lisa's pov
I've hurt Jennie a lot of times before.
From the very start of our relationship, I was lacking in a lot of things but Jennie filled that hole for the both of us.
She was always patiently waiting for me and my time, always so forgiving for my every flaw, and never demanded anything more than what's supposed to be a bare minimum.
And even with that, I failed her. I failed to show just how much she meant the world to me, and if I'm being honest, I think it was a little too late when I tried showing her that. It was triggered by my fear of losing her, which eventually happened... because I was stupid and I took her for granted.
Back then, it was really just her for me. Rosé was just a colleague who turned into a friend... but she liked me and I was scared of how Jennie might perceive it. It was hard to be far away from her when I'm practically being shoved to another girl... which isn't my girlfriend.
It was probably fun for other people, teasing me and Rosé around.. but in reality, I was already losing my girlfriend.
And it was my fault, lying just to keep her and making her feel as if she wasn't supposed to feel hurt because of it... until she got tired and fed up, she broke up with me.
Jennie broke up with me and it was my fault. I begged her to stay, told her how in love with her I was... but it was too late. I had lots of chances to show her that, but it was too late for me to act on my love for her that I didn't even get to hear if she ever loved me the way I did.
Even when her actions, her affection, and her pain were very telling... I don't want to assume that she loved me. But I'm willing to work on it, to earn her trust back and make her fall for me, deeper than she ever had for me... and anyone else that came after me.
There's still a sting in my chest whenever I am reminded of her being in love with someone else.
"Too bad I heard it first from other people, huh? Poor you," Jennie sarcastically rolled her eyes at Andrew, that guy from her work that I used to be jealous with.
I didn't mean to overhear their fight but I was worried because Jennie seemed upset hearing from Rosé that Andrew will be gone for months for a tour. That's fucked up. Andrew should've told her first so she wouldn't have to know from someone else, and Rosé, of all people...
I know that's rich coming from me. And it's stupid to be this worried...
It's my first time seeing her again after almost 2 years, but the pain seemed to be as if it was only yesterday. It's insane because she's changed a lot, but I feel as if my feelings for her never changed, not even one bit.
"I'm sorry," he slowly lets go of her wrists to wrap his arms around her waist, "So sorry. Please forgive me. I was just scared because I don't want to be away from you either."
Jennie's anger seemed to dissolve. My jealousy shot up to the roof... I wish we had more moments like those, fighting and making up. I wish I'm still the one holding her.
I quickly turned around. I shouldn't have followed her.
"I love you," I hear him say. I squeezed my eyes shut briefly, my eyes moist.
"Wait..." Jennie pauses, "I'm still angry but I love you too."
I clenched my fists at my sides, angry at myself for following her... angry at myself for hurting her before... angry at myself for being the reason why she's in love with someone else now.
But all I could really do was walk away and hope that she's at least happy.
Because the moment he hurts her, I wouldn't think twice on punching him on the face.
How could I ever punch him when he's on tour and miles away from Jennie? He's hurting her from miles away!
It became too complicated with him and Rosé, again, of all people, pretending to be in a relationship. It was fucking stupid. I was too worried of Jennie.
It must've been too damn complicated... but surely she must've loved him too damn much too to fight for him, even when she wanted it simple.
She wanted a simple relationship where she gets to simply be loved and be in love.
But with us, we were too complicated. She kept saying before that we were too different. She said it with insecurity which angers me because I should've done more to make her feel as if our differences were nothing. I should've done more to prove that I would never hurt her like her father did.
It was pathetic, not wanting to move on after all those years we were apart and her being in a serious relationship. I didn't want to ruin that just to be selfish. I just wasn't ready to forget her.
How could I ever forget someone as great as her?
It's lame, still being too damn worried of her and offering her friendship. I understood when she turned it down though. She must still hate me... besides, it was a really pathetic move of mine.
I told her that I respect her decision, and carefully distanced myself from her after that encounter in the club. It wasn't really a lot of work as our company building was huge enough to avoid being seem by her. I managed to avoid her at least thrice.
Those three times, I was left breathless everytime I see her. I wonder if I'll ever forget her... and the sting in my chest never left me whenever I see or even much as just think of her.
I don't know how I'd go forward because I felt so hopeless, being still so damn in love that even after learning about her break-up, all I could wish for was for her to get through it well and be with someone who deserves her.
My hands grew cold and they were trembling, but I quickly answered the phone call when I saw who it was.
"You piece of shit! You hurt Jennie first so I cursed you first! When I'm done with your loser ass I'll curse him next! He's a fucking piece of trash that good-for-nothing—"
I was so confused that I checked the caller ID again. It's Jennie, but I'm hearing Jisoo's drunk ass.
"What are you doing?" I hear someone say... Jennie. Then I heard some shuffling.
The beating in my chest grew louder, intolerable.
In the background, I still heard Jisoo mumbling curses for me and Andrew. I slowly processed what she just told me...
I held my breath, feeling so little but I fought against it and tried to find courage.
"Jennie?" I called her name.
It took her a while to answer, I almost thought she'd cut the line.
"What?" she asked in a soft whisper. It was tickling my ear. I'm so fucking helpless and in love with her.
And I don't ever want to see her hurt again. She deserved only happiness.
"I know you and Rosé aren't exactly... compatible. But she apologized to me before," I said, slowly, "And I don't think she'll do anything that might ruin another relationship after ours being ruined."
I just had to say that.
She laughed unbelievably. "You're still siding with her, of course. She's your friend. Oops, sorry. It's colleague, your word."
No, hun... you took it the wrong way. Besides, I will stay beside you if only you'll let me.
"I'm not siding with her. I'm confused with that pretend relationship too. But for all it's worth, I don't think he's dumb enough to hurt you intentionally..." I said instead.
"Sure, you know how these things work."
My heart dropped. She really hates me.
Why would Andrew be so fucking stupid to lose and hurt her like I did? He should've learned from my mistakes, and her father's mistakes.
"Does he know why you loathe your father?" I rubbed my hand on my knee.
"You knew and still hurt me. So I figured, why would knowing that change a thing?"
Her answer made me feel worse. I stood up and started pacing. Then, I took a deep breath, "So he doesn't know."
"I'm ending this."
I panicked.
"Jennie...." I was conflicted, unsure if it's right for me to ask, but still did it anyway, "Is there anything I could do to make you feel better?"
It took her another while to answer. But when she did, her voice was stone cold... but also... sad and broken.
"Just... leave me be."
I didn't. Or at least... I tried. I asked Bogum to send Jennie some food with my notes, pretending to be Jisoo...
Jendeuk, eat this happily for me!
See? I took notes of how Jisoo talks to her.
But on the third day of doing so, Bogum relayed to me how Jennie told me to stop. I was easily found out.
I sighed.
I tried to focus on my job and mind my own business. I may just be making it worse for Jennie.
Stupid feelings.
So I tried to distract myself, agreed to join a team dinner that I usually turn down.
Fate must've been playing tricks on me because soon, Jisoo and Jennie entered the restaurant. I avoided looking at her to make it less awkward. I tried to stop myself from peeking as she got to know my employee, Junmyeon. I stopped myself from worrying because she's also been drinking a lot. Jisoo seemed to be the one drunk though...
"Now that Jennie's single again I bet it won't take people long to realize and fall in line for my bestfriend!" Jisoo practically shouts, catching the attention of every person in the restaurant.
Her voice was too loud that some people heard, laughed, and even yelled in support. "Yes girl!" "You're a catch!"
I sipped on my drink to stop my smile. Jennie looked embarrassed, but it's true. I'd cut across the line if she'd let me.
I asked my driver, Taecyeon, to make sure Jennie and Jisoo gets home safely. But after they left the restaurant, I received a message from him that Jennie refused the ride.
Quickly, I got up after wearing my thick coat and went out to find her. I found her nearby after a while...
"Jennie." I couldn't help but be relieved to see her.
But then I also felt embarrassed because here I am again... looking desperate, pining. She looked cold, her face was red either from drunkenness or the cold. Maybe both.
"Taecyeon said you refused," I cleared my throat, "Sorry. I just checked if you're still here."
She looked like she was starting to get annoyed.
"Why are you doing all this?" she asked, and I know with that look, she was talking about all those things I did... my sending her food and now, wanting Taecyeon to drive her home.
"Do you want me to hail you a cab?" I asked instead.
"I thought I asked you to stay away."
I know. I wish I could, really...
"I did," I said seriously, but not looking at her, "So I'm not doing things myself."
I raised a hand to get the cab driver's attention, but it drove past us, probably with passenger already.
"Stop doing anything for me."
I nodded, "I will. Just let me do this last one," I said, trying to get another cab but again, it drove past us.
She held my forearm, making me look at her annoyed face briefly, and brought it down, "Stop playing with me."
I avoided her gaze again.
"I'm not playing with you," I answered quietly, it seems like it annoyed her more. I let out a deep breath, "I just can't help but worry."
"What are you even worried about!" she snapped, "I can fucking go home alone, safely."
I winced, hearing her curse.
"I know."
"Then you just like to play me. Because you don't even have to do this."
Shit, Jen. That's got to be the funniest thing you ever told me in two years. I will never do that to you.
"Jennie..." I looked at her, impulsed to be honest, "It's because I never stopped loving you."
She stiffs.
"There," I whisper, more to myself, my eyes now on the road once more. I was able to hail a cab passing by. Then, I looked at her after opening the door. "Get home safely."
She let out a disbelieving, strained laugh, looking away as her face turned bright red. "You're really unbelievable, you know that? Sending me home right after saying something like that?"
"I shouldn't have said it, I know, but I didn't want you to think I was toying you," I said in worry. Then I sighed, closing the door and signaling for the driver to wait. "I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" her eyes glistened... with tears?
"For burdening you with my feelings right now... For not doing everything to keep you years back. For everything I did that's hurting you until now," I straight up told her, "I'm sorry for making you cry."
I wanted to wipe her tears away.
"It's... It's because of a lot of things going wrong," She wiped her own tears instead, "I'm not crying because of you. I'm just tired of a lot of things, Lisa."
I nodded.
"Okay," I said, "But I'm here if you ever need someone to listen."
"I just... I'll go home," she avoided my gaze.
"Let's get you home," I said instead.
She looked at me with a frown.
I knew I have no right, and I shouldn't really be making it about me or us.
I nodded defeatedly, knowing there goes my limits that I almost overstepped. I just hope I didn't look too damn stupid and sad as I watched her go...
I did everything to avoid thinking about her after that. Same old routine that I've done for years. It's just harder knowing she's close by. We're working in the same building now.
I don't know how long it's been already... or how many months has passed.
But I do know that she's been well. Junmyeon talks about her a lot... to Hyeri and Bogum. I always act disinterested but I do listen when he talks about her being smart and nice and pretty. Apparently, he joins her new little group at lunch sometimes.
It's obvious he's got a crush on her.
It's a relief Hyeri and Bogum didn't bother to bring up she's my ex though. That's... really not important anymore. I wouldn't even be around her because she didn't even want friendship with me.
I was surprised to see her attend his birthday in the club too. I tried to be cool with it, even when she was beside me at first... shit. Then I gave up my seat because Junmyeon wanted to sit beside her.
See, Jen? I could be casual about it. I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me.
I guess it was a step for the better because she talked to me that night, asked me how I was. And I was glad to know she was feeling better too.
She seemed to enjoy Junmyeon's company too... I'm glad.
I should be. Right?
Because he also invited me for a trip with our friends, and with Jennie and her friends. They must've been planning for this trip for a while now.
I should really be happy. I know I was because she also talked to me when we accidentally met in the elevator. I wasn't able to avoid her this time, because it was her that suddenly barged in the elevator I was about to close.
It was her who greeted me first, brought up the invite for that trip and said she wouldn't mind if I join... and that maybe we could finally be friends.
Maybe she's really moved on and forgiven me. I should really be happy... because I'm lucky enough that we could still be friends, right?
I shouldn't be feeling more and more jealous the more I realize how close she is with Junmyeon, even physically that he even kisses her forehead and hugs her once in a while. She doesn't even flinch.
We had a lot of moments, and I felt her slowly be comfortable with me again. I guess it will never be the same as before, but this is still better than her hating me.
I avoided hoping too much, even when she suddenly called me "hun" when she was drunk and almost made me swoon with her words. I tried to not be scared when I heard Junmyeon will be talking about something to her.
But the next morning, I've been thinking a lot....
Some of us went out for a walk. Sejeong has been walking with me side by side, when she told me she was hungry and so I asked her to have breakfast. I didn't bother asking the rest of the group because they were being noisy, and it felt like I would explode with too many things going on in my mind and outside, too.
Maybe I should've come alone though. Because when Sejeong urged me to rent a jetski with her, and we saw Jennie... would it be wrong to admit that I felt hope spark inside me when she looked back and forth between me and Sejeong, looking a bit... jealous? I ignored it before, thinking I was just imagining things whenever Somi and Sejeong are beside me, but at that time? She really looked like she was.
My cheeks heated up when she removed her shirt, and I got to see her wearing only her bikini.
I asked her for a ride, then for a swim, where I wasn't able to stop myself anymore because I knew I had to try asking her again one last time to made sure... and she didn't turn me down.
I can't believe she's letting me love her again.
It all led up to me... watching her like a dumbass with a smile on my face. She was busy chasing after Jisoo who ruined her sand castle earlier... which if I'd admit didn't even look like a cottage, much less a castle.
My smile only faded seeing Junmyeon come up to her, and it seems as if he's asking her to go take a walk. Maybe to talk.
Jisoo dramatically walked off, but excitedly ran to Bogum who was also building an actual sandcastle. Seeing her, Bogum ran to her as well, as if to stop her from her evil plans.
I tried to focus on those two being silly while I'm up here on the higher part of the shore, watching everyone scatter around and do their thing.
I tried not to be worried of losing Jennie again.
I tried not to think about what's gonna happen after they talk.
Of how she might choose him, or how she might not.
Junmyeon is good for her, I can see that. He makes her happy. He's never hurt her like I did.
It was making me anxious, so I decided to go somewhere I couldn't see them. I went back to the villa and got myself beer, then went to the backyard where we had a bonfire last night.
"I hate this..." I crumpled another can I've emptied, throwing it to my side.
It feels like I'm still completely sober when I want nothing but to just be drunk and forget this fear I'm feeling.
"I've been looking for you."
I clenched my jaw, hearing that.
"What for?" I raised my gaze to meet his.
Junmyeon sat down beside me on the log, also getting a can of beer I put on the ground.
"You know why," he says vaguely.
I frowned and glared at him. "I don't know why." I must be drunk somehow because why am I suddenly getting mad and grumpy?
"She told me you two had a past," he sips on his beer.
I can't seem to read him. I can't see if he's relieved or sad. It's like the judgement day for the both of us, and only he knew what the verdict is.
"And?"
He shrugged, "I guess I've also felt it since yesterday, that there was something that's making me wary of you being around Jennie."
"What did you two really talk about?" I asked, getting another can of beer. I was being impatient because it's killing me.
"Jennie likes me."
I felt a hollow feeling in my chest. I couldn't look at him.
It's like I'm a toddler whose candy got snatched. I wouldn't cry, not in front of him.
"... it was a feeling, she didn't say so herself. She didn't promise me anything, didn't say yes," he adds, a hand on my shoulder, "You know what? She even apologized because she felt like it's too early and she hasn't figured things out yet, so she couldn't say anything when I told her I like her."
I looked at him, surprised.
A bitter smile crept on his lips. "Then I asked her if it's because of you. She looked guilty... and she really shouldn't be. That's when she told me about you guys."
He must've sensed it with my gaze when he shook his head then took a swig of the beer before wiping his lips with his forearm, "Don't be sorry. I asked her for the same chance, told her I can do better than you. She eventually said yes when I asked for the same chance she gave you."
I crinkled my brows, not really understanding.
"So what... do you think this is a competition?" I was confused.
He shook his head, then looked at me. He looked determined, his eyes dead serious.
"I simply want her to see that it doesn't have to be complicated, going back to her past. I told her that I really like her, Lis... and that from now on, I won't slow down anymore..."
The corner of my lips lifted up, followed by a long sigh that escaped my mouth as I stared up to the sun that's about to set. Maybe this is better than Jennie choosing him.
At least I still stand a chance... right?
I smiled in disbelief, finding the situation weird, annoying, but at the same time with somewhat of a relief, because...
"Doesn't matter. I won't hold back on loving Jennie, too."