go to Hawaii or the Maldives"
he didn't look at me but picked up the other card. he chuckled mockingly then turned to Olivia."what kind of question is this anyway"
he turned back to me and sighed before finally saying the question.
"say something you like about me and of course it's not mean in parentheses"
I looked at him and studied him to think of something nice to say but nothing came of it. I could see he was getting uncomfortable with me studying him and he started to squirm in his chair.
"I guess you have nice eyes, you" I finally got out as a reply and I could see once again that he was uncomfortable with my answer. he started looking me up and down trying to think of something nice to say.
"I think you have nice hair color" Max replied and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at his answer. I quickly picked up another card so I wouldn't laugh out loud.
"do you have any goals for the future"
"I want to win many championships but if you have to think away from F1, I'd like to have more cats and a family"
I was surprised that he gave a long answer. this was the furthest we had gone without mocking each other in some way. I nodded at Max's answer and hoped we could continue the cards some other day, luckily Olivia said yes to that question and we both got up to hurry out.
I walked out of the hospital and started looking for someone to spend time with. I had walked past each team's hospatility several times until I heard a voice behind me.
"you look like a lost dog" laughed Daniel and came up to me.
"please tell me you're done with the median"
"yeah i guess you're done too"
we were standing talking about everything and nothing when George and Mick came up to us. I felt two eyes staring at me and I knew it was Mick because George was busy ranting about the questions he had been asked.
"can't we come up with something" I whined, getting impatient that I had been standing for so long and my feet were starting to hurt.
"what does princess russel want to do" Danny said bowing to me making me laugh. I thought for a while but I didn't come up with anything. it was like my brain had stopped working."I'm hungry can't we go eat" George said holding his now rumbling stomach.
"you ate half the breakfast buffet, how can you be hungry already" I said trying to sound annoyed.
"a man needs food"
everyone agreed with George's statement and I gave up trying to think of anything else to do. we took our cars and went to the nearest restaurant. I didn't know how to get away from eating and didn't have long to come up with an excuse.
me, george, mick and danny sat down at a table in the corner and a waitress quickly came over and took our orders.
"I'm not hungry but I'd like a coke"
The waitress left after our orders and George leaned towards me as Danny and Mick talked about god knows what.
"you haven't got your problems back huh"
"I don't know what you're talking about"
"you know what I'm talking about. is it now that you've got it back I want you to tell me. you know I want to help you in any way I can. at the stage you were in school I never want see you again"
when I didn't answer George sat back comfortably in his chair and I knew he knew my problems had returned. He checked on me several times to make sure I was okay but I didn't dare meet his gaze. The food arrived and the smell of their dishes made me hungry but then it quickly turned into a feeling of disgust.
sometimes i wish my brain wasn't so messed up.